DOMS

currently, my legs are on fire.  thighs are crying and my hamstrings sore.  my upper body is also sore from yesterday's session with sam.  

for three months now, i have been practising ashtanga yoga.  back home, i really wanted to try yoga but it was always expensive.  now that i have the means and the time to practice it, there was no excuse for me not to immerse myself into the wonderful world of ashtanga.

there are days when i just could not complete a pose.  still catching my breath especially with the surya namaskara b.  but i am getting there.  i see some changes.

likewise, it will be a year in a few weeks time since i started going to the gym.  from not being able to lift a 20-kg bar to doing dead lifts, bench press and squats, changes can be seen from my body.

initially, i just wanted to look good.  to attract people.  however, my motivation now is to be healthy, calm and at peace with who i am.

as i have said to a friend, my happiness and worth do not depend on other people.

2016

happy new year!

i am writing this post in my bed after celebrating new year's eve in london last night and watching the new  year's parade in regent street this morning.  tired and exhausted, it was all worth it.  

2015 has gone by so fast and in trying to establish my new life here in cambridge, i only managed to write few blog posts here.  ang daming dapat ilook back at ipagpasalamat sa nakaraang taon.  moved here.  got my license.  met new friends.  been to really beautiful places.  started going to the gym and eating healthy (though i am off from it since last week).  madami pa.  there were a lot of changes and to say i am blessed is an understatement.

this year, madami akong dreams.  maraming goals na gustong ma-achieve.  maraming changes na gustong gawin.  eto sila:

-eat healthy

-continue going to the gym

-practice yoga six days a week

-save money!

-pay debts

-set up emergency fund

-travel more 

-chat/ call more family

-smile a lot

-avoid talking about people

-never demean myself

-avoid whining

-control reactions to situations

-always see the perspective of other people

-clean room as often as i can

-never pile up dirty laundry

-never pile up rubbish

-avoid impulsive buying

-give back to people

-plan and plan and plan

-read thirty books

-write more often

i hope magawa ko sila. welcome 2016! :-)

106 Days

binilang ko ang araw bago sumapit ang araw na pinakahihintay ko.  106 days kung tama ang aking bilang.  mahaba din yun.  maraming pwedeng mangyari sa panahong iyon.

isang buwan nga lang ang lumipas mula nang magresign ako, tinamaan ako ng iba't ibang damdamin.  i was depressed, hopeless, bored, excited, anxious and inspired.  para na akong baliw.  i cannot stop thinking when it will be or if it will ever come.  kung matutuloy nga ba ang mga naset ko nang goals sa buhay through working overseas.

sabi ko nga kay nam lagi na lang may aberya.  pero matalinhaga niyang sinabi sa akin na dadating din iyon pagdating ng panahon ayon sa pantas na si aiza siguerra.  how profound!  pero sige.  aaliwin ko na lang ang sarili ko.  i will try to be at my best bago dumating ang 106th day.  i will try to be more productive and be better at my body.  at oo, susubukan ko ang napagtagumpayan ni nam noon- ang sumulat araw araw.  subalit sa version ko, susubukan kong sumulat araw araw sa loob ng 106 days.

i know it is a kind of defense mechanism.  trying to distract myself from the pressing issue but i want to keep my sanity that is why i am doing this.

106 days starting today.

Adjusting

suddenly missed the people i worked with in egypt- ate emma, shiela and mark. makes me think back of the coping methods i used to be able to adjust in a new environment.

i don't want to question my decision. i just want to make it work.

Moving Up

my current anthem.

after more than a week at the intensive unit, i feel like a lost soul trying to find my way to heaven.  four years is way too long for me to be able to activate that nurse in me who took pleasure in caring for critically ill patients.

but, i am learning. again.

Minatamis na Kamias

there is a disease in me.

a disease which tries to kill friendships and abolish soon-to-be formed friendships. and probably, intimate relationships.

it feels like it transforms into a self-defense trying to protect me from being hurt. or disappointed.

paano nga ba hindi maging maasim sa mga tao? i can't just be too sugar-coated all at once.

Three Things

beginnings, closures and starting over.

these words perfectly describe my year.

i was about to begin a new life in libya when a revolution decided that it was not for me. i had a closure when i withdrew my papers and started again with my life at the office after retracting my resignation.

i was about to begin my nursing career at the bedside with my old company when my attempt was rejected. i searched for other hospitals until san culas came. now, i am starting over at the telemetry unit.

i have already said that i was praying to be back at the bedside by the first quarter of 2012 but even now, God has decided that i have to be at the bedside by December of 2011.

God is so merciful that even if i end up with a failure or a closure, there is always another beginning where i could start over again.

my faith tested and my endurance was showing its prowess. friends, families and enemies as well has given me the force to continue and to carry on with my life.

goodbye 2011. you have changed me forever.

welcome 2012. i welcome you with great hope knowing that with God, you will be a prosperous year for me and my family. and that you will prove to be better than 2011!

Broke But Happy

i spent my night walking in front of our house trying to burn the extra cups of rice i have taken at dinner.

this is good. at least, i was spared from spending at least 300 pesos for food and coffee at our annual high school reunion.

at the last minute, i bailed out. i was a good liar to my friends/ classmates. i thought that i need to save some money as i am not sure if i will have some money to spend in the next three weeks for food.

i am literally broke.

but you know what, i am happy that i am broke for the right reason. my current status professionally has given me the reason to wake up with extra excitement knowing i will wear my white uniform and that later during the day, i will be at the bedside.

in the mean time, i still need to lose 6 more kilos and the holiday season is not helping me at all. good luck!

Just Because

i am at the office right now. from this moment, it shall be exactly three days more before my time is up to what has been my home for more than a year.

then, a new place awaits my arrival.

one of the things that you encounter when leaving a comfort zone is the fact that you do not know anything about the new place beyond your zone. i will tell you at this moment that i am scared.

but, i really want this bad. so i will not stop just because i am frightened or a crazy voice in my mind keeps telling me to be embarrassed for having to start all over again when some of my batch mates are already seniors in the institution.

by this time, i think i am old enough to know what matters most.

happy sunday!

Shut Down

second day of training.
time: 8:20 p.m.
current mood: pissed

few minutes ago, i spent 150 pesos just to reach my workplace on time. but, i did not. then my brother called me. i repeated to him my request of bringing my clothes to the laundry shop but told me he was informed by our youngest sibling to just bring my clothes at home so the housemaid will do it for me.

however, he hesitated and asked me if he is the one to bring back the clothes to manila. come to think of it, who else but him? he knows my schedule. i barely sleep and stay at home. i come late at night and i am the first one to leave the house. how is it possible that it would be me to bring back the clothes?

forgive me but i was really irritated. he could have just said okay with the laundry and just left the part of bringing the clothes in pampanga to the rooms of forgetting. but he did not.

i mean, all i need is understanding but then, even the directions i told him for the type of laundry was missed out by him. so i had to speak to him in a raised tone as i am forcing my way to the very congested roads of e. rodriguez avenue. i told him, just do nothing. leave. i will just do it by myself.

i am tired. literally and figuratively. but to get from my mom this response, " Ewan ko ba sa inyo at hindi kayo nagbibigayan. Alam mo namang tamad yan." that's it? no reprimanding or no words to correct the act of my brother? can somebody tell me which part na hindi ako nagbigay for my brother?

with the bombarded brain which i think has decreased its capacity in holding information, i just want to shut down. but as all of you know, i can't. i still have to work tomorrow.

God help me.

Becoming Panda

hi!

it is 10:25 pm on my watch and i am at work. this is part of my deal with the gods of the office. starting today, 8-5 pm will be spent on training at san culas while from 7-11 pm, i will be working for fundamental tossan.

i don't know if i will last until november 30. but it is needed since they have accepted my farewell speech.

in few days, i will become a panda.

AWOL

where do i start?

ahh, two weeks ago. that was the time i had the initial interview. one day later, i was absent again for work since i had to attend my skills exam.

imagine this: i received the text at 8:00 pm. my nursing uniforms were all in pampanga so i had to travel there to get them. woke up at 3 am so i could get at the office at 8am just in time for my presentation.

our meeting where i had the presentation ended at 11:30 am. my skills exam was at 1:00 pm. little boss had asked me to check one memo which took me until 12:30 pm to finish. at 12:45 pm, i was still at greenhills.

walking the streets, it began to rain. tears welled up as i realized how hard my situation was. i uttered a prayer for strength.

exactly at 1:00 pm, i was at san culas. manong taxi was sent by God. the skills exam started at 2:00 pm. i was called for my turn at 4:00 pm and got the results at 5:00 pm.

i passed and i moved on to the final interview.

last tuesday, i had my final interview. i knew i passed the moment i said my goodbye to the panel. actually, i had believed from the start that i can make it this far.

what made me worry was my resignation. it was so immediate that i shocked the two bosses. it was not received positively. in fact, they would not sign it.

the last time i checked, they knew i applied at san culas. so what am i missing here?

in the coming two weeks, they would be tough. in my attempt to leave in a "peaceful" manner, i may have to attend training from 8-5 pm then fly to my current work taking the night shift.

my friends tell me otherwise. and i would like to listen to their advice: AWOL!!!

Here and Now

The idea that "the great opportunities lie just over the horizon, in the next valley, with the next job or the next big thing" is not true. It lies here and now - and you are ready to grab it, regardless of your imperfections. - Paulo Coelho

eto lang naman ang aking status sa fezbuk.

actually, hindi ko alam ang meaning nito. dapat bang magstay ako sa kung ano ang meron? o dapat bang sunggaban kung ano ang offer saken?

dapat bang umasa sa isang bagay na hindi pa dumarating? o dapat humanap ng aking daan para matupad ang mga pangarap?

ang hirap.

*photo taken here.

Toxic Cartwheels

the past few days i think would top the days where i felt the most stress. toxic!!!

the guy from london has moved to the country side and i guess, i am not to be left out with issues of change.

san culas has finally texted me. this week, we only had three working days due to the holidays. and out of that three, i went to work for only two days since i had to attend to my interviews and exams.

i passed the initial interview the other day and yesterday, i had to sell my skills. the review of my performance was unbelievable that i am close to being hired should i pass the final interview and medical exam.

what is making me feel so much stress is that if i am in with san culas, i have to resign within a span of 9 days. no certificate of employment and i have to pay my loan. though the office may have an idea, it is still hard to bring it out in the open.

i really don't want to burn bridges and i want a merry christmas. transferring means no salary for three months. that i will be living from the support of my family (no savings). and that i will be starting from zero in a new place with no assurance that i will be placed in my favorite area.

as one colleague said, it all boils down to my priority and my one big goal. will the next step bring me closer to my goal?

right now, i feel like i am doing a thousand cartwheels towards my goal.



*photos taken here and here.

Three Things

three things: inis, pagod at risk.

inis
as fate would have it, i passed the exam. i have moved on to the interview portion with all hopes of not doing a venus raj moment. after scoffing my stock of nursing knowledge, i was gifted with a mini celebration.

with careful thought of what to reason out for being absent, i made my way to the hospital of San Culas. one hour passed, i got a text from the nursing recruitment that the interviewer is sick so i will have to go back at 1pm.

so off i went to home and at 1130 am, i was again inhaling the toxic air of quezon city while corporately dressed in a very hot lunch time. i think i will be sick again after today. as soon as i got off from the jeepney, i got a text again saying that interview is postponed. instead, i will just have to come tomorrow.

i was really irritated for the unprofessional behavior and lack of respect for my time. i may be the one in need of a job but then again, i am still working for another hospital.

pagod
travelling to and fro to San Culas was not easy. i braved the harsh weather conditions of quezon city. i exceeded my daily dose of carbon monoxide. all in the meaningless waste of time and money.

i am tired. my body has not yet recovered from the flu that has hit me over the last two weeks. my cough is still making papansin and i could see eyes in fear over my continuous cough.

risk
i texted the personnel at San Culas to just reschedule my interview. i have too many absences from my current work and getting approval for my leave of absences may be too challenging.

did i just risk my chances for employment? probably. did i just showed my disinterest from the work? i hope not. but thing is, it was just not right for me to be treated like that.

so be it. if they call me again, then thank You, Lord. but if not, then maybe the work is not for me after all.

**********************
ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ, is this what you meant when you said that "sometimes you have to go to where you think the grass is greener to realize the grass is not greener on the other side?"

Karma

I don’t know if it is just me or what but I never stay in one place. Well, after a year that is. Man as they say never knew the meaning of contentment. So here I am, pondering the things that have happened over the last few weeks which brought me to the worst flu that has hit me in recent years.

Okay. I admit, I have applied for a nursing position at the hospital of San Culas. It started a month ago when a friend told me they were hiring.

I did and not even 24 hours since my application, it has come out in the open here at the office. Talk about being busted. And awkward.

Apparently, someone from San Culas called the chief nurse of our institution asking why me (a lowly analyst) would apply at their institution. This happened few hours after I submitted my papers at their office for consideration.

In shock or bewilderment probably, the chief nurse called our office and asked if I resigned already. And poof, it became Koko Crunch!

Alarmed, big brother and big sister reached out to me if I want to be at the bedside here at fundamental tossan. I said, I will think about it. Spell hesitation. I reasoned out that the reception of the narsisas here might be different. And awkward. Besides, I made a promise that I will not make my current post as a stepping stone to achieving the fame of a narsisa.

So that was me actually refusing their offer for a nursing post. This has left me thinking if I made the right decision. But, how will I know since San Culas has not yet contacted me.

Fast forward to last Wednesday, San Culas texted me for an exam the following day. After concocting a quite believable reason for sick leave and cramming for reading my notes, I went to the battlefield with nothing to lose.

I passed the first exam, an IQ measurement of some sort. It was one of the most difficult exams that I ever took. I prayed that should I move on to the next round (pageant-like?), it is really meant for me. And yes, I did move on to the next two rounds- the psychometric and the clinical exam.

The clinical exam, which will determine if I will move on to the interview portion, was kinda okay for me. I believed that I was able to answer most of the questions which brings me to question my clinical knowledge.

Why in the world, have I not received a text that I shall move on to the next round when it was supposed to be sent since last Friday? Did I fail the exam? Or is it because the department has not yet texted anybody pending the results of other examinees?

One part of me says that I should be happy. My failure (if I did fail the exam), would mean that I would not have to deal with my student loan at fundamental tossan. It would also mean a better record for my resume since it would show that I can stay in a work for more than a year. After some time, I could then request for transfer to the bedside with the area of my choice. That would also mean I have salary for the Christmas season.

But that would necessitate longer time with botcha girl. Plus the inconsistencies of the system of which I belong.

The other part in me wishes that the absence of a text from San Lucas was just a case of unsent messages. If indeed I failed, this is such a wake-up call of my nursing knowledge.

True to the words of the recruitment personnel, answer like your life depends on it for truly, your life will change should I fail or pass the exam. In what manner? I do not know yet.

Is this a classic case of karma? Or a redirection to where I am supposed to be?

The Next Sign

Day off. Gabi, mga mag-aalas otso. Papatapos na ang summer ngunit mainit pa rin. Ang langit, maaliwalas pa rin. Walang ulap. Wala ring bituin. Subalit, ang buwan ay nagmamalaki sa kanyang liwanag. Siya ang bida sa kalangitan doon.

Ilang araw ang nakalipas, nabili ko rin ang bagong digital camera na ninanais ko. Pagkatapos ng mga nakakapagod na pagtatrabaho, may naibunga rin ang lahat. Ready na ako para mag-upload ng mga larawan sa aking blog at facebook.

Wala pa rin internet connection ang aming flat. Tahimik. Kaya’t napagdesisyon kong puntahan ang flat ng mga kasama sa trabaho para makigamit ng internet. Dala ang dalawang cellphone, coin purse na may lamang iilang piastres (perang barya sa Egypt), flash drive at ang aking bagong camera.

Mainit ang hingin. Tahimik kong pinihit ang tarangkahan ng aming pintuan sa flat at naglakad ng walang pangamba sa gabi na pinamumunuan ng mga halakhak ng mga batang Egyptian na nagfu-football sa daan.

Ang buong akala ko, mag-isa akong naglalakad. Walang kasunod o walang ibang tao na patungo sa aking direksyon. Wala naman din akong naramdaman na kakaiba. Kaya’t ganun na lang ang aking pagkagimbal nang biglang sumulpot ang isang mama na may hawak na kutsilyo. Pipindot na lang ako ng doorbell ng aking mga katrabaho ngunit nangyari pa.

Hindi ko siya maintindihan.

Basta ang alam ko, hinihingi niya ang aking mga gamit- cellphone, pera at lahat. Napangiwi ako sa takot at kaba. First time ko.

Sa Pilipinas, maswerte ako na hindi ako nakaranas nito. Pero sa lahat ng lugar, dito pa. inisip ko ang aking magiging itsura. Ipapacremate kaya ako o kaya naman ay ireref at ilalagay sa parang kahon na kahoy pauwi sa pilipinas. Morbid pero dumating ako sa punto na what if mamatay ako.

At that point, I told myself na uuwi na talaga ako. Ito na ang hinihingi kong sign.
*************************************************************************
Two years passed, I am home.

My camera is still here but the batteries are not functioning. Luckily, I came home whole- and alive. I guess I am still blessed after all.

Now, the next sign shall be anticipated.

Of Bitches and Perfect Life

bitches.

they are everywhere. in offices. in schools. in churches. in the buses. in the hospital. in the street.

they are those people who remind you that life is not perfect by making their presence felt. like fulfilling the role that was meant for them.

in these times of big decisions, bitches should be non-factor.

this is my life and i intend to make it close to perfect by banishing the roles of the bitches.

well, by being one.

Small Voice

now i have a reason. i know now what to say if the time comes for me to transfer to the nursing division.

i just can't help myself but to feel for the nurses and doctors against the unjust and premature judgments of people i work with.

as much as i try to explain to them that what you see is just the tip of the iceberg and that patients are unique in their signs and symptoms, their brains are closed to try listening to the small voice that i have in the office.

now i will have to wait for few more months. january to be exact for my attempts to break my separation from nursing. i truly miss nursing.



i just don't want that small voice to die. all i have now is nursing.

*picture taken here.

Aalis Na Si Ateng

sa lunes, ang apat ay magiging tatlo ulit. ang anim ay magiging lima nalang sa napakaraming beses.

aalis na kasi si ate.

gamit ang asul na maleta na dapat gagamitin ko papuntang u.k., excited siyang nag-aayos ng mga gamit kahit may konting bahid ng pangamba sa mga bagong mararanasan. bilang panganay, isang hamon para sa kanya ang pagpapakita ng katatagan sa pagkakawalay sa pamilya.

aaminin ko, mas close ako kay ate kesa sa aking ibang kapatid. o sa aking mga magulang, pinsan o kung sino pa mang kamag-anak. at hanggang ngayon, pinipilit kong isipin na hindi ako gaanong apektado.

sa kung ano ang magiging epekto nito sa akin, hindi ko alam. kaya lubos ang aking pananalangin na sana ay makaalis na din ako sa lalong madaling panahon.

muli na naman akong mag-aayos ng mga papel ko. mag-isa. walang kadamay. pero alam ko na ito ang tamang panahon para siya ay lumipad.

muli na naman akong mag-isang tatanggap ng mga kadramahan at daing ng aking ina. pero alam ko na ito ay pwedeng palabasin sa kabilang tenga at magkibit balikat.

aalis na si ateng at isang tao na naman ang nang-iwan sa akin.