Three Cups

f.y.i., i have been eating a lot. like 3 cups of rice per meal.

thing is, i have stopped growing. partly due to the activities that somehow destroy the calories i take. not to mention, the stress and irritation i get on a daily basis.

this is my life now.

Worse

by monday, i should be done with my assignment.

i guess this is the part of me where rian is very evident. procrastinating. rushing. cramming. but, can you blame us? the urgency of having to produce something out of nothing is enough to keep me writing all day long.

which leads me to my work.

i could have finished my audit report today but instead, i surfed and surfed the net for needless information and addiction. it stems from the belief that i still have tomorrow and friday.

this is getting worse.

Addict

magdadalawang linggo na akong addict.

ang tinitira ko? pintura at rugby. pagpasok palang sa opisina, high na agad ako. sa magtatatlong linggo sa paggawa ng aming opisina, bangag ako sa amoy ng pintura.

hindi na nga ako makapag-isip nang matino sa amoy, dumadagdag pa ang pukpok ng martilyo at mga kantiyawan ng mga trabahador sa plywood na humihiwalay sa aming opisina at magiging extension nito.



now, bakit ginugutom pa rin ako sa trabaho? dapat busog na ako sa amoy...

Showy

i am using two nokia phones. the ones with the flashlight. it is very light. easy to use. handy and no complications. they also serve as my ever reliable alarm clock when my urge to urinate at 6 am fails. there is no camera in each phone. no radio. no capability to hold an mp3 file. there is also no access to internet.

this is the mobile phone at its most basic form. and i am loving these two phones that i do not plan to change model. but, yeah. that would be unrealistic since i cannot even afford to eat at jollibee for 3 months now.

in my work, i am not a regular staff nurse. i am involved in quality management specifically on the nursing side. sometimes, even the linens. i do a lot of studies-time and motion. i gather and collate them to make monthly reports. it may be light sometimes but as in every work, nothing is easy.

now pardon me for not having any masteral degree. or even enrolled in a program at the moment. due to a series of events, i worked in egypt and ended up here in my present job. there were a lot of breaks but most of them were not just for me. however, i plan to get one.

so there is no need for people to emphasize my current state.

i may be using the simplest nokia model at the market right now but they serve me right. i cannot complain. i do not base my status on the latest mobile phone units.

i may not be working as a nurse right now but i have a working experience that you will never imagine to have if you are working in your current work place. besides, not many nurses are given the chance to work in quality management.

i may not hold a masters degree but i sure do know the nursing process. as an FEU Tamarraw Nurse, we are trained to utilize the nursing process. you can never graduate unless you fully know by heart the steps.

this is it. this is the last time i will ever give a damn to those people who try to belittle me.

i am not showy but i am not dumb.

Single

solitude. the reward for being different. the penalty for being different.

Bonus

antok. tinatamad.

after the last night's party, everyone's feeling like that. and to top it all, ang bonus for christmas ay mukhang magiging bonus for new year.

hello?? after christmas? ang gastos kaya e concentrated before christmas.

hay ewan nalang talaga sa management ng ospital.

but i had fun last night. though major disappointment ang food. natuwa lang ako sa mga dance number.

somehow, i felt i belonged to a large family. something i never experienced in egypt. it was nice. it was fun.

so i guess, this year ain't so cruel after all.

Better

at this very moment, i feel like stopping the world from spinning so i can just free myself from life's detours.

i am sensitive. but i try not to overdo it. i just wish i can do something. to hear the problems that befall on us, worthless is what i feel.

now i know that my faith tells me that i should hold on to God's promise. to stop and remember that He never fails. i hope i can do it.

when you are challenged financially, it seems that your world is being narrowed. what seems to be important was never really significant.

malling becomes a physical activity. clothes are really just for protection. for cover. phones are really for sending and receiving text messages. food is what is served in the house.

i was telling benj that in my two-month stay with my current job, i have not really bought anything that i can consider as a luxury. it is a good thing though since times are hard for the family. i am not complaining; i am just stating a fact.

a column in the newspaper today mentioned about letting God do His thing. our human mind fails extensively in that what we think is good for us should happen in our own expectations. truly, i have never doubted my existence as a human being.

i am saying goodbye to october in hopes that by few minutes from now, i can peacefully sleep with confidence that tomorrow will be a better day.

Flavor of the Month

forget about the oracle. or the consequences of my actions. kasi naman, parang lagi na lang may mali. or lagi na lang akong isang malaking disappointment sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

the appreciation of people around me matters most pero only the people who really know me are capable of seeing the beauty in me. it sucks pero yun ang totoo. it is not a problem anymore because it was there since my mind taught me to lick my own wounds. mahirap pero no choice.

i have a co-worker na parang worst pa sa mom ko. can't really tell pero nakaranas siyang masampal in public. nagtataka kasi ako dahil parang wala siyang hang ups sa mom niya. she can joke around and still be the best with relationships. parang no damage was done to her. well, dahil siguro mayaman sila and they were well-provided by both parents. so i am stopping now from thinking kung bakit ako hindi ganon.

sobrang nadedepress lang ako these past few days. sa work, medyo sensitive lang ako sa supervisor ko. imagine creating metrics and audit tools without consulting us? kahit inputs man lang kasi ako naman talaga ang babad sa area. tas im sick pa with colds so i was a bit sensitive and all.

pagdating naman sa bahay, i was fighting the urge to buy food instead of cooking my own. kakapagod kasi. ihahanda mo na at lulutuin, ikaw pa ang maghuhugas. it felt like every thing i had to do was a struggle.

wala man lang kasing inspiration. or some drive that what i am doing is the right thing and will lead me to my success. pwede rin sana ng isang mahiwagang panaginip na pwede kong subaybayan ang misteryo sa buhay ko. wala talaga.

in short, wasak.

i am glad october is nearly over. i hope my woes will go with the month.

Acceptance

as the jeepney hurried its way to divisoria, she caught the driver's attention. it was rainy. and dark. but her figure was not hard to miss.

in an instant, the driver gave her the respect by stopping. we waited. i and the other passengers in the jeepney. we had to since the driver was desperate for her. the two old ladies on my side barely moved to give space for the special passenger.

her feet were sandaled by a purple design which had to be really not comfortable for rain. mud will eventually find its places. but, she didn't mind. the purple sandals were not enough as her blouse decided it was just fitting to be in the same shade. hair rebonded and fingernail all polished in blue with flower details in the center. her teeth were shining from the wires of the braces. her cheeks were powdered with pink substance that made her face appear pinkish under the yellow light from the not earth-friendly bulb.

even if it was raining, it was still hot. and humid. but, she didn't care as she gently tossed her hair back to the sides while she had to send text messages to an unknown receiver. she reached to her purse and took a 20-peso bill. i estimated that it was around at 4 decibels when she said that the money was for one passenger, that was obviously her. she rapidly decided that sending text messages was more important than getting her change as manong driver had to repeat the question as to how many passengers will be paid with the 20-peso.

no one from the jeepney answered for her. in the sheer silence of the travel, manong driver had to ask again. this time, he did not fail. she then decided to utter some inaudible words since she thought it was too loud to speak at above 4 decibels. sensing it was not working, she used some hand gestures all in her delight to display her polished nails.

at last, the communication was successful! she was then back again in the comfort of her mobile phone. evidently, she was oblivious to the fact that she was inviting harm to her end as robbers were plenty in that area. honestly, i wished for her to be robbed. for her mobile phone to be snatched but that would endanger me as well.

the message was sent successfully as now, she was surprised that she almost missed her destination! she instantly informed the driver that she would be getting down from the jeepney but you guessed it! it was meant for no one to hear her request.

so i laughed in a simple and covert manner with the devilish details as she had to walk a few steps towards her destination. the two old ladies had to remark that she was really "MAARTE."

i could only nod in agreement.

girl, your being MAARTE and Pa-Cute won't make you any prettier. even the make-up and braces won't lift your place from the abyss of being worthless to the surface of beauty.

accept it!