Sunday, August 29, 2010


i'd say i have never been that open to people. much more to my relatives. then that dream of being in a better position was slowly being realized, i thought that my life should not be in a can. closed for my own consumption.

so i did. opened up a bit. talk some more. tolerated things i never would have thought of having their way in my life. i will admit now that it felt good. that now, i am not holding myself so far away from these people i call my family.

then that incident happened. that reason of being happy was taken away. confusion came. after which, anger and depression started to accompany me.

i was closing again.

i blamed God. questioned Him and even fought with Him. but i gave up. it is always impossible to battle your maker. i did not know what to do. then silence. meditation. friend's inspiring words. some more time alone.

then here i am.

i may not have that dream anymore but still, i am alive. provided with another option, i say it has given me a structure that i can pattern my life.

two weeks ago, my aunt who is based in u.k. started to talk to me whenever she is calling our family. back when i was still fixing my documents, she will always talk to me. i just do not know what happened after she was informed about me not being able to continue my journey in europe.

was it disappointment? was it shame?

but those two are still evident in me as i purposely avoided all family gatherings. i just go to church and see my mom's relatives. words are very expensive for me as i always try to stay mum. i do not want them asking me where am i supposed to go now.

well, the parents have taken their part in setting this mentality that i have now. i was pressured. i was forced to become someone i will not be able to become. so i am here now.

open to the very few who really know me.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Of Cocky and Negligent Nurses


am i? or am i just being too involved with my new job?

for the whole week, i was doing a study regarding the response time of physicians to the referrals made by nurses. ideally, referrals should be documented but most nurses where i work don't do it. if they do, their documentation most of the time were lacking in information. the objective of the study is actually for the nurses. if seen that doctors do not respond immediately to referrals made, an action will be taken by the hospital.

nurses do not know this. all they see is the "additional" work that is forced to them. i know the nature of work. i know how it feels to have a very busy day. it is just that there are some things in our line of work that should not be forgotten.

i have read and heard reports of incidents involving the failure of nurses to be at their best in their work. deeply, i am hurt. hurt because these people were given the chance that i did not have and here they are, not giving their all. you can call me bitter but i just want these people to know that being too cocky that you are a nurse and working as a nurse do not give you the chance to look down on me and not perform well.

today, i realized that i am given the chance to evaluate my acts, my intentions and my status. being away from patients means i have to be more competent and aware of my actions because soon, i will be with them.

for now, i may have to swallow my bitterness.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


i am not handling any patients with my job now.

for one, it will be a relief. no messy work. no medications to give. no abusive doctors. no relatives to accommodate. no risk to infections. no tiring work. no night shifts.

but today, i was perplexed. perplexed if i really prefer to have no patients to take care of but rather work with nurses. little by little, i am realizing the nature of my work. and that it is not easy. oh well, no work is easy. it will always have challenges along the way.

i work with nurses now. i am in the other side of the world. from what i see, nurses here are stubborn and fearless. fearless of their actions. i do not know where they get their confidence but thing is, their confidence is not in the rightful place. i have worked with patients before and i know what busy means. it is hard and complicated that if you are poor in time management skills, you will end up disorganized and lost with all the work that you have to finish.

for three days now, i am becoming disappointed with the way nurses work. i see them as not responsible and mindful of their acts. it maybe a hasty generalization but allow me just for now. i am still shocked. it makes me miss my previous work but just a little. looking back to the past is useless now. i can only bring the lessons that it has taught me.

in my own assessment, i do not see myself doing this work for long. i think it is more stressful than handling patients. at least, your concern ends within 12 hours but with this job? it can go on for weeks!

so where is contentment and positivity? i may have to borrow them from my previous posts.



i woke up at 6:30am knowing that my work starts at 8:00 am. i thought, waking up early was not bad at all. it means that i have a job.

at work, nurses were not cooperating to our study. i thought, having my job means knowing that i am not one of those uncooperative staff members. that i am not doing harm to any patient.

still at work, my boss required me of something that is not yet finished. i just gave him an update, not the finished one. i thought, at least my concern now does not have any communicable disease that can infect me.

going home, i had to do a lot of household chores since my brothers were not in the mood to help. i thought, at least i have food, water and a house that i have to maintain.

so today, i am going to put in my mind that my perspective towards life is the most important one.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Power of Speech

when i was in high school, i did some oratorical and interpretative reading contests. i also had some speech classes in college.

last wednesday, my boss asked me to attend an oral communication workshop along with two of my office mates. the workshop was for those staff who are for promotion so me attending the class was not actually appropriate. it was my third day but i guess my boss had the power to convince the training department.

i met the head nurses of the different units. i was silent. i did not know the people who were there. so the first exercise of the workshop was my introduction to the people. i was nervous. but my experience and training did some magic to my speech.

they were surprised i guess for they did not expect it from me. in addition, i am from the quality management department but i am a nurse. so surprise! at the end of the day, my two office mates were telling our boss that a lot of people would like to pirate me to their own departments. there is the infection control and the training department. i just had to assure my boss that my loyalty is with him since it was him who gave me a chance when nobody wanted me.

maybe in the future. but not now. i am still in the process of enjoying the thought that i am finally working.

i guess there goes the power of speech.


after six days, i am back.

i started last monday with my new work. after almost a year of doing nothing, i was finally doing something.

it felt like everyday, i was in a sauna. the room where i am staying with my brothers that is. even with two electric fans, it was still hot. so imagine me getting up for work. with this job, i have to be in formal attire as our uniforms are not yet available. the humid philippine weather plus the sauna effect of the room had me sweating even before i get to start work.

my first day was something unforgettable. the traffic in san juan was not the worst but still, it made my heart beat faster thinking if i will make it on time. the bus that i rode did not help as well. the air condition system was dripping and made my bag and my sleeves wet! people were standing in the aisle of the bus and made it difficult for me to get out of the vehicle. it was like a challenge getting to work.

nervous as hell, i arrived in the human resources office so they can endorse me to my department. however, the guy who will endorse was late. so i had to wait. and wait again. for almost an hour! when i arrived at our office, i did not know how to react or carry myself with the new group. good thing, my office mates were helpful and accommodating.

the day ended with me riding in the car of my boss to get to the bus terminal. the other days were spent on reading and immersing myself with the system of the hospital. met some people of the nursing division with whom i will be working most of the time. did a lot of things that i have not been doing for the longest time.

i think i will like my new work. it will mean a lot of reading, studying and paper works. something very far from the real nursing job. but i welcome this change though sometimes, i feel something sad about me not doing what a nurse usually does. the thought that my parents do not actually understand why i had to say yes to this job can also bring a certain gloom. when these feelings strike me, i think about the benefits of my current work and i begin to feel good again. that i am blessed and that God will lead me to where i am supposed to be.

the process of moving on is finally gaining momentum. i do not see it as easy but i will end up as a better person.

cheers for my new job!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Fearless Intentions

the problem with reaching the top is that there is no way for you but to go down. staying is not a viable option either. there will always be those forces that will bring you down. some unforeseen and some perplexing.

so now, i am going to start my way to the top. i hope the sun will not melt my fearless intentions.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


my prayer was simple- to have a job.

no specific place where it will be. no specific range of salary. no specific position. so what happens when God answered your prayer? do you give thanks that a prayer has been answered or do you wander in thinking if you really wanted it after all?

in truth, i was happy. something good resulted when i thought all of my efforts will be put to waste. one month since application was indeed a good news when here in the philippines, you can get called for a volunteer position after six months of waiting. besides, i was invited for an interview. that was fast.

so after three weeks, i finally got the job. three exams. six interviews. one medical exam. two veni-punctures and one hematoma. five hundred pesos in the wallet. i am still here and still alive. just waiting for the 16th to come.

in between all those things that i had to do to bag this job, i was in constant process of questioning myself, the Giver of all blessings and the future that i do not have control.

questions about the direction of my career as a nurse. questions of me being able to penetrate the nursing division later. questions about owning this blessing. questions if i will ever fit in. questions about my capacity as a nurse upon seeing batch mates in their nurses' uniforms. questions about my chances of working overseas in the future with this job under my belt. questions of me being able to achieve all the goals that i have set in my mind.

as much as i have started to hate myself for entertaining these questions, people around me were doubly nagged by these works of my mind. there was so much wisdom to take in and so much truth shoved in my face. i liked it and that is why i tend to surround myself with these kind of people. they empower me and they direct my mind so i can lead my life the way i should.

in those moments that i chose to be alone, this came to me: contentment.

it was clear that a blessing and an answered prayer was given to me. it is up to me to own and make it work for me. but why the hell i was having those thoughts? it is because i am human. i will always have this tendency of looking on the other side of the fence for greener pastures or waiting for a better bus to come.

why is it difficult for man to be contented with what was given to him? are we always that hungry for more? the Lord has made this world fit for us. meaning, there will always be something for us only if we own and take it. plus we recognize that it came from Him. waiting is not bad after all only if we fail to realize that what we are waiting for is already in front of us.

in this world, i see two things that are difficult to achieve. happiness and contentment. we are not happy because we are not contented with what we have. we are not contented because we are unhappy of what we have. it is simple. these two work together in life.


august 16, 2010.

new work. new people. new place. everything new. everything fresh. all for a worn-out dreamer. all for an occasional depressed nurse. all for the sake of doing something worthy.

Monday, August 9, 2010


busy mom asked me if i was ever happy in my life.

in that very moment, nodding in agreement was not enough to the truth that my life has mirrored in the previous months. i was never happy for most of the times. for sure there were those moments with benj, karen and the rest of the gang but at the end of the day, loneliness and sadness creep into the patches of my soul. separation anxiety? probably. that is why at times, i bailed out on some night outs just because i would rather be sad now than be sad later.

the idea that i am no good also adds up to that thick envelope of me being a total failure. and in that, there is no reason to be happy. i also remember this philosophy that i have: do not be too happy for sadness comes along with it. so whenever i feel really happy, i pinch and control myself from being too happy.

last week has been very good.

i got a job now. i will be starting on the 16th of this month and i am having cold feet. everything will be new so i am really out of my comfort zone and that scares me to death. a comfortable one but nevertheless not a nursing job, i had thoughts of uncertainty regarding my future. until poan, ryan, nam, carlo, pau and practically all of my trusted friends repeatedly told me that i have to be open for opportunities not limiting the wonderful me with pure nursing work.

no more rushing things. no more over thinking. no more wild imaginations. just accepting what i have right now. just maximizing what was given to me. just trying to be more positive.

then i met some of those people who keep me sane- my college barkada (frends)! two years in the making, nothing was changed.

two years ago, this is how we looked like.

we are still the same. silly. funny. caring. all nurses and all there to reminisce the past and celebrate our friendship. so we dined. watched our school win at a ball game. talked some. sang our hearts out at a bar. did some damage with our liver by drinking booze. talked some more. photo session in every minute. and talked till the wee hours of the morning.

i laughed loudly. and convincingly. i did not reserve anything for my friends not to hear about my life. i shouted every time our team got to shoot the hoops and i booed the opposing team every time theirs did the magic for them. i jumped when they got to steal some balls from them and i marveled with how our cheer dance squad performed. i sang like i was in the bathroom. i drank booze like it was the first time. i danced a bit and for a minute, did not care about anything but being happy

so now, i am happy. truly happy and would like to leave it this way till the new chance comes along.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Speech

sometimes, i want to get out of myself.

once out of my body, i will have to give the most sarcastic and in-your-face speech so that i can give some love to the always pessimistic me. i am known for those speeches. those that can stir up your sleeping consciousness to what is true, obvious and right. my friends had it and i believe that it is time that i take some dose of my own medicine.

they say that when you are experiencing love problems, it is best to ask for advice from people who are not in love. and when in this situation that i am in, i only get advice from people who are the most amazing people that i know. they are not perfect but they do just fine. they face each day as something to be thankful. believing in themselves that today is another chance to fulfill your dreams. they also struggle with life. yet they do not succumb to perpetual moments of being lost and hopeless.

none of those people i admire can shove the truth in my face. to look back now with those moments of me being the usual person who constantly knows what is right, i feel like i deserve some speech.

a damn compelling speech that can make me blush in pure realization that i am being nonsense.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

A Closure and A Beginning

i think the timing was perfect.

the closure that is. finally, i got it. i have wanted it for the longest time. waiting for it was difficult and it left me crippled for months. i didn't want to move. to take action or to even think about it. i got depressed and was angry about everything. i thought that i do not deserve all these.

who said that the world owed me something? no one. but i got it all figured out after numerous conversations with people i value the most.

i should be crying now. i should be angry and bitter after formally receiving the letter that my application for u.k. registration as a nurse has been rejected. now that our finances have been depleted and our hopes crashed, what is there for us but to accept and move on, right?

well, i was expecting this for so long that it kinda made me numb about being on this situation. i was so scared before that when this day comes, i will still be affected by the sad news. now i am not.

there is some form of truth in that time can heal all wounds. it can heal in the sense that it forms a certain immunity to what has hurt you before. somehow, it creates a certain scar that is not capable of feelings particularly, pain.

i guess i have that now but more importantly, the timing could not be any better as mentioned before.

today, i got a text message informing me about a job offer from a medical center in manila. after six interviews in two weeks, they are offering me the position of a quality analyst. clearly, it is not really nursing work. i will not be handling patients but do i have a choice right now?

i like the possibility of being able to transfer to the nursing division after a year or two. the future is still unwritten as nam would like to teach me. i get inspiration and wisdom from him and rian.

i would like to wait for other opportunities. for a real nursing work. but i do not have that luxury anymore. so for days, i kept myself busy thinking about my decision.

i hope i don't fuck up this time. seriously.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

New Day

a new day belongs to people who never give up. to people who always try. to people who realize what they have and make use of it. to people who believe that all will pass, even downfalls and failures. to people who take each day as a step closer to their success.