Project TRANSFORMATION

This is a project called TRANSFORMATION.

I know it is very cheesy but I tell you, I have been in an indeterminate state for a couple of months now. I don’t know what state is this but it seems that I am not alone is this plight.

A lot of people that I know are also in this state. Well, we are called newly registered nurses. At this time, nothing is much to be done to change our situation of being jobless and being situated in a country where one out of five people is a nurse (not sure with the statistics though). Being Registered Nurse may be only in title but not in reality because nurses are not nurses when they do not show what they can do. I belong to this sad reality…

In this state, you get to think a lot. You get to ponder a lot of ideas and sometimes, you even encounter delusions. But most often than not, you meet depression. I am very much into this encounter almost all of the times. When you have nothing to do, you entertain a lot of thoughts that sometimes are not really helpful. I have succumbed to depression these past few months and it is evident with my weight. Yes my weight!

Apart from entertaining these negative thoughts, I have been surfing the net almost everyday and watching TV. Most of the time, I admit that I really do not get something worthy while doing these things until a certain PBB housemate showed me the way, the way to TRANSFORMATION. His name is Robi. You probably read my previous blog entry. From there, I was stunned by how much waste I have produced in the past. As I always tell to my friends, he made me realized a lot of things. Here they go:

a.) I have not maximized my potentials. I’m not being conceited but God has blessed me a lot and it is such a shame that I have not been using them to fullest or even for His greater glory. What have I been doing in the past? Honestly, I don’t know. I was like drifting away from what I used to do.
b.) I have stopped learning. I stopped reading. I stopped feeding my mind. It may be true that I surf the net always but what do I get? Purely junk in its most enticing form.
c.) I have been preoccupied with myself but I have not cared my whole body and soul. I am always thinking what I shall do next or what is in store for me. Constantly, I keep whining about my present situation. My thoughts are always concerned about me but never really reached my core. I have gained a lot of weight and did not take care of my skin and eyes. I have stopped exercising. I have ballooned to my biggest weight so far…
d.) I have been negative in my thoughts, emotions and actions. I had so much hatred in me. Probably because of the depression that I have been struggling with. I easily lose my temper and I have hurt the people close to me. In the end, I have hurt myself. Lastly;
e.) I have not been praying and communicating with God that much. This by far is the biggest realization that I had. Why did I falter in to being in touch with God? Why? Am I being too complacent with the fact that He will always provide that I had let Him just be there whenever I feel that I need Him? I am deeply embarrassed that I have become like this. For the longest time, God is always there for me- loving, caring and protecting me. What have I shown to Him?

It really takes a lot of discipline and commitment to your endeavor to make it realized and fulfilled. I am embarking to a new adventure in life and I hope that I do well in the end.

I love this part when I find the spark to a new me. Sadly, it fades away. I just wish and pray that with this one, it will last for a long time until I am completely TRANSFORMED….

Para Sa Iyo Robi

Matagal ko ng gusting sabihin ‘to- SALAMAT! Salamat Robi dahil ginising mo ‘ko sa pagkatulog ko, sa pagkahinto ng pag-abot ko sa aking mga pangarap.

Nakita kita nung una palang bilang isang mabuting kabataan. Nagustuhan kita bilang housemate kasama si Rona, Pris at Valerie. Sa paglipas ng araw, unti-unti akong bumilib sayo. Mabait ka. Isang magalang, mapagkumbaba, maaalahanin at maka-Diyos na kabataan. Isang mabuting anak at kapatid, masipag na estudyante at tapat na kaibigan. Nakakapagtaka ka dahil sa mura mong edad, nagpakita ka ng pambihirang maturity at sense of responsibility. Maraming nagduda sa iyong sinseridad, kung totoo ba ang lahat ng pinapakita mo. Maski ako ay nagulat sa iyong mga reaksyon sa anumang sitwasyon na kinaharap mo.

Sinampal mo ‘ko, sinampal mo ko sa aking pagkamanhid. Ginising mo ang pagkahimbing ko sa isang sitwasyon ng aking buhay. Pinadama mo sa akin ang mga kamalian ko sa aking buhay. Sagad hanggang kaluluwa ang ginawa mong paggising sa akin. Binago mo ako. Napagtatwa ko ang anumang kamalian sa buhay ko at nagyon ay pinipilit ko itong baguhin.

Hindi ko lubos maisip na isang lingo na pala ang lumipas nang pumila ako para lang makakuha ng ticket sa Big Night niyo gayundin ang araw-araw na pagtetext upang ika’y iboto. Hindi ko lubos na matanggap na ang nagsilbing inspirasyon ko e hindi ko na madalas mapapanood. Nabubuhay na lang ako sa paggunita sa mga ginawa mo sa akin. Nahihirapan ako dahil sa tingin ko, sadyang malakas ang nagging dating mo sa maraming manonood at kabilang ako doon.

Nakakahiya mang sabihin pero mas matanda ako sa ‘yo ngunit, ikaw pa ang nagturo sa akin. Sa TV, nakita ko ang sarili ko sa ‘yo kaya’t naiyak ako nung hindi ikaw ang tinanghal na Big Winner. Naramdaman ko kasi na parang ang mga kagaya natin ay ikinukulong sa mga stereotypes na meron sa ating lipunan. Masakit at unfair kung titignan pero aking napagtanto na hindi matatawaran ang iniwan mo sa amin Robi. Sabihin man na gasgas, ikaw ay tunay na nanalo sa puso ng marami.

Ngayong wala ka na sa bahay, pare-parehong magsisimula ang buhay natin. Masaya ako na sa aking paglalakbay, natagpuan kita at ng iba pang naniniwala sa ‘yo. Salamat at congratulations!