Embraced

i have changed.

the blog that is and somehow, some aspects of my life. since i have work now and my life is somewhere in a place unexpected, all are embraced by me with open arms.

cheers to all these blessings!

Bundok

ang
mga bundok
ng mga pagsubok ay
hindi natatapos sa isang
araw. o sa isang natahak na tuktok.
mahaba pa ang araw. madami pang bundok ang
naghihintay sa aking pagdating. aking aakyatin tangan ang isang
hangarin: ang makarating sa rurok at malanghap ang sariwang hangin ng tagumpay.

One Week

one week has passed. another chapter. another season in my life. another chance to reflect and see things in a deeper sense.

restless. the constant thought is not doing me any good. each day, i try to write in my mind what my next step will be. then, my eyes do not stop in searching for opportunities. and honestly, i am getting tired in search for the next big thing for me.

this is my problem. i always plan. i won't stop writing my own life but thing is, my life is not something that comes out as the scripted teleserye in abs cbn. it is something that always changes and that there are always those circumstances i cannot control. maybe, it might be good for me now to just stop and try to feel what is happening around me. then, take it from there. no cues as to what the next scene will be. spontaneous. natural. not asking anything from me. i just have to take it.

distracted. that frequent wandering of my mind has lead me to be distracted. lost focus on what i should be doing. all those things that i have wanted to do are covered in deep dust of distraction as reality sets in. problems arise and i have nowhere to go but travel with my mind.

i know that my mind can be powerful at will. i thought of doing several entries for my blog but yeah, i got distracted again and now i am struggling to finish this one. this is getting worse.

envy. should i? when you get to see the life that you envisioned on a daily basis, don't you feel envious of the fact that your dreams did not come true? or do you look on the other side of the coin and think of what you can do with a different path of that dream that you were wishing to come true?

can we just have an instant re-orientation of how we see things? i think i might benefit from it so just for once, i can have a positive outlook.

Happiness Realized

happiness is in my heart today.

i got to see some old friends and meet new friends. went malling until i was dead tired from window shopping and finally ended the day by hearing a mass from a nearby church.

i may be single but whenever i am with my friends, i feel life is complete with them.

i may be poor but i am healthy. i am able to function properly.

i may be a sinner but i feel His love flowing.

and it all started with me attending a christening of poan's son. and not making expectations that can cloud my curious heart. i talked a lot and i opened to other people.

i never knew this could be so much fun...

thank You Lord! now i am ready to work tomorrow...

Not What You Think

i am just moving on.

that's it. it is not what you think. that i am apathetic or that i am escaping the sad truth.

what has been done has been one. what has been said has been said. no taking back. no looking back. i just have to deal with what is presented to me right now. there is so much shit to be taken care of in my life than add to those people obsessed with news or everything bad that has happened.

oh crap! there are still 30 graphs to be made for my study! got to go now...

Clarity

“To live alone is the fate of all great souls.”

i read it from someone's blog but it was actually from Schopenhauer.

three weeks from now, i will be turning 25. it made me think a lot. as to where i am now and where i will be years from now. and for 24 years, i have been alone. i mean the alone concept of not being in a relationship. i have noticed that this certain concept has become more existent the past few years. maybe since the last two years of my life that had passed.

then that quote from Schopenhauer.

it was more of a question for me. am i great? no. so why then am i fated to live alone? i am not great. i am average in most cases. i do not stand out in the crowd. so does that exempt me from having that same fate of all great souls?

clarity please. i need it.

or maybe somebody who will be with me.

22 days more and a quarter of my life will be written as chapters done in my book of life. i just hope that the next chapters will be shared with somebody because i am not great so please, spare me from that very sad fortune for all great souls.

Perfection Personified

so kailangan talagang may ganun sa bawat kasama sa trabaho?

wala nga talagang perpekto. konsepto lang siya. isang mataas na pamantayan sa buhay ng tao. madalas, nawawala sa isip natin na isa lamang siyang ideya na kailanman ay hindi makakamtam.

gaya na lang sa trabaho ko.

maliit lang ang departamento namin. si boss, dalawang supervisor at apat kaming quality analyst. lahat sila, matagal na ospital puwera kay boss na kareregular lang last month. wala akong problema kay boss. wala rin akong problema sa dalawang supervisor. ang problema ko ay ang isang kasama kong quality analyst.

ginusto kong magtrabaho dahil gusto kong malayo sa bunganga ng aking monster mom. i mean, minsan, gusto kong makaiwas sa kanyang mga rants at mga opinyon sa buhay. opinionated din kasi ako pero hinahayaan ko lang silang manatili sa sulok ng utak ko pwera nalang kung hindi ko mapigilan.

ninais ko din na maappreciate ang mga inputs ko. pinapahalagahan sila at kung hindi naaayon, mapansin ang aking effort.

heto ngayon, kailanman, imposible na magkaron ng isang perpektong working environment. yung lahat, natutuwa ka at bawat umaga, gusto mo silang makita. may harmony. walang negative forces. maayos makiusap. magaling makitungo sa bawat isa.

well, itong kasama ko sa office, ay isang malaking katotohanan nito. siya ang tanging panira sa konsepto ng perpeksyon ng isang harmonious working environment. isa siyang....

halimaw!

dahil gusto niya, siya lagi ang kumain ng atensyon. gusto niyang nakawin ang lahat ng kredito sa buhay. ang kagalingan, sa kanya. ang pinakamahirap, sa kanya pa rin. ang mga karanasan ng iba, sa kanya din plus marami pang mga halong pampadagdag kulay ng kanyang kuwento.

magtatanong pero sasabihan ka ng "hindi kasi ganito yun." mageexplain ka sa inquiry niya pero ipipilit ang kanya. ano ba?

ayaw kong maging snob. ayaw kong maging intimidating. ayaw kong maging sarcastic. ayaw kong maging sarado sa mga tao sa paligid ko. pero, nahihirapan akong magpakatotoo sa sarili ko.

si ate na kasama ko sa trabaho, masyado kasing know-it-all. para sa kanya, alam niya lahat. ang mga experiences namin, naranasan na rin niya. kung mahirap ang trabaho ko, mas mahirap daw ang kanya.

o sige sayo na lahat. ikaw na ang magaling. ikaw na ang pinakamatalino. ikaw na ang pinaka may alam sa lahat. ikaw na ang pinagpala.

basta ako, tatapusin ko ang study ko. goodluck sa monthly, quarterly at yearly reports mo! tsuk!

Open

i'd say i have never been that open to people. much more to my relatives. then that dream of being in a better position was slowly being realized, i thought that my life should not be in a can. closed for my own consumption.

so i did. opened up a bit. talk some more. tolerated things i never would have thought of having their way in my life. i will admit now that it felt good. that now, i am not holding myself so far away from these people i call my family.

then that incident happened. that reason of being happy was taken away. confusion came. after which, anger and depression started to accompany me.

i was closing again.

i blamed God. questioned Him and even fought with Him. but i gave up. it is always impossible to battle your maker. i did not know what to do. then silence. meditation. friend's inspiring words. some more time alone.

then here i am.

i may not have that dream anymore but still, i am alive. provided with another option, i say it has given me a structure that i can pattern my life.

two weeks ago, my aunt who is based in u.k. started to talk to me whenever she is calling our family. back when i was still fixing my documents, she will always talk to me. i just do not know what happened after she was informed about me not being able to continue my journey in europe.

was it disappointment? was it shame?

but those two are still evident in me as i purposely avoided all family gatherings. i just go to church and see my mom's relatives. words are very expensive for me as i always try to stay mum. i do not want them asking me where am i supposed to go now.

well, the parents have taken their part in setting this mentality that i have now. i was pressured. i was forced to become someone i will not be able to become. so i am here now.

open to the very few who really know me.

Of Cocky and Negligent Nurses

bitter.

am i? or am i just being too involved with my new job?

for the whole week, i was doing a study regarding the response time of physicians to the referrals made by nurses. ideally, referrals should be documented but most nurses where i work don't do it. if they do, their documentation most of the time were lacking in information. the objective of the study is actually for the nurses. if seen that doctors do not respond immediately to referrals made, an action will be taken by the hospital.

nurses do not know this. all they see is the "additional" work that is forced to them. i know the nature of work. i know how it feels to have a very busy day. it is just that there are some things in our line of work that should not be forgotten.

i have read and heard reports of incidents involving the failure of nurses to be at their best in their work. deeply, i am hurt. hurt because these people were given the chance that i did not have and here they are, not giving their all. you can call me bitter but i just want these people to know that being too cocky that you are a nurse and working as a nurse do not give you the chance to look down on me and not perform well.

today, i realized that i am given the chance to evaluate my acts, my intentions and my status. being away from patients means i have to be more competent and aware of my actions because soon, i will be with them.

for now, i may have to swallow my bitterness.

Borrowed

i am not handling any patients with my job now.

for one, it will be a relief. no messy work. no medications to give. no abusive doctors. no relatives to accommodate. no risk to infections. no tiring work. no night shifts.

but today, i was perplexed. perplexed if i really prefer to have no patients to take care of but rather work with nurses. little by little, i am realizing the nature of my work. and that it is not easy. oh well, no work is easy. it will always have challenges along the way.

i work with nurses now. i am in the other side of the world. from what i see, nurses here are stubborn and fearless. fearless of their actions. i do not know where they get their confidence but thing is, their confidence is not in the rightful place. i have worked with patients before and i know what busy means. it is hard and complicated that if you are poor in time management skills, you will end up disorganized and lost with all the work that you have to finish.

for three days now, i am becoming disappointed with the way nurses work. i see them as not responsible and mindful of their acts. it maybe a hasty generalization but allow me just for now. i am still shocked. it makes me miss my previous work but just a little. looking back to the past is useless now. i can only bring the lessons that it has taught me.

in my own assessment, i do not see myself doing this work for long. i think it is more stressful than handling patients. at least, your concern ends within 12 hours but with this job? it can go on for weeks!

so where is contentment and positivity? i may have to borrow them from my previous posts.