400

i guess 400 years was not enough for you to be honest with yourself that you are really not that bright to be at par with your colleagues who came from schools you never heard of.

or schools you do not want to recognize. and so you decided to intimidate the gentleman whom you consider as your friend to change the answers of your exam. sensing that he would not give in, you just grabbed your paper without giving a thought to the other people inside the room.

and i guess, being the pontifical one did not make you a human being who knows how to work with other people and much more exhibit values that should be inherent to people who come from your institution.

good luck to you. may you prove your self-proclaimed worth.

Hate On Me

i think i found another reason to hate myself. but the old charl.

as i am in the process of regaining energy from a day of job hunting from inside the bus that will take me home to pampanga, i happened to witness an old me. i mean i could only laugh now and at the same time, i started to loathe her. but then, i would end up loathing the former me.

remember the days when i was still at dlsu? it was crazy. the probinsiyano me had to pinch myself so many times just to convince myself that i was really there. how could i forget the awe in my eyes when i heard that they were from zobel? gee that was embarrassing. or how about i did not have an email address back in 2002 since i did not know how to use the internet?

i believe that things happened really fast at that time. i was not prepared and i was not ready for the challenges. subjects like sociology and religion were my saving grace. i can shame the graduates of manila science high school and colegio san agustin makati with my grades but sadly, computer science was not entirely made up of those two subjects.

it was pride that took me to dlsu and it was still pride that made me leave that place. we didn't have uniforms there but whenever i wore that p.e. shirt with the logo of the school, i would walk very slowly in the surrounding streets of the school just to let people know that i was studying there.

as i saw that girl today wearing proudly the animo shirt, i can only smile now. i was thankful that i have moved on from that awful me. i was so shallow. and pathetic. i hope that girl will realize that in the real world, we are not defined by the school where we graduated. it may still be that way for some but hey, those people are not grounded with reality. the challenge is when you start to live in the real world bearing the values and the lessons the school has taught you. those lessons may not be entirely from books or from the corners of the class room.

it may come from the experience of having to fall in long lines just to pay your tuition or from the lack of overhead projectors. from the hepa lane food strip or from the long trips going to your related learning experience. i did not only learn how to be a nurse. i learned initially how to live a meaningful life.

i miss school.

Over

and so i over-reacted. i guess it was that moment that i had to go through to finally see how will i do should i go to uk in the future.

i believe that i did just fine. while drinking red wine, i had my family around me so i was just still at my comfort zone with the occasional friends of our family chatting with my parents.

kuya alex finally sent a copy of the reference forms that i have been asking him to help me accomplish. they are the last forms that are needed to be submitted for uk.

if God willing, after the nursing council in uk have received those forms, i will be waiting for the decision letter that i am now able to take the overseas nurses program. it is actually a bridging program for nurses trained overseas outside the european union.

then comes the visa and finally, arrangement of my flight to uk. oh God, i leave it all to You...

i pray that on or before march, i am already in the uk. got to help the family with regards to our finances and of course, i need to be doing something worthy.

to tell you honestly, i have come to love my profession now. seriously. after all the experiences that i had be it happy or sad, all took their part in molding me.

i can still remember before i went to egypt, i was really yearning for a job. when i got in egypt, boy was it a lot of work for me to take! i lost 12 kgs during my first month! and so, right now, i am taking things as they are.

enjoying every opportunity that i can, i am thinking of doing the things i might not be able to do if i will be leaving soon for uk.

over-reaction is i believe a way to protect our ego which is on the brink of a self-predicted doom. but sometimes, it is grounded in just pure thoughts. thoughts of uncertainty. of the unknown.

in the end, i am learning. all lessons learned are written on this blog of mine. my adventures, failures and little joys and successes are all here.

but i just hope not to over-react again. ever.

Let's See

no! no! and did i say no?

okay, i am over-reacting again. how am i supposed to react about this?

you see, i was invited to a dinner later with a family friend of ours. truth is, i never really enjoyed the company of any of our family friends.

scared probably. honestly, the introvert me is really there. worst, i cannot even loosen up with them. oh God, help me please?

last time i was with them, i can still remember myself wiping my sweaty forehead after 4 attempts of having to inject a medicine intravenously, take this, without a tourniquet!

to add to the injury, i was always being asked if i already have a girlfriend. hello pressure? hello embarrassment?

it is not that i do not want to share the little that i know. or the experiences that i had gone through. but, i don't know. a lot of hesitations on my part probably because i am afraid of being judged or thought of as a lesser person.

i have always been the silent type, well, with new people. my friends who truly know me are sometimes bewildered how i can transform from a sheep to a wolf sometimes.

it is not that i wear a facade. again, i am just being a no-nonsense person, sometimes. this i would like to believe and to tell myself.

the good heaven maybe is trying to answer my wish, that i become a more sociable person.

well, let's see.

The Social Butterfly

kung nakaligtas ako kahapon mula sa mga mapanuring mata ng kaibigan ni mama at ng pagkaing nang-aakit ng aking atensiyon, sablay ako ngayon.

matapos akong konsensiyahin ng aking mga mababait na kapatid at dramahan pa ni mama, bumigay ang aking depensa sa kanilang kahilingan na sumama. ang hirap maging tambay sa totoo lang. tutal walang kuryente sa bahay, mas mabuti na sigurong makapagpalamig sa ibang bahay at makapunta sa ibang parte ng pampanga.

nampucha, papunta pa lang dun, naalibadbaran na ako sa init at traffic! whoa! piyestang-piyesta! tuloy, si daddy e sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam nagsuka na.

now i hate this part. ung time na you will enter someone's house with all the eye's of the people staring at you. and fuck did i felt awkward with the amigas of my mom! i had a big shot being a dork killing time.

minsan, nacoconvince ako na may pagka-antisocial ako (ung literal na meaning ha, hindi yung totoo sa medical field). sa ganitong pagkakataon, hindi talaga ako mapipilit ng sinuman na sumama sa mga social events. i know, ang pangit tignan para sa isang nurse pero ganun talaga. at least, i am making some effort to change and i hope it is not too late.

deep down inside the commanding request to show up, alam ko na proud lang si mama pero di na kailangan na sabihin kung ano mga na-achieve at ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. i am really keeping it low. tuloy, nagturok pa ako ng glutathione sa isa sa mga amiga niya. malas lang ni tita at naka-apat akong turok gawa ng walang tourniquet at naconscious ako sa audience. talk about being comfortable with the crowd!

Ako at Ang Aking Personalidad

sinubukan ko lang. sa kabuuan, tugma naman saken.

Reliable Realists are down-to-earth and responsible-minded. They are precise, reserved and demanding. Their most prominent quality is reliability and they will always make every effort to keep any promise given. Reliable Realists are more quiet and serious persons, they do not talk a lot but they are good listeners. They sometimes seem reserved and distant to outsiders although they often have a great deal of wit and esprit. Their strong points are thoroughness, a marked sense of justice, doggedness bordering on pigheadedness and a pragmatic, vigorous and purposeful manner. Reliable Realists do not dither about if something has to be done. They do what is necessary without wasting words.

This personality type not only expects a lot of himself but also of others. Once Reliable Realists have set their mind on something, it is difficult to persuade them otherwise. They do not like to leave anything to chance. Planning means safety to Reliable Realists, as well as order and discipline. They have no problem respecting authorities and hierarchies but do not like to delegate tasks. They are certain that others would not deal with them as conscientiously as they do. In management positions, they are very task-oriented - they make sure that things are well done; however, they do not have a great deal of interest in personal contacts at work.

In relationships too, Reliable Realists are reliability itself. As partners, they are faithful and consistent, well-balanced and sensible. Security and stability are very important to them. They have little time for extravagances and flightiness. Whoever has them as friend or partner can rely on them for a lifetime. However, it takes quite a while for Reliable Realists to enter into a relationship or friendship. They have little need for social contacts; they therefore take great care when choosing partners and friends and limit themselves to a small but exclusive circle which meets their high demands. They tend to show their closeness to people who are important to them by deeds - their partner should rather not expect romantic declarations of love.


The Reliable Realist at work

As a Reliable Realist you belong to the introverted personality types. You don’t appreciate too much commotion around you preferring to work relatively independently of others. You need to give yourself plenty of time to work in peace and deal with your projects thoroughly and intensely. Your ability to concentrate is exceptionally high and if you are interested in something you can truly immerse yourself forgetting everything around you. Very strongly team-oriented professional fields, or employment where your concentration is continuously disturbed, or your work is disrupted, are not really for you. It is just too important to you to complete your projects really well.

One or two colleagues who are on your wavelength or possibly a small group of like-minded colleagues are the most you need. Too many people are stressful to you because the emotionality and irrationality that comes with interpersonal relationships tends to disturb you. You are reserved when revealing yourself, and often have the effect of being aloof.

Sometimes, and although it may not be your intention, you even convey the impression of being dismissive to the people around you. The continuous locker room and water cooler banter enervate you more than anything else. For you, work is work, and you feel that private matters don’t really belong there. When you choose your profession, watch out that you are not made to adjust to and interact with others around the clock.

The Reliable Realist in love

You are not characterized in your type description as “reliable” for nothing! It describes you as a person as well as a partner. Stability, reliability, fidelity, and security are those traits you expect from your love relationship (and which you contribute to a rich measure). If you have promised something to somebody, your word is your bond, come what may. You are one of the most honest personality types and one of the most predictable ones (in a positive sense!).

With you, one always knows that you mean what you say, and that you will stick with it, regardless what happens. If one can justifiably describe a type as the tower of strength for his/her partner, then it’s you. Intrigues, cunning, sneakiness, or even lack of openness are just as foreign to you in your love relationship as in the rest of your life. Since you are very much aware that your expectations of your partner cannot be met by just anybody, you can procrastinate for quite some time until you decide on someone, and not get involved head over heels with a love relationship even then. For that, you are too careful, and deal with your own feelings - and the ones of others - with too much respect.

You are the most conservative of all types, and feel bound by traditional values and institutions. For you, that also includes marriage and beginning a family. Temporary affairs are not for you, and you don’t know flightiness and inconsistency. You can’t imagine just flirting. In the long run, you would not be happy in a relationship without a commitment. You assume a great responsibility if you engage in a relationship for life and you tend to see yourself as the provider in the relationship. Material security is very important to you, and in order to offer it to your partner and your family, you work hard and often. It is very possible that you are most comfortable in a relationship with the “traditional” role allocation.

Adjectives which describe your type: introverted, practical, logical, planning, tradition-conscious, organised, persistent, objective, tidy, conscientious, cautious, loyal, peace-loving, sensible, down-to-earth, responsible-minded, reserved, careful, independent, punctual, precise, demanding, ability to concentrate, trustworthy, pedantic, reliable, persevering.