Sup?

a year after my move, it felt na wala pa ring nagbago.

single.  sumasakto ang sahod.  overweight. procrastinator.  and now, depressed.

clinically, nadiagnose ko ang sarili ko.  lagi na lang tulog at lagi nalang pinapagod ang isip ng kung anu anong mga application sa phone.  the weather does not help too.  i feel like i am stuck again.

so what's new?  

Tamad

for someone who thought has figured out his life, i thought everything was in accordance to my plan.  hindi pala.  things happen.  

you wanted change and it happened.  suddenly, you felt like that change has put you into an unfamiliar territory.  hindi yata ako nakapaghanda sa mga pagbabago.  i think i am depressed clinically.

nawalan ako ng motivation.  sa buhay, sa career, sa fitness at sa buhay pag-ibig.  i could not be bothered to clean my room.  or ayusin man lang ang mga documents.  hindi ko rin maituloy ang pagbabasa ng mga books about nursing.

i stopped my gym membership.  masyadong magastos.  i have not been into a date.  like in ages.  pumapalya pa ang pagyoyoga.  alam kong tapos na ang quarter life crisis ko pero ang aga naman ata ng midlfe crisis.

eto pa, nagbirthday ako two weeks ago.  i was working.  so walang formal celebration.  kumain lang tapos yun na.   what a contrast from a year ago when i had friends coming for my party.  this year wala.

but i am hoping this will all change soon.  so i am making this post dahil masyado nang matagal na wala akong post.

will try to write more...

2016

happy new year!

i am writing this post in my bed after celebrating new year's eve in london last night and watching the new  year's parade in regent street this morning.  tired and exhausted, it was all worth it.  

2015 has gone by so fast and in trying to establish my new life here in cambridge, i only managed to write few blog posts here.  ang daming dapat ilook back at ipagpasalamat sa nakaraang taon.  moved here.  got my license.  met new friends.  been to really beautiful places.  started going to the gym and eating healthy (though i am off from it since last week).  madami pa.  there were a lot of changes and to say i am blessed is an understatement.

this year, madami akong dreams.  maraming goals na gustong ma-achieve.  maraming changes na gustong gawin.  eto sila:

-eat healthy

-continue going to the gym

-practice yoga six days a week

-save money!

-pay debts

-set up emergency fund

-travel more 

-chat/ call more family

-smile a lot

-avoid talking about people

-never demean myself

-avoid whining

-control reactions to situations

-always see the perspective of other people

-clean room as often as i can

-never pile up dirty laundry

-never pile up rubbish

-avoid impulsive buying

-give back to people

-plan and plan and plan

-read thirty books

-write more often

i hope magawa ko sila. welcome 2016! :-)

79: Last Duty

Last duty ko ngayong gabi.  After nine nights, matatapos na to.  As a nurse, there is nothing more fulfilling seeing your patient recover fully.

Knowing that you played a part in his healing, all of the hard work, frustrations and sleep deprivation e nawawala.

Hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin sa off ko.  Sleep is one.  Pamasahe din siguro ng katawan.  Maybe I will swim kapag may time. 

For now, I will just enjoy everything.

83: Panda

Ilang araw nalang, isang panda na ang magiging kamukha kk.  Sa mga dark circles around my eyes, magiging madali para ma-achieve ko ito.

Ang hirap kumita ng pera.

92: Letter to Self on a Friday Night

hey!  it's friday night and here you are at a computer shop watching youtube videos of bulldogs, volleyball matches and episodes of the voice usa.  

first, do not be sad for being alone.  you are not lonely.  those two words are different.  you probably know this fact by this time.  i like that you give more value to yourself and that you do not tie it to other people or to things.  yes it can be really lonely at times but the fact that you are trying to enjoy yourself leads to a better you and hopefully, to meeting someone.

second, take time to enjoy things while you can and you have the ability to do so.  like what you did when you craved for a burrito and you walked from legarda to dapitan just to have it.  or when you just had to read from your ebook reader for three hours because you are really having a great time.  even when you had 50 pesos on your wallet, you still made ways to enjoy and not wallow in self-pity.

third, there is no use for you to regret.  learn from every mistake.  rise up from every challenge.  take a 360-degree view of the situation even when you can't knowing that God will provide it to you later.  always move forward and never forget the lessons from the past.

fourth, stop demeaning yourself.  you are good.  even better for some people's standards.  NEVER FORGET THIS.  give yourself some privilege to believe in your goodness and your ability to achieve.  stop covering your talents and what you can do.  do not be afraid to take responsibilities because of these things.  these are ways that will make you a better person.  accept your true self and then you can finally soar.

fifth, learn to appreciate.  thank other people and appreciate them when they give you compliments.  open your eyes to the goodness of other people.  believe in the goodness of other people but know your limits.  thank other people for the help given to you and thank your friends.

lastly, take care of your self.  i really like that you are still swimming whenever you can.  be happy that you can now complete 1000 meters in a span of one hour and 30 minutes.  that is a great achievement for you since you started swimming last september.  you just have to keep working on your form and your stroke.  but hey, you will get there.  also, i like that you religiously run whenever you are in pampanga and you cannot swim.  i like that you are paying more attention to you diet and that you like to move more by walking whenever you can.  i like that you give attention to you skin and hair.  swimming can bring damage to these parts of your body and these are usually noticed immediately by people.  

i love that you are giving more time to yourself- to enjoy life, to improve, to be healthy and just to be better at anything and everything.  so hey, do not be sad that you are alone on a friday night.  things will get better for you soon.  you just have to be ready...

Historical

historical, hindi hysterical.  yup, imbes na maging hysterical ako sa nangyari, i choose to be historical.

in 2003, i transferred to feu from dlsu.  i changed my course as well.  isang 360 degrees na pagbabago.  from the school hanggang sa inaaral ko.  nahuli ako ng isang taon mula sa batch mates ko sa high school.  imbes na four years, umabot ako ng five years.  pagsapit ng 2006, lumabas ang scandal sa leakage ng nurses' licensure examination.  marami akong mga kaibigan at kaklase ang naapektuhan nito.  dahil nahuli ako ng isang taon, naligtas ako sa scandal.

in 2008, nainterview ako for a work sa egypt.  nakapasa ako along with other applicants na naging kaibigan ko din.  i know that i was among the first applicants na nakapasa.  so i waited for my departure.  april may nakaalis na unang batch.  mayo may umalis ulit.  hindi na naman ako nakasama. june at august may umalis ulit.  naiwan pa rin ako.  at sa pagkahaba-haba ng paghihintay ko, nakaalis din ako ng september nung taon na iyon.   inayawan ako ang magtrabaho sa medical city at that time since i signed the contract for egypt when the offer came.  yes there were doubts.  probably regrets din.  pero by the time na nakarating kami ng egypt, we had a choice where to be assigned.  and so na-assign ako sa critical care unit. it was the best start for my nursing career.  intensive care unit agad and i had to practice it in a very different and difficult setting.  siguro kung napa-aga ako, baka na-assign ako sa general unit.  okay lang naman pero it was better at the critical care.

in 2009, nagtry ako sa u.k. after kong mag-egypt.  nakapasa na ako sa interview.  may visa na.  ticket na lang ang ipapabook kapag lumabas na ang decision letter ko na okay na ako para mag bridging program.  biglang hiningi ang registration details ko sa egypt which hindi ko naibigay dahil sa baluktot na pamumuno.  naiwanan ako for u.k. and i was back to zero.  five years na ang mga kasama ko sa application noon.

in 2010, i was working as a quality analyst.  wala sa bedside.  i was doing work outside of nursing.  after a year, nag-apply ako sa libya.  bedside nurse ako dun.  intensive care unit din.  nakapasa na ako sa interview na pinilahan ko for 10 hours.  tiniyaga ko yun.  pumasa na rin ako sa medical exam at nakapag-process ng papers.  two weeks before my payment for the placement fee, sumabog ang giyera sa libya.  hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tapos ang gulo.

ngayong 2014, sumubok ulit ako na mag-apply na maka-abroad.  reference letter naman ang problema ko.  dahil dito, nahuli na naman ako.  flight kanina ng mga kasama ko dapat papuntang u.k.  hindi muna ako nagbukas ng facebook.  aaminin ko, nasasaktan ako.  lalu na at nag-eexpect ako na magbibirthday doon pero hindi na naman tuloy. 

nag-apply ako kaninang magprivate duty nurse nang malibang at may pagkakitaan.  makakapagswimming din ako kung nagkataon.  nilibang ko ang sarili ko.  kahapon, nanood ako ng sine, yung the maze runner na nabasa ko na.  tinapos ko din ang if i stay.  at heto, nagsisimulang mag-aral sa pamamagitan ng youtube.

naisip ko, ang dami ng pagkakataon na yung mga delay at aberya ko, they all resulted into something better.  kung hindi man ako nailigtas sa giyera, scandal o sa pangit na lugar, alam ko na may dahilan lahat and this is not me rationalizing the events that happened.  nagpapakatotoo lang at nagpapakahistorical.

Short

hindi ako aabot.  hindi rin ako aalis this month.  there, i said it.

thanks to ryan, i got the one thing that i need right now- the painful dose of reality that i will not celebrate my birthday in another country  and for that, i feel for my parents.  again.  i feel like their hopes are being crushed again and again sa mga paasang pangyayari sa buhay ko.

i know hindi naman final to as compared dun sa nangyari sakin before.  it can be solved.  it is just that nagmamadali siguro ako and that i'd like to take these matters in my own time frame.  medyo excited siguro to experience new things but the timing is not right pa.   

i'll wait.  i will grab the chance to learn new things.  i'll continue swimming.  i'll probably work as a reliever for private duty nurses so i will still have an income.  then, i might travel to a new place kapag may konting naipon but i will definitely enjoy my birthday here...

Baliwag Festival

hi!

wala pa ring update sa hinihintay ko and my mind is starting to think like a mentally-ill patient would do.  natatakot.  nangangamba.  pano nga ba gagawin ko nito?

sa paglagi ko sa bahay,  tumaba ako.  after swimming for two straight weeks, mukhang mawawala ata lahat yung pinagpaguran ko.  so kanina, i started to run.  it felt like i am running away from my current situation.  parang gusto ko lang makawala at wag munang isipin kung ano naghihintay saken.  i felt relieved for that more or less one hour of physical activity.  there was nothing on my mind but to run and work my ass off.  same with the things that are scrambled on my room.  andyan pa rin yung mga gamit sa manila.  sobrang gulo lang ng room ko.  a part in me says that i have to finish cleaning the room in preparation ko sa pag-alis sa sept. 18 but the other part tells me to be realistic.  na baka hindi naman ako makasama so might as well put it off muna to free my mind from that nagging thought.

naisip ko, nagiging cycle na lang ang career ko.  mababakante pagkatapos makakahanap ng trabaho.  magtatrabaho nang saglit at aalis para makapagtrabaho sa mas magandang posisyon.  mag-aapply at siyempre,  laging magkakaroon ng aberya.  can somebody just make my applications easier?  sa totoo lang naiinis na ko.  lagi na lang ganito.  my family just want a simple life.  comfortable.  healthy.  debt-free and worry-free.  ganun lang naman.  hindi na kami nangangarap ng magandang kotse.  basta gumagana lang.  enough finances to buy healthy foods, vitamins and supplements to my aging parents and some extra to have candy her well-deserved grooming.

tsaka na yung mga out-of-town trips at bakasyon.  okay medyo bad vibes ako this monday.  sorry.  hindi maiwasan.  bukas, dead na deadine na talaga.  waahhhh!
 

Of Fears and Control

This is me at Mt. Pulag last May. You see, I have this fear of heights.  Aside from my fear of snakes and frogs pati pala large bodies of water.  Yung tipong puro tubig lang makikita mo. But yes, umaakyat ako ng bundok.  Mahilig din akong magpunta ng beach at magbabad sa tubig.  Like this:

Ang labo diba?

Bukas hanggang Martes, I will wait for something that is going to change my life. Nagresign na ako sa work ko to make an upgrade sa career.  Until now, naghihintay pa rin ako for my decision letter na pwede na akong magbridging program sa pupuntahan ko.  If lumabas na yung decision by Tuesday or bukas, makaka-alis na ako sa Sept. 18. If not, malamang sa november na. 

Sa mga ganitong bagay, lagi na lang may aberya.  Lagi na lang akong may ginagawang extra para lang matupad ang mga pangarap ko.  I never had the easy route sa alin mang endeavor ko sa buhay.  Madalas, gusto kong magtanong kung bakit.  Why does it has to be this way? Why does it feels like someone is trying to make me not achieve my dreams?  Bakit kailangang maghirap muna.

Well, hindi ko pa rin alam ang mga sagot but there is only one thing na natutunan ko sa pagpunta sa mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko.  Sa mga bundok na inakyat ko o sa dagat na nilangoy ko, God's creations show beauty and order. They reflect that my Lord has control over all things.  Even ang pagdating ng decision letter ko.

I guess my fears are lesser than my desire to witness His greatness.  

Plateau

okay.

i am doing this- blogging.  for some reason, my energy has been low.  motivation almost non-existent.  it is as if my life is on a standstill.  no, probably on a plateau.  i know what i want but somehow, i do not do anything to get it.  there is no excitement.  there is no thrill.  could it be my hormones?  or, my lack of actual personal relationships?

recently, i have tried tinder.  initially, i just wanted to try what my friends are telling me.  but i am liking it now.  one question from a match at the application asked me what i was doing before venturing to tinder and not dating.

gosh.

i could not think of any.  this just proved how boring my life is.  boring in the sense that it is steady.  not much of a roller coaster ride.  i believe there will be a time that things will change.  somebody will come to my life and make a full turn of what i am and what i am doing right now.

thinking of an answer, my life revolves on career and studies.  but now that nothing seems to matter to me, i would like excitement.  for something to make me wake up in the morning full of zest and do amazing things.

i hope this could be the start.

When Pulag Chose Me

at the start of the year, i decided to accomplish some things.

that includes being able to go to three new places.  by may, i was able to see four new places and it includes mt. pulag or as they say the "mountain of the gods."  

i do not earn a lot and to go to these places was a struggle that until now i am facing.  well, i exceeded my budget because of these:

yup, i have reached the highest peak in the island of luzon.  was i scared?  hell yeah!  i thought i was gonna die of fatigue yet we were still at the ranger station and have not started the actual trek yet.  we are not yet talking about the six-hour bus ride from manila to baguio and the four-hour ride from baguio to the jump off site.  

at the beginning, i told myself that i'll bring my things with me during the climb and that i will not hire a porter. but after a twenty-minute "walk" from the ranger station to the jump-off site, i definitely told myself that i badly needed a porter so i can truly enjoy the climb.

i was prepared to join other groups as i registered by myself with a travelling agency.  lo and behold, i met these workmates at the bus station and was totally surprised that we were on the same trip!  yay for friends!

did it rain?  totally.  slept with a wet and cold blanket as the moisture from the rain got inside of our tent. literally felt like a "basang sisiw."  i shivered and was tired from the trip but i was prepared for these things.

this is my prize for reaching the top and working my fat ass.  just beautiful.

in the past, i have told myself to never climb mountains.  i have fear of heights and honestly, i am not that physically fit.  i am lazy and i like eating double rice.  but after reaching the top and see the beauty of God's creation, i begin planning again my next climb.

of all climbs that i did in the past, this has to be the most challenging.  yet, it was also the most beautiful that i had.  i had to endure travelling with a 12-kilo bag that i thought i could manage to bring it with me at the top but realized early on that i could not.  i had to slip a number of times in the muddy paths and had to stop to breathe.  there were times that i could not feel my legs anymore and there were those times also that the cramps that i had made my eyes sweat.

however, i relished on every moment of the climb.  there were no regrets for sure as i  i felt the sacredness of the climb and of my intentions that i will keep to myself.  i never felt more human and more capable.  

thank you for choosing me pulag!

Pulag

been opening my blogger account since yesterday.  i had some spurts of ideas of what to write and what not. so here, i will start with this:

June

hi june.

you have been so good so far.  a surprise off today.  a dinner courtesy of a patient's relative.  a favorable weather.  then, the hillsong concert on the thirteenth.  my tita and dad's birthday.

as i look back of the past five months, i think i am making progress of the things that i want to achieve this year.  except for the weight and the rare times that i get my fat ass work.  for now, i am trying my best to be positive.  and active.

i hope you' ll be good.

My Captain

The past weeks, I have been listening to some podcasts.  As I run, I listen to preachings.  This picture reminded me of a podcast about faith as exemplified by Jesus calming the storm in a lake.  I took this photo after trekking the mountain nearby.  It looks so calm.  So serene.  But having experienced the boat ride going to the island, I knew it is not always this peaceful.  There will be waves.  There will be splashes of water.  It will hurt your eyes.  It will make you scared.

Remembering His goodness and faithfulness, I had peace.  I hope that as I go through life, I will have that peace.  As my Captain, I give You my life.  I entrust my future, my dreams, my hopes and my life.

Lord, You remind me of where I am, what I am, what I need to be and who You are!

Thank you Lord!

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

there are moments in your life when you have to decide on things even if they will put you in uncomfortable places.  there will be risks.  there will also be disappointments.  however, have you ever thought what if none of those risks will happen?  or those disappointments will never come to life? luckily, i decided that i have to go on with the things that i have planned.  even if i will have to go to a new place alone, again.  you know what, it is the best thing that has happened to me this year!

as i write this, i just got back this 2am from calaguas island in camarines norte after travelling for 2 hours by boat and another 8 hours by van.  the boat rides were one of the longest and wildest that i had in my entire life.  in addition, the travel by van has prevented me from sleeping since the roads leading to calaguas were literally like the intestines of a chicken.  hence, the name "bitukang manok."

but as they say, you really have to work hard to be able to achieve greater things in life.  as for the trip, it was all worth it.  here, take a look:

Life List Update 2

1. learn how to swim 
• my instructor just gave up on me.  will find another one soon!  i will jog for now.
2. save
• struggling...  will double my efforts after my vacation leave...
3. travel to 3 new places
• two more to go!  will cross out another one as i will travel to a new one later today.   yay!
4. reach ideal body weight and maintain it thereafter
• done with my annual physical exam and it showed that my BMI is pre-obese.  but hey, i am doing something now.
5. be an expert in ecg reading
• uhmm, still struggling.  i need more time and devotion to it.
6. celebrate my birthday in a different country where i will live
• i have few more months for this...
7. sleep 7-8 hours/ day
• always!  yay!
8. write
• i am trying...
9. read 10 books (at least)

• i have read my third book for this year- the giver.
• more books to read.
10. be the person who i want to meet
11. meet my life partner
12. watch a concert
• will do in june!  yay!
  
13. whine no more
14. expect less
15. talk to friends regularly
16. smile a lot
17. go home with the family with every chance that i have
18. clean the room regularly
19. throw the thrash
20. practice yoga.  or just sun salutations at least

• thanks to simply yoga i can proudly say that my warrior pose is almost perfect hehe.

Seeing Beauty

after not blogging for the longest time, i just don't know how to blog. i mean, where and how do i start? it has been weeks since the last time i have posted here but hey, i will just start.

so this is me trying to blog again. after all, i told Ryan that he should be blogging again. it i just proper that i blog again as well.

work

i really wanted to leave my job and be somewhere else. the compensation and the possibilities that i can have in a different work make me salivate in excitement. but the thing is, i can only hope and pray that the process for its realization be completed in an instant. so i will wait. i will focus my efforts on the things that i can improve on myself. especially, knowledge and skills relating to work. i am trying to enjoy whatever i can.

and Ryan, thank you for the call. it was the call that started it.

health

for two weeks now, i have been jogging. in our lawn and in a nearby sports track. i run very slow but i enjoy the process while listening to a podcast. i always feel great and accomplished. i started doing yoga as well. though not perfect, i like the feeling of doing stretches. i still have to check on my diet though. for now, i believe this is one investment that i can and that i should make.  swimming will just resume in a few months.

relationships

no more besties? i do not know. one thing is for sure, i have made the effort to reach out and to be with them but to no avail. distance even just a few floors from where you work plus the crazy work load can kill friendship.

well, i have to consider that their love life is pretty much solid that i must take the back seat now. thanks to my other colleagues from my original unit, i can be with them. we jog and we eat together. what is more amazing is that we all desire to live in a healthy and positive way.

in a somewhat futuristic approach of seeing things, i enjoy going home to our province more than ever before. i believe that i will truly miss this if ever God allows me again to work overseas in the coming months (wishing, praying and hoping). somehow, we have reached a certain level of maturity that everyone is just accepting our differences.

my life may not be perfect but i see the beauty in it.

2014 Life List

most of the items i listed during my birthday this year are still, well, on the list.  i might as well include them for my list for the new year.

1. learn how to swim (ongoing lessons, yay!)
2. save
3. travel to 3 new places
4. reach ideal body weight and maintain it thereafter
5. be an expert in ecg reading
6. celebrate my birthday in a different country where i will live
7. sleep 7-8 hours/ day
8. write
9. read 10 books (at least)
10. be the person who i want to meet
11. meet my life partner
12. watch a concert
13. whine no more
14. expect less
15. talk to friends regularly
16. smile a lot
17. go home with the family with every chance that i have
18. clean the room regularly
19. throw the thrash
20. practice yoga.  or just sun salutations at least

that's all.

2-0-1-3

and now, for the highs of this year!

• boracay trip with benj, rina and gen- thanks to the generosity of my friends and aunts, i was able to visit this beautiful island.  

• lateral transfer to the coronary care unit- with five months and running at this special area, i got to learn a lot of things and of life in general.

• got the required band score for IELTS!
• new friends at cvu3- the closure of our original unit led to meeting new friends.
  
  
  
  
• telemetry outing- this was only possible because our unit was closed premanently.  still, good things happen out of sad circumstances.
  
  
  
  
  
• family- we are complete for the holidays! my sister is engaged, paulo is now working and we are just thankful to the Lord.
  
  
  
  

thank you, 2013!