Careless

nagmadali akong nagpedal ng bike ko.  umabot naman ako sa train station.  exactly thirty seconds bago umalis ang train, nakasakay na ako.  pawis at pagod, napangiti ako.  i barely made it pero ok lang.

i had a great plan of what i need to do this day.  gumising ng maaga, ayusin ang dadalhin pati na ang pagkain.  may checklist din ako ng documents.

naging maayos naman ang biyahe ko papunta ng london.  i have followed what i researched.  ang mga stops pati na ang oras ng biyahe, natumbok ko lahat.  habang papalapit na ako ng next train station, inalala ko ang mga dinala ko.

bigla aking nanlambot,  nanlumo ako sa aking pag-alala ng mga dinala.  nakalimutan ko ang passport!  sa lahat pa naman ng mga dapat dalhin, iyon pa ang aking nakalimutan.  bumaba ako sa next station at umuwi na ng cambridge.

inisip ko, paano ko nga ba nakalimutan iyon?  

naalala ko, minarkahan ko lang ang checklist without putting my passport.  nakadagdag din ang kanyang balot na pinagawa ko pa sa thailand.  hindi ko talaga siya nalagay sa bag ko.

umiyak ako.  nagmukmok sa katangahan.  

pero sabi nga ni jake, tumayo ka diyan at maglakad.  magliwaliw at alisin ang panlulumo sa isang bagay na hindi mo na maibabalik.

at heto, nasa coffee shop ngayon at nagpapainit sa tulong ng kape.  another day and another lesson learned.

Pasyon de Amor

i could say that i have finally found a passion in ashtanga yoga.  its beauty has put me in a state where i have never been...

today, greg nardi came for a mysore session.  the experience was just so lovely that i am still smiling at this moment.  i was also able to talk to my fellow students who have been practising yoga for a very long time.  

i have never been active when i was young.  sports was something my parents thought of as a hindrance to being great at school.  i did not have the means to engage myself into activities that i would love to try.  so this is me being grateful for where i am now and for what i can do.  

Pulag

been opening my blogger account since yesterday.  i had some spurts of ideas of what to write and what not. so here, i will start with this:

Makeover

off on a saturday night. sounds fun? but no. am duty tomorrow, for the second time. pero sige, if i have to do this, then ok. i will have to endure it.

last night was tiring. intubated nga pero every ten minutes e tawag nang tawag. nakakapagod at nakakapanibago dahil sa hindi pa sanay sa mga routine. funny how few years ago, nagagawa ko pang magtea break habang may hawak akong patient na sobrang critical at isa pang madaming orders.

things change and in effect talaga ang law of disuse.

but please, i need an attitude makeover. stat!

Hearty

i had enough with the negative posts.

this is me, channeling the more positive person that i can be. so i will begin with my work now. as you know, i am still with the training department of the nursing service. yesterday was my second day of deployment at the unit which i will be assigned.

if the guy from london is into the kidneys and the guy from california is into bones, i have just re-affirmed my commitment to the heart.



in the past, i have worked as a critical care nurse handling cases from the medical intensive care unit and the coronary care unit. however, i was really handling more medical icu cases rather than the coronary cases.

when our area of assignment was announced, i was not entirely happy. i wanted an intensive area of assignment but i was placed at the telemetry unit. all of that changed when i had my exposure at the telemetry unit. i realized that the cases admitted at the unit were exactly similar to what i was handling at the coronary care unit in egypt.

even the medications and the routine were somehow close to what i had before. and with that, i fully embraced my assignment. in fact, it was the next best thing to my first choice of assignment which was coronary care unit. with my new work, the coronary care unit is just five steps away from our unit. logically, if i wanted to be transferred to the intensive area, it would be best if i will be at the coronary care unit.

our plans are really limited. we thought that with our plan, it is the best one for us. when shit happens, we sulk and feel down. this Christmas, i have learned to fully trust Him with my life- career, love life, finances, family and happiness.

Merry Christmas!

*picture taken here.

The Next Sign

Day off. Gabi, mga mag-aalas otso. Papatapos na ang summer ngunit mainit pa rin. Ang langit, maaliwalas pa rin. Walang ulap. Wala ring bituin. Subalit, ang buwan ay nagmamalaki sa kanyang liwanag. Siya ang bida sa kalangitan doon.

Ilang araw ang nakalipas, nabili ko rin ang bagong digital camera na ninanais ko. Pagkatapos ng mga nakakapagod na pagtatrabaho, may naibunga rin ang lahat. Ready na ako para mag-upload ng mga larawan sa aking blog at facebook.

Wala pa rin internet connection ang aming flat. Tahimik. Kaya’t napagdesisyon kong puntahan ang flat ng mga kasama sa trabaho para makigamit ng internet. Dala ang dalawang cellphone, coin purse na may lamang iilang piastres (perang barya sa Egypt), flash drive at ang aking bagong camera.

Mainit ang hingin. Tahimik kong pinihit ang tarangkahan ng aming pintuan sa flat at naglakad ng walang pangamba sa gabi na pinamumunuan ng mga halakhak ng mga batang Egyptian na nagfu-football sa daan.

Ang buong akala ko, mag-isa akong naglalakad. Walang kasunod o walang ibang tao na patungo sa aking direksyon. Wala naman din akong naramdaman na kakaiba. Kaya’t ganun na lang ang aking pagkagimbal nang biglang sumulpot ang isang mama na may hawak na kutsilyo. Pipindot na lang ako ng doorbell ng aking mga katrabaho ngunit nangyari pa.

Hindi ko siya maintindihan.

Basta ang alam ko, hinihingi niya ang aking mga gamit- cellphone, pera at lahat. Napangiwi ako sa takot at kaba. First time ko.

Sa Pilipinas, maswerte ako na hindi ako nakaranas nito. Pero sa lahat ng lugar, dito pa. inisip ko ang aking magiging itsura. Ipapacremate kaya ako o kaya naman ay ireref at ilalagay sa parang kahon na kahoy pauwi sa pilipinas. Morbid pero dumating ako sa punto na what if mamatay ako.

At that point, I told myself na uuwi na talaga ako. Ito na ang hinihingi kong sign.
*************************************************************************
Two years passed, I am home.

My camera is still here but the batteries are not functioning. Luckily, I came home whole- and alive. I guess I am still blessed after all.

Now, the next sign shall be anticipated.

My Life in Words

haggard. school assignments. reports. deadline. frustrations. demanding. irrational. noisy. loud. palengkera. selfish bitch. self-righteous. overbearing. insensitive. aggressive. pressure. wounds.

hopeful. friends. dinner. appreciation. bonchon chicken. favorite song. stories. benj. pat. pau. may. free tuna. accomplished assignment. dad's flight. prospects. sister. conversation.

Drive

i think i could use some beer right now. pwede ring tanduay ice na hindi ko pa rin natitikman hanggang ngayon.

at work, some nurses call us the zombies as if we eat their brains by our mere presence. effort ako everytime i face the world at work. ilang beses pabalik balik sa c.r. para icheck ang mukhang hindi naman nagbabago. wait, ang mukhang hindi pumapayat.

why i am saying this? cause i feel like i am zombie by doing routine things without passion. or something that would make me hunger for more. walang drive.

and still, i feel like there is still no direction with my life and career. hay, gusto ko nang kakaiba. nang something na may saysay.

partly, i need to save myself from botcha girl. parang nahahawa ako sa kababawan ng pag-iisip at conviction. napapadalas ang mga halakhak ko sa kanyang folly.

this is not right. wait, eto rin. this is not right. may mga assignment pa pala ako.

hey charlton, that should drive you!

300

last thursday, nagawa kong makapasok muli sa araneta coliseum. mahirap mang paniwalaan pero nakapanood po ako ng concert.

sa buong buhay ko, dalawang concert palang ang napapanood ko. ang switchfoot na kung saan sa general admission ako umupo at ang huli, ang hillsong united.

hindi ko na sinama ang pagcucutting classes noong nagpunta sa manila si jason mraz para makapanood ng eat bulaga kung saan nagperform si jason.

i would say sa 300 pesos na ginastos ko, i really had a wonderful time with people who love God.

sulit!

Pay Back

i guess by this time, i have to accept the fact that i will never be a part of their group again.

i am talking of the people i worked with in egypt. it is just fair that these things happened to me. me being left behind with their trip to enchanted kingdom. or their adventure at kirsten recruitment.

as annoying as mark's on and off responses in yahoo messenger, i remembered shutting myself out of the system. their system. their circle of friends. i had to do it while trying to prove them that i made the right decision in going home instead of finishing the two-year contract.

now that they are processing their papers for egypt (the second time), mark was asking me if i wanted to join them. in a polite manner, i answered him no. yes to the part of working again at the bedside but no for the fact that i will never have the registration details i need in order to apply for other countries.

indeed, karma is a bitch. biting my sensitive emotions for being left out. then it hit me. it was exactly what i did to him when i left him be devoured by the nurses in critical care unit.

Buto

at dahil ako ay isang pobreng empleyado ng isang ospital na kumikita ng minimum na sahod, naisipan kong magcontribute sa paraan na kaya ko- ang paggabay sa kalusugan. sa pagkakaregular ko sa opisina, may mga kasamang benepisyo yan. may access din sa mga serbisyong ino-offer ng ospital.

sa pagiging women's month ng march, may libreng bone scan sa lahat ng mga babae lalo na ang mga menopausal. natuwa naman daw ako at kahit papano, may silbi ako sa bahay. pwede ang mga tiyahin at lola pati siyempre si mudra sa gimik na ito.

kung ano ang ginagawa dito e hindi masyadong malinaw saken except na ito ay scan lamang ng mga bones sa peripheral. wait, parang binaliktad ko lang. basta scan daw ito ng mga buto sa gilid at kung may nakitang significant findings, tsaka palang magkakaroon ng mas malawakang pagsusuri sa mga buto.

nagtext ako kay mudra para habang nasa manila siya sa paghahatid kay daddy sa airport e makapunta na siya sa ospital. nagkaroon ng mahabang palitan ng text. nung una, desidido na hanggang nagkaroon ng mga agam-agam tungkol sa kung papano pumunta at kung sino makakasama.

hinayaan ko lang siya. magsasama daw siya ng mga tiyahin. edi sabi ko sige. at dun na natapos ang usapan tungkol sa peripheral bone scan.

umuwi ako this weekend. sa isang pagkakataon, napunta ang usapan tungkol sa bone scan. nagtanong siya. kung ano ba ginagawa. sabi ko ii-scan lang ang buto niyo parang x-ray tapos kung may nakita, tsaka magrerekomenda ng ibang tests. hindi raw ba ito yung masakit? kasi ung kumare niya, nagbone marrow daw at masakit daw talaga. sinabi ko na iba yun. na masakit talaga yun dahil tutusukin ang buto mo. scan lang ito.

nainis lang ako kasi hanggang ngayon, nagpapaniwala pa siya sa mga sabi sabi ng iba. pwede naman niya akong tanungin. sa bahay, ganito dito. hindi ko alam kung nahihiya sila saken o ayaw lang nilang magmukhang mas may alam ako kesa sa kanila. o kung ayaw lang nilang magpatalo.

ang mga kapitbahay namen, mas madalas pang magpacheck ng blood pressure kesa sa kanila. wala na ata talagang pag-asa sa open communication. sa isang napakatradisyunal at konserbatibong pamilya, napapabayaan ang communication at image na pinoproject ng mga magulang.

pasensya na pero medyo nainis lang ako. umalis na lang ako sa sala at pumasok ulit sa kuwarto. sabi kasi ni jonah na kasama namin sa bahay kay mudra, "o iba naman pala yun e. bakit hindi mo itry?"

tignan mo nga naman. hindi pa siya nagtanong saken. nagdesisyon na agad siya na hindi na siya magpapabone scan dahil lang sa mga pinagsasabi ng kumare niya.

ako na lang kaya ang magpabone scan? baka basag na ang bungo ko.

*photo taken here.

The Kingdom of Linen

i just had the sign i was waiting for.

right now, i am shaking. i am shaking in complete frustration over an employee here in the hospital. you remember how i endure the pains of doing the linen inventory? well, this employee was from the linen department.

my boss is the head of other departments aside from our division. this employee, was also under my boss but immediately reporting to another manager. to make the story short, this employee said a lot of things that made her manager go berserk. these are the concerns he relayed to my boss:

1.) i want to rule the linen department.

can i just say that every time i receive the email about the date of the linen inventory, i take a deep breath in anticipation of the task before me? never in my wildest dreams. my feet always hurt from the whole day of walking and counting.

i have come to love the people from the linen. but not this bitch. it was her that made my boss to decide to include me in the inventory.

i actually hate doing it. i hate waking up early to be at the hospital at 7:00 am. my work starts at 8:00 am but i still leave at 5:00 pm. i do it for my boss.

so please, do the honor. take linen inventory away from me. it is not included in my key results area. i am never paid for it. besides, i have fallen in love with my profession so this idea of me wanting to take over the line department is fuckingly stupid.

2.) i have an "attitude problem."

okay. and another okay. plus a shrug.

what attitude? this manager never saw me working with his staff. or this bitch. i never worked with her. i worked with the people who had to shoulder the heavy work of providing linens to all patients in the hospital.

i address them as "sir and ma'am" though technically, i am higher in position. i do it out of respect. i go with them. i stand when they stand. i don't sit until the inventory is done. i never complain.

even if i do not have mask when the soiled linen are being counted, you won't hear anything from me.

i am a nurse. and i am trained to interact with people from all walks of life. i respect the people from linen. in fact, i admire them for their noble acts. they often get unappreciated and they are stationed in a very small office.

but i appreciate them. i value their work.

i guess the manager should have talked to me before giving a call to my boss. in fairness to my boss, he defended me. he dismissed all accusations against me. especially point number 1.

receiving my salary and bonus is already a great gift for today. but the sign?

there goes the sign. i just wish that this is what God would want me to believe.

Barriotic

since kahapon ay first time kong makakita ng brazillian model, susulitin ko na. kasi kahapon, first time kong makapanood ng 3D movie sa glorietta!

dahil sa kacheapan ko, lahat ay first time. first time manood ng sine in 3 months. first time manood sa glorietta. first time sa advanced screening. first time sa 3D.

this is life! haha. so barriotic...

Greener

there is a difference of satisfaction when you ate like there was no tomorrow and the one when you felt too sophisticated after eating.

consistent in being too ambitious, i tried the mediterranean diet. basically, the diet is about having 9-10 servings of fruits and vegetables per day.

on sunday, the heavy winds and the strong out pour of rain brought about by the typhoon Juan could not stop me from going to landmark at the trinoma mall just to buy some vegetables. well, ice lettuce only.

so for four days now, i have been eating a lot of greens with fruits on the side. and honestly, i feel weird.

lesson learned: it is hard to be a goat. or a cow.

Bitin

i am here at work.

but i could not start with my tasks right away as i had to stop and take it all in. did it really happen? or was it just a dream?

i have stopped counting how many times i have pinched myself to realize that yes, it happened.

it was true that i have finally met them- nam and rian.

after numerous calls and text messages, the stars have aligned for us to finally get together. i was nervous. it was like meeting your blind date and not a thing in your mind can deliver some sense of calmness. i was nervous but i did not know why.

was it nam's comedic timing that has to be translated into my archaic memory system in order for me to realize that rian has been bullied? or was it rian's effortless way of dismissing nam's banter that felt so normal like the sun's rising and setting?

truth is, the uneasiness was unnecessary. much more, a waste of positive energy.

the two are by far the kindest, sweetest and funniest people i have met online. well, they are my only online friends right now. it does not matter. what will i do with throngs of online friends who cannot understand me? or with people who cannot leave me gasping for more entertaining and enriching stories?

they are real people. honest. unpretentious. they blurt out things you don't expect them to say. they think loudly and their thoughts can transcend the borders of mild stupidity. they make you think. they dig into your soul and reach for that repressed compartment to bring it out in the open. their spirits are free that they belong to a different league of greatness.

you see, i have come to a point in my life that i always grab opportunities for meeting people. as i have said to the duo, i am trying to be more open to people.

and i am glad i did 'cause last night was so surreal that i had to drink three glasses of iced tea to convince myself that i am having dinner with them. i stopped talking during conversations to breathe in the air that validated that it was the same air that rian and nam breathed in. i took glances and inscribed them in my mental pad on how they look and how they talk. more importantly, how they are as a person.

i am ending this post now. just like how our night ended. it was short. fun. memorable. inspiring. that is how i like this post to be.

Not What You Think

i am just moving on.

that's it. it is not what you think. that i am apathetic or that i am escaping the sad truth.

what has been done has been one. what has been said has been said. no taking back. no looking back. i just have to deal with what is presented to me right now. there is so much shit to be taken care of in my life than add to those people obsessed with news or everything bad that has happened.

oh crap! there are still 30 graphs to be made for my study! got to go now...

Bitch Talk

the bitch is back.

after two days of staying in my uncle's home, my parents and uncle surrendered to the dramatic antics of this quite amusing dog named roxy. she would not move in her spot even if it was raining and would not eat her food. she would be relentless in her persuasion to bring her back home by barking all night long. my parents could not help themselves thinking about roxy so for those two days, they visited her.

her absence was felt in our home. she would usually tease the other dogs for since she is the only available bitch. the other bitch, kisses, is busy nursing her pups. she is also sweet in a different way. but she can be annoying and destructive as well. i have seen her breaking through the fences that separate them from the chickens. she would go for her kill and would hide the evidence of the crime. but nothing is hidden for our great house help and so roxy would suffer the consequences of her hunt.

it was weird. the two days were unusually silent. i felt the loneliness that can attack a person longing for someone. if a dog can elicit this kind of emotion, i wonder about the depth a person i love will bring. it must be paralyzing.

now i am afraid of bitches.

Windows

no. it is not that i have not moved on with the demise of my u.k. dreams. i am fine and i am okay with it. it is just that nothing seems to be going my way and it hurts so bad.

whatever happened to the saying that when a door closes, another window opens? oh shit! it must be the rain!

Killing Me Softly

benj will kill me if he reads this. since the chances are slim that he will be able to find his way here, i am writing this post now.

my refresher course for basic life support (bls) started today. it is a course that i have to attend in order for me to jump start my job applications here. last sunday, i prayed to God that if i will be able to find an offering for that course next week, He is saying yes to my job hunt locally. and i did! guess who never learned of his stupidity over signs and epiphany? monday morning, i called the local chapter in our province of red cross and it so happened that they were currently conducting a course this week. bls started today and so here i am, letting myself blurt all the observations, frustrations and what not in the first day of my training.

really people? start the class fifteen minutes late? but i have forgiven you since the first instructor was really good. even his jokes tainted with sexual innuendo i have loved. even before the class started, i have these two irritating seatmates who are a couple. can't the guy study quietly? gosh he speaks the filipino language with his thick kapampangan accent and everything he says was just plain nonsense. with that, i have understood his girl why she acted like that towards him. go girl with flirting with one of the instructors while you are beside your boyfriend! classic.

but don't think that because of that, you are too beautiful to invade my personal space. your ugly purple fan should not touch my notes. who knows where the stains of your fan came from. can you tell your boy also that the black fan that i am using, yes the one in front of me is mine? and that he cannot just get it and touch his face with it. yuck!

you see, i am so quiet and peaceful trying to refresh myself with the whole process of cpr. so guys, if you don't want to listen to the instructor's nonsense explanation, keep it to yourself as i do. hahaha. and guys, hitting on our instructor while the class is ongoing? please do it during break time. you are wasting my time.

good thing, kuya manny (he looks, talks and acts like manny pacquiao), the soldier who is also enrolled for the bls training provided some effortless humor with his demeanor. i think i can look up to the real manny pacquiao now because of kuya.

now i can stop for the heavens might conspire to punish the bitchy me... i will study now with hopes of getting a high marks for both written and practical exams.

benj, forgive me. i really tried to be friendly. and i smiled ha! though not all the time for i will look insane. you know how i value the image i project. i also made an effort to talk to the people around me. catch is, to those people i find sensible. but at least i talked to real people.

Baby Steps

okay, i fear for the financial health of the family. i mean, who does not? well, there are those filthy rich people that reside in wack wack. seeing them this afternoon kinda had this blunt trauma effect on my heart. it hurts but it is not that showy. now, officially off the path to u.k. and in an instant, nobody wants to take me as i am nearing the anniversary of me being bum. i just cannot figure out how to be the breadwinner of the family with these circumstances.

my dad just had his 54th birthday yesterday. long before he married my mom, he was already working overseas. at times, he forgets a lot of things. eye glasses, things to do and even answering a call from his phone that was in front of him. from the way i see it, he responds a bit slower when asked. probably his hearing. questions are to be repeated twice before he can give a clear answer. or maybe, his processing time is just taking some time much like how a website loads. i don't know. maybe for fear of knowing the truth.

it dawned to me that in this condition, he cannot work anymore. my time has come and it was long ago after i passed the licensure examination. but alas, things were not working for me and my family. finally getting a break in egypt and somehow ending in a quite sour note, my u.k. dream seemed to be the answer to all of my fears. then those papers had to stop me from riding the eye of london or even to step on the london bridge.

believe me, it was the hardest thing i had yet to face and until now, i have not fully recovered from that maddening depression. me who was always perceived as the most motivated and strong-willed person was surprised to have some suicidal ideations. but wait, they just crossed my mind as my medical background had to turn my stomach upside down.

from that person who always gives those in-your-face and always enlightening advices, i was devouring all words of encouragement from friends that i could get.

baby steps charlton and soon you will be surprised of the progress you are made.

the reality that our finances are shaking us is so tangible that my dad had to undergo what he was doing for the longest time: looking for jobs overseas. to see him spend hours in front of the internet and read classified ads gives me that feeling that i am useless and unworthy to be called as his son. well, not to mention my attitude lately towards him. me, being impatient over the truth that i have to find jobs sooner and give up on the u.k. thing. but i am changing. baby steps again my friends.

who knew things can be this hard when you are a nurse? a lot were looking on a tainted glass before. that in nursing, fortune would come in an instant and in those series of unfortunate events, we were one of those people who had their share of peeking at that glass.

so today, i had to break the momentum of what seemed to be eternal depression, fear of rejection and being unproductive. today, i got to register my name for a qualifying exam, drop my resume in another, credentials to yet another hospital and finally had a glimpse of hope after seeing my chances of getting hired. if and only if i had the complete requirements.

with a lot of prayers, i am waiting for the time that i will be called for exams at these hospitals. it is not much but baby steps again. little by little. step by step. all in the hopes of helping myself and my family. plus being worthy to be called his son...