Monday, November 29, 2010


bagong lipat. unfamiliar pa sa mga bagay bagay sa bagong tirahan. alas dose na ng madaling araw. malamig ang gabi na nagdulot na mabilis na pagpuno ng aking urinary bladder.

lumabas ako. pumunta sa katabing banyo. sinubukang buksan ang gripo. sarado. shit! naiihi na ako.

bumaba ako from third floor. madilim pa rin kahit nakasindi na ang mga ilaw. no choice na talaga at baka maihi ako sa shorts ko.

ahh! buti walang tao sa cr sa baba. dali-dali akong pumasok at hinayaang maranasan ang katotohanan sa pangalan ng c.r. tunay na silid ng comfort!

nagflush at naghugas ng kamay. unlock ng door at hila. hila pa. at isang malakas na hila pa.

wait, kurot muna sa mukha. check! gising naman ako. hindi pala panaginip to! nakulong ako sa cr!

sige, baka madulas lang kamay ko. punas muna. hila ulit. wala pa rin! ano na gagawin ko? nakakahiya! tulog na ang lahat at kung sisigaw ako, isang katangahan ang magmamarka sa aking reputasyon!

pahinga nga muna. umupo. nagmuni-muni habang tinanggap ko ang aking kapalaran na ang gabi ko ay mairaraos sa tabi ng kubeta. titiyempuhan ko na lang na may bababa at gagamit ng c.r.

10 minutes...
20 minutes...
30 minutes...

hindi ko na kaya! masakit na ang aking katawan mula sa isang araw ng paglilipat! hila pa! shoot! naalis na ang knob ng isang pintuan! baka ievict kami agad dahil dito!


dasal dito. dasal doon. huminga nang malalim at sinubukang ipinihit ang isang door knob at poof! bukas na ang pinto!

dahan dahan akong naglakad at baka matunugan ng mga boarders na ang bagong lipat ang may kakagawan ng mga ungol mula sa paghila ng pintuan. pati na rin ang pagkasira ng isang door knob!

kinaumagahan, hinintay kong magkuwento ang chikadora naming landlady. wala naman nasabi sa mga ungol na narinig. o sa sirang door knob.

isang tunay na SUCCESS!

In My Hands

minsan, nakakalimutan ko na ako lang ang may kakayahang magdesisyon para sa sarili ko.

katulad na lang ng desisyon ko kung pano humarap sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. tatawa o iiyak? magmumukmok o magdadasal?

madaling magdesisyon. mas lalong madaling sumakay sa nararamdaman.

pero kailangang tandaan na sa huli, ako pa rin ang apektado.

Work in Progress

a lot of changes have happened the past few days.

we moved in to a different place.

been attending church more than ever.

thinking a lot of what i should have been doing.

for a while, i felt like there is something changing. i may have been feeling sad but there is always the effort from me trying to make things better.

Friday, November 26, 2010


i wish i could write of things that picture the happy side of my life. or the funny ones. even the embarrassing incidents of my life.

but the way things are going, my life is like in a black and white mode of a camera. all seems to be in that gloomy color with no signs of vibrancy. it is not that i am complaining. i am just here to express these sentiments. it makes me scared that if i am unable to blurt these things out, they might make me insane.

can somebody change my mode of life into a colored one?

Dead End

i am officially banned from transferring to other departments. i mean to the nursing department lest i want to face the wrath of my boss.

goodbye nursing, for now.


as if my current state would not reached its final days. i often seat in the bus thinking nothing. clueless. silent.

it is pure numbness that covers me. all the raw feelings i have remain unresolved and unheard. in these arrangements, i chose to be numb. hollow and more of a zombie.

every moment of happiness stays for a short time. so last friday's fun was a reminder of how my life sucks in reality.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Alay Lakad

hindi naman ako nakaabot ng fairview sa paglalakad.

hindi rin naman nagcramps ang mga paa ko.

hindi rin ako sumigaw na halos lumabas na ang mga baga ko.

hindi rin ako tumalon sa España Tower.

hindi rin ako naglaslas ng pulso o lumaklak ng muriatic acid.

simple lang. lumabas ako ng bahay at umikot sa paligid ng Earnshaw at Cayco Street. huminga nang malalim. at huminga pa nang mas malalim.

maya-maya, nagrent ako ng computer. nagbukas ng facebook at nagmessage kay benj. nakipagchat sa taong espesyal sa akin (pero di ko alam kung ano ang tingin niya saken) at pati na rin kay ate. nanood at nakinig nang paulit-ulit ng mga videos na inspirational sa youtube.

kahit papano, naibsan ng konti ang dinaramdam ko. sa totoo lang, nahihirapan na ako. may choice pa ba ako but to endure all these things? lagi lang naman akong nasa sitwasyon na parang wala ng ibang choice but to accept kung ano ang nasa akin...

makapaglakad nga ulit mamaya.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My Anthem

It is Well with My Soul
by: Horatio G. Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


the world is still the world that i know as of tonight.

my salary is still the same and receiving it has magnified the fact that i am still poor. the dynamics in the family continue to depress me. and a person continues to bring confusion in my dying hope for intimacy.

what's important to me for now are these: attending church at Victory Ortigas and meeting Lovely, Jon, Joy, Von and Adrian.

these made me realize that living is not all thorns.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Kimerald ('Til My Heartaches End)

my hope for a sense of normalcy just died.

while nam was busy probing my "supposed-to-be love interest" , i was trying to pursue someone. yes nam, i am finally blogging it and i will tell you this: you are certainly wrong as this entry would prove it and you can read "H-I-S" blog as well.

but the pursuing ends here as the person is in a relationship right now.

i thought my heart was going to explode yesterday. well, i am exaggerated cause i am still here.

seriously, i was really down yesterday. while i was counting all the soiled linens in the back station of the hospital, i counted my way towards recovery. oh the poor soul! no matter how many times i counted the stock, circulating and on-bed linens, my heart won't settle with the fact that the person is in a relationship.

maybe, it was too early. or i was just conceited. probably, i never saw it. the delayed response to text messages. my unanswered calls. my removal from this person's friends list in facebook only to be requested to be a friend again this week. then the relationship status.

i. hate. this.

there are enough reasons why i stay out of love. i admit, it can get so lonely and the nights so cold. but i hate this: the feeling that your world is so rosy and then suddenly, it becomes a world of heartbreaks.

as i have told you nam, i have only been to mutual understandings. never been to any relationship. call me coward. or probably too ideal. maybe shitty with relationships. i don't know anything about it other than those i have watched in dawson's creek, skins and other foreign series. or from the books that i have read. (can i include aesop's fables?)

someone will perk me up and the excitement grows. but only for some time. then it goes off with a natural death.

for a time now, i have convinced myself that i am fine with this- being single and alone. however, my age cannot escape the scourge of being stuck with erikson's theory of intimacy versus isolation stage. i fear being unable to progress with my life's developmental stage as i see classmates celebrating the birthdays of their kids.

to this, i will have to end this post. as my expectations for love also ended. i guess i am better now. and this is what is making me single all this time: i recover easily and can convince myself that i do not need somebody...

Monday, November 15, 2010


do you ever think of the things you could have done? or how about the person who you could have been?

i did. and i always do.

benj makes me think like this: that my life is just the tip of the iceberg. a lot of excitement and adventure awaits me should i let go of the shell that houses the true me.

i admit. i am that stiff, always-afraid to make a fool of myself, insecure and trying to be perfect. i try hard. i laugh cautiously. i worry a lot. hence, i got no love for myself.

most of the day, i am at work but i feel so alone trying to handle its demands. i am surrounded by girls. my boss? well he exists in a different realm.

i grew up mostly with women. my mom, sister and aunt. my dad? he was often overseas working. thing is, he did not made effort to be close with me. nor did he ever introduced me to things a father teaches his son. i felt like his major concern was to provide us financially. and now that he is at home, nothing is changed. the alienation of a son to his father continues.

dominant. that is my mom. i guess it can be attributed to the fact that my dad was always never at home while growing up. she'd control things. even the littlest detail that identify me. she'd prevent me from spending time with my cousins. she'd always say that i am always having good times. i guess this is the reason why i never indulge myself to the happiness that a moment offers. i always have this control button to prevent myself from being too much.

i never played sports. my parents thought it would distract my concentration towards my studies. now i know why i can't seem to have discipline over my body. or the fact that i tend to procrastinate and never able to master time management. it may also be the reason why i prefer to work alone because i was never exposed to the dynamics of a group.

at home, my sister was close with my aunts or my other cousins. my brothers have each other. so there i am, alone and always trying to look for myself. well, nothing is changed until now. most of my friends are from my school. i never really had those friends from the neighborhood since, you guessed it, my mom did not allow me to interact with them.

right now, there are a lot of things that would want to escape me. benj have been bombarding me with difficult questions that threaten to produce similar results like of Mt. Bulusan.

i really need to think. to feel. to see.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Ang Mahiwagang Attachments

may isang kaibigan at dating kasamahan sa ehipto ang nagsabi na may isang ospital sa aswan na tumatanggap ng direct hiring para sa mga momarid (nurse).

doble ang sahod mula sa pinanggalingang ospital. libre ang bahay. managed daw ng british.

natakam ako. tao lamang ako at isang hamak na gahaman sa pera para sa pangkabuhayan. nangangarap lamang ako nang mas magandang buhay. well, mas magaan na buhay na muna. ambisyoso na masyado yun.

message dito at message doon mula sa mga taong may connection sa ospital. hanggang nakuha ko ang email address nung papadalhan ng resume.

itinakda ko kagabi ang pagpapadala ng resume sa pamamagitan ng pagrerenta ng computer sa mga shop. pagkagaling ng divisoria, bigla akong nangati. sa likod. sa balikat. sa tiyan. sa binti. major allergy!

nagtake ako ng anti-histamine and ang ending, groggy na ako mula sa gamot. in short, hindi ako nakapaginternet at nakapagpasa ng resume.

sabi ko ngayon na lang. dito sa work. risky pero ala naman si boss. until now, naka benteng ulit na ata ako ng kakarefresh ng pagcompose ng mail. lagi kasing naiipit ang pag-attach ko kaya kailanagang magrefres at umulit.

is it a sign? na dapat hindi na ako babalik ng egypt? first, allergy. then, eto na naman. hindi ako makapagattach. pero sa ibang sites nakakapasok naman ako. so anong problema?

kung ganon man, na hindi ako para sa egypt, then thank you. at least, ngayon palang alam ko na.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


the day that my man boobs decided to be a part of me, my sense of machismo died.

i was always teased about them. hey have built their lives on me being pissed every time i look in the mirror. even if i turn to my side, they protrude like a young girl hitting puberty. i hate them.

however, i am guilty of harboring them. i eat a lot and i do not exercise. but, why am i "blessed" with boobs? i did not ask for them.

please Lord, let it not be gynecomastia! i will eat healthily now... please!?

Diary Notes 002

dear diary,


food. an opportunity. attending the party for one of my aunts was turned into a heated argument between me and my dad. i want to escape the small talks. the awkward moments when i am left with no one to talk with while all of my cousins laugh at some silly stories. i want to escape explaining to people why i am still here in the philippines when i should be working in the u.k. in the end, i was powerless and i was forced to attend.

what about the opportunity? well, i am thinking of applying as an au pair. like a caregiver or something because you can work in europe. that is like my ultimate dream! i should be in europe because i feel like i am a european in my past life. but, money is the problem and i really have to think about it. i guess this was the good part of attending the party. well, the lechon of course was a hit.


data collection. as always. it is just that i do not like the idea of being rushed to do things. blame the boss haha.

my brothers were a bit annoying over the fact of having the refrigerator also coming with us when we move in to our new place. yes, we are moving out of the sauna-like room where we are staying in right now.

got money problems. i felt so poor as i do not have even five thousand pesos to spare for our deposit for our new place.


i am just happy and blessed to have benj as my friend.


came home late because i had to finish a report. geez! my boss should have informed us early on so i did not have to cram.

so what is for tomorrow? i only pray for good things...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Ice Cream

sa mga nakaraan posts ko, masyadong depressing. pero isa lang ang naisip ko, maswerte pa rin ako.

depressed man ako at nag-iisa, at least hindi ako nangangailangan ng anti-depressant para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. may kaibigan kasi ako na naggagamot para sa depression.

so mataas man daw ang sahod niya, napupunta naman daw karamihan nun sa gamot niya. worse, maraming side-effects yun.

i guess kailangan ko ng ice cream!

*photo taken here.

Diary Notes 001

dear diary,


it was alright. church sermon was fine. i just hope i did not lose my temper over staying too long at my lola's house. i just felt out of place again. i slept my way through the morning after the breakfast that we had. the afternoon was spent on running around the house. it felt good. i really wanted to be skinny. and physically fit. i hope i can make it.


it was all saints' day. as per family tradition, all of us had to go to the cemetery on both sides of my parents. i only have my grandma (mother side) who is well and alive. i was just a bit disappointed on my dad's decision to all do the visit on one day. last year, we went to the cemetery on the 31st of october to visit my dad's side so i was just a little sad since i had to go to manila on the same day in the afternoon.

morning was spent on my mom's side. we were early and so it was nice since there were only few people visiting. i was just uncomfortable with what i wore. saw my second cousins and i was not really happy meeting them. i don't know why. after the visit, had a great lunch at my grandma's house. sobrang baboy ko ulit.

the afternoon was entirely different. it was raining really hard and had difficulty in getting our things out of the car. my sister and i wanted to pay respect early on but my parents had other things in mind. in the end, i was so pissed because i was tired of carrying things from the cemetery to the car and the rain won't stop from destroying my day. the trip back to manila gave me inner peace. i was alone again.


i was standing all day at work! i did data collection again for a study i cannot find the significance. it was all the idea of my supervisor. i can feel the tension now between me and my supervisor. good thing, i was away from the office the whole day and being with nurses and doctors made me feel comfortable. it was in this day that made me realize that i really love nursing.


nothing significant. work is getting boring for me. tuesday's realization made me think of applying for a job again in egypt. but, i did not send my resume. still thinking. i felt that what i am doing right now does not contribute anything to me professionally.


sumabog nako sa supervisor ko. gagawa ng metrics ng hindi clear. ayaw ko ng paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya. hindi ngumingiti kapag nakikipag-usap samen o kahit sa area. hindi siya clear sa explanation niya and nag-assume na kung ano ang nasa isip niya e yun din ang nasa amin. nakakaasar! ang key results area ko hindi nasusunod to think wala akong formal trainig sa work. sabak ako agad sa mga studies. nakaka-asar lang dahil hindi siya kaaya-ayang katrabaho. why can't we have nice people at work? if all office mates are nice, then we can all be productive. i finally decided that i will stay in this position for a year. i have to lay out all the projects and do the things expected of me. i really miss nursing!


work was a bit better because it was payday! yay! my mind was not at work. i was less productive. i have tried controlling my temper and had more patience while dealing with her. i was full of positivity!


spent mostly on bed sleeping after i took an anti-allergy medicine that made me drowsy. ate crabs, shrimps and okoy! for the win!

had a little argument with my brother and i wished that i can have my own room in manila. i am getting suffocated with conflicts between the two.

you know what, i feel like my life has been dying. i have no real friends whom i can talk to personally. i have no social life. i wake up to go to work and go home to sleep in preparation for another day at work. i have no hobby. i have no inspiration. i have no zest in life.

so what to do now? i feel like i do not have much of a choice but to deal with life's offerings. i know that people may say that all is up to me. a matter of perspective and making the right choices. i feel like i am powerless. i hope it will change.

so for now, you are my only friend, so stay with me diary.



Teenage Dreams

was it five? no i think ten times ko ng pinapanood to:

watching it resurrected those frustrations that i had in the past. i guess they will remain as teenage dreams...

Thursday, November 4, 2010


for the past days, ako ay naging bugnutin sa trabaho.

ang mali ko, sinasabayan ko ang ugali ng supervisor ko at sa uli, nagagaya ko siya. hay kasi naman, maggawa ng mga bagay bagay na walang consultation sa mga taong nagbababad sa area. ang pakikipag-usap e parang walang kabuhay-buhay. hindi ngumingiti.

nung isang umaga, i was wishing na sana maging smooth ang lahat. sa kamalas- malasan, nakasakay ko pa sa bus ang aking supervisor. talk about your fortune!

i need to be more positive and gentle. lumalabas na ang pagiging halimaw ko sa office at baka hindi ako iregular haha.