Ekam Inhale

in ashtanga yoga, you will have to wait before you can progress to another pose.  my teachers say that your body will tell you when you are ready.  as my practice is changing, so is my body.  there is no need to hurry for your practice is a journey.

it has been three months now since i committed myself to practice ashtanga yoga for at least three times a week. there were days when i was so lazy to wake up before 6:30 am to practice in the shala.  there were days when my body is just so tight and sore from going to the gym.  looking back, my form is getting better and there is more fluidity in how i practice it.  i still get breathless and i still pause from time to time.

last saturday, my teacher told me to just stop to what they taught me and go to the finishing sequence.  in my mind, i wanted to do more.  i wanted to do more poses.  however, it is not yet time.  my body is still not ready.

how many times in the past do we rush ourselves for some things in life?  career choices.  relationship status.  decisions.  we are often desiring to accomplish and achieve more in life at the expense of our health and happiness.

as with ashtanga, we need to breath.  we need to do it in order and in a system.  we need to listen to our bodies.  we need to wait.

Mahal Magmove On

mahal ata ang pagmomove on.

today, i think i spent a lot trying to distract myself from feeling the pain of being heart broken.  bumili ako ng mahusay na unan to make me sleep better at para mawala na ang pagnanasang may makayakap sa pagtulog.  bumili rin ako ng dalawang pantalon dahil hindi na angkop ang sukat ng mga dati kong pantalon.  sa wakas, nagbunga na rin ang aking paggym at hindi consistent na pagkain ng healthy.  haha.

bumili rin ako ng beanie na kahalili ng bigay ni besty Matet.  malapit na ang taglamig.  kailangang warm and comfy.  bumili rin ako ng bagong short na pangwork out at jogging pants na gagamitin ko sa pagpunta sa gym ngayong winter.  bumili rin ako ng sapatos.  sapatos na two-in-one na gusto ko, brogue na high cut perfect for winter!

in all these things, nakalimot ako kahit panandalian.  hindi ko na siya tinext ngayon.  tuwing alas nuwebe ng umaga, bumabati ako sa pamamagitan ng text ng good morning.  may kasama pang smiley.  maghihintay ako pagkatapos.  madalas, pagsapit ng alas diyes y medya ng umaga siya sasagot ng good morning.  mali, morning lang pala ang lagi niyang sagot.

sa mga nakaraang araw, nagiging mapakla ang sagot niya.  disinterest at pagkauyam ang aking nadarama sa pagbasa ng mga text niya.  at finally, ako na laging nagbibigay ng payo sa mga kaibigan tungkol sa pag-ibig ay nangailangan na ng payo.  wag ko daw itext.  hayaang madama niya ang aking pagkawala.  pero, hindi ako nakatiis.  tinext ko pa rin siya kahapon.  at yun na nga, isang sampal ng kawalang gana sa pagsagot ang aking natanggap.

ang sakit.

masakit pala ang hindi pahalagahan ng isang tao na naging mahalaga na sayo.  pero promise, hindi muna ako mamimili sa ngayon.

72: Nang Dahil sa Wedding

naghahabol ako sa mga posts ko ngayon.  ilang araw ang lumipas nang hindi ko namalayan.  all of a sudden, parang bumilis yung paghila ko sa bawat araw para dumaan.  

i attended a wedding last saturday and it was just beautiful.  a lot of good friends were there and those people that i had the privilege to work with before.  masaya.  nakakatuwa.  higit sa lahat, nawala ang sumpa ng pagiging single sa aming magkakaibigan.  which brings me to this fear that i have, na bukod tanging ako lang ata ang nakatakdang tumandang mag-isa.  

hindi naman actually nakakapagtaka kung sakali.  sa kapatid ni mama, tatlo sa kanila ang matandang dalaga. kay daddy, isa ang matandang dalaga.  may mga pinsan din si mama na wala pang asawa: dalawa.  sa kapatid naman ni lola ay tatlo- isang matandang dalaga at dalawang matandang binata.  kaya nga natatakot ako kay ate kasi trenta na siya at wala pang asawa.  gusto ko na siyang mag-asawa pagka-alis ko.  alam ko naman na hinihintay lang niya na makapag-abroad ulit ako.  buti na lang at may boyfriend siya.

sa mga kaibigan ko mula sa trabaho, lahat naman sila ay nagkaroon ng seryosong relasyon.  ako? isa.  hindi pa matino.  pumasok lang sa relasyon para maranasan na magkaroon ng jowa.  all for the wrong reasons.

madalas, i find myself alone.  either by fate or by choice, panigurado yun.  hindi ko rin alam kung dahil lumaki ako na self-reliant that i hardly depend on somebody else.  na dapat kayanin kong mag-isa.  but you know, it can get lonely at times.  kahit gaano kadalas kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na okay lang ako, hindi pa rin.  meron lang din sigurong hangganan kung ano ang kaya ko.

sa mga lumipas na araw, nagdownload ako ng maraming ebooks at mga pelikula.  i was reminded again that i need to stop looking for that someone and just focus in becoming the better me.  magugulat ka na lang daw na by doing these things, darating na rin siya.  taliwas naman ito sa sinasabi ni yash na dapat i have to be in the scene and that i need to throw myself into the ocean.

nakakalito.  iniisip ko na lang na lilipas din ang mga araw na nag-iisa ako.

81: Gratitude

We can be your friend.  We can be your advocate.  We can be your human towel.  We feed you.  We wipe your tears and even your sweat. 

We can sit with you and listen to your rants and secrets even if we have five pages of doctor's orders.  We try to accommodate all of your requests including finding a phone charger or getting the number of a restaurant even if we have to admit another patient.

We do a lot of things for you.  That includes your family, relatives or just plain visitors.  We juggle a lot of tasks just to care for you.  We deny ourselves a minute of rest, a glass of water and even the privilege of going to the bathroom.

There are no room for mistakes in what we do.  We go to work early but we get home two-four hours beyond our shift.  We are expected to know everything.

With all these tasks and the roles that we perform, we are left unappreciated most of the time. The doctors usually get all the glory.  Our work is undervalued as evidenced by our salary.  

So for you to really acknowledge my hard work and the things that we have to do for a meager salary, thank you. It really means a lot that you take notice of our integral part in your healing process.  More than the compensation, your words make me want to continue with my profession.

Thank you.

87: True

92: Letter to Self on a Friday Night

hey!  it's friday night and here you are at a computer shop watching youtube videos of bulldogs, volleyball matches and episodes of the voice usa.  

first, do not be sad for being alone.  you are not lonely.  those two words are different.  you probably know this fact by this time.  i like that you give more value to yourself and that you do not tie it to other people or to things.  yes it can be really lonely at times but the fact that you are trying to enjoy yourself leads to a better you and hopefully, to meeting someone.

second, take time to enjoy things while you can and you have the ability to do so.  like what you did when you craved for a burrito and you walked from legarda to dapitan just to have it.  or when you just had to read from your ebook reader for three hours because you are really having a great time.  even when you had 50 pesos on your wallet, you still made ways to enjoy and not wallow in self-pity.

third, there is no use for you to regret.  learn from every mistake.  rise up from every challenge.  take a 360-degree view of the situation even when you can't knowing that God will provide it to you later.  always move forward and never forget the lessons from the past.

fourth, stop demeaning yourself.  you are good.  even better for some people's standards.  NEVER FORGET THIS.  give yourself some privilege to believe in your goodness and your ability to achieve.  stop covering your talents and what you can do.  do not be afraid to take responsibilities because of these things.  these are ways that will make you a better person.  accept your true self and then you can finally soar.

fifth, learn to appreciate.  thank other people and appreciate them when they give you compliments.  open your eyes to the goodness of other people.  believe in the goodness of other people but know your limits.  thank other people for the help given to you and thank your friends.

lastly, take care of your self.  i really like that you are still swimming whenever you can.  be happy that you can now complete 1000 meters in a span of one hour and 30 minutes.  that is a great achievement for you since you started swimming last september.  you just have to keep working on your form and your stroke.  but hey, you will get there.  also, i like that you religiously run whenever you are in pampanga and you cannot swim.  i like that you are paying more attention to you diet and that you like to move more by walking whenever you can.  i like that you give attention to you skin and hair.  swimming can bring damage to these parts of your body and these are usually noticed immediately by people.  

i love that you are giving more time to yourself- to enjoy life, to improve, to be healthy and just to be better at anything and everything.  so hey, do not be sad that you are alone on a friday night.  things will get better for you soon.  you just have to be ready...

All of Me

Today, three people led me to greater realizations. You see, I have avoided standing out academically and professionally. It felt like all I wanted was to cruise my way to what I perceive are my goals. I wanted to be invisible. Somehow ordinary.

But the way I see things now, that desire has brought self-loathing for not maximizing my potentials. If I get unnoticed, it feels like I have something to prove to other people. 

And after all these years, I know that I should start giving all my best. 

Titanium

well, i stood in awe how the words of mark suddenly came into reality.

"isa kang madalahira at madiwarang nurse."

time and again, it has been my goal to be the very kind and sweet person that i envision to be. but, i always fail. it is like i get into this skin- cynical, excessive realist and a no-nonsense approach to almost anything and everything.

even if i attribute it to the way i was brought up, yash tells me to let go of it. that i am too old to know what is right and with that knowledge, i should have banished whatever that is keeping me to be truly happy.

and i guess, work is pushing me also to take on that skin and be at my defensive state in every shift.

we will see...

In a Rut

mark sent me a text. he is leaving for norway. the other day, pat invited me for a dinner as she is leaving for canada.

the past days, i have been asking myself why the hell i am still in an emotional and motivational rut. my assignments are still not yet done. my swimming lessons still remain as a plan.

worse, i am guilty of binge eating after my four straight night shifts at work.

i feel that at this moment, i could have been somewhere. working at a first world country while sending my salary to the philippines for a more comfortable life for my family.

that was the dream and i guess, my parents' as well. but what do we have here? i am still here in our house trying to contribute to my parents.

in 2010, i thought i was going to london. but i did not. i thought i was going to watch the olympics from the stands. but, i am stuck here watching videos from youtube.

truth is, it hurts. even though two years have passed, it still pains me to see people leaving and me being left here in the philippines. no, i do not resent the fact that i have more time with my family. i just wished that i could have contributed more and experienced more what life has to offer.

so there, i will wait some more. hopefully, it will make me wiser and much better as a person and as a nurse.

Secondary

i have a theory.

and it pertains to the question of losing enthusiasm or zeal in one aspect of your life. last year, i was really passionate about my masters. now, that passion is missing.

i never missed the deadline and reading prior to an exam was a must. however, you all know that i am still not done with my two assignments.

the exams were okay. far from what i expected to get. pretty decent for someone who never opened his modules or for someone who took it in one hour instead of taking it for three hours.

this is my theory: when one area in your life is perfectly fine, that one area where you are constantly focused on giving your best, other areas of your life suffer to neglect.

with my new work, i have stopped working to better myself. when i was at the office, i took every opportunity to be a better nurse. even not a bedside nurse. i got in to different seminars and i started with school.

now that i am back at the bedside, everything else seems to be of secondary importance.

this is bad.

**********************************

this is my answer to your predicament. you know who you are.

Understand

hi!

i would like to start the year by doing this: understanding other people. i believe much of my complains, discontent, loneliness and unhappiness can be solved by understanding other people.

in the process, i get to understand myself better. this year, i plan to achieve more, to be more positive and to be healthier. i only see possibilities and opportunities this year.

i did not wear great clothes or filled my pockets with money when 2011 bid goodbye and 2012 entered the scene. i was just there- silent and praying that God may lead me again through this year. that He may open my heart to His desires for my life. that my eyes see His wonderful plan for me. that He may direct my heart into understanding more the people around me. that He may touch my heart and be open to loving unconditionally.

Three Things

beginnings, closures and starting over.

these words perfectly describe my year.

i was about to begin a new life in libya when a revolution decided that it was not for me. i had a closure when i withdrew my papers and started again with my life at the office after retracting my resignation.

i was about to begin my nursing career at the bedside with my old company when my attempt was rejected. i searched for other hospitals until san culas came. now, i am starting over at the telemetry unit.

i have already said that i was praying to be back at the bedside by the first quarter of 2012 but even now, God has decided that i have to be at the bedside by December of 2011.

God is so merciful that even if i end up with a failure or a closure, there is always another beginning where i could start over again.

my faith tested and my endurance was showing its prowess. friends, families and enemies as well has given me the force to continue and to carry on with my life.

goodbye 2011. you have changed me forever.

welcome 2012. i welcome you with great hope knowing that with God, you will be a prosperous year for me and my family. and that you will prove to be better than 2011!

Hearty

i had enough with the negative posts.

this is me, channeling the more positive person that i can be. so i will begin with my work now. as you know, i am still with the training department of the nursing service. yesterday was my second day of deployment at the unit which i will be assigned.

if the guy from london is into the kidneys and the guy from california is into bones, i have just re-affirmed my commitment to the heart.



in the past, i have worked as a critical care nurse handling cases from the medical intensive care unit and the coronary care unit. however, i was really handling more medical icu cases rather than the coronary cases.

when our area of assignment was announced, i was not entirely happy. i wanted an intensive area of assignment but i was placed at the telemetry unit. all of that changed when i had my exposure at the telemetry unit. i realized that the cases admitted at the unit were exactly similar to what i was handling at the coronary care unit in egypt.

even the medications and the routine were somehow close to what i had before. and with that, i fully embraced my assignment. in fact, it was the next best thing to my first choice of assignment which was coronary care unit. with my new work, the coronary care unit is just five steps away from our unit. logically, if i wanted to be transferred to the intensive area, it would be best if i will be at the coronary care unit.

our plans are really limited. we thought that with our plan, it is the best one for us. when shit happens, we sulk and feel down. this Christmas, i have learned to fully trust Him with my life- career, love life, finances, family and happiness.

Merry Christmas!

*picture taken here.

Miss

bukod sa exam, ang mga bilin ni ate na ipapadala sa isang taong paalis papunta ng qatar ang isa ata sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako tinamaan ng flu.

ang toxic lang ng Bible na pinapahanap niya. abonado pa ako sa biyahe at paglalakad sa sta mesa.

naisip ko, sige na nga. para sa isang kaluluwang sabik sa mga bagay na galing dito sa pinas.

nung 2008, lumipad ako papunta ng Ehipto para magtrabaho. walang baon na arabic o alam na kaibigan, nangibang-bansa ako.

higit sa pagkamiss sa pamilya, mas namiss ko ang pagkain. ultimo patatas kasi doon ay may lasang arabo. ang tomato sauce, ganun din. pati ang mga noodles na galing ng oriental side ng mundo ay parang may lasang arabo.

hindi gaya sa california na parang hindi ka umalis ng pilipinas, ang ehipto ay okay na rin kumpara sa saudi. well, kung ang pag-uusapan ay ang degree ng iyong kalayaan. nakakalakad naman ako kung saan ko gustong pumunta. hindi kailangan ng permit. ngunit, limitado lang ang mga choices mo- pagkain, lugar na pupuntahan, at mga ibang bagay pa na magpalilibangan.

ang sabi ko kay ate masyadong madami siyang pinapadala. hindi ba siya mapepressure kapag siya ang umuwi? well, mukhang hindi pa nagsisink-in sa kanya ang consequences ng laging pagpapadala sa mga taong paalis o papunta ng qatar.

namimiss daw niya kasi ang food. actually, nagcacrave daw. well, goodluck sa kanyang pagpapayat.

nung magpunta ako ng egypt, ilang buwan pa lang akong nagtatrabaho dun nung natapyas ang ilang kilo ng taba sa aking katawan. marahil sa pagod at kakulangan ng pagkaing pinoy.

hindi ko alam kung kelan ulit ako makakapagabroad. tatlo o limang taon mula ngayon? hindi ko masabi. sa ngayon, ieenjoy ko muna ang mga bagay na meron sa pinas. ang usok, alikabok, mga snatcher, mga bastos na driver, mga basura sa tabi-tabi, mga palengkerang tao. ang traffic, ang mahabang pila kahit saan, mga jeep, kuliglig at mga tambay sa kanto.

Oprah Positive

So last Thursday and Friday, I attended something what you may call as the most appropriate workshop ever created for the disturbed employee soul that is in me. It was about the eight habits of conscientious worker.

For all the one or two readers out there in my blog, you know my troubled history of staying in one workplace when I reached that one year anniversary date.

I am that restless.

The workshop provided some new perception about life in general. Including the warfare at the jungle called office. In my last post, I decided to be a bitch but thing is, if it ain’t natural, it ain’t real. Does that make me good? Monster mom tells otherwise haha.

And yes, the workshop was like full of positivity. Really learned a lot especially in having control over all the sh*t the office carefully offers. Like a box of chocolates, I can choose not to pick them. But, experience proves otherwise.

The cheapo soul also was satisfied by given the free access to the video about “The Secrets.” Partly, I can actually tell that it has some truth in it as my state of my mind is in chaos; hence, my career path is also in discord.

Right now, I am trying to create that one big goal that my life will somehow accomplish. Thoughts will be reprogrammed to be positive. Smile lines will be evident in my big face.

And hopefully, this blog will be a lot positive in content.

Like Oprah positive.

Bouncer

plans.

i have always made them since i dwell in order. except for my room which is still my next project for making it a little bit clean. and in order.

in my life, i have accounted for failure a little percentage in whatever i do. except for making good plans.

this week, my plan did not work again. a big f*ck up. by now, you may have realized that the only thing i have been putting all my energy and dedication is my career. the more i try, the more i end up hitting roadblocks and dead ends.

yeah, call me a pessimist.

but i will bounce back. better. stronger. watch out!

Bloody

bloody greetings from the city of san juan!

if every time my brain encounters an ecg rhythm, i could just bleed. but good thing is, i am done with my advanced cardiac life support and i believe i passed.

there goes my convincing efforts.

after what, four years (?), my mind encountered again the challenges of accommodating so much information and be able to retrieve them at any given time. i was scared as hell again and had too much energy drink to keep me awake at 1:00 am and study until 6:00 am.

our group had the famous cardiologist in the hospital as our examiner. i had my moments being an employee of the institution despite my introduction as a non-bedside nurse. i think had the most number of questions tasked to identify the ecg rhythm displayed even if i had a bedside nurse working in our institution in our group.

after almost an hour, we finished the exam and i felt happy for myself.

now back at work, i kinda felt sad. depressed even. where did it come from? i guess from the fact that i am like a fish swimming in a dry land. i could swim but it is not my natural place.

how i am missing nursing.

*image taken here.

P 500.00

ngayon ang huling gabi ni jonah sa bahay.

bukas, luluwas siya kasabay ko papuntang maynila para sabay-sabay sila ng kanyang mga kapatid pauwi sa mindanao.

malubha ang kanyang ama. sa tantya ko, tuluyan nang lumala ang tuberculosis ng kanyang ama. sumusuka na ng dugo at kailangan na nila ng mga donors para sa dugo.

mahirap kasi type ab ang kanyang ama at sa dami nilang magkakapatid, iisa lang ang kapareho niya ng blood type.

sa pag-uwi ni jonah, marami ang nagpadala sa kanya. mga damit, bag, pabango at kung anu ano pa. ang nakakatuwa, mula ito sa mga kamag-anak namin. hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibibigay ni muder sa kanya.

limang daan piso at ang pamasahe niya bukas ang tanging maibibigay ko sa kanya. sa sahod ko, ito lang ang makakaya ko para sa tulong na binigay niya sakin.

nagka-ayos din sila ng aking ina. dito sa bahay, alam mo na ang lahat ay malungkot sa pagkawala niya.

pero ang mas inaalala ni jonah, si candy:



wala ng mag-aayos ng buhok ni candy at ito, my dear friends, ang pinaka-challenging according to my mom.

on my part, mahihirapan ako sa mga damit. ayaw na ayaw ko kasing maglaba. pero bukod dun, tila mawawalan ako ng isang kapatid.

marami akong narealize.

una, health is wealth. ilang beses ko nang narerealize ito pero ayun, lumamon na naman ako ng daing, nilaga at taba ng talangka. wala na naman exercise. disciple charlton, discipline.

and self-control pala.

pangalawa, hindi naman siguro mahirap itali ang buhok ni candy. kaya naman siguro.

pangatlo, marami namang landry shops sa maynila.

panghuli, all good things come to an end.

simula bukas, dalawang upuan na ang bakante sa hapag-kainan: ang kay ate at kay jonah.

Mean

i can be really mean.

as in lindsay lohan type of meanness. for today, i have pointed the fact that botcha girl is irritating my precious ears so i told my boss that i am gonna plug earphones to cancel out noise.

then, there was benjie falling victim to my venom that is filled with sarcasm and unintended matter-of-fact attitude. i did not mean it and it was unintentional.

you see, our conversation usually goes like the conversation of amaya and marikit. something to that effect. his emotional and sensitive side was really unexpected today.

it must be the colds. or really, it must be my mean mouth.

this is not counting mark's experience of me hitting him with facts that he should have never stayed in a dead relationship.

oh what a mean day!

Eat, Eat More and Pray

alex got married while jerome is now a father. two classmates. two friends. two people of my age.

now, i hate this part where i look at myself and see where i am or what i have now. comparing is just a disease you inflict to you own body and soul. it makes you weak. it kills your defenses and you become open for invasion of discontent, depression and despair.

i think it is funny that i made this definition of a harmful disease in man but i failed to get rid myself of this phenomenon.

pray Charl. pray. and eat.