Mahal Magmove On

mahal ata ang pagmomove on.

today, i think i spent a lot trying to distract myself from feeling the pain of being heart broken.  bumili ako ng mahusay na unan to make me sleep better at para mawala na ang pagnanasang may makayakap sa pagtulog.  bumili rin ako ng dalawang pantalon dahil hindi na angkop ang sukat ng mga dati kong pantalon.  sa wakas, nagbunga na rin ang aking paggym at hindi consistent na pagkain ng healthy.  haha.

bumili rin ako ng beanie na kahalili ng bigay ni besty Matet.  malapit na ang taglamig.  kailangang warm and comfy.  bumili rin ako ng bagong short na pangwork out at jogging pants na gagamitin ko sa pagpunta sa gym ngayong winter.  bumili rin ako ng sapatos.  sapatos na two-in-one na gusto ko, brogue na high cut perfect for winter!

in all these things, nakalimot ako kahit panandalian.  hindi ko na siya tinext ngayon.  tuwing alas nuwebe ng umaga, bumabati ako sa pamamagitan ng text ng good morning.  may kasama pang smiley.  maghihintay ako pagkatapos.  madalas, pagsapit ng alas diyes y medya ng umaga siya sasagot ng good morning.  mali, morning lang pala ang lagi niyang sagot.

sa mga nakaraang araw, nagiging mapakla ang sagot niya.  disinterest at pagkauyam ang aking nadarama sa pagbasa ng mga text niya.  at finally, ako na laging nagbibigay ng payo sa mga kaibigan tungkol sa pag-ibig ay nangailangan na ng payo.  wag ko daw itext.  hayaang madama niya ang aking pagkawala.  pero, hindi ako nakatiis.  tinext ko pa rin siya kahapon.  at yun na nga, isang sampal ng kawalang gana sa pagsagot ang aking natanggap.

ang sakit.

masakit pala ang hindi pahalagahan ng isang tao na naging mahalaga na sayo.  pero promise, hindi muna ako mamimili sa ngayon.

92: Letter to Self on a Friday Night

hey!  it's friday night and here you are at a computer shop watching youtube videos of bulldogs, volleyball matches and episodes of the voice usa.  

first, do not be sad for being alone.  you are not lonely.  those two words are different.  you probably know this fact by this time.  i like that you give more value to yourself and that you do not tie it to other people or to things.  yes it can be really lonely at times but the fact that you are trying to enjoy yourself leads to a better you and hopefully, to meeting someone.

second, take time to enjoy things while you can and you have the ability to do so.  like what you did when you craved for a burrito and you walked from legarda to dapitan just to have it.  or when you just had to read from your ebook reader for three hours because you are really having a great time.  even when you had 50 pesos on your wallet, you still made ways to enjoy and not wallow in self-pity.

third, there is no use for you to regret.  learn from every mistake.  rise up from every challenge.  take a 360-degree view of the situation even when you can't knowing that God will provide it to you later.  always move forward and never forget the lessons from the past.

fourth, stop demeaning yourself.  you are good.  even better for some people's standards.  NEVER FORGET THIS.  give yourself some privilege to believe in your goodness and your ability to achieve.  stop covering your talents and what you can do.  do not be afraid to take responsibilities because of these things.  these are ways that will make you a better person.  accept your true self and then you can finally soar.

fifth, learn to appreciate.  thank other people and appreciate them when they give you compliments.  open your eyes to the goodness of other people.  believe in the goodness of other people but know your limits.  thank other people for the help given to you and thank your friends.

lastly, take care of your self.  i really like that you are still swimming whenever you can.  be happy that you can now complete 1000 meters in a span of one hour and 30 minutes.  that is a great achievement for you since you started swimming last september.  you just have to keep working on your form and your stroke.  but hey, you will get there.  also, i like that you religiously run whenever you are in pampanga and you cannot swim.  i like that you are paying more attention to you diet and that you like to move more by walking whenever you can.  i like that you give attention to you skin and hair.  swimming can bring damage to these parts of your body and these are usually noticed immediately by people.  

i love that you are giving more time to yourself- to enjoy life, to improve, to be healthy and just to be better at anything and everything.  so hey, do not be sad that you are alone on a friday night.  things will get better for you soon.  you just have to be ready...

Langaw

define langaw.

it is when two of your close friends are bombarded with admirers and no one seems to notice you.

ganito kasi yan, benj and love are two of the people i get to be with most of the time. si benj, via internet and si love, sa aming mga weekly meetings sa victory. isang pinaka-sure sign ata na nilalangaw ka ay ang pagigng good listener.

pano naman, wala kang maikuwento tungkol sa mga admirers mo o kaya ng updates ng iyong crush. malamang sa malamang, makikinig ka lang talaga.

benj never appreciated his complexion. nor his expressive eyes. sa bansang hibang sa kaputian, his exotic looks rarely got the rave. pero little did i know na sagana siya sa mga taga-hanga.

nang magpunta siya ng singapore, i never felt that he left. almost everyday, magkachat kami. mas naging matibay ata communication namin. from this, i have heard his countless stories of hook ups which confirmed na mabenta ang kanyang exotic beauty. translation: katutubong dating.

now, seryoso na daw siya. because he is taken!

moving on, si love naman ang babaeng hindi nababakante ng admirers. sa bus, check. sa bar, check. sa school, check. she has charisma. may nagsabi nga na her name really suits her-lovely.

madalas, i give her advices tungkol sa pag-ibig dahil sabi nga ng aking propesor sa philosophy of man, ang tanging matinong advice sa pag-ibig ay manggagaling lang sa taong hindi in love. ako na ang taong ito. ako na ang magaling mag-advice.

how chariz solomon is to marian rivera, sheena halili to rhian ramos or eugene domingo to ai ai delas alas, ganun na lang din ata ako. supporting. taga-payo. taga-pakinig.

it is not that i am complaining. pwede naman sigurong maiba lang. wag yung nilalangaw sa tabi.

Maalat

hinila ko ang aking kamay para mapilit na mahawakan ang aking mga daliri sa paa. maaga pa pero kailangan ko nang bumangon.

kinuha ang palanggana para mailagay ang kawali, kaldero, tuna, pasta, mantika at pot holder. kahit pinipigilan ng muta ko ang pagdilat ng mga mata ko, pinilit kung sumuong sa dilim ng hagdan para magluto sa kusina. sa isang iglap, nasanay na ang mga mata ko sa tanglaw na nagmumula sa ilaw ng poste. tulog na tulog ang lahat. just the way i like it.

sinindihan ko na ang stove para magpakulo ng tubig. naglagay ng asin at mantika. hahayaan ko itong makulo habang maghahanda para sa sauce.

"tao ka ba?," ang tanong ni poan. wala ba daw akong nagiging crush man lang. sabi ko, hindi ko alam. kung pag-ibig at mga damdaming nabubuo sa ligawan, wala akong maisasagot. nagtataka rin naman ako minsan kung bakit parang devoid ako ng attraction. ng kahit infatuation man lang. dahil ba ito sa disgust at unbelief sa mga naririnig kong kuwento ng aking mga kaibigan tungkol sa kanilang buhay in-loved?

hindi siguro.

ilang beses na ba akong natigilan kapag napapaisip ako na baka maturn-off sila sa akin dahil masyadong akong refined? dahil masyado akong good boy? dahil masyadong tahimik? o kaya isipin nila masyadong nakakasuka ang aking stretch marks, man boobs at tiyan?

madalas din yung ideya na hindi ko kayang makipagdate dahil wala akong pera at hindi pa panahon kaya ngayon, anong petsa na?

naghiwa ako ng sibuyas. hindi ako naiyak. sira na pala ang sibuyas. kinalkal ko ang cabinet ng landlady namen at meron pang isa. tinanggal ko ang ugat na nagsisimulang tumubo. naghiwa ng bawang. inalis ang oil ng tuna at sinumulang painitan ang kawali para sa sauce.

hindi na rin ako minsan sigurado sa sarili ko. for living independently and killing all emotions of caring, sanay na akong mag-isa. but when i see couples or watch movies, i feel like i have punished myself.

practical pa ba ang delayed gratification? para kasing overrated at gasgas na to.

kumulo na ang tubig. pinutol ang pasta at inihulog. sinumulan ko na ding maggisa. low heat para magcaramelize ang sibuyas. masarap ang amoy. isinama na ang tuna. maya-maya, ibinuhos na ang murang del monte spaghetti.

ano nga ba ang tamang timpla para magkaroon ng lovelife? kailangan bang guwapo? o kaya may pera? magandang katawan? tamang angas?

sa pag-iisip, napaso ako nang hawakan ko ang takip ng kaldero nang kumulo ang tubig. tinikman ang pasta at pwede na. hinalo ko naman ang sauce. hinalong mabuti ang tuna.

tinikman ko ang sauce. maalat. sing-alat ng love life ko.

Protection From V Spirit

can someone take me to a place where it is not affected by the valentine's day spirit?

seriously. someone needs to consider our feelings.

yes, we people who are not in luck to have someone in their lives right now. but no, i am not being bitter. it is just that, we have the right to be normal at these times.

i am really confused. a lot would say that love is not to be pursued. it comes to you. then again, the real world is waiting for you to open up because as far as i am concerned, that kind of story only happens in movies.

i have seen stories of people finding love when they were not even looking. encouraged probably by His promise for me, it is the only logical thing that i can do.

there are thoughts that i keep telling myself. that i can only be in a relationship if i have resolved certain issues bugging my life.

that i should have the money to maintain it. that i need to be comfortable on my own skin. that i can break free from the boring and stiff facade that i have.

maybe it really is the arrangement. or perhaps not. oh well, i might just admit to myself that i am the dumbest person when talking about love.

however, someone needs to protect the rights of the single during these times. or else, i will need a ticket to siberia...

Intimacy Versus Isolation

"hindi ka tanga, mas ginagamit mo lang ang puso mo."
-lola ni persiveranda sa tv show ni ruffa mae quinto.

kung hindi ako tanga at kung hindi ko ginagamit ang puso ko, ano ako? napaisip ako sa linyang ito. i found the plot of the tv show very shallow but this line caught me unguarded.

i had to ask myself this question. at 24, so single since birth, i thought something is wrong with me. so are my friends. last friday, we had a great time chatting while sipping another dose of caffeine via starbucks. the mood was serious, inspiring and challenging. somehow, we drifted to the topic of being completely successful. us being great at careers but nothing when it comes to the love department.

then the thought of us becoming unsuccessful came as we stumbled upon erik erikson's psychosocial theory. at our age, we are already at the intimacy versus isolation stage. the main goal is here that we find intimacy through basically from work, relationships and family.

sa totoo lang, intimacy when you will first encounter it, is more intimacy sa relationships. ang intimacy through work or career e naisip lang ng mga tao na kagaya namin. may trabaho pero walang love life. ayon din sa theory, hindi ka normal kapag hindi mo nalampasan ang stage na ito kasi stagnant ka na dito. hindi ka magpoprogress sa next stage which is generativity versus stagnation. nakakatakot din. nakakakaba kasi some point in your life, you will realize that it is true.

all my life, i have been thinking about succeeding and in the end, i never felt the need to be loved by someone. so now, i am paying the price of not giving into it. moreso, not heading to the advice of erikson. but it is not too late right?