Ekam Inhale

in ashtanga yoga, you will have to wait before you can progress to another pose.  my teachers say that your body will tell you when you are ready.  as my practice is changing, so is my body.  there is no need to hurry for your practice is a journey.

it has been three months now since i committed myself to practice ashtanga yoga for at least three times a week. there were days when i was so lazy to wake up before 6:30 am to practice in the shala.  there were days when my body is just so tight and sore from going to the gym.  looking back, my form is getting better and there is more fluidity in how i practice it.  i still get breathless and i still pause from time to time.

last saturday, my teacher told me to just stop to what they taught me and go to the finishing sequence.  in my mind, i wanted to do more.  i wanted to do more poses.  however, it is not yet time.  my body is still not ready.

how many times in the past do we rush ourselves for some things in life?  career choices.  relationship status.  decisions.  we are often desiring to accomplish and achieve more in life at the expense of our health and happiness.

as with ashtanga, we need to breath.  we need to do it in order and in a system.  we need to listen to our bodies.  we need to wait.

100: Progress

104: Meant to Be

My Captain

The past weeks, I have been listening to some podcasts.  As I run, I listen to preachings.  This picture reminded me of a podcast about faith as exemplified by Jesus calming the storm in a lake.  I took this photo after trekking the mountain nearby.  It looks so calm.  So serene.  But having experienced the boat ride going to the island, I knew it is not always this peaceful.  There will be waves.  There will be splashes of water.  It will hurt your eyes.  It will make you scared.

Remembering His goodness and faithfulness, I had peace.  I hope that as I go through life, I will have that peace.  As my Captain, I give You my life.  I entrust my future, my dreams, my hopes and my life.

Lord, You remind me of where I am, what I am, what I need to be and who You are!

Thank you Lord!

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

there are moments in your life when you have to decide on things even if they will put you in uncomfortable places.  there will be risks.  there will also be disappointments.  however, have you ever thought what if none of those risks will happen?  or those disappointments will never come to life? luckily, i decided that i have to go on with the things that i have planned.  even if i will have to go to a new place alone, again.  you know what, it is the best thing that has happened to me this year!

as i write this, i just got back this 2am from calaguas island in camarines norte after travelling for 2 hours by boat and another 8 hours by van.  the boat rides were one of the longest and wildest that i had in my entire life.  in addition, the travel by van has prevented me from sleeping since the roads leading to calaguas were literally like the intestines of a chicken.  hence, the name "bitukang manok."

but as they say, you really have to work hard to be able to achieve greater things in life.  as for the trip, it was all worth it.  here, take a look:

Bullet Points

this year, i could only think of great things that has happened to me. while there were some lows, i choose to look at them as bullet points where lessons can be learned.

• giving up on school- this just showed me how i can be disorganized and distracted from my priorities.  wasting a lot of time while forgetting my obligations from school.  not cool.
• giving up on a relationship- i thought it was i needed only to find out i was not ready at all.
• being robbed at knife point- things are just things.  life can never be replaced.  and one should shun all displays of riches and fine things in life.  especially if you are at the jeepney or just walking in a street.
• binge eating- no explanation needed.
• not saving enough money- i guess this was due to the fact that i was so impulsive with eating out and going out.  
• little to no exercise- again, no explanation needed.
• thinking that i deserve something- you will never be really happy if you always think that you deserve some things.  after all, life is not fair.  your expectations will only make you feel disappointed.  your thoughts will only make you sad and cynical.
• not enough sleep- hours lost will never be recovered.
• not taking care of the things that i have- my laptop needed a healing and then i lost five years worth of work, memories and reminders of how i lived before.  there are just some things that cannot be replaced. 
• not taking time to plan my schedule- missed out three weddings of my friends.  no excuse for this.
• not writing enough on this blog-  sorry, my bad.  i guess i have got to spend my time wisely.  not next year.  not tomorrow.  but today.
• our unit closing permanently- the place where i first started to work is now closed permanently.  now, we are dispersed all over the hospital.  at least, we can get together without someone left at the unit.  it also meant a chance for me to work in the intensive unit.
• not being honest with myself- too shy to say no to some people and too shy to say that i needed help. 

i guess i am learning.  and will still learn in the years to come.   for the next year, i just hope that i be more open- to people, to experiences, to emotions, to unplanned events, to difficult shifts, to unrealized dreams, to changes, to thoughts different from mine, to the reality and to myself.

Eating My Own Words

i'm wide awake at 2 am. right now, gusto kong sumigaw for things na hindi ko naman mababago. particularly, ang katoxican which led me to these lessons that i learned the hard way today.

1.) true friends will never leave you even in times of trouble. so charl, alisan ang pagiging maasim sa kanila.

2.) save! putik, i felt like a beggar kanina. always make the right choice in buying things.

3.) haste makes waste. alam mo yung feeling na alam mo naman e pero, hindi mo nagawa. nakalimutan mo or may ginawa kang iba na kailangan din.

ang hirap. ngayon palang, gusto ko nang sumuko at sabihin kay mark na tama siya.

Released

allow me to release some mildly-rich temper that i have been keeping for the past 20 million days.

arrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

why must bitches exist in this world?

i can't.

Ang Bidang Kontrabida

may mga laban na hirap akong manalo.

isa na siguro ang maging kaibigan ng bayan/ crowd favorite at mister congeniality. bukod sa "expressive" kong mata, ang mukha ko ata ay isang perpektong depinisyon ng bitchface.

dito panalo si botcha girl.

sa opisina, aliw na aliw ang boss namin sa kanya. nakuha niya ang kiliti ni boss kahit kasing botcha niya ang kanyang trabaho.

engot din ako sa acting. i can't seem to make people think na hirap ako sa work. hay. ang ending? i feel neglected at unappreciated sa work. pero i will not make it a big deal.

minsan, mas enjoy ang maging kontrabida. pero, mukha lang akong kontrabida ha?

Remote Control

nagexam ako kanina for my master's degree. sabay na rin ang interview.

muntik na ata akong matae sa hirap ng exam. may vocabulary. may statistics. may research. may current events. may parang sudoku pa na part. sa pigang pigang damit, halos matuyo ang utak ko sa pagbabaligtad baligtad nito para makaisip ng sagot.

akala ko nung una sobra sobra ang two hours. nang simulan kong sagutan, gusto ko nang umayaw.

inisip ko na lang na ito ang tama para sa goal ko. now that i have a better vision of what i want and what i need, kailangan na magstick doon sa mga steps na makakatulong saken.

this week, nagbukas ang hospital namen for nurses. habang nagprepresent ako for quality circle, andun ang mga applicants naghihintay ng turn for their interview. habang nagiisip ako para maimprove ang aming written output, andun ang mga applicants nag-iisip ng mga sagot para sa exam nila to measure their competency.

habang nangyayari ang mga ito, i was so frustrated with my group mates. i practically wrote half of the report and i am tasked to report almost 2/3 of the presentation.

i am so fed up with the quality circle and i feel no fulfillment at all.

i wanted to cry kasi i wanted to go to the other room to take the exam for nurses. i missed it so much but i can't do nothing but to stay where i am right now. kakapirma ko lang ng regularization papers and i decided to stay sa department ko for at least 1 year.

God sometimes allow events to happen. events na tingin mo napakaunfair na hindi mo alam kung bakit ganon. take the case of Japan. sa ngayon, wala akong maisip na dahilan kung bakit nangyari yun sa bansang iyon.

o kaya kung bakit biglang nagopen ang nursing nang hindi ako pwede.

eto lang ang sigurado: lahat ay nasa kontrol Niya.

*photo taken here.

Connection

today, another bold step was taken.

dahil nga sa mga pangyayari, lalagi muna ang aking di-mapalagay na kaluluwa sa pilipinas. dito muna ako magtatrabaho while trying to make something of my current work.

to make it more meaningful and productive, nagdecide akong mag-aral ulit. i want to expand my opportunities and at the same time, maging connected pa rin sa nursing.



i will be taking my masters degree and hopefully, matapos ko ito. hindi ko nga lang alam kung pano makakaraos sa tuition and other fees. pag nakapasok sa program, i will be starting this summer.

kumusta naman sa araw araw na sched? pero at least, my steps now have direction and they are all going to my destination. i have realized na dati, walang patutunguhan ang mga decisions ko. walang goal kaya ang mga steps e hindi konektado. it took me this long para marealize ko.

but no reason to whine now. i retracted my resignation and the office is happy that i am staying. at si boss e nagsabi pa na wag ka nang umalis at maging head nurse ka na lang dito since magmamasteral daw ako. in fairness sa kanya, ang taas ng tingin niya sa akin kung ano maabot ko in the future.

i told him na hindi ko muna iniisip yun. all i am thinking is the present. i should know from all the tragedies of my not so distant past.

*photo taken here.

**pasensya na rin at sunud-sunod ang posts ko dahil sinapian ako ng kasipagan. isa pa, nakakatamad magpost sa office haha

Bridge

i am about to cross the bridge that will lead me out of the troubles of the past.

new days are coming.

Well-Spent

i'd like to begin this post with my facebook status:

"Bad year? Not even close. With last night's affair with high school friends, new work, good health and God's unfailing love, every year gets better!"

2010 is about to end. with it, i am sending all my heartaches, worries and insecurities so all the goodness life has to offer will come rushing in. so here i am, trying to look back on the year that was...

january

the year started on a positive note. until on the third day, i got drunk. i smoked. and to top it all, my favorite players lost their important matches. there's rafa, roddick and the feu women's volleyball team. i was being impatient with my work in the u.k.



until i shaved my head.

february

still crazy for u.k. people at home going nuts over what has to be done. former housemates not responding to any message i sent for the arrangement of my documents...



not really a nice month i guess but i did try to learn new things like spanish. photo taken here.

march
documents and documents. waiting and waiting. delay and another delay. i had them all for the chance to work in the u.k. i had problems and i knew that it was going to be hard for me to get there. so while waiting, i watched this...



april
i did not go to u.k. i was left here in the philippines. a neighbor became sick and i helped her get better. rafa won a freaking tennis tournament after almost a year of not winning any! made myself busy by helping other people upgrade their resume. i learned from sheng about trusting God's plan and timing... i waited for the time to take my bite like him...



may
karen left for singapore. dad was still trying to work things out so i can go to u.k. i was depressed. stressed of thinking how to solve my problem with regards to work documents for u.k. i complained about nurses being exploited here in the country and why i will never work here. i wanted to go to isabela. here...



june
i backslided with my faith after i knew finally, that i was not going to u.k. my search for meaning, for reasons continued. jonah's uncle provided some guidance. i was thankful for friends who stood with me during these times...



july
benj left for singapore as well. little by little, i have accepted the fact that u.k. was not for me. i started to look for work even if it looked hopeless. i attended the training for red cross. spain won at the world cup! i had hope for better things. i got some inspiration from spain and from my friends...





august
i got new job! yay! though it was not a regular nursing job, i was just happy to be working. pau from trinidad and tobaggo went home and had a reunion with my a23 tropa! august was like the new year. a lot of fresh starts and blessed events. and i had closure with the u.k. offer.





september
my birthday came! i celebrated it with officemates and it was a fun-filled day... except for the office monster!



october
i felt their disappointment. the frustration and finally, the desparation. i understood them. we were running out of finances to meet the needs of the family. i met nam and rian! internet celebrities! haha. they both deserve separate entries on this blog...



november
we moved to a new room. it was better. i was attending a new church. it was refreshing. more than being blessed. depression still occupied some space in my life. i was in a situation wherein i wanted to do more but could not. but there was victory in this toil...



december
the last month of the year. but was the reminder that i was indeed a blessed one after all. though work seemed to reach its saturation point, i was grateful since i was able to give more. friends were again reminders of how fortunate i am in this world. the family seems to be more accepting of life's offerings for us. my sister received her visa. then last night's affair.








to you 2010:
thank you. i had the extremes of life. success and failure. happiness and desolation. solitude and friendship. dreams and realities of life. hope and despair. good times and bad times.

i was made to be a stronger person. more open. more forgiving of my shortcomings. more affectionate towards people and to myself. i became closer to God. i rediscovered friendships. met old friends and had some friends leave me here in the philippines.

i learned a lot. i will still learn more this coming year. and i guess, there is no good year or bad year.

only a year well-spent. goodbye 2010 and welcome 2011!

cheers! to life. to success. to good health. to renewed faith. to contentment. to happiness.

happy new year!

Of Giving and Receiving

i am currently working with my second job.

my first one was when i was still in egypt. working like an oppressed israelite. my salary was not really much back then.

with my current job, my salary is just half from what i was receiving with my first one.

but you see, i am almost 80% ready to give gifts to my family and relatives. i have helped in the daily expenses in the house and was able to contribute some to the allowance of my brother.

considering that i have less now, i am giving more actually.

in all these things, there is one thing i have learned. the more you give, the more you received.

since working again, i have lost around five kilos.

i did not go to gym. i did not engage myself into running regularly. i just controlled my diet. i eat oats and fruits. i made my eating schedule fixed. i may have spent more. but, i have also lost more weight.

now this realization made it clearer why some aspects of my life, i have received less. worse, nothing.

of course there is my love life. mistake. sorry. there is the love life. that should be the correct one because technically, i do not have one. i believe that i am not in love, yet, because i do not give myself more to other people.

and it can only stem from this: i do not give love to myself enough for me to be loved by other people.

i guess i am ready for christmas.

Go Away

I am fat. Not really that fat actually. I just have this big belly and disturbing man boob.s My body mass index tells me that I am overweight.

My teeth have spaces. They are not properly spaced and gaps tend to describe how the seating arrangement of IV-Genesis back in my high school would look like.

Stretch marks have acquired permanent residency in my belly, arms and legs. They constantly remind me how much I have grown. In short, they shout F-A-T at me.

My chin has gained a brother back when I was breaking out from my school age. And until now, it creates this large face I see whenever my photographs are taken.

If the oil in my face can be used for cooking, I think that one whole crispy pata can be fried. Three hours after applying some amount of talc, my stubborn forehead and nose start to shine from afar.

I guess I inherited the skin of my dad. Dry. Oily. Dark spots (specially on the pits). Dandruff. Shall I say thank you, Dad?

How about my voice? I have lost count how many times I was thought of as a woman when I answer telephone calls. Soft spoken. A little bit pitchy in the way Randy Jackson would tell an American Idol contestant.

This is me now and probably, until I die.

Over the years, I have always battled that voice in my head telling me that I am no good and that I am perfectly fugly. That no one will probably fall in love with me.

I am bidding goodbye to that voice. I am letting it go. May you peacefully join 2010 and never come back in my life…

Mental Rut

For days, I sit on my workstation trying to look like I am doing something worthy of the salary that I get. Staring at the computer while occasionally writing something unimportant on my pad sheet, I am pretending to work.

I cannot get hold of the task given to me. It seems that the moment I make my brain work for the report that I have to make, my neurons are slowly dying.
Months before this job, I was literally ranting about doing nothing. I prayed to God that one day, I may be a part of a company wherein I can contribute some of my knowledge and skills. Then by August, God heard my prayer.

And here I am now, blogging about being in a mental rut.

You see, I have been whining for few days now how I miss nursing. But looking back from my first job, I did not show any signs of liking towards my profession.

What I would like to say is that contentment is such an elusive state. By this, it makes man a complete ambitious and ungrateful being. Why can’t we just appreciate the things that we have? Why do we always yearn for something that we don’t have but will not necessarily make us contented if we will have it?

For this, life offers us the choices that we have to make. Now, I will try to finish my task.

Bombarded

do you ever think of the things you could have done? or how about the person who you could have been?

i did. and i always do.

benj makes me think like this: that my life is just the tip of the iceberg. a lot of excitement and adventure awaits me should i let go of the shell that houses the true me.

i admit. i am that stiff, always-afraid to make a fool of myself, insecure and trying to be perfect. i try hard. i laugh cautiously. i worry a lot. hence, i got no love for myself.

most of the day, i am at work but i feel so alone trying to handle its demands. i am surrounded by girls. my boss? well he exists in a different realm.

i grew up mostly with women. my mom, sister and aunt. my dad? he was often overseas working. thing is, he did not made effort to be close with me. nor did he ever introduced me to things a father teaches his son. i felt like his major concern was to provide us financially. and now that he is at home, nothing is changed. the alienation of a son to his father continues.

dominant. that is my mom. i guess it can be attributed to the fact that my dad was always never at home while growing up. she'd control things. even the littlest detail that identify me. she'd prevent me from spending time with my cousins. she'd always say that i am always having good times. i guess this is the reason why i never indulge myself to the happiness that a moment offers. i always have this control button to prevent myself from being too much.

i never played sports. my parents thought it would distract my concentration towards my studies. now i know why i can't seem to have discipline over my body. or the fact that i tend to procrastinate and never able to master time management. it may also be the reason why i prefer to work alone because i was never exposed to the dynamics of a group.

at home, my sister was close with my aunts or my other cousins. my brothers have each other. so there i am, alone and always trying to look for myself. well, nothing is changed until now. most of my friends are from my school. i never really had those friends from the neighborhood since, you guessed it, my mom did not allow me to interact with them.

right now, there are a lot of things that would want to escape me. benj have been bombarding me with difficult questions that threaten to produce similar results like of Mt. Bulusan.

i really need to think. to feel. to see.

Ang Mahiwagang Attachments

may isang kaibigan at dating kasamahan sa ehipto ang nagsabi na may isang ospital sa aswan na tumatanggap ng direct hiring para sa mga momarid (nurse).

doble ang sahod mula sa pinanggalingang ospital. libre ang bahay. managed daw ng british.

natakam ako. tao lamang ako at isang hamak na gahaman sa pera para sa pangkabuhayan. nangangarap lamang ako nang mas magandang buhay. well, mas magaan na buhay na muna. ambisyoso na masyado yun.

message dito at message doon mula sa mga taong may connection sa ospital. hanggang nakuha ko ang email address nung papadalhan ng resume.

itinakda ko kagabi ang pagpapadala ng resume sa pamamagitan ng pagrerenta ng computer sa mga shop. pagkagaling ng divisoria, bigla akong nangati. sa likod. sa balikat. sa tiyan. sa binti. major allergy!

nagtake ako ng anti-histamine and ang ending, groggy na ako mula sa gamot. in short, hindi ako nakapaginternet at nakapagpasa ng resume.

sabi ko ngayon na lang. dito sa work. risky pero ala naman si boss. until now, naka benteng ulit na ata ako ng kakarefresh ng pagcompose ng mail. lagi kasing naiipit ang pag-attach ko kaya kailanagang magrefres at umulit.

is it a sign? na dapat hindi na ako babalik ng egypt? first, allergy. then, eto na naman. hindi ako makapagattach. pero sa ibang sites nakakapasok naman ako. so anong problema?

kung ganon man, na hindi ako para sa egypt, then thank you. at least, ngayon palang alam ko na.

Question and Answer

palaisipan sa amin kung bakit ganito ang naging kinahantungan ng aming karera.

ano nga ba ang kulang? ano ang naging pagkukulang namin sa kanilang pamantayan? sadya ba kaming hindi karapat dapat para hindi bigyan ng pagkakataon? bakit nga ba?

para sa akin at kay weng, nanatili itong isang malaking tanong hanggang ngayon. ngunit para kay sheng, ang lahat ay nasagot sa itinakdang panahon.

kung hindi niyo natatandaan si sheng, siya yung kaibigan ko na naghintay ng mahigit dalawang taon para makapagtrabaho sa new zealand. hanggang sa hindi na natuloy.

taong 2007 nung kami ay gumradweyt. hanggang ngayon, ni minsan ay hindi nakapagtrabaho si sheng sa ospital. nandyan ng isang hakbang nalang at tanggap na siya sa trabaho. ngunit hindi. ipapatawag ang lima pero siya ay nanatiling naghihintay.

cum laude si sheng. above 80% ang board rating. ano pa ba kulang? o higit sa lahat, ano ang dahilan?

sa mga pagkakataon na wala kaming parehong trabaho, madalas kaming magchat. nagbibigay ng encouragement at nagtutulungan na labanan ang depression sa pagiging jobless at frustrated. lalo na pag alam namin na ang mga ilang kabatch o kaklase na bulakbol sa klase ay nagtatrabaho na sa mga ospital. noong nakaraan buwan, habang ako ay busy sa pag-aayos ng requirements sa aking bagong trabaho, labis akong nagulat at nalungkot sa natanggap kong text.

malubha ang sakit ng mga magulang ni sheng. parehong stage 4 na cancer. ang kanyang ama, sa spinal cord na nagdulot ng pagkaparalisa mula nipple line pababa ng kanyang katawan. ang kanyang ina naman, sa breast. nalaman na lamang na maysakit ang ina ng maospital ito dahil may tubig na pala sa baga ang kanyang ina. malala na pareho.

apat na magkakapatid sina sheng. ang kuya niya ng isang guro, siya na nurse at ang dalawang kapatid pa niya na pareho pang nasa kolehiyo. ang isa, kumukuha ng densistry at ang isa ay sa kursong nutrition. mga magsasaka ang kanyang magulang pero lumaki silang marangal at matatalino.

sa isang iglap, ang pagiging magulang ay naatang kay sheng. bilang nurse, naging natural ang pumagitna sa mga desisyong pangkalusugan at sa mga bagay na hindi na kayang desisyunan ng kanyang kuya. sa mga pagkakataong ito, si sheng na ang tumayo bilang ina at ama ng kanyang pamilya.

at nung martes, nakapiling na ng ina ni sheng ang Panginoon. sa isang buwan lamang na abiso ng sakit ng kanyang ina, ang laban ay natapos na habang ang kanyang ama ay patuloy na nakaratay sa banig ng karamdaman.

kanina, nagpunta ako sa burol ng kanyang ina. sa pananahimik namin, pareho naming napagtanto ang dahilan ng kanyang pagiging tambay. ang kawalan ng pagkakataon na maipamalas ang kanyang galing sa aming propesyon. iyon pala ay magsilbi sa pinakamahalagang pasyente ng kanyang buhay: ang kanyang mga magulang.

walang pagsisi. handa siya sa pagkawala ng kanyang ina. sa mga panahon na wala siyang trabaho, nilubos niya ang mga oras na makapiling at makasama ang kanyang pamilya. naging masaya sila sa kanilang mga camping at mga paglalakbay pati na rin sa mga kuwentuhan nila.

"kung nagkatrabaho ako, magiging isang malaking pagsisi ang aking pagtanggap sa pagkakataon na 'yon," sambit ni sheng. totoo nga naman. ang mga oras na nailaan dapat sa trabaho ay kanyang nagugol sa paglikha ng mga alaala na mananatili sa kanya habang buhay.

sa paghahanap ng mga sagot, ninais ko munang magpahinga. tanggapin ang mga bagay bagay at ibubulong sa aking isip na ang lahat ng ito ay may dahilan. hindi man ako natuloy sa u.k. at ngayon ay nagtatatrabaho ako hindi bilang isang nurse. ang aming pinansyal na kalagayan ay naghihingalo na at maraming alingasngas ang bumabagabag sa aming pamilya.

subalit, hahayaan ko na lamang ito. darating din ang panahon na ang lahat ay matutuldukan ng isang sagot sa tanong na bakit.

Clarity

“To live alone is the fate of all great souls.”

i read it from someone's blog but it was actually from Schopenhauer.

three weeks from now, i will be turning 25. it made me think a lot. as to where i am now and where i will be years from now. and for 24 years, i have been alone. i mean the alone concept of not being in a relationship. i have noticed that this certain concept has become more existent the past few years. maybe since the last two years of my life that had passed.

then that quote from Schopenhauer.

it was more of a question for me. am i great? no. so why then am i fated to live alone? i am not great. i am average in most cases. i do not stand out in the crowd. so does that exempt me from having that same fate of all great souls?

clarity please. i need it.

or maybe somebody who will be with me.

22 days more and a quarter of my life will be written as chapters done in my book of life. i just hope that the next chapters will be shared with somebody because i am not great so please, spare me from that very sad fortune for all great souls.