Two Is Not Always Too Much

dejected, i let it run its course in my always vulnerable mind and soul. that delay, was in fact the second time. no, two is not always too much.

so here i am thinking again, did i really resent that event? because right now, i am just so delighted that it did happen. crazy right? i know.

but the fact that a volcano in iceland is causing all the trouble in airspace across europe, i now have the reason to be happy.



seriously, no more delays come this time please?

*image from here.

Take Only What You Need From It

The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not.

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it.
-Kids by MGMT

maybe i am intoxicated of MGMT's music but thing is, i felt that this song is trying to examine me like a frisky sophomore high school student in his botany class. cutting me in the middle to see through the depths of my humanity, i am now bare in the hands of nature and of fate.

the moment i was done with them, i was so sure that i will never miss them. now, i just hate it that i am fucking myself by being nostalgic of the things i did in the past. maybe, just maybe, doing nothing keeps you attracted to what was there before.

i need to listen more to the song.

I Feel It All

taunting will not help. neither asking or rationalizing. but the dream you had? it just captured feist's song. cheers charl!

Now for Hypnosis

there are some memories that you wish to never come back. however, the brain was created by God to be that great that memories come and go.

the moment was spurred by being a nurse in the neighborhood. if i could just pick the good ones, i did it long before yesterday. but i just cannot do it so they came.

a lot would think that they happen only in movies or the typical filipino teleserye. but they are real. they happen in real life. the battered housewife and the always drunk husband? the beatings and the running just to escape their death from their abusive husbands? they are real. at least to what my young mind has tried to erase from those memories of childhood.

no, it was not in my family. my dad could not even try hard to dissuade my mom from pursuing something she really wanted. i am talking about former caretakers of our "kubo" back then. they were a couple. rolly was really a hard working person but the things is, alcohol owned him. josie on the other hand was a loving housewife but that love, was the drug that nearly killed her.

they were a perfect couple when it came to the requirements of their work but they were the worst couple together. rolly, when summoned by the spirits of alcohol, knew no one. he always had his bolo which automatically made josie run for her life. and in her escape from death, she went to our home, almost as good as being dead with her bruises and broken upper lip. for a child like me to see this, i could ask myself if this was love.

if he always hurt her, why did she always come back to him? it was not clear to me what love truly is but fear and insecurity made their presence felt. that continued for a little more months until one Christmas morning, josie was knocking at our doors. i did not know back then if those tears of her were of grief or of deliverance but rolly died. he died being attacked by a drunk man carrying a bolo. oh the ironies of life!

in an instant, i was relieved of the fact that rolly died, albeit on a Christmas day. my parents thought it was time to let go of josie hence the coming of the patient yesterday, as the new caretakers back then. i then made myself busy opening Christmas presents and counting aguinaldo. since then, josie and her bruised face was forgotten for good until the other day.

i wish to bury in the depths of the earth some painful memories. i never wanted to surrender to regret and pity but i would also like to remember some great memories.

i think i would like to go into a therapy. perhaps hypnosis will do good.

D.) None of the above

if i am to compare it, nursing would be letter d. none of the above answer in a question.

i had it clear in my mind. i wanted to be dressed in fine clothes and not in a white uniform. i wanted an environment of people living their lives not in a place where people die. i wanted to have a night life and not a life spent on taking care of other people at night. i wanted to pursue a lot of things after work not forsake a lot of things after work. but hey, what do i have now? all the things that i did not dream of having.

call me "maarte" but that is just me and so it was an easy task for me. forget the medical field and take the other. three years later, i am now in the medical field. my point is, i never asked for nursing but somewhere along the way, it was handed to me. it came in a time when i was just wishing to get out of the world that i wanted. i tasted it and i thought, i am not meant for those things. so here i am, dressed in white in the middle of the night planning to sleep the whole day after work. this is me now.

did it ever happen to you that you do not want to decide anymore? you fear that you will make the wrong decision again so you will just let things happen. i came to that point and seriously, it crippled me for some time. until nursing came.

yesterday, i was busy watching the TV when i heard those familiar knocks on our gate. again. it was ate tess with another neighbor of ours. apparently, her mother was hypertensive and needed to have her blood pressure checked asap. since fate had me watch TV so i can heed to their call, i thought i heard God whisper to me that i should come. (talk about being delusional here)

i remember her, after reminding me that they were the previous caretakers of this land where our house now stood. those memories of me being dragged to go into a hot summer day trying to harvest all the calamansi that we can take suddenly came alive. i guess it was the time that i can somehow show our gratitude to them after all those forgotten years.

i went there and monitored her bp until her condition stabilized. good thing, her medicines were available as a son-in-law who is a physician gave instructions over the phone. we talked about a lot of things. of the glorious past and of things i barely can remember. it made me smile and it made me feel good.

as i found my way back home, i had in my mind the "kubo" that once stood in our place. it was very country style yet refreshing at most times. the mini-pool was there where i used to swim but unable to fully stretch my body. then those aggressive chickens who would snatch the bread that i was eating. but i never really enjoyed the times where i would always be bitten by ants or be pricked by the thorns of the mimosa.

i never knew nursing can bring these memories back. because when i was in high school, i would literally wriggle in pure uneasiness when i hear stories of blood and patients being struck in the eyes. or the woman who used a hanger to abort her child.

right now, i am a bit uneasy.

Two Years and Two Days

to find the perfect motivation to write is as frequent as the rain in egypt. probably the philippines don't you think?

since it rained last night, i guess i found one thing to write about.

before i went to egypt, sheng was already processing her papers so she can work in new zealand. nearing two years after, she is still here in the philippines. if there is a person who can teach me the lesson about patience, sheng would be perfect. every now and then, we would catch up with each other and every time we do, she is still waiting.

when you are waiting for that long, it is inevitable that you will be bothered by financial concerns and the feeling of being useless. it was just natural that sheng had to really find a job asap. she had a lot. of applying but not getting called back. of almost having it all but there was always something wrong in the end. she is always hard working and faithful to the fact that someday, she will find that job.

in the course of our conversation, she told me that she can try working in switzerland. she has relatives there and can help her find her place. but she has to learn french. at first, she was really hesitant since a there is that rift between her family and those other relatives residing in geneva to be exact. it is always there. that option of making it in europe but no, she might find her place somewhere else.

until she cannot look no more. thousand attempts, failures, disappointments and praying, she is running out of gas. just in time, i came in to cheer her up and to set her sight fresh with a lot of focus. after all, she was there when i had the roughest times. i said to her that maybe, just maybe, God is telling her to stop looking elsewhere and to just look around her and see that all along, an opportunity is waiting for her.

i just hope that i was helpful to her. i cannot bask in joy while my friends are miserable. so what is 20 to 40 days more of waiting compared to two years?

nothing i guess but really, i am hoping to make the 20 days to two days, please?

Tears

in our misfortunes in life, we wonder what went wrong. we ask ourselves about the mistakes that we did. we ponder of other options you might have taken and the results they might have brought.

i did all of these and i cannot even imagine how many times i fell as a victim to these activities. did it bring clarity? definitely no. did it give you comfort? a commanding nope. did it help you solve the situation? a thundering nada.

painful and somehow useless, it makes us all humans. it made me weak and it made me strong after. it made me regret and it made me celebrate after. it made me cry and it me laugh after. it made me hate Him and it made me love Him all the more after.

the strong disgust over how i am reacting to all these things makes me want to slap my face so hard until no one can comfort me. clearly, i was not thinking. i have let myself be overcome with strong emotions and my usual thinking self vanished into thin air.

i guess a learning block has yet to be broken with the hard teachings of living in the real world. to cry was what i wanted to do the most when all doubts and fears surrounded me. however, no drop from the lacrimal glands could satisfy the desire to unload a truckload of emotions. it is a shame that i am de-humanized after all as i could not make myself cry.

the tears would have to come later, i pray. in that most perfect time, i can cry because i am happy and that at last, i know how to be human capable of not experiencing only troubles but tears of joy.

Un Nuevo Día de Esperanzas y Promesas

much as i would like to, i opted to take the celebration in my heart. the message, wrapped in personalized package has to be perceived as something not bound by dictates of tradition or of rules made by men.

coming home, i never really longed doing our traditions since they are always mixed with the mother's crazy and irritating antics. case in point, she, taking so much time dressing up while all of us are waiting in the car. the following day, she, honking the horn since i and the twins are not yet done dressing up. what a crazy world this is.

so this year, i am not joining them in the easter service at clarkfield, pampanga. stone me for not sacrificing the comforts of a long sleep but it made sense to me that waking up that early to listen to a message would not benefit me. i had to be really in the zone of accepting the lowly me and Him offering a new life would have to come automatically with the coming easter sunday. i guess some time alone in my room would do the trick as i try with all sincerity to reflect and pick up the pieces.

hopefully. i will succeed. tomorrow is a new day beaming with hopes and promises.

La Maldición Continúa

again, i felt the jinx happen. rafa losing again after being so close to winning the title. i guess i have to rest my hopes for now. what is important is for him to be healthy and to be confident that he can do it again. anything is possible rafa and i wish you luck.

buena suerte rafa!

Not Mine But His

it was strange. finding the peace that the season should emanate, it was never easy. the family of course plus the lures of internet could not give me the much needed reflection. after all, so much has happened that they all need to be given careful thought of what to make about them.

the papers are still not here and by some magical forces, they were not sent last sunday and that, paved the way for them catching the lenten season. ems was to be the service, a much-feared one after the first falling out back there in egypt. i thought ron made sense of that.

painful. i never thought of seeing others in a place you are supposed to be there as well could elicit such sensation. it is real and not looking at it is just as painful as not taking decongestants with a heavy sinusitis. piercing the very core of your head. charlton, oh charlton, just take it in and know that someday, you will be there.

all are seem to be awaiting my arrival but alas, i still have to make sure i am coming. the good Lord sure knows what excitement is.

so there, while busy taking shit, i played the part of a good samaritan by updating a resume of a cousin, taking blood pressures and bugging my brothers to prepare for their internships. finished watching skins seasons one and two while trying to decide if i was more tony or sid. i did cooking as well and had to be off the radar for the acerbic being of my tongue.

i guess it was just timely for the message delivered this afternoon. light, simple and entertaining, i got it clearly. what i cannot remove in my mind is that there is one thing that i had to take in my heart: not my will but His.

taking it all for us, many underestimate the awesomeness of this event. what could be so amazing than this? Him, dying for me is just plain love. and i guess i have to love myself more by yielding to His directions.

again, i say not my will but His.