Spoiled

naalala ko yung sinabi ni benj, "masama naman ang magtanim ng galit. baka mangyari din saken yan." natakot din naman ako. siguro dahil sa mapait na katotohanan na dulot ng karma o kaya dahil din sa sitwasyon na ang isang bagay na nakalipas ay hindi pa rin nababaon sa baul ng panahon.

sariwa pa rin sakin ang bawat eksena sa pangyayaring iyon. linggo at katatapos lang ng misa. naisip ko, napaka-ironic ng pangyayaring ito. sa aming walong magpipinsan, ako lang ang matanda ang nandun. ang iba ay nasa murang edad pa at wala pang maiintidihan sa mga nangyayari. may sigawan. may iyakan din. ang lahat ay nag-ugat sa hindi pagkakaunawaan ng aking mga tiya at tiyo. ang tiyo, na nagpakasal at nakatira sa bahay ni lola. si tiyo, na walang trabaho, hindi tumutulong sa gawaing-bahay at lahat ay umaasa kay lola na kung saan, si lola ay nakadepende naman sa isang tiya na nasa abroad.

simple lang naman ang gusto ng isang tiyahin ko. ang tumulong siya sa mga gastusin at gawaing bahay na walang halong pag-asta bilang senyorito. marami akong narinig noon na sana, ay hindi ko na lamang narinig. na si tito ay tamad habang ang isang tita ay nasa ibang bansa at nagpapaka-alila. si tito na minsan ay nagsusugal pa at hindi kinakitaan ngpagpupursige na maghanap buhay. bilang panganay, ninais ng aking ina na pumagitna at kung maari ay maayos ang lahat. subalit, hindi ganoon ang nangyari.

habang tinitignan ang ibang mga pinsan, patuloy ang pagtangis ng isang tiya at ang mga pigil na sigaw nila. kasama si lola. nagulat nalang ako at ako ay tinatawag ng aking ama upang awatin si lola. awatin at pigilan si lola sa pagnanais na wakasan na ang buhay sa pamamagitan ng paglaslas ng pulso gamit ang kutsilyo. makalipas ang ilang minuto, nanahimik ang lahat sa tulong na rin ng kapatid ni lola ngunit sa akin, hindi na kailanman matatahimik ang aking alaala at kalooban.

sa karamihan sa kanila, mukhan limot na ito. lalu na at tumira na sila sa bukidnon, ang mag-anak ng aking tito. ngunit paminsan-minsan ay bumibisita sila dito. mahirap intindihin para sa akin kung bakit nagagawang gastusan ni mama si tito at ang kanyang pamilya. sobra kung mag-alala. kung anu-anong mga pagkain at damit ang ipinapadala kung nasa bukidnon ang mag-anak. kapag nandito naman sa pampanga, daig pa ang royal family ng inglatera ang pagturing sa kanila. siguro o.a. ako pero ganito talaga ang tingin ko. hindi naman sa nagdadamot ako pero hindi ba at may sinabi din siyang masasakit na salita kay mama? inis ako. inis ako dahil para sa akin, kinukinsinti rin niya ang pagiging tamad ng tito ko. inis ako dahil hindi nila alam ang aking nararamdaman. inis ako kung bakit "spoiled" ang isang may-edad ng tao.

noong mga nakaraang buwan, umuwi ang aking tito dito sa pampanga para tumulong sa pagpapagawa ng bahay nina lola at nasabi noon na pagsapit ng abril, susunod ang kanyang mag-anak. ikaw, kung responsable ka, maghahanap ka ng matutuluyan ng iyong mag-anak bago sila dumating. ito ngayon ang aking ikinabuburyong. dumating sila ngayon na ang lahat ay walang naihanda. bukod dito, parang ang aking magulang lang ang nag-abala sa kanilang pagdating. ang akala kong pagtuloy nila sa isang kuwarto ng kapatid ni lola ay nauwi sa pagtuloy sa kuwarto ni ate. ngayon, ayaw ko ng magulo at maingay pero hindi specific na ayaw ko rin sa bata. subalit, labis lang na makukulit at malilikot ang aking mga pinsan. sabihin mo na parang hindi ako naging bata pero sa aking alaala, puro pagpigil at pagsaway ni mama ang aking natatandaan.

gusto ko rin naman ang magkaanak pero sa tingin ko hindi pa ako handa. sa trabaho naman, ayaw ko ding magkaroon ng batang pasyente. bukod sa hindi sila mapakiusapan, ayaw ko ng nanghuhula sa kung ano ang gusto nila. alam kong pangit tignan at tawagin mo na akong masungit. pero hindi talaga ako lumabas ng aking kuwarto para sila ay kamustahin sa kanilang biyahe. ilang beses ko ng ninais na huwag maging ganito sa kanila pero nahihirapan pa rin ako. tingin ko kasi, parang pinagtataksilan ko ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pakikipagplastikan sa kanila. partikular na sa aking tiyahin at mga pinsan.

si mama kapag nagpadala sa kanila, mariringgan mo siya ng, "naku tignan mo itong tito niyo, kung hindi mo pa tatanungin kung natanggap na ang padala hindi pa magsasabi. ni hindi man marunong magpasalamat." exactly my point mother! bakit ba parang nagiging bulag kayo? bakit ba tinotolerate niyo ang ganitong ugali? ni ang mga utang niya hindi mo magawang singilin pero pag kami, partikular na si ate, kung makasingil ka, daig mo pa ang nagkautang sayo ng milyon. kung sa tutuusin, tungkulin niyo iyon bilang magulang na protektahan ang kalusugan ni ate sa pamamagitan ng pagbili ng bakuna laban sa cervical cancer.

kainis! inakala ko kasi na makakaalis na ako bago sila dumating dito pero sa tingin ko, may dahilan ang lahat. sa ngayon, ayaw ko munang alamin ang dahilan na ito. sa makahulugang tingin ng aking "mahal" na ina, alam ko na ang gusto niyang sabihin. buti na lang at dinirecho ko ang aking kapatid kung may sinabi nga siya. true enough, sinabihan niya ako na kahit nagmano man lang daw ako. bakit nga ba hindi ako lumabas sa aking kuwarto?

ewan. naiinis na rin kasi ako. sa totoo lang, mahirap magpakaplastic na wala akong resentment sa aking mga magulang. na wala akong tampo. na wala akong mga hinaing sa kanilang ginawang desison sa buhay nila at buhay namin. siguro kung sa pangkalahatan, masasabi mong maayos dahil may magandang tirahan kami, magandang edukasyon at pagkain. pero, may mga bagay lang na sadyang hindi kumpleto sa isang tao.

kung bakit hindi naisipan ni dad na magmigrate agad noon pa, kung bakit ang daming restrictions sa aking paglaki na gawa lahat ng mom ko. madami. isa na rin ang pang-iispoil sa mga kambal. napansin ko, uso pala talaga ito. mula sa tito ko hanggang sa kambal.

pigilan ko mang lumabas ang mga ito, mukhang paplastikin ko lang ang sarili ko. sa ngayon, iisipin ko muna ang mga sasabihin ko bukas ng umaga kapag lumabas na ako ng aking kuwarto.

Blessing in Disguise

so i guess i should say thank you to that volcano in iceland.

probably not as it would have to be at the expense of other colleagues. i am talking about their delay here because as it turns out, the batch did not leave today. cassie even supported it by saying that all flights of nurses will be on may due to the hassles brought about by mother nature.

was it hassle then? yeah, probably for most people and for me, i could say it is a bit of advantage hoping that the result will come out any time soon.

again, i say patience.

Rain on Me

Oh life can be strange
Good and bad in so many ways
And in time you will find
That things are not always what they seem

-If The Rain Must Fall, James Morrison



for the longest time, last night was one of the best. sleeping was not difficult and tiresome.

and finally, it rained! could it be the start of something good in my life as well?

*image taken from here.

I Will Take My Bite Soon

until when can i hold on to my conviction to stay patient and hopeful of a brighter tomorrow? nobody knows but one thing is for sure, all will come to pass. yes, even this seemingly eternal waiting and waiting.

for that, i shall hope that it will be sooner. i might run out of gas to fuel my race to winning this waiting game and God forbid that i backslide and be angry again for being too ignorant of the plans laid out for me.


image from here.

even nadal had to wait for that moment when his knees are well enough to run like a rabbit as marat safin described him before. it took several months to finally get his groove back and win his title in the last eleven months. he had to lose his number one world ranking and be ridiculed by a lot of people for playing like that. i mean, can you blame a person for giving always his best in every fight that he chooses to battle? how can people be cruel for criticizing him and mocking him with his injuries since he deserved it?

deep in my brain, i have people whispering with questions of why am i still in the house. there are also imaginary colleagues from egypt taunting my decision to leave early and be brave enough to face the other side of the world. criticizing me also for having to take this road towards realizing my dreams. it has been seven months now since i came home and until now, the realm of nursing seems to be far away. my friends, who are real by the way, always remind me to stop rushing and enjoy the moment. i hate to hassle you over and over again with the dilemma of having to be at the moment but i suck at this.

foolish it may be for packing my things but i have always hated having no time to prepare or being caught without plans. my life revolves around order, system and plans. so forgive me. but hey, nadal did not just stay home to get well. he had some work to do by remaining fit and relevant with tennis. he listened to his body. he had to consider the things that are really the most important. to his detractors he did not give a damn. so now, i am considering the things that are really the most important and i will not give a shit for people who are more impatient of my departure than my parents.

day by day, i struggle to listen to what is important for me and it turns out, it is i whom i have to battle out in my fight for being strong to hold on. in the same way, it was the knees of nadal whom he had to battle for his fight for fitness and consequently, for tennis supremacy. with those knees, now he is able to fight back and enter the third round of the rome masters by beating kohlschreiber. with the perception that i am also responsible for hanging on and being relevant with regards to my career, i know i can do what nadal is doing now: winning and biting trophies.

soon charl, you can bite your own trophy.

Twenty-Nine

i think i am coping well.

this week has the 29th of the month. it would seem normal for everyone else but not for me. it should be the date i am supposed to leave the country and set my foot to a place where the coolness of the wind can kiss my face. a place where i will not need to put so much powder on my body to be fresh always or worry about sweating too much.

actually, i am not sure if the group will do leave on the 29th as i have yet to ask from another colleague. but then, i chose to be a little bit sad just so i can motivate myself to focus on other things.

well, the thought has been frequenting less my always idle mind and looking now, it can only get better. armed with activities that are far from just time-wasters, a delay will not do much to me. finding a website with free ebooks, i could only read much. i just finished the way of the bow by paulo coelho and still to be read are wuthering heights (emily bronte), across unknown south america (a. henry savage-landor), the brothers karamazov (fyodor mikhailovich dostoevsky), great expectations (charles dickens) and beyond good and evil by nietzche. broke ever since, now i can splurge on books.

not to be left behind are my books on nursing. i hope i can finish a great handbook for critical nursing i bought last week and start answering 10 nclex questions per day. it is just plain sad that i have not yet found my rhythm towards continuing my spanish lessons. maybe another title for rafa at the rome masters? well, just a thought but i hope to get my groove back on track soon.

with a lot of torrents, i am starting to accumulate a lot of mp3s since my laptop had to be reformatted two weeks ago. the beatles, bob marley, lauryn hill, james morrison, john mayer, u2, red hot chilli peppers and the glee cast are all my friends now. they keep me company while i try to think of other worthy things.

my mind has wandered to a lot of places of which, i wished it never did. i always come home to myself desolate and longing for that another chance to work. yet, friends have always reminded me to let nature run its course and savor each moment. bombarded with such issues that has prevented me from trying to be at least happy in these moments that i will soon miss, it is always a challenge to accomplish it.

i do not want to regret later in my life of the things that i have failed to enjoy or of the things that i have taken for granted. life is a bitch and that you will get slapped by the very mundane as you perceived them realizing later that you stood up on what seemed to be worthy of the moment but was not.

The Praying Hypocrite

my sunday church service was nothing but weird.

mom decided not to go to the church where we usually go since it was difficult for her to face relatives who are just fucking annoying. finally!

i was always not in good terms with hypocrites. and yes, people from the church included. in fact, the church i believe houses the most number of hypocrites since the time of Jesus. for that, attending another church was just a good idea.

in my mom's side, there are two pastors. the compound where my lola and her siblings live is just a fence away from the church so there is no escape for you to attend. the brother of my lola is newly-ordained pastor and so we decided to go to his church where he ministers.

his was different. from the size, the structure and the socio-demographic of the people who goes to the church, nothing was similar to the one that i am used to. there were like 20 people excluding us. mostly, they were children who were very noisy.

i sensed his frustration over members of his congregation. worshiping and serving God in words and in deeds cannot be seen with those who goes to beach resorts on a sunday. definitely, i could not stand that. dealing with difficult people and much more, inspire change in their lives through God.

but i liked it anyway. more sincere and ended quickly.

my career is also a calling. but my lolo's? i don't know; maybe it is a crazy calling.

*photo from here.

The Search for Connection

it seems to me that in the past few months, i have been extending help for other people. of course, my nursing duties are there but to become like a mini-factory of resumes is another.

in the past, i have helped benj with his resume. the resume that he used for ayala land was the one that i made. after one week, he was signing the contract. i have a cousin who recently went through a very nasty break-up and wanted change. included is the change of workplace and there i was, working on her resume. the thing is, having kids makes her a little bit cautious of going abroad and to this, she is still deciding whether to continue or not.

sister has been yearning for change as well. after breaking up with her long-time boyfriend and finally having the courage to leave home to work somewhere else, she had to start anew. and among these changes to be done is her resume. thus, me and her newly-improved resume. after clicking and clicking of job application buttons, she will leave tomorrow and start her training by tuesday.

i guess the resumes i created are effective don't you think? i hope so. being an agent of change is rewarding. i would love to become a part of something new and something wonderful. in this light, i was looking again for connections and interconnections. i thought it was human nature to always search for meaning and for that, me being delayed in my flight meant helping other people.

it would be better then if i stop whining about being left behind and being delayed right? cause you see, i am able to help other people. in reality my friends, it is not an easy feat to accept this truth but in the very least, i should be happy.

Excited Much

all my bags are packed and im ready to go...

but problem is, i don't know when im going because until now, the waiting is not yet over. i still have to wait for that decision so you might ask me, why?

the next batch is set to leave on the 29th and that is exactly five days from now. will i be included with that batch? maybe yes and maybe not.

i wish i will be; so here i am, preparing should the heavens be merciful on my desperate plea to leave this hot place. there will be few things left for me to take care of when the date is finally confirmed. if given the chance, id like to have the pdos on monday but hey, my agency will still have to give me the go signal.

as i have started to believe in the power of attraction, i set my efforts towards that one goal so do not blame me for being excited.

Stye and Jason Mraz

i have stye and i hate it. it hurts a bit and i feel the heaviness that comes with it. forget about the beliefs of people cause i am not. not being defensive, i just want you to know that is caused by an infection and stress may put people susceptible to it.

so there, i am stressed about anything and everything that goes around in my life. that job, my mom's mouth, sister's search for a new job that made me accompany her to the companies she applied for and the ultimate desire to love myself more. all of these are enough to cause a stye.

the heaviness that accompanies it, i close my eyes more. i rest a lot more than the usual. each time that i remember, i apply some warm compress to alleviate the discomfort and for that each moment i get to do it, i think a lot.

my siestas have never been good. after i wake up a little sweaty from the heat, i feel that it has been a good sleep. basically, i do nothing but i feel that i have been tired for so long so i am taking a break from being a try-hard as one of my favorite artists coined it. i guess, i need to let things take its own course.

that will include the stye from healing by its own.

Avril Lavigne

when nothing works for you, it cripples you. you are bound to think that it will always be the same...

the thought came flashing through my mind as yet again, my sister had to "share" the things my mom did that can normally upset everybody in the house. after all, she ain't selfish with these stuff. mom in the last minute, decided not to join my lola at the wedding of her cousin. days before, the plan was already set. it was supposed to be a wonderful time since she will be seeing her cousins from the only alive sibling of my lolo.

but, she bailed out. it maybe really hot but that is not new. the thing is, my aunts and lola were just puzzled why she did not go when she can to her friend's parties anytime of the day. so then, my sister had to remind her that and mom told her that painful memories just keep coming back if she goes to the party. of her scrubbing casseroles helping lola in the house of their cousins.

the cousins were really well-to-do and apparently, it did not go well for the family of my lolo. in the course of these events, i am thinking if it will be the same fate for us. this generation of ours needs to get going. time and time, i tell myself that my moment will come but all seem to be in a nagging deadlock.

a pause, a delay and another setback. questions and questions continue to build up as expectations continue to increase steadily. prayers and prayers are always uttered until what? each day is another moment to hope for something better but as the repetition goes on and on, i wonder where i am headed to.

indeed, change is gonna come but the wisdom to know when is not with the palms of my hand. the papers are all in and that one final decision is what i am yearning to have. eight days to go and another batch is set to go. will i be able to join them? i really do not know but there are things that i would like to do as of this time. packing things would be one. saving audio files and videos on my laptop would be another. it is just a plain torture for me to do these things but i have to give it a try to attract positive forces.

so until that day arrives, i guess i have to keep holding on.