no. it is not that i have not moved on with the demise of my u.k. dreams. i am fine and i am okay with it. it is just that nothing seems to be going my way and it hurts so bad.
whatever happened to the saying that when a door closes, another window opens? oh shit! it must be the rain!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Karma
i am beginning to question my goodness as a person.
wikipedia says that in theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. in Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.
it is amazing to note that i have come to a point where in i have conquered anger. i read somewhere that if you are angry, it conquers you. so i am beginning to think that i have conquered it instead of me being conquered by anger. and it has caused me a lot of hurts and bad decisions. sure i have done an awful lot of bad things in the past but i am changing. repented? yes. made amends? little by little. prayed? everyday.
i am just wondering if karma can be ended. or how do you change it. i thought of doing good deeds but i guess, i do not measure up to the standards of heaven.
every noon, i stand in the doorpost looking for something beneath the houses that reach my eyes. i am always thinking that someday, i am gonna be away from this home where in i can do more. deep in my heart, i know something is planned for me and i just do not know when is that time. i have prayed always but until now, no answers or even clear guidance to what i shall do now.
i am waiting as i have always been but in the process, i begin to put myself under scrutiny. that maybe, i deserve all this. but is forgiveness only an idea? that maybe, i am such a horrible person. but is change impossible? that maybe, karma is at play. but have i done only bad things to suffer much?
wikipedia says that in theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. in Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.
it is amazing to note that i have come to a point where in i have conquered anger. i read somewhere that if you are angry, it conquers you. so i am beginning to think that i have conquered it instead of me being conquered by anger. and it has caused me a lot of hurts and bad decisions. sure i have done an awful lot of bad things in the past but i am changing. repented? yes. made amends? little by little. prayed? everyday.
i am just wondering if karma can be ended. or how do you change it. i thought of doing good deeds but i guess, i do not measure up to the standards of heaven.
every noon, i stand in the doorpost looking for something beneath the houses that reach my eyes. i am always thinking that someday, i am gonna be away from this home where in i can do more. deep in my heart, i know something is planned for me and i just do not know when is that time. i have prayed always but until now, no answers or even clear guidance to what i shall do now.
i am waiting as i have always been but in the process, i begin to put myself under scrutiny. that maybe, i deserve all this. but is forgiveness only an idea? that maybe, i am such a horrible person. but is change impossible? that maybe, karma is at play. but have i done only bad things to suffer much?
The Dangers of Rain
i initially called it a day. after all, power interruption had made me lie on my bed listening to the crickets' persuasion to be still and to grab the chance of silence. it was cooler as the typhoon basyang welcomed herself in our midst.
there was no escape. as the last beep of my laptop warned me, it is time to enter the phase in which i dreaded to be in. the battery has died to be in union with the interruption. that silence, when coupled with darkness can only send you images in your mind. i had lots of it.
of course there was this strong wanting of me to be in spain. to live there and be one with that beautiful country. watch games of barca and real madrid and go home in a beautiful mediterranean home. a glass of sangria would be perfect to end a beautiful night. i hope my career can lead me there. but now, i can be content with learning spanish with my virtual teacher.
friends. i realized that in this stage of my life, the process of elimination was close to being over. i have friends who are worth keeping and i am happy with them. though distance creates a certain longing to be with them, i can only be grateful for their presence in my life. but as i have told benj, though i am far from being stupid in keeping friends who are user-friendly and with those whom i deem as stupid, the idea of banished wonderful relationships that could be made still lingers. guess i have not opened up to people that much.
has it been six days? yeah i think so. six days means six hours of running and running as kids in my neighborhood try to jeer me by pretending to jog as well outside our lovely lawn. i am doing this for myself and even if tomorrow will be covered with basyang's eternal run of water power, i will not be deterred by it. listen, i am determine to lose those man-boobs and the belly.
now i am alone. again and again as it has been for most part of my life. i am beginning to think that 2010 will end up as those previous years. nothing significant. nothing new. but i guess it will be too early to tell. this is the shitty me talking.
seriously, i need a job. having these thoughts are dangerous. thankfully, electricity has reached our home!
there was no escape. as the last beep of my laptop warned me, it is time to enter the phase in which i dreaded to be in. the battery has died to be in union with the interruption. that silence, when coupled with darkness can only send you images in your mind. i had lots of it.
of course there was this strong wanting of me to be in spain. to live there and be one with that beautiful country. watch games of barca and real madrid and go home in a beautiful mediterranean home. a glass of sangria would be perfect to end a beautiful night. i hope my career can lead me there. but now, i can be content with learning spanish with my virtual teacher.
friends. i realized that in this stage of my life, the process of elimination was close to being over. i have friends who are worth keeping and i am happy with them. though distance creates a certain longing to be with them, i can only be grateful for their presence in my life. but as i have told benj, though i am far from being stupid in keeping friends who are user-friendly and with those whom i deem as stupid, the idea of banished wonderful relationships that could be made still lingers. guess i have not opened up to people that much.
has it been six days? yeah i think so. six days means six hours of running and running as kids in my neighborhood try to jeer me by pretending to jog as well outside our lovely lawn. i am doing this for myself and even if tomorrow will be covered with basyang's eternal run of water power, i will not be deterred by it. listen, i am determine to lose those man-boobs and the belly.
now i am alone. again and again as it has been for most part of my life. i am beginning to think that 2010 will end up as those previous years. nothing significant. nothing new. but i guess it will be too early to tell. this is the shitty me talking.
seriously, i need a job. having these thoughts are dangerous. thankfully, electricity has reached our home!
Monday, July 12, 2010
My World Cup Dreams
it was nearing six in the morning when i finally hit the bed today. that was my sleep for yesterday but since the world cup finals was due, i had to witness one of the defining moments of my life.
i think it was one of my patients that had my interest stirred. people from my area were always talking about my patient. all they can say back then was that he was popular in egypt. they even told me to take care of him and i replied to them that every patient, i take care of them equally. all with utmost attention and every possible caring from a disciple of nightingale. it was only upon his discharge that i i came to know that he was a football coach. a popular football coach.
well of course he was popular. a big time too since he was able to afford the hospital. then there were these patients of mine who would watch football on their room's television. and as for icebreakers, i would always ask them their bet for the world cup. that time, i never knew the spanish national team but it caught my interest since they were always predicted to win the world cup.
the atmosphere in the unit was also different when a football game is being played. as if critical patients were made to wait for the game to finish, i was horrified how a game can cause such kind of change in the work dynamics.
now having to write something about a sport in which i came to love over the past six months, i wish that i took the chance of learning how to play the game back in egypt where people are crazy in love with the sport. i could have bought a ball back here so now, i will not contemplate on having to face the chances of spending some money over a magic ball.
i could not believe that i cried while watching casillas, villa and the rest of the spanish football team bask in victory. it was a sweet moment. it was a defining moment. for spain and for me. who would have thought that a team plagued with defeat the moment they started their campaign for this prestigious event would win it all? after all the lashing, the criticisms, the injuries and all the fuss about their defeat, here they are now, conquerors of the world cup.
my malleable heart can only cry in sheer joy for once again, hope is near. redemption is achievable and that a victory is not impossible should you taste the bitter offering of defeat.
all these, available if you have a humble heart, a hard working body, a risk-taking mentality and a spirit that never surrenders to the challenges of life.
now back to me dreaming for a cup of patients calling for my care and a boot made for the inner me wanting to be active. Felicitaciones a todos nosotros!
*photo from associated press
i think it was one of my patients that had my interest stirred. people from my area were always talking about my patient. all they can say back then was that he was popular in egypt. they even told me to take care of him and i replied to them that every patient, i take care of them equally. all with utmost attention and every possible caring from a disciple of nightingale. it was only upon his discharge that i i came to know that he was a football coach. a popular football coach.
well of course he was popular. a big time too since he was able to afford the hospital. then there were these patients of mine who would watch football on their room's television. and as for icebreakers, i would always ask them their bet for the world cup. that time, i never knew the spanish national team but it caught my interest since they were always predicted to win the world cup.
the atmosphere in the unit was also different when a football game is being played. as if critical patients were made to wait for the game to finish, i was horrified how a game can cause such kind of change in the work dynamics.
now having to write something about a sport in which i came to love over the past six months, i wish that i took the chance of learning how to play the game back in egypt where people are crazy in love with the sport. i could have bought a ball back here so now, i will not contemplate on having to face the chances of spending some money over a magic ball.
i could not believe that i cried while watching casillas, villa and the rest of the spanish football team bask in victory. it was a sweet moment. it was a defining moment. for spain and for me. who would have thought that a team plagued with defeat the moment they started their campaign for this prestigious event would win it all? after all the lashing, the criticisms, the injuries and all the fuss about their defeat, here they are now, conquerors of the world cup.
my malleable heart can only cry in sheer joy for once again, hope is near. redemption is achievable and that a victory is not impossible should you taste the bitter offering of defeat.
all these, available if you have a humble heart, a hard working body, a risk-taking mentality and a spirit that never surrenders to the challenges of life.
now back to me dreaming for a cup of patients calling for my care and a boot made for the inner me wanting to be active. Felicitaciones a todos nosotros!
*photo from associated press
Friday, July 9, 2010
Just Now, Not Yesterday and Tomorrow
there comes a time when you can't do nothing much about your situation. you complain, nothing happens. you gloat over the future, still nothing happens. as this time of my life would like to teach me, it is the fact that i have to live in the moment. the now phase and not the before or after.
it might be tough not to succumb to many regrets in life but thing is, i tend to look only for the bad things that have happened. i forgot that in those moments of folly, i smiled. i laughed. now the playful mind has the opportunity to be big in that it creates pictures of what could be. i have learned also that expectations are great, only when they are realized. and that wanting things you could have should happen when you are in that very position to dream.
so for now, i am living in the moment of now.
it might be tough not to succumb to many regrets in life but thing is, i tend to look only for the bad things that have happened. i forgot that in those moments of folly, i smiled. i laughed. now the playful mind has the opportunity to be big in that it creates pictures of what could be. i have learned also that expectations are great, only when they are realized. and that wanting things you could have should happen when you are in that very position to dream.
so for now, i am living in the moment of now.
Cleaning the Soot of the Ugly Past
a week passed and i survived the test of an unfamiliar environment. i did enjoy the training as soon as i opened up to people. new faces and new friends. but not for long. so i am moving on.
i decided to act quickly so by tuesday, i was already in the corridors of my prospect. i thought i did fine but not awesome. so i will try to be one when i come back. hopefully. with prayers everyday that i will be called for the next step.
the way i see it, i am recovering from that downfall. but not completely. there is still a lot to be done on my part. don't you just hate it when you thought you are doing okay, some people from the past come up and try to steal that newly-found inner peace? i guess i might take things into my own hands. i have to protect my self now from being corrupted by my own past.
life is so beautiful so to try to pollute it with the soot of the ugly past is not just fair. i will not rush and i will not fret of things i do not have and will not have. i will wait for my time to shine.
i decided to act quickly so by tuesday, i was already in the corridors of my prospect. i thought i did fine but not awesome. so i will try to be one when i come back. hopefully. with prayers everyday that i will be called for the next step.
the way i see it, i am recovering from that downfall. but not completely. there is still a lot to be done on my part. don't you just hate it when you thought you are doing okay, some people from the past come up and try to steal that newly-found inner peace? i guess i might take things into my own hands. i have to protect my self now from being corrupted by my own past.
life is so beautiful so to try to pollute it with the soot of the ugly past is not just fair. i will not rush and i will not fret of things i do not have and will not have. i will wait for my time to shine.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Killing Me Softly
benj will kill me if he reads this. since the chances are slim that he will be able to find his way here, i am writing this post now.
my refresher course for basic life support (bls) started today. it is a course that i have to attend in order for me to jump start my job applications here. last sunday, i prayed to God that if i will be able to find an offering for that course next week, He is saying yes to my job hunt locally. and i did! guess who never learned of his stupidity over signs and epiphany? monday morning, i called the local chapter in our province of red cross and it so happened that they were currently conducting a course this week. bls started today and so here i am, letting myself blurt all the observations, frustrations and what not in the first day of my training.
really people? start the class fifteen minutes late? but i have forgiven you since the first instructor was really good. even his jokes tainted with sexual innuendo i have loved. even before the class started, i have these two irritating seatmates who are a couple. can't the guy study quietly? gosh he speaks the filipino language with his thick kapampangan accent and everything he says was just plain nonsense. with that, i have understood his girl why she acted like that towards him. go girl with flirting with one of the instructors while you are beside your boyfriend! classic.
but don't think that because of that, you are too beautiful to invade my personal space. your ugly purple fan should not touch my notes. who knows where the stains of your fan came from. can you tell your boy also that the black fan that i am using, yes the one in front of me is mine? and that he cannot just get it and touch his face with it. yuck!
you see, i am so quiet and peaceful trying to refresh myself with the whole process of cpr. so guys, if you don't want to listen to the instructor's nonsense explanation, keep it to yourself as i do. hahaha. and guys, hitting on our instructor while the class is ongoing? please do it during break time. you are wasting my time.
good thing, kuya manny (he looks, talks and acts like manny pacquiao), the soldier who is also enrolled for the bls training provided some effortless humor with his demeanor. i think i can look up to the real manny pacquiao now because of kuya.
now i can stop for the heavens might conspire to punish the bitchy me... i will study now with hopes of getting a high marks for both written and practical exams.
benj, forgive me. i really tried to be friendly. and i smiled ha! though not all the time for i will look insane. you know how i value the image i project. i also made an effort to talk to the people around me. catch is, to those people i find sensible. but at least i talked to real people.
my refresher course for basic life support (bls) started today. it is a course that i have to attend in order for me to jump start my job applications here. last sunday, i prayed to God that if i will be able to find an offering for that course next week, He is saying yes to my job hunt locally. and i did! guess who never learned of his stupidity over signs and epiphany? monday morning, i called the local chapter in our province of red cross and it so happened that they were currently conducting a course this week. bls started today and so here i am, letting myself blurt all the observations, frustrations and what not in the first day of my training.
really people? start the class fifteen minutes late? but i have forgiven you since the first instructor was really good. even his jokes tainted with sexual innuendo i have loved. even before the class started, i have these two irritating seatmates who are a couple. can't the guy study quietly? gosh he speaks the filipino language with his thick kapampangan accent and everything he says was just plain nonsense. with that, i have understood his girl why she acted like that towards him. go girl with flirting with one of the instructors while you are beside your boyfriend! classic.
but don't think that because of that, you are too beautiful to invade my personal space. your ugly purple fan should not touch my notes. who knows where the stains of your fan came from. can you tell your boy also that the black fan that i am using, yes the one in front of me is mine? and that he cannot just get it and touch his face with it. yuck!
you see, i am so quiet and peaceful trying to refresh myself with the whole process of cpr. so guys, if you don't want to listen to the instructor's nonsense explanation, keep it to yourself as i do. hahaha. and guys, hitting on our instructor while the class is ongoing? please do it during break time. you are wasting my time.
good thing, kuya manny (he looks, talks and acts like manny pacquiao), the soldier who is also enrolled for the bls training provided some effortless humor with his demeanor. i think i can look up to the real manny pacquiao now because of kuya.
now i can stop for the heavens might conspire to punish the bitchy me... i will study now with hopes of getting a high marks for both written and practical exams.
benj, forgive me. i really tried to be friendly. and i smiled ha! though not all the time for i will look insane. you know how i value the image i project. i also made an effort to talk to the people around me. catch is, to those people i find sensible. but at least i talked to real people.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Bear Grylls Mentality
i checked the calender and just like that, the first half of the year is done. so much time has passed and i thought of looking back. and i thought, a lot of the days was wasted for waiting and doing nothing that can make me better as a person.
bear grylls said while you are not preparing or practicing, somebody is preparing and when you meet in a battle, you will lose. that made me think in fear. let's see. i lacked focus, checked. fear of failure, checked. not meeting the expectations of others, checked. lack of discipline, checked. you see, i have many checks in my life but only on the bad side. not good charlton.
the standards set by people often limit me. i fear and i stop. i worry and i wait. i think too much and let those thoughts run my life. i am getting fed up with all these and i think, sorry again guys for thinking, but me being hopeful for days to come will always be a good thing.
my mind is clearer and my goal attainable. fears are being taken care of with much openness to the fact that i can gain everything if i conquer them. i hope that i can look back next time with so much pride that i had done something new and achieved something in my life.
so good luck to me.
bear grylls said while you are not preparing or practicing, somebody is preparing and when you meet in a battle, you will lose. that made me think in fear. let's see. i lacked focus, checked. fear of failure, checked. not meeting the expectations of others, checked. lack of discipline, checked. you see, i have many checks in my life but only on the bad side. not good charlton.
the standards set by people often limit me. i fear and i stop. i worry and i wait. i think too much and let those thoughts run my life. i am getting fed up with all these and i think, sorry again guys for thinking, but me being hopeful for days to come will always be a good thing.
my mind is clearer and my goal attainable. fears are being taken care of with much openness to the fact that i can gain everything if i conquer them. i hope that i can look back next time with so much pride that i had done something new and achieved something in my life.
so good luck to me.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Prodigal Me
i almost lost it all. my faith, my religion and my only hope. it was difficult but friends did not give up and so here i am, rising from all the rubbish emotions and fatal disbelief.
what i did yesterday was something unconventional of me. not thinking of what i will experience, i did go to a lot of hospitals. simply, i did not think too much and i just went for it. the feeling was nice. i could not recall the times i did something like this. like stepping out of my comfort zone and just doing what i had to do. of course it was not easy and i had to gather strength from Him.
you see, i went inside the chapel to have that courage. that strength to make me want to try again. but when i left the place, i felt so much more than just being courageous. God really knows when to talk to you and yesterday was that day. through the priest, i was told that He answers all our prayers. sometimes yes. sometimes no because He has better answer. sometimes not yet since He is preparing for bigger blessings. i knew that i have heard these things long ago but the timing was just perfect yesterday. it made me cry. and reflect. and repulsive of how i acted the past weeks. but i instantly asked for forgiveness and guidance.
so things are now different for me. i may had to write that dreadful letter to toni, i have hopes of being somewhere else. best and rightly for me.
what i did yesterday was something unconventional of me. not thinking of what i will experience, i did go to a lot of hospitals. simply, i did not think too much and i just went for it. the feeling was nice. i could not recall the times i did something like this. like stepping out of my comfort zone and just doing what i had to do. of course it was not easy and i had to gather strength from Him.
you see, i went inside the chapel to have that courage. that strength to make me want to try again. but when i left the place, i felt so much more than just being courageous. God really knows when to talk to you and yesterday was that day. through the priest, i was told that He answers all our prayers. sometimes yes. sometimes no because He has better answer. sometimes not yet since He is preparing for bigger blessings. i knew that i have heard these things long ago but the timing was just perfect yesterday. it made me cry. and reflect. and repulsive of how i acted the past weeks. but i instantly asked for forgiveness and guidance.
so things are now different for me. i may had to write that dreadful letter to toni, i have hopes of being somewhere else. best and rightly for me.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Baby Steps
okay, i fear for the financial health of the family. i mean, who does not? well, there are those filthy rich people that reside in wack wack. seeing them this afternoon kinda had this blunt trauma effect on my heart. it hurts but it is not that showy. now, officially off the path to u.k. and in an instant, nobody wants to take me as i am nearing the anniversary of me being bum. i just cannot figure out how to be the breadwinner of the family with these circumstances.
my dad just had his 54th birthday yesterday. long before he married my mom, he was already working overseas. at times, he forgets a lot of things. eye glasses, things to do and even answering a call from his phone that was in front of him. from the way i see it, he responds a bit slower when asked. probably his hearing. questions are to be repeated twice before he can give a clear answer. or maybe, his processing time is just taking some time much like how a website loads. i don't know. maybe for fear of knowing the truth.
it dawned to me that in this condition, he cannot work anymore. my time has come and it was long ago after i passed the licensure examination. but alas, things were not working for me and my family. finally getting a break in egypt and somehow ending in a quite sour note, my u.k. dream seemed to be the answer to all of my fears. then those papers had to stop me from riding the eye of london or even to step on the london bridge.
believe me, it was the hardest thing i had yet to face and until now, i have not fully recovered from that maddening depression. me who was always perceived as the most motivated and strong-willed person was surprised to have some suicidal ideations. but wait, they just crossed my mind as my medical background had to turn my stomach upside down.
from that person who always gives those in-your-face and always enlightening advices, i was devouring all words of encouragement from friends that i could get.
baby steps charlton and soon you will be surprised of the progress you are made.
the reality that our finances are shaking us is so tangible that my dad had to undergo what he was doing for the longest time: looking for jobs overseas. to see him spend hours in front of the internet and read classified ads gives me that feeling that i am useless and unworthy to be called as his son. well, not to mention my attitude lately towards him. me, being impatient over the truth that i have to find jobs sooner and give up on the u.k. thing. but i am changing. baby steps again my friends.
who knew things can be this hard when you are a nurse? a lot were looking on a tainted glass before. that in nursing, fortune would come in an instant and in those series of unfortunate events, we were one of those people who had their share of peeking at that glass.
so today, i had to break the momentum of what seemed to be eternal depression, fear of rejection and being unproductive. today, i got to register my name for a qualifying exam, drop my resume in another, credentials to yet another hospital and finally had a glimpse of hope after seeing my chances of getting hired. if and only if i had the complete requirements.
with a lot of prayers, i am waiting for the time that i will be called for exams at these hospitals. it is not much but baby steps again. little by little. step by step. all in the hopes of helping myself and my family. plus being worthy to be called his son...
my dad just had his 54th birthday yesterday. long before he married my mom, he was already working overseas. at times, he forgets a lot of things. eye glasses, things to do and even answering a call from his phone that was in front of him. from the way i see it, he responds a bit slower when asked. probably his hearing. questions are to be repeated twice before he can give a clear answer. or maybe, his processing time is just taking some time much like how a website loads. i don't know. maybe for fear of knowing the truth.
it dawned to me that in this condition, he cannot work anymore. my time has come and it was long ago after i passed the licensure examination. but alas, things were not working for me and my family. finally getting a break in egypt and somehow ending in a quite sour note, my u.k. dream seemed to be the answer to all of my fears. then those papers had to stop me from riding the eye of london or even to step on the london bridge.
believe me, it was the hardest thing i had yet to face and until now, i have not fully recovered from that maddening depression. me who was always perceived as the most motivated and strong-willed person was surprised to have some suicidal ideations. but wait, they just crossed my mind as my medical background had to turn my stomach upside down.
from that person who always gives those in-your-face and always enlightening advices, i was devouring all words of encouragement from friends that i could get.
baby steps charlton and soon you will be surprised of the progress you are made.
the reality that our finances are shaking us is so tangible that my dad had to undergo what he was doing for the longest time: looking for jobs overseas. to see him spend hours in front of the internet and read classified ads gives me that feeling that i am useless and unworthy to be called as his son. well, not to mention my attitude lately towards him. me, being impatient over the truth that i have to find jobs sooner and give up on the u.k. thing. but i am changing. baby steps again my friends.
who knew things can be this hard when you are a nurse? a lot were looking on a tainted glass before. that in nursing, fortune would come in an instant and in those series of unfortunate events, we were one of those people who had their share of peeking at that glass.
so today, i had to break the momentum of what seemed to be eternal depression, fear of rejection and being unproductive. today, i got to register my name for a qualifying exam, drop my resume in another, credentials to yet another hospital and finally had a glimpse of hope after seeing my chances of getting hired. if and only if i had the complete requirements.
with a lot of prayers, i am waiting for the time that i will be called for exams at these hospitals. it is not much but baby steps again. little by little. step by step. all in the hopes of helping myself and my family. plus being worthy to be called his son...
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