Indiana Jones

inindyan ako,

nagluto ako ng noodles, bumili ng wine at naglinis ng room.  bumili pa ako reed diffuser para mabango ang kuwarto.

as i type this, lagpas alas otso na ng gabi.  nagugutom na at magisa sa bahay.  after exerting effort for this date, nauwi lang pala sa wala,

sa nakalipas na mga buwan na wala ako dito, okupado ng trabaho, online dating and paminsang minsan na pagpunta sa gym.  inuubos ang oras sa trabaho o di kaya sa mga gawaing bahay.

ang buhay nga naman ng isang OFW.

so, kakain ako kasama ang aking housemates.  bubuksan ang bote ng wine at sisikaping huwag ubusin.

paalam muna.  marami ang susunod.

Of Current Mood

kakatapos ko lang ng apat na araw na duty bilang private duty nurse.  ok naman siya.  mas magaan actually compared sa mga trabaho sa loob ng ccu.  hawak ko ang oras lalo na kung hindi naman gising ang pasyente mo.

ang itinuturing kong pinakamalaking hurdle?  ang bedbath.  lalo na kapag bedridden ang patient at hindi ganon kabibo ang buddy nurse mo o nursing aide.  at ang tulog nga pala.  medyo hirap lang dahil sunod-sunod na dose oras ang shift mo.

well-compensated ka naman sa trabahong ito.  konting p.r. sa relatives at magkakasundo kayo.  wag mo na ring problemahin ang kakainin mo.  

pero sa totoo lang, nadedepress ako.

october na ngayon.  lumipas ang birthday ko dito sa pilipinas at hindi sa bansa na kung saan ako magtatrabaho gaya nang nakasulat sa listahan ng mga dapat kong magawa.  masaya naman ako sa kaarawan ko.  really.  i had dinner with my family and i went to church.  it was simple and i felt loved.

sa trabaho ko ngayon, makailang beses ko nang narinig ang "o diba paalis ka na?"  alam ko naman na aalis ako.  may kontrata na at lahat liban sa isang importanteng dokumento na hinihintay ko.  kapag naririnig ko to, may kung anong kurot sa puso ko.

i know i should never question Him.  my mind is just so limited that i cannot fathom how His mind works but in my limited capacity, hindi ko maiwasang magtanong.  

this is just temporary.  i know things will change pero bakit nga ba ang hirap maghold on sa mga katotohanang ito?

i guess i just need to swim more to shake these off...

Baliwag Festival

hi!

wala pa ring update sa hinihintay ko and my mind is starting to think like a mentally-ill patient would do.  natatakot.  nangangamba.  pano nga ba gagawin ko nito?

sa paglagi ko sa bahay,  tumaba ako.  after swimming for two straight weeks, mukhang mawawala ata lahat yung pinagpaguran ko.  so kanina, i started to run.  it felt like i am running away from my current situation.  parang gusto ko lang makawala at wag munang isipin kung ano naghihintay saken.  i felt relieved for that more or less one hour of physical activity.  there was nothing on my mind but to run and work my ass off.  same with the things that are scrambled on my room.  andyan pa rin yung mga gamit sa manila.  sobrang gulo lang ng room ko.  a part in me says that i have to finish cleaning the room in preparation ko sa pag-alis sa sept. 18 but the other part tells me to be realistic.  na baka hindi naman ako makasama so might as well put it off muna to free my mind from that nagging thought.

naisip ko, nagiging cycle na lang ang career ko.  mababakante pagkatapos makakahanap ng trabaho.  magtatrabaho nang saglit at aalis para makapagtrabaho sa mas magandang posisyon.  mag-aapply at siyempre,  laging magkakaroon ng aberya.  can somebody just make my applications easier?  sa totoo lang naiinis na ko.  lagi na lang ganito.  my family just want a simple life.  comfortable.  healthy.  debt-free and worry-free.  ganun lang naman.  hindi na kami nangangarap ng magandang kotse.  basta gumagana lang.  enough finances to buy healthy foods, vitamins and supplements to my aging parents and some extra to have candy her well-deserved grooming.

tsaka na yung mga out-of-town trips at bakasyon.  okay medyo bad vibes ako this monday.  sorry.  hindi maiwasan.  bukas, dead na deadine na talaga.  waahhhh!
 

Super Fun Night

friday night and i am all alone. well, this is not new anymore. but to tell you honestly, i made an effort to change this.

plan a: dinner with anna and kung sino pa ang pwedeng mahila.
ending: umulan at tinamad nang magkita-kita.

plan b: night out with madamme charissa and besty yash.
ending: pinagstraight sa duty si yash at hindi na kami tumuloy ni mam cha.

plan c: meet with mark and sleep over sa condo niya.
ending: nagkita sila ng partner niya.

so bilang gutom na gutom na at nayayamot na sa room, umalis ako. nagbalak na kumain sa masarap pero nauwi sa spaghetti ng jollibee at burger.

nagbalak magpakalasing pero nashort ulit ng pera kaya isang bote lang ng vodka ang nabili ko. at ngayon, nauwi ako sa pag-inom ng benadryl para makatulog.

so much for making plans on a friday night. buti pa si rebel wilson may super fun night.

Marching On

as if the breakup was not enough, things started to go against my way.

nearing deadline for the super delayed portfolio, my laptop just went black. the screen just stopped permitting me to type my nursing care plan and all. and when was that? like two days from our pay day? to add, that was holy wednesday when i could expect a lot of stores to be closing down for holidays.

define panic.

i had no choice but to use the money allotted for rent. thirty minutes after, my laptop is working again. and just when i thought everything is beginning to be okay, i had a patient who had to remove his iv line because he just wanted to stand. he could have called me but then again, at 95 years old, would he mind my concerns? so there, i went home at 8:00 am when i handled only three patients.

i thought again, it is okay. i will be on off duty for like four days.

but thing is, i got robbed on a holy thursday!

it could not get any worse. so now, i do not have a decent mobile phone and it feels like i have not taken a vacation at all with all the sleepless nights and trauma of being threatened by a teenager.

so march, thank you. thank you that will be a thing of the past along with all the bad memories.

In Crisis

as far as i know, monster mom is in midlife crisis. coupled with her actual menopause, her constant "temper tantrums" and impatience were just some of the highlights.

monster mom never really had to work in life. after marrying dad, she spent her life taking care of us. with the help of yayas. she never practiced her profession which was midwifery. now that we are all grown up and the financial situation of the family is really not that pleasing, she kinda makes us feel that the life she is living right now is something she did now dream of.

complains. whining. comparisons to the life of her friends at the gym. my dad, my brothers and my sister- they just remain silent. i feel like her crisis is something that affects us all.

i don't know. i guess she has to conquer her monsters after all.

The Sick Truth

i am home and feeling a little bit sick.

but what makes me feel more sickly is the fact that there are these people who distort the truth. i gave my best care for her and did whatever i could to make her comfortable.

now, buried with thousands of hospital bills, why the need to change my words? you have chosen to be cared for under this pricey place and i guess, you never realized that it was really this pricey.

still, i wish for your recovery and that i hope i will never see you again in the future.

Three Things

three things: inis, pagod at risk.

inis
as fate would have it, i passed the exam. i have moved on to the interview portion with all hopes of not doing a venus raj moment. after scoffing my stock of nursing knowledge, i was gifted with a mini celebration.

with careful thought of what to reason out for being absent, i made my way to the hospital of San Culas. one hour passed, i got a text from the nursing recruitment that the interviewer is sick so i will have to go back at 1pm.

so off i went to home and at 1130 am, i was again inhaling the toxic air of quezon city while corporately dressed in a very hot lunch time. i think i will be sick again after today. as soon as i got off from the jeepney, i got a text again saying that interview is postponed. instead, i will just have to come tomorrow.

i was really irritated for the unprofessional behavior and lack of respect for my time. i may be the one in need of a job but then again, i am still working for another hospital.

pagod
travelling to and fro to San Culas was not easy. i braved the harsh weather conditions of quezon city. i exceeded my daily dose of carbon monoxide. all in the meaningless waste of time and money.

i am tired. my body has not yet recovered from the flu that has hit me over the last two weeks. my cough is still making papansin and i could see eyes in fear over my continuous cough.

risk
i texted the personnel at San Culas to just reschedule my interview. i have too many absences from my current work and getting approval for my leave of absences may be too challenging.

did i just risk my chances for employment? probably. did i just showed my disinterest from the work? i hope not. but thing is, it was just not right for me to be treated like that.

so be it. if they call me again, then thank You, Lord. but if not, then maybe the work is not for me after all.

**********************
ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ, is this what you meant when you said that "sometimes you have to go to where you think the grass is greener to realize the grass is not greener on the other side?"

Cheap

cheap treats.

cheap haircut. cheap massage. cheap food. i'd say i am all abut cheap things in life. so yesterday, i was kinda hoping for a good experience from a cheap hair salon. i had a nice one before so, why not go again?

well, i learned my lesson the hard way. first, i had a different stylist. i believed that his work attitude was based on the premise that people who go to their salon do't tip. but, i do give ones. especially if i got a good service from them.

his way of moving my head was kinda strong that it appeared i was frequently moving. and stubborn. i hated him. they could not even open their fan to make me comfortable.

at that moment, i just wished that their place would close. and they be jobless.

i did not deserve that treatment but then again, this is what i get from cheap salons.

cheap service.

Blame

the stupid mouth was on a rampage today. worst, my very best friend is mad at me.

kill facebook. kill the comments section. this is me channeling christopher lao. blaming other people for their own faults.

Testo

yes ma'am.


hays. lagi nalang napagkakamalang babae sa telepono. nakulangan ata ako sa puberty. i kinda hated din naman my voice. nakukulangan din ako. magwork na yata ako dapat para ma-stimulate ang testosterone ko.

*photo taken here.

Tissue

malapit ko ng maubos ang isang rolyo ng tissue mula sa tagas ng aking ilong. welcome to my great long weekend for 2011!

friday. mga 10:00 pm. sinalubong ako agad ng mga latest chismis sa bahay. partikular na ang bangayan ng aking ina sa kanyang mga kapatid na nag-ugat mula sa paniningil ng utang ng isang tiya sa aking ina. maganda naman ang credit history namin kaso nga lang, kinailangan lang maningil dahil sa mga gastusin sa pagpapagawa ng bahay ng aking lola.

enter the dragon. mali, enter ang mga kapatid kong may malasakit sa amin-ang kambal. hanggang ngayon, malabo pa rin sa akin kung pano humantong sa pagsasabi ng aking tiyahin na nasa london na binigyan niya ng pera ang aking kapatid ng 7k para pambili ng cellphone.

nagwala ang aking ina. kasi naman, ang mga kapatid kong ito e hindi naghahanap ng trabaho sa manila sa pag-aakalang walang pamasaheng naibibigay ang aking mga magulang. ok lang na bigyan ng pera pero sana hindi nila irereserba yun pambili ng bagong cellphone.

siye*t sila. kasi ako ang cellphone ko yung may flashlight pa pero hindi ko pinapalitan kahit may trabaho ako. sila naku, maayos pa ang mga camera phones nila pero nag-iisip ng palitan ito. wala sa akin kahit ang kasambahay namin ay may camera phone din.

sana man lang maghanap muna sila ng trabaho ng hindi dumaing nang dumaing ang nanay ko. kakastress lang. kaya tuloy naghanap ako ng button para lamunin ng lupa at makatakas sa mga awkward moments. ako rin kasi, binibigyan ng mga tiyahin ko ng pera lalo na at nag-aaral ulit ako. ipunin ko daw kaso itong mama ko ay umandar ang pride.

kaya sana lang, maka-alis na daddy ko (happy fathers' day nga pala). tapos, maghanap na rin ng trabaho mga kapatid ko. though wala akong problema sa pagbebedspace kung sakaling umalis kami sa tinutuluyan ngayon, ayoko lang yung maglilipat. kakapagod kasi.

sa ngayon, hindi nag-eexist sa aking paningin ang kambal. naasar lang kasi ako. rebellious much. hindi naman ako ganito dati. tsaka parang walang pangarap sa buhay.

anyhow, tatahimik nalang ako at baka makain ko ang sipon ko kung dumada nang dumada.

Some Issues

for your daily dose of some lovin' brothers. like the jedward twins.



the twins are already done with college. after a month, there is not a trace of them wanting to grow up and own the challenge of their situation. everyday, they will wake up at around 9-10:00 am and would wait to be asked by our maid to eat their breakfast. if they wake up early, it is because of them surfing the net or a basketball game is on.

this, has persisted for a month now.

my mom is going crazy and would transform into her normal monster-like self in a few days. no once could talk to them. not even the sharp tongue that i have could encourage them to start growing up and look for a job.

here are the issues.

1.) confidence
the youngest in our family has grown up sheltered from the harsh realities of the world in that he is uncomfortable in meeting new situations. his preconceived thoughts always triumph in preventing him to face the world. oh wait, the two of them actually. both twins are like this.

2.) nba



now i must admit that i watch nba sometimes for the sake of seeing dirk nowitzky win a championship. but my brother? his world revolves around miami heat or the lakers. f*ck it but i just don't get it! i am not like this with rafa, with the feu volleybal team and real madrid! i swear, i do not get affected with their loss to the point of losing concentration when writing reports for the service time of the emergency room or my hands shaking. or the idea of my senses lost for a moment for every defeat. i. am. not. like. that. and lastly,

3.) lazyness
i beging to question and reflect to the manner i presented myself to the twins way back after finishing my degree. all i could remember is me walking all over manila for hospitals that would accept me. even the hospitals in pampanga were not spared from my glitzy resume. but why are not they applying? i believe that i have been a good model for them. it is just that i found job after almost a year from passing the licensure exam. but you know how it is to be a nurse in this country.

the reason why i am able to blog like a mad man right now is that i am at home and the internet connection is pretty decent. then this twin comes at my door asking me to do a make over of his resume.

an opportunity to lash him out for his attitude was seen but i somehow "restrained" myself. however, i was still successful in telling him that it is because of nba that is why it is just now that he starts fixing his things.

well, some credit goes to my dad. he is at home by the way after two months from spreading some love in haiti.

i told my brother that he had all the time in the world to do it. so there, he left the room in utter shame (hope so) because i made him feel that way.

but i will do the make over tomorrow.

*photos taken here and here.

Bitch Face

i went home today in pursuit of escaping the heat of manila. pagdating ko, walang nagbago. mas mainit pa pala dito.

have you ever felt you wanted to shout to let it out your anger? yung tipong bigat ng nararamdaman mo? pero hindi mo magawa dahil sa parang useless e. o kaya yung tanggapin mo na lang yung mga sitwasyon pero nahihirapan ka dahil sa oras na ginawa mo 'to, you have lost the essence of being right?

ganito kasi yun, si daddy bago umalis papuntang haiti, malapit na niyang maclose ang isang trabaho sa new caledonia. knowing that, may mga papeles siyang kailangang ipa-authenticate sa dfa. ang catch is, hindi niya ginawa hanggang makaalis na siya papuntang haiti. nag-iwan na lang siya ng authorization letters.

so pagdating ko sa bahay ngayon, kinukulit ako na dapat ayusin ang mga papeles na yon. e last week, sinabi ko na hindi ko magagawa yun dahil ubos na ang aking leave credits sa trabaho dahil last month, nagleave ako para sa graduation ng isang kambal. akala ko malinaw na yon hanggang sa nung martes, iniwan ng isang kambal ang mga papeles sa manila.

pinepressure ako ngayon. na baka hindi matuloy sa trabaho si daddy dahil sa mga papeles na hindi niya inayos. wala ng pasok ang kambal kaya't andito sila sa pampanga. in short, bakasyon.

hindi ba pwede na sila ang gumawa? kahit hindi nila alam, pwede naman silang magtanong a! wala naman silang ginagawa dito bakit kailangan ako ang gumawa? kung sila na ang nag-ayos e di sana next week ike-claim nalang.

ayaw kong magkumpara ng sarili ko sa kanila. pero hindi ko maiwasan e. walang narinig ang mga tao dito sa bahay sa pagpapatulong mag-ayos ng papel nung ako ay umalis for egypt. i did it on my own. pera lang ang hiningi ko. hindi ba nila pwedeng gawin yon? and who knows kaya sila ginawang kambal para magtulungan diba?

tapos makakarinig lang ako ng kuwento dito sa bahay kung pano tumanggi ang isang kambal na ipagdrive ang mother sa sm kahit may order ng 12 kilos ng mangga. ang hula ko, dahil sa may nba play off kaya't ayaw umalis. pwede rin dahil sa puyat siya. papano e natutulog na lang daw ng madaling araw dahil sa kakainternet.

which makes me think na kung hindi sila inispoil at hindi binaby na dapat tumayo sila sa sariling paa, hindi sana mangyayari ito. ang bunso nga e parang walang balak maghanap ng trabaho. ang dami ko nang sinuggest na pwedeng applyan pero ni isa ay hindi sineryoso ang mga sinabi ko.

ayoko na. ayaw ko ng magpalaki ng kapatid. so sige. ako na na naman ang mali dito. bahala na kung ano ang maging tingin ng boss ko sa 'ken sa kaka-absent ko.

lagi na lang ako ang parang may kasalanan.



it must be my bitch face. now keep your calm charltoninho.

*photo taken here.

My Super Epic Fail Plan

gusto ko ng sampalin ang sarili ko nang makailang ulit para lang tumigil na ang nag-aalab kong damdamin. na sa kahit sa cellphone, nahuhuli pa rin ako.

hay buhay.

kagabi, nakatanggap ako ng text mula sa isang misteryosong numero. si jonathan pala! at may bagong number! alam na. siya ay may bagong phone na. salamat sa globe my super plan!

epic fail. isang nakakahiyang pagkabigo lang ang nangyari saken. heto at ang inapply ko na pinakamurang plan sa pinakamabaho nilang phone e hindi pa na-approve.



pero, nakakahiya nga ba? hindi rin naman siguro. sabi nga ni ken ilgunas ng the spartan student blog, hindi niya kailangan ang flashy na mga bagay. yung tipong kung ano ang uso. yung basic lang na kailangan e sapat na.

i guess hindi ko naman talaga kailangan ng bago. gumagana pa naman. natamaan lang ang ego ko siguro. i should love what i have. sana this will be the last time na maglalabas ako ng ganitong saloobin. ang babaw kasi na parang nakakahiya na.

so kung hindi approved, ok lang. 300 a month e mabigat na sa budget ko. in the mean time, sisindihan ko muna ang flashlight ng phone ko.



*photos taken here and here.

Ambisyoso

hindi ako natinag sa paghihintay ng mahigit isang oras para matawag sa counter 2. umupo ako sa tabi at nag-iisip kung tama ba ang ginagawa ko.

may iranians na walang sawa sa pagkikipag-usap sa kaibigan. may naiintidhan naman ako pero kaunti lang. mga numero lang ata sa arabic ang gets ko. may mag-iina din. pero mas mukhang sosyal ang ina kesa sa dalawang anak na babae. akala ko nga yaya nung bata yung ate niya. may lola din na napakaingay. meron ding mama na hindi makapaghintay. nagawa ko na ata ang pagpansin sa lahat ng tao sa loob ng center.

maya-maya, tinawag na ang number ko. counter 7 daw ako. nagfill-up ako ng application form. binigay ang mga requirements. ok na sana nang biglang sumulpot ang mga pagpapatunay na ako ay isang taong namumuhay pa rin sa simpleng paraan. walang billing address. walang bank statement. walang registered mail.

sa probinsya, wala rin naman kaming telepono. wala din kaming credit card. wala din mga maynilad bills na nakapangalan saken. wala pa rin din akong t.i.n number since nagtrabaho ako sa abroad at kakasimula lang sa work. sa ganitong sitwasyon, nagtuloy ito sa walang sss i.d.

plan 300 lang naman inaapply ko. tapos, ung libreng phone sa plan na yun. kung sa food chain, ang phone ko e nasa level ng mga scavengers. mga uod, langgam at kung anu ano pang nasa pinakamababang antas. hindi yung blackbery at iphone.

ninais ko lang naman na magkacamera ang phone ko at radyo. ikinahihiya ko ba ang phone ko ngayon? hindi naman. it is just time na magpalit ng phone since even ang katulong namen e naka 3G phone na.

okay lang kung hindi ma-approve ang application ko. i had many rejections in the past. kahit ngayong umaga, dumating ang officemate ko na may blackberry phone mula sa pag-aapply din ng globe postpaid plan. approved agad siya. ngumiti na lang ako at nagpasalamat na buti na lang, hindi ko pa nasasabi na nag-apply din ako ng globe plan pero i-aapprove pa within 3-5 days.

i guess, ang puwersa ng mundo ay nagsasabi na huwag akong masyadong maging ambisyoso.

Last

while japan is still in shambles, i am picking myself up with the horrible decision to let go of my self-control and professionalism.

my daily concerns focus on these things: getting up so i can jog (big failure), what to wear for work, what to eat for breakfast, bus that will give me a comfortable seat, quality circle report and ways on how to cool down from the exasperation and disgust towards my supervisor.

so now, i refuse to be affected by her. excuse me from always giving my immediate boss the space. this will be the last.

Monster's Shadow

my mom has created a monster.

her voice. her temper. her hands. they were all evident with this monster. the monster has acquired all the traits i dreaded. it is making my life hard because it frightens me on what the monster can do.

in my growing years, i have prayed for the monster to die. to stop living so i can live peacefully with people around me. but, it was difficult. it has been nourished by my mom's shouts and constant domineering ways. i hated her ways but it only fed the monster's hunger.

now, i'm shadowed by the monster. because that shadow comes from me.