Of Fears and Control

This is me at Mt. Pulag last May. You see, I have this fear of heights.  Aside from my fear of snakes and frogs pati pala large bodies of water.  Yung tipong puro tubig lang makikita mo. But yes, umaakyat ako ng bundok.  Mahilig din akong magpunta ng beach at magbabad sa tubig.  Like this:

Ang labo diba?

Bukas hanggang Martes, I will wait for something that is going to change my life. Nagresign na ako sa work ko to make an upgrade sa career.  Until now, naghihintay pa rin ako for my decision letter na pwede na akong magbridging program sa pupuntahan ko.  If lumabas na yung decision by Tuesday or bukas, makaka-alis na ako sa Sept. 18. If not, malamang sa november na. 

Sa mga ganitong bagay, lagi na lang may aberya.  Lagi na lang akong may ginagawang extra para lang matupad ang mga pangarap ko.  I never had the easy route sa alin mang endeavor ko sa buhay.  Madalas, gusto kong magtanong kung bakit.  Why does it has to be this way? Why does it feels like someone is trying to make me not achieve my dreams?  Bakit kailangang maghirap muna.

Well, hindi ko pa rin alam ang mga sagot but there is only one thing na natutunan ko sa pagpunta sa mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko.  Sa mga bundok na inakyat ko o sa dagat na nilangoy ko, God's creations show beauty and order. They reflect that my Lord has control over all things.  Even ang pagdating ng decision letter ko.

I guess my fears are lesser than my desire to witness His greatness.  

Seeing Beauty

after not blogging for the longest time, i just don't know how to blog. i mean, where and how do i start? it has been weeks since the last time i have posted here but hey, i will just start.

so this is me trying to blog again. after all, i told Ryan that he should be blogging again. it i just proper that i blog again as well.

work

i really wanted to leave my job and be somewhere else. the compensation and the possibilities that i can have in a different work make me salivate in excitement. but the thing is, i can only hope and pray that the process for its realization be completed in an instant. so i will wait. i will focus my efforts on the things that i can improve on myself. especially, knowledge and skills relating to work. i am trying to enjoy whatever i can.

and Ryan, thank you for the call. it was the call that started it.

health

for two weeks now, i have been jogging. in our lawn and in a nearby sports track. i run very slow but i enjoy the process while listening to a podcast. i always feel great and accomplished. i started doing yoga as well. though not perfect, i like the feeling of doing stretches. i still have to check on my diet though. for now, i believe this is one investment that i can and that i should make.  swimming will just resume in a few months.

relationships

no more besties? i do not know. one thing is for sure, i have made the effort to reach out and to be with them but to no avail. distance even just a few floors from where you work plus the crazy work load can kill friendship.

well, i have to consider that their love life is pretty much solid that i must take the back seat now. thanks to my other colleagues from my original unit, i can be with them. we jog and we eat together. what is more amazing is that we all desire to live in a healthy and positive way.

in a somewhat futuristic approach of seeing things, i enjoy going home to our province more than ever before. i believe that i will truly miss this if ever God allows me again to work overseas in the coming months (wishing, praying and hoping). somehow, we have reached a certain level of maturity that everyone is just accepting our differences.

my life may not be perfect but i see the beauty in it.

2-0-1-3

and now, for the highs of this year!

• boracay trip with benj, rina and gen- thanks to the generosity of my friends and aunts, i was able to visit this beautiful island.  

• lateral transfer to the coronary care unit- with five months and running at this special area, i got to learn a lot of things and of life in general.

• got the required band score for IELTS!
• new friends at cvu3- the closure of our original unit led to meeting new friends.
  
  
  
  
• telemetry outing- this was only possible because our unit was closed premanently.  still, good things happen out of sad circumstances.
  
  
  
  
  
• family- we are complete for the holidays! my sister is engaged, paulo is now working and we are just thankful to the Lord.
  
  
  
  

thank you, 2013!

Moving Up

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

― Ellen Goodman

Something Exciting

after working for straight 16 hours then another 8 hours for a night shift, i am finally on a rest day. actually, two rest days! technically, the first day was spent on sleeping and deciding whether to go home in the province or to wait for the unit to call me for work.

with a leap of faith, i went home only to be bothered by a text clarifying my schedule. i almost peed my pants when i did not know what to do for a minute or two. should i go home or not?

so here i am, being lazy again at the comfort of my "real" room in the province after satisfying my self from a nice breakfast with the family.

i wish i could do this everyday. however, this is not reality.

often, i sleep on the floor with my very old mattress in manila since the bed provided by the owner of the house cannot support my weight. in this way, my back is more stable and i get to move a lot around the floor.

then, there is this dust. and smoke. my room faces the road of which glorious vehicles honk mindlessly as i try to regain what was left of my humanity. few years ago, i gave up on sweeping and wiping the floor everyday since by late in the afternoon, the dust will then be there again.

i know it does not sound so healthy. and clean. but i love it and it has been my home for nearly three years now.

so when i come home in the province, i feel like a king. this and the dream of making it big as i indulge myself of pictures of everything beautiful and nice keep me going. even trying to live with a housemate who cannot properly dispose off her soiled sanitary napkin.

august marks the period where i can just count six months from my contract with current work then i am free to work overseas. it excites me and it makes me smile knowing that my hardship from living with a small salary is nearing its end. plus the not-so-clean room which ironically, i have come to love.

but then, my current lateral transfer to the intensive unit makes my heart divided. the thrill of learning and re-learning things make me appreciate more my profession but the desire to live in a more comfortable level seems to be irresistible.

whatever. i should be reminded again to live and think of the hear and now as ms. janice reminded me before.

at least, something exciting is happening.

Moving Up

my current anthem.

after more than a week at the intensive unit, i feel like a lost soul trying to find my way to heaven.  four years is way too long for me to be able to activate that nurse in me who took pleasure in caring for critically ill patients.

but, i am learning. again.

Good Times

it's always a good time.

Multiple Choice

one week has passed and our unit is still closed. no repairs have been made and everyone is going crazy. what are you going to do?

a. magpalipat na sa intensive pero hindi sa coronary care unit
b. i-enjoy muna ang stay sa bagong assignment
c. hintayin magbukas ang telemetry
d. huwag pansinin ang mga pangyayari

looking for some wisdom....

Baptism

day 1 at the new unit of assignment. icu transfer. diaper changes. less than 24-hour post-operative phase. unfamiliarity with the new surroundings.

to sum it up: it was a tiring and exhausting.

my day started really well until a patient started to feel nauseated and vomited. then, the baptism of fire happened. i guess it could have been easier if i had the necessary tools-familiarity with the unit, a password to keep my need for the supplies answered and probably just the little things that make a shift smooth-micropore, calculator (lost it during the shift), marker and some nourishment.

to be fair, there were some people who were really kind. and helpful but then, home is really where your heart is. even if you had the busiest and craziest shift, still, if you are with the people that you work with on a regular basis, everything seems fine. i really do not know how long i can stand these- different unit, crazy shifts and the feeling of starting again.

First Day High

today, i spent my first day with the new unit i will be assigned to for the next two weeks.

it felt like starting all over again trying to win the respect of the people that i will be working with. except for the old patient that we usually have in my old unit, all of the people are new to me. even the medicine residents.

i miss them already.

A Closure and An Opening

this has been my home for the past year. its closure for renovation starting on march 4 kills my heart. and the rest of my colleagues.

the closure is forcing me to decide fast. is it time to go back to the intensive?

2012 Part 3

work. karaoke nights. goodbye. welcome. preceptor. preceptee.

2012 Part 1

new work. new friends. new environment. new challenges.

Dark Side

as i type this, ten times ko nang pinapakinggan ang kantang dark side. i feel that my dark side is already out sa work.

kapag may ayaw ako, i verbalize it or they can read it with my face. sometimes kasi, ang flattery in other forms are like permission to be abused. kaso naman, i do not ask for flattery. i just want a peaceful shift and a not-that-tiring case load. kadalasan, this is all but a wish.

so this week, ngarag ang lahat ng tao. the dread of being asked by the surveyors and knowing the right answer is too much for everybody to bear. kaya giving me the most challenging cases would not help. minsan lang kasi i feel na hindi patas. pero sabi nga ng iba, wala naman nagsasabi na patas ang buhay.

i just wish na matapos na ang stressful na week na ito and we hope to pass the accreditation.

Titanium

well, i stood in awe how the words of mark suddenly came into reality.

"isa kang madalahira at madiwarang nurse."

time and again, it has been my goal to be the very kind and sweet person that i envision to be. but, i always fail. it is like i get into this skin- cynical, excessive realist and a no-nonsense approach to almost anything and everything.

even if i attribute it to the way i was brought up, yash tells me to let go of it. that i am too old to know what is right and with that knowledge, i should have banished whatever that is keeping me to be truly happy.

and i guess, work is pushing me also to take on that skin and be at my defensive state in every shift.

we will see...

Cramps

while writing this, i had to stretch out my leg and rest for a while. i am having leg cramps. for more than 12 hours, i stood, ran, pushed beds and carried people.

my shift was not easy. i had to prepare a patient for surgery while trying to attend to his emotional needs. he was feverish and had high blood pressure. he was frustrated because he sustained injuries from a drunk man driving a tricycle and was irresponsible enough to be on the streets.

then i had to discharge patients. one patient was not able to settle the professional fee of one of her doctors. so now, i might pay the fee.

if i could just cut myself into four, i probably did it a while ago. i am sorry but could not help but whine. i know it is wrong but i just did not know what to do.

until, i saw my preceptor. she was the one who guided my while i started out with my new work. in difficult times, her patience and kindness stood out.

i will miss you ma'am.

Patience from Patients

if there is one thing that i would have to be thankful with my work in an instant, that is teaching me how to be patient.

i usually flare up. especially with the twins. or when in a fast food chain and i have to wait for so long. probably, got it from my mom which i hated.

my seniors have shown me the ultimate patience. especially when i ask a lot of questions or when i am taking too long in doing a specific task.

in addition, my patients have taught me the lesson very well. from me taking a while to respond to their requests or when i am covering up a delay which is beyond our control, i can only thank them and learn from their unbelievable patience.

yesterday, i was at the most perfect time to be at the receiving end of a flare up. a relative came into the station shouting like there was no tomorrow. she was complaining of having to wait for four hours before blood transfusion can begin for her father. medically speaking, her father is stable at that time. but of course, she would not understand or to say the least, listen to our side.

the patient arrived at our unit at 6:30 am and at the time she came at the station attacking us with her faulty arguments and her funny face, it was 7:30 am. she did not understand our process and from where we were coming but we do understand her concern for her loved one. i have a family as well.

but, i realized that in those times that i flared up, it was just a waste of energy. plus, my face does not look good with all the negative vibe.

Limits

you see, i always extend some time after my shift has ended. blame it to needy people arriving 20 minutes before the end of my shift or to those demanding and those suddenly becoming seriously ill.

plus, the paperwork.

in the course of an 8-hour shift that extends to 10 hours, i deny myself of the human needs. i deny myself of water, of being affected by irritation, exhaustion and impatience. i smile in denial of these human attributes not because i chose to but it is needed in my job.

why am i saying these things? it is because on my way home or when i am trying to reward myself in the mall, i would not want to be playing the role of the guy who has patience and understanding for all. i just want to be human and not deny myself of my needs.

so people, please stop talking loudly when you are in a public transportation. i am trying to rest. do not make me go all the way to the driver's side just because you cannot do it since i am nearer to the driver and you are too lazy to move from your place. do not make me wait for another 10 minutes for my order in a fast food chain. my patience has also its limit and my strength is also exhausted on a daily basis.

sigh.

i know this is quite impossible.

Sucker Punch

there are times when i want to punch myself in the stomach. just like now.

you see, i am actually preparing my documents since i was already recommended for hiring. meaning, i will be soon on my own without a preceptor to check my work.

i am actually grateful for my preceptor. she stands by me and listens to my side. ever patient and soft spoken, i see some similarities between me and her. now these things make me want to punch myself harder.

how could i not inform her that i was not going to report for work since we were given time to complete our documents?

one simple text and it will be all over. but, i did not do it.

Ring Ring Ring

i think i am going to change my ring tone for now. my current ring tone has attracted a lot of dreaded calls.

guess i also need to work my ass off too cause these calls are from my current work....