Babaw

have you ever felt that you have become shallow?

i did.

it happened two weeks ago after i sent a message to one of my friends who was online.  we said hi and hello.  then i started whining about my conquest for that one great love.  of finding a caucasian to fill that need.

it was my turn to ask him how he was doing when he said something about himself.

i felt like i was slapped to wake up from becoming shallow.  here i am complaining about my luck in dating when a friend is facing a real challenge.

how often do we complain about our situation?  do we ever get to pause and think deep to realise that we are still blessed?

Mixed

june, i have mixed feelings towards you.

you were great for i had a great time back home.  i spent time with my family and friends.  i travelled to new places and experienced new things.  

you were rude to me for you made me realise that in life, nothing is permanent.  as soon as vacation ended, demands from work and from transitioning to an agency nurse to permanent staff kicked in.  moved house and until now, i am still sorting out my things.

but as you made me see it, all these things will come to pass.  this waiting for a change of assignment.  this seemingly-endless completion of requirements.

goodbye june.

JB

searching for that one person begins with you being happy and in love with your self.  i will not settle for what is available and convenient.

i am in the process of improving myself and loving my wholeness.  

Transition

it's been a month and two weeks now since i left philippines to start a new life in the united kingdom.  it has been that long that i have not really blogged anything about my life in general.

i came here in cambridge in the middle of the winter season.  i thought the temperatures at mt. pulag were the coldest but i have never really been into a place with winter season so there, yeah, welcome to u.k.  i can still recall my last days in the philippines.  i was still going through my same routine- wake up late, surf the net, eat lunch, sleep, watch t.v., help in some chores, eat dinner, jog, take a bath, surf the net and sleep late.  that summed up my life.  but by january 20, it finally dawned on me that i will be leaving for another place to live and start working again.  it finally made sense to me the need to pack my life of 20+ years in a luggage limited to 30 kgs.  

looking back, i waited eagerly for january 22.  i have been waiting for it that somehow, i missed enjoying the things that i can back home.  seriously, i miss the sun.  i can count on my fingers that number of days when the sun shone brightly.  i miss the food- the flavor and the richness of taste that we have back home.  i find the food here bland but somehow, it tends to be on the healthier side.  i miss my friends.  i miss my family.

but then, there are a lot of things to be thankful for.  it begins with the opportunity to be here and that i get to work in one big reputable medical institution.  i get to live in a more comfortable life thinking just about my work and my schooling.  patients here are generally nicer and well, more patient.  in some areas of work itself, they tend to be lighter but the nurse-patient ratio is still something that i should get used to.  back home, i was used to work with five-six patients but here, it tends to double up to ten to 11 per one nurse.

for now, i am just gonna enjoy the things that i can.  learn everything that i can. and love everything that i can.

95: Weird

kakatapos ko lang basahin ang eleanor and park ni rainbow rowell.  nagustuhan ko ito hindi gaya ng isa pa niyang akda na fangirl. 

i think nakarelate ako sa pagkakaroon ng imperfections ng mga bida.  hindi mayaman.  hindi sobrang guwapo at maganda.  hindi rin makapangyarihan.  may totoong struggles sa buhay.  may totoong problema na kinakaharap.  

naramdaman ko yung pag-iyak nila nung magpaalam sa isa't isa.  i felt that their love was at its purest form.  so much respect and so much dignity.

i've been asking nam to stop making me sad dahil sa mga kuwento niya tungkol sa isang tao na parang nasa kanya na ang lahat.  everything that i am not, andun lahat sa taong iyon.  everything that i wanted to have or do, andun din sa kanya or nagawa na niya.

i am a little bit emotional now with all that is happening to me right now.  pero, marami rin naman akong narerealize sa ngayon...  madami naman din akong nakikitang chances para baguhin ang buhay ko. 

 i'm weird like elanor and park but i am liking it now.

From Now On

Of Current Mood

kakatapos ko lang ng apat na araw na duty bilang private duty nurse.  ok naman siya.  mas magaan actually compared sa mga trabaho sa loob ng ccu.  hawak ko ang oras lalo na kung hindi naman gising ang pasyente mo.

ang itinuturing kong pinakamalaking hurdle?  ang bedbath.  lalo na kapag bedridden ang patient at hindi ganon kabibo ang buddy nurse mo o nursing aide.  at ang tulog nga pala.  medyo hirap lang dahil sunod-sunod na dose oras ang shift mo.

well-compensated ka naman sa trabahong ito.  konting p.r. sa relatives at magkakasundo kayo.  wag mo na ring problemahin ang kakainin mo.  

pero sa totoo lang, nadedepress ako.

october na ngayon.  lumipas ang birthday ko dito sa pilipinas at hindi sa bansa na kung saan ako magtatrabaho gaya nang nakasulat sa listahan ng mga dapat kong magawa.  masaya naman ako sa kaarawan ko.  really.  i had dinner with my family and i went to church.  it was simple and i felt loved.

sa trabaho ko ngayon, makailang beses ko nang narinig ang "o diba paalis ka na?"  alam ko naman na aalis ako.  may kontrata na at lahat liban sa isang importanteng dokumento na hinihintay ko.  kapag naririnig ko to, may kung anong kurot sa puso ko.

i know i should never question Him.  my mind is just so limited that i cannot fathom how His mind works but in my limited capacity, hindi ko maiwasang magtanong.  

this is just temporary.  i know things will change pero bakit nga ba ang hirap maghold on sa mga katotohanang ito?

i guess i just need to swim more to shake these off...

Historical

historical, hindi hysterical.  yup, imbes na maging hysterical ako sa nangyari, i choose to be historical.

in 2003, i transferred to feu from dlsu.  i changed my course as well.  isang 360 degrees na pagbabago.  from the school hanggang sa inaaral ko.  nahuli ako ng isang taon mula sa batch mates ko sa high school.  imbes na four years, umabot ako ng five years.  pagsapit ng 2006, lumabas ang scandal sa leakage ng nurses' licensure examination.  marami akong mga kaibigan at kaklase ang naapektuhan nito.  dahil nahuli ako ng isang taon, naligtas ako sa scandal.

in 2008, nainterview ako for a work sa egypt.  nakapasa ako along with other applicants na naging kaibigan ko din.  i know that i was among the first applicants na nakapasa.  so i waited for my departure.  april may nakaalis na unang batch.  mayo may umalis ulit.  hindi na naman ako nakasama. june at august may umalis ulit.  naiwan pa rin ako.  at sa pagkahaba-haba ng paghihintay ko, nakaalis din ako ng september nung taon na iyon.   inayawan ako ang magtrabaho sa medical city at that time since i signed the contract for egypt when the offer came.  yes there were doubts.  probably regrets din.  pero by the time na nakarating kami ng egypt, we had a choice where to be assigned.  and so na-assign ako sa critical care unit. it was the best start for my nursing career.  intensive care unit agad and i had to practice it in a very different and difficult setting.  siguro kung napa-aga ako, baka na-assign ako sa general unit.  okay lang naman pero it was better at the critical care.

in 2009, nagtry ako sa u.k. after kong mag-egypt.  nakapasa na ako sa interview.  may visa na.  ticket na lang ang ipapabook kapag lumabas na ang decision letter ko na okay na ako para mag bridging program.  biglang hiningi ang registration details ko sa egypt which hindi ko naibigay dahil sa baluktot na pamumuno.  naiwanan ako for u.k. and i was back to zero.  five years na ang mga kasama ko sa application noon.

in 2010, i was working as a quality analyst.  wala sa bedside.  i was doing work outside of nursing.  after a year, nag-apply ako sa libya.  bedside nurse ako dun.  intensive care unit din.  nakapasa na ako sa interview na pinilahan ko for 10 hours.  tiniyaga ko yun.  pumasa na rin ako sa medical exam at nakapag-process ng papers.  two weeks before my payment for the placement fee, sumabog ang giyera sa libya.  hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tapos ang gulo.

ngayong 2014, sumubok ulit ako na mag-apply na maka-abroad.  reference letter naman ang problema ko.  dahil dito, nahuli na naman ako.  flight kanina ng mga kasama ko dapat papuntang u.k.  hindi muna ako nagbukas ng facebook.  aaminin ko, nasasaktan ako.  lalu na at nag-eexpect ako na magbibirthday doon pero hindi na naman tuloy. 

nag-apply ako kaninang magprivate duty nurse nang malibang at may pagkakitaan.  makakapagswimming din ako kung nagkataon.  nilibang ko ang sarili ko.  kahapon, nanood ako ng sine, yung the maze runner na nabasa ko na.  tinapos ko din ang if i stay.  at heto, nagsisimulang mag-aral sa pamamagitan ng youtube.

naisip ko, ang dami ng pagkakataon na yung mga delay at aberya ko, they all resulted into something better.  kung hindi man ako nailigtas sa giyera, scandal o sa pangit na lugar, alam ko na may dahilan lahat and this is not me rationalizing the events that happened.  nagpapakatotoo lang at nagpapakahistorical.

Lessons from a PM Shift

tonight i will be on a night shift followed by a rest day then a morning shift.  so yeah, my rest day will be spent on the bed sleeping. but no, i will go home and enjoy my day.  as i have written here, i will spend more time with my family in any way i can.

two days ago, we admitted a patient in our unit.  upon admission, her condition was not stable and so after just more than an hour, she died.  while doing post-mortem care, her daughter told me that she should not have left her mom in her last hour.  she told me her mother was afraid to die and that she never wanted to be left behind.

i did what i had to do and told her that her mere presence here is enough.  then silence.

you see, i sometimes dread going home because of some issues with my family- finances, relatives and anything under the sun.  but growing old, i believe that no one can replace them.

so yeah, spend time with your loved ones anytime you can and always keep in mind that our days our numbered.

All of Me

Today, three people led me to greater realizations. You see, I have avoided standing out academically and professionally. It felt like all I wanted was to cruise my way to what I perceive are my goals. I wanted to be invisible. Somehow ordinary.

But the way I see things now, that desire has brought self-loathing for not maximizing my potentials. If I get unnoticed, it feels like I have something to prove to other people. 

And after all these years, I know that I should start giving all my best. 

Fun

okay, i was kidding.

i had to post now or it will take a lot of energy to fight off my laziness.  so yeah, i have been traveling here and there.  now let me show you where i went last april 26.  again, i was with people from work- new and old colleagues.  batangas was the place and it was the first time i had party under the sun.  one word: fun!

Coming Back

where do i start?

i could start with my trip to calaguas and how i got to meet new friends.  the beautiful island was not embarrassed to show its beauty.  my eyes could not stop staring at its beauty.  the sun was just highlighting the scenic shots that i had on my phone.  case in point, these:

 

 

these friends that i met treated me like their own.  got drunk with them and laughed so hard that i asked myself when was the last time i had so much fun like that .

i could also start with the unit outing to potipot island in zambales.  except for the food poisoning from indulging into too much food, it was a blast.  the laughters, the bonfire night and the trip to this island:

 

well i guess you have an idea now what kept me silent from this blog.  i still have to talk about my trip to batangas and pulag.  

this post will do for now.

My Captain

The past weeks, I have been listening to some podcasts.  As I run, I listen to preachings.  This picture reminded me of a podcast about faith as exemplified by Jesus calming the storm in a lake.  I took this photo after trekking the mountain nearby.  It looks so calm.  So serene.  But having experienced the boat ride going to the island, I knew it is not always this peaceful.  There will be waves.  There will be splashes of water.  It will hurt your eyes.  It will make you scared.

Remembering His goodness and faithfulness, I had peace.  I hope that as I go through life, I will have that peace.  As my Captain, I give You my life.  I entrust my future, my dreams, my hopes and my life.

Lord, You remind me of where I am, what I am, what I need to be and who You are!

Thank you Lord!

Telemetry Forever

i just feel sad. today, my original unit has been formally closed for operation. even though i was transferred to the coronary care unit, it is just sad to know that your original home is not there anymore.

to this, i would like to thank my unit for accepting me. for being kind to me for the past one year and three months that we were together. i never had a code blue or an icu transfer. you have led me to the people that i needed the most both professionally and as a person. you gave me the kindest preceptor and introduced me to my Besties. i was given the lessons of patience, of time management, of self-denial, of knowing when to fight and of knowing when to believe in the beauty of life.

thank you, Telemetry. you have forever changed me...

In the Middle

in the middle of harsh temperatures, lack of good soil and too much sun, this flower caught my attention while going down from the peak of mt. sinai.

i was reminded that i can still grow.  i can still be alive.  even when the circumstances around me tell me otherwise.

Besties

i just miss them...i just miss us...

In Love

read from a facebook wall (jb's):

"Performance artists Marina Abramovic and Ulay met in 1976 and began an intense love story that resulted in a decade of influential collaborative works. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to break up at the Great Wall of China, where both artists walked from opposite ends, met in the middle for one last hug, and said goodbye.

From March 14 to May 31, 2010, the Museum of Modern Art mounted a major retrospective and performance recreation of Abramović’s work. During its run, Abramović performed The Artist is Present—a 736-hour and 30-minute static, silent piece, where she sat immobile in the museum’s atrium. Visitors were encouraged to sit silently across from the artist and become participants in the artwork. Without her knowing, Ulay had come to sit in front of her."

Watch what happens.



why this video? wala lang. i just had my first break up. ganun lang. walang drama. walang regrets. walang lungkot. exactly what the relationship was all about: wala lang. benj says im not being fair to the person. dahil may pinaghuhugutan? yes. to think it happened to him, dapat man lang sana i cared for the feelings of the person.

pero hindi.

kumain ako nang madami. natulog. naginternet at nagtry gumawa ng school work kahit malapit na ang dead na deadline. kumunsulta sa isang mentor sa mga bagay tungkol sa career. siya? tumawag siya. hindi ko sinagot ang unang dalawang tawag. sa ikatlong tawag, career pa rin ang bukambibig ko.

i was unfair. and yes, i am still in love with myself.

First Day High

today, i spent my first day with the new unit i will be assigned to for the next two weeks.

it felt like starting all over again trying to win the respect of the people that i will be working with. except for the old patient that we usually have in my old unit, all of the people are new to me. even the medicine residents.

i miss them already.

2012 Part 1

new work. new friends. new environment. new challenges.

Reunited

the past few days were rough. they had me questioning my intent to stay at my current work.

whenever i think of quitting, i think of them- sheila and mark. they endured the two years of working in egypt while i did not.

as they continue their own lives, i think of them- their perseverance and the times they almost quit but pressed on.