Monday, November 25, 2019

Sup?

a year after my move, it felt na wala pa ring nagbago.

single.  sumasakto ang sahod.  overweight. procrastinator.  and now, depressed.

clinically, nadiagnose ko ang sarili ko.  lagi na lang tulog at lagi nalang pinapagod ang isip ng kung anu anong mga application sa phone.  the weather does not help too.  i feel like i am stuck again.

so what's new?  

Monday, December 17, 2018

Day 1

It has been more than a year since my last post.  Marami na ang nangyari- may masaya at may malungkot.

Pero, may mga bagay na nanatili pa rin.  I am still single and still in pursuit for life.  Still overweight and in debt.  Still yearning to be the best without making much effort.

Nasa London na ako ngayon.  After nearly four years, nilisan ko na ang Cambridge which has been my home.  Mahirap to leave friends and to leave the workplace you have come to know.  However, things have changed.  I hope to tell your more of the reasons why I moved to London.

For now, let me write about starting Day 1 of the rest of my life.  I am hoping to chronicle how my life progresses in this new city.  Kasama na ang career, love life at mga ambisyon.  Kasama na ang mga katangahan, mga pangamba, mga bagong karanasan at mga bagong aral sa buhay.

Day 1 will be all about mindset and the mentality change. Tomorrow will be a change of how I see life and how I will want it to be.  I will affirm myself of what I am and what I can become.  I think I was too defeated mentally in that walang drive and motivation.  In part, masyado ata akong stimulated by social media na wala akong time for mindfulness and dream.

So bukas, I will start by meditating and praying.  I-aafirm ang sarili na greater things are in store for me...  That change is coming.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Hope

 

May 20, 2017 Cambridge
Minsan, kailangan mo'ng ituon ang iyong pansin sa hindi nakikita agad.  Lagpas sa mga harang. Lagpas sa mga bagay na nasa harapan mo.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Babaw

have you ever felt that you have become shallow?

i did.

it happened two weeks ago after i sent a message to one of my friends who was online.  we said hi and hello.  then i started whining about my conquest for that one great love.  of finding a caucasian to fill that need.

it was my turn to ask him how he was doing when he said something about himself.

i felt like i was slapped to wake up from becoming shallow.  here i am complaining about my luck in dating when a friend is facing a real challenge.

how often do we complain about our situation?  do we ever get to pause and think deep to realise that we are still blessed?


Sunday, April 9, 2017

Indiana Jones

inindyan ako,

nagluto ako ng noodles, bumili ng wine at naglinis ng room.  bumili pa ako reed diffuser para mabango ang kuwarto.

as i type this, lagpas alas otso na ng gabi.  nagugutom na at magisa sa bahay.  after exerting effort for this date, nauwi lang pala sa wala,

sa nakalipas na mga buwan na wala ako dito, okupado ng trabaho, online dating and paminsang minsan na pagpunta sa gym.  inuubos ang oras sa trabaho o di kaya sa mga gawaing bahay.

ang buhay nga naman ng isang OFW.

so, kakain ako kasama ang aking housemates.  bubuksan ang bote ng wine at sisikaping huwag ubusin.

paalam muna.  marami ang susunod.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Tamad

for someone who thought has figured out his life, i thought everything was in accordance to my plan.  hindi pala.  things happen.  

you wanted change and it happened.  suddenly, you felt like that change has put you into an unfamiliar territory.  hindi yata ako nakapaghanda sa mga pagbabago.  i think i am depressed clinically.

nawalan ako ng motivation.  sa buhay, sa career, sa fitness at sa buhay pag-ibig.  i could not be bothered to clean my room.  or ayusin man lang ang mga documents.  hindi ko rin maituloy ang pagbabasa ng mga books about nursing.

i stopped my gym membership.  masyadong magastos.  i have not been into a date.  like in ages.  pumapalya pa ang pagyoyoga.  alam kong tapos na ang quarter life crisis ko pero ang aga naman ata ng midlfe crisis.

eto pa, nagbirthday ako two weeks ago.  i was working.  so walang formal celebration.  kumain lang tapos yun na.   what a contrast from a year ago when i had friends coming for my party.  this year wala.

but i am hoping this will all change soon.  so i am making this post dahil masyado nang matagal na wala akong post.

will try to write more...

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Careless

nagmadali akong nagpedal ng bike ko.  umabot naman ako sa train station.  exactly thirty seconds bago umalis ang train, nakasakay na ako.  pawis at pagod, napangiti ako.  i barely made it pero ok lang.

i had a great plan of what i need to do this day.  gumising ng maaga, ayusin ang dadalhin pati na ang pagkain.  may checklist din ako ng documents.

naging maayos naman ang biyahe ko papunta ng london.  i have followed what i researched.  ang mga stops pati na ang oras ng biyahe, natumbok ko lahat.  habang papalapit na ako ng next train station, inalala ko ang mga dinala ko.

bigla aking nanlambot,  nanlumo ako sa aking pag-alala ng mga dinala.  nakalimutan ko ang passport!  sa lahat pa naman ng mga dapat dalhin, iyon pa ang aking nakalimutan.  bumaba ako sa next station at umuwi na ng cambridge.

inisip ko, paano ko nga ba nakalimutan iyon?  

naalala ko, minarkahan ko lang ang checklist without putting my passport.  nakadagdag din ang kanyang balot na pinagawa ko pa sa thailand.  hindi ko talaga siya nalagay sa bag ko.

umiyak ako.  nagmukmok sa katangahan.  

pero sabi nga ni jake, tumayo ka diyan at maglakad.  magliwaliw at alisin ang panlulumo sa isang bagay na hindi mo na maibabalik.

at heto, nasa coffee shop ngayon at nagpapainit sa tulong ng kape.  another day and another lesson learned.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Mixed

june, i have mixed feelings towards you.

you were great for i had a great time back home.  i spent time with my family and friends.  i travelled to new places and experienced new things.  

you were rude to me for you made me realise that in life, nothing is permanent.  as soon as vacation ended, demands from work and from transitioning to an agency nurse to permanent staff kicked in.  moved house and until now, i am still sorting out my things.

but as you made me see it, all these things will come to pass.  this waiting for a change of assignment.  this seemingly-endless completion of requirements.

goodbye june.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

In a Rut

for two weeks now, i have been struggling to practice yoga.  it seems that i can only practice it when i am at the shala.

same with working out at the gym.  it is only when i have a session with sam that i can finish a full work out.

stress?  could be.  from looking for a house to move in before june, to fixing some documents, to packing my things and those that i will bring home.  everything demands of my time and energy.

so i stop.  i get frustrated and spend most of time doing and thinking about nothing.  it is like i am going to a process of slow decay physically and intellectually.

there is no passion.  or excitement that would make me want to start the day right away.

perspective and inner motivation- these are the things that i need at the moment.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Pasyon de Amor

i could say that i have finally found a passion in ashtanga yoga.  its beauty has put me in a state where i have never been...

today, greg nardi came for a mysore session.  the experience was just so lovely that i am still smiling at this moment.  i was also able to talk to my fellow students who have been practising yoga for a very long time.  

i have never been active when i was young.  sports was something my parents thought of as a hindrance to being great at school.  i did not have the means to engage myself into activities that i would love to try.  so this is me being grateful for where i am now and for what i can do.  

Monday, April 25, 2016

Ekam Inhale

in ashtanga yoga, you will have to wait before you can progress to another pose.  my teachers say that your body will tell you when you are ready.  as my practice is changing, so is my body.  there is no need to hurry for your practice is a journey.

it has been three months now since i committed myself to practice ashtanga yoga for at least three times a week. there were days when i was so lazy to wake up before 6:30 am to practice in the shala.  there were days when my body is just so tight and sore from going to the gym.  looking back, my form is getting better and there is more fluidity in how i practice it.  i still get breathless and i still pause from time to time.

last saturday, my teacher told me to just stop to what they taught me and go to the finishing sequence.  in my mind, i wanted to do more.  i wanted to do more poses.  however, it is not yet time.  my body is still not ready.

how many times in the past do we rush ourselves for some things in life?  career choices.  relationship status.  decisions.  we are often desiring to accomplish and achieve more in life at the expense of our health and happiness.

as with ashtanga, we need to breath.  we need to do it in order and in a system.  we need to listen to our bodies.  we need to wait.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

JB



searching for that one person begins with you being happy and in love with your self.  i will not settle for what is available and convenient.

i am in the process of improving myself and loving my wholeness.  

Friday, March 11, 2016

DOMS

currently, my legs are on fire.  thighs are crying and my hamstrings sore.  my upper body is also sore from yesterday's session with sam.  

for three months now, i have been practising ashtanga yoga.  back home, i really wanted to try yoga but it was always expensive.  now that i have the means and the time to practice it, there was no excuse for me not to immerse myself into the wonderful world of ashtanga.

there are days when i just could not complete a pose.  still catching my breath especially with the surya namaskara b.  but i am getting there.  i see some changes.

likewise, it will be a year in a few weeks time since i started going to the gym.  from not being able to lift a 20-kg bar to doing dead lifts, bench press and squats, changes can be seen from my body.

initially, i just wanted to look good.  to attract people.  however, my motivation now is to be healthy, calm and at peace with who i am.

as i have said to a friend, my happiness and worth do not depend on other people.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Hoping

change. big changes.  i need them.

it has been a year now and the disappointment is finally realised.  please let it be tomorrow that i get the news.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Tumaba Ka Pa Sana

yes, i got the job.

pero sa short span ng career ko, kanina lang ako nangamote sa exam.  i think i did well naman sa interview so i think that really helped a lot.  and for you who was so inconsiderate in dumping me before my interview, tumaba ka pa sana! 

thank you po, Jesus.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Still Smiling

easy come, easy go.



you came into my life in a breeze and in the same manner, you left me.  alone and questioning myself what i did wrong.

but yeah, you are right.  you need that head space.  you need to sort out yourself and finish your therapy.

nothing is wrong with me.  i am awesome in my own way.  today, i will nail that interview and show you that i am doing well.  i can cope up with heartbreaks and disappointments because i am f*cking fabulous.  :-)
  

Saturday, January 2, 2016

2016


happy new year!

i am writing this post in my bed after celebrating new year's eve in london last night and watching the new  year's parade in regent street this morning.  tired and exhausted, it was all worth it.  

2015 has gone by so fast and in trying to establish my new life here in cambridge, i only managed to write few blog posts here.  ang daming dapat ilook back at ipagpasalamat sa nakaraang taon.  moved here.  got my license.  met new friends.  been to really beautiful places.  started going to the gym and eating healthy (though i am off from it since last week).  madami pa.  there were a lot of changes and to say i am blessed is an understatement.

this year, madami akong dreams.  maraming goals na gustong ma-achieve.  maraming changes na gustong gawin.  eto sila:

-eat healthy
-continue going to the gym
-practice yoga six days a week
-save money!
-pay debts
-set up emergency fund
-travel more 
-chat/ call more family
-smile a lot
-avoid talking about people
-never demean myself
-avoid whining
-control reactions to situations
-always see the perspective of other people
-clean room as often as i can
-never pile up dirty laundry
-never pile up rubbish
-avoid impulsive buying
-give back to people
-plan and plan and plan
-read thirty books
-write more often


i hope magawa ko sila. welcome 2016! :-)

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Mahal Magmove On

mahal ata ang pagmomove on.

today, i think i spent a lot trying to distract myself from feeling the pain of being heart broken.  bumili ako ng mahusay na unan to make me sleep better at para mawala na ang pagnanasang may makayakap sa pagtulog.  bumili rin ako ng dalawang pantalon dahil hindi na angkop ang sukat ng mga dati kong pantalon.  sa wakas, nagbunga na rin ang aking paggym at hindi consistent na pagkain ng healthy.  haha.

bumili rin ako ng beanie na kahalili ng bigay ni besty Matet.  malapit na ang taglamig.  kailangang warm and comfy.  bumili rin ako ng bagong short na pangwork out at jogging pants na gagamitin ko sa pagpunta sa gym ngayong winter.  bumili rin ako ng sapatos.  sapatos na two-in-one na gusto ko, brogue na high cut perfect for winter!

in all these things, nakalimot ako kahit panandalian.  hindi ko na siya tinext ngayon.  tuwing alas nuwebe ng umaga, bumabati ako sa pamamagitan ng text ng good morning.  may kasama pang smiley.  maghihintay ako pagkatapos.  madalas, pagsapit ng alas diyes y medya ng umaga siya sasagot ng good morning.  mali, morning lang pala ang lagi niyang sagot.

sa mga nakaraang araw, nagiging mapakla ang sagot niya.  disinterest at pagkauyam ang aking nadarama sa pagbasa ng mga text niya.  at finally, ako na laging nagbibigay ng payo sa mga kaibigan tungkol sa pag-ibig ay nangailangan na ng payo.  wag ko daw itext.  hayaang madama niya ang aking pagkawala.  pero, hindi ako nakatiis.  tinext ko pa rin siya kahapon.  at yun na nga, isang sampal ng kawalang gana sa pagsagot ang aking natanggap.

ang sakit.

masakit pala ang hindi pahalagahan ng isang tao na naging mahalaga na sayo.  pero promise, hindi muna ako mamimili sa ngayon.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

This is Happiness

this post was supposed to be written during my birthday.  however, life has been treating me really well so i did not have the time to do it.  i just turned thirty last september 28.  never in my life did i celebrate my birthday in a big way.  i had friends visiting and i had to prepare a big dinner with the help of my housemates/ friends.

at the comfort of my room, i look back to the blessings i have been given up to this point in my life...

1.) reaching the big 30- i just had to celebrate it.  i feel that it is a good age to be at.

2.) got my PIN- i am now a registered nurse here! yay!  i have my own patients now.

3.) new friends- i think i am getting better at this.



4.) lovely workmates!

5.) opportunity to be at a hillsong church!

6.) my travel to different places!


windsor castle


eton


roman baths at bath


brighton


stonehenge

7.) me getting fitter and stronger! been going to the gym for five months now.  i see some progress.  small ones but significant one.

8.) personal life is alright.  me on the process of exploring. ;-)

9.) this: a very good friend.

10.) just the chance to be here.  to be able to work and make progress with living.  i may be far from my family but i know it is only in distance but not in love.

i have a lot to thank for.  a single post is not enough but i will try to fill in more.