In a Rut

for two weeks now, i have been struggling to practice yoga.  it seems that i can only practice it when i am at the shala.

same with working out at the gym.  it is only when i have a session with sam that i can finish a full work out.

stress?  could be.  from looking for a house to move in before june, to fixing some documents, to packing my things and those that i will bring home.  everything demands of my time and energy.

so i stop.  i get frustrated and spend most of time doing and thinking about nothing.  it is like i am going to a process of slow decay physically and intellectually.

there is no passion.  or excitement that would make me want to start the day right away.

perspective and inner motivation- these are the things that i need at the moment.

The Costs

well, my brother did it.

he was able to have the document authenticated and will be able to get it after four days. all at the expense of cursing, resentment, hatred and misunderstanding.

i will leave it that way and will let them be what they are.

Kahon

labels. tags. categories. names.

iisa lahat ang purpose- to put someone or something in what is perceived as its place. kasalanan ata ng utak why people put labels to anyone and anything.

i am coming from an incident this morning with dead wood girl opening it up. tinanong niya kung bading ang isang head ng isang area. malumanay daw kasi magsalita. tinanong lang naman daw siya ng isang kasama sa trabaho. sabi ko, sa nursing kailangan caring ka. ang trabaho e by nature e pangbabae talaga. kung malumanay siyang magsalita, dala yun ng trabaho niya.

gusto mo ba ng bastos at sigang nurse? lalo na kapag sa intensive care unit ka? ung mala-robin padilla na style ba. naalala ko tuloy ang isang nurse na nagpapaclearance sa office namen. sige tawagin na nating astig siya pero kung makapagsalita e may pagkabarumbado.

dahil dun, walang gustong humarap sa nurse na yun.

hindi pa ba sapat na katunayan na ang isang tao e nakapagtaguyod ng pamilya? nagtatrabaho nang maayos at may malaking pakinabang sa pamayanan? dahil ba sa boses e sasabihan ng bading?

ang mga pinoy in particular e mahilig talaga sa labels. o ang gawaing alamin kung ano ang sexual orientation ng mga tao. dahil sa boses e bading na. dahil mahinhin kumain at hindi parang patay gutom bading na.

dahil maikli ang buhok e tomboy na siya. dahil may tatto e addict na siya. dahil tahimik e snobbish at masungit na. lahat ay dapat may label. hindi makuntento sa kung ano ang ginagawa at pakinabang ng isang tao. at kadalasan, ang mga label na ito ang nagdedefine sa pangkalahatang persepsyon ng isang tao.

dahil mahinhin kumain e bading siya kaya wala yang girlfriend at hindi natin pwedeng yayain para uminom ng alak para magpakalasing. dahil tahimik yan e masungit yan kaya huwag mo nang kausapin.

hindi ba pwedeng isantabi ang mga kategoryang ito para mapalawak natin ang ating mga kaisipan?

sensitibo ang paksang ito dahil ako man ay pilit na kinukulong sa mga labels. hindi ba pwedeng huwag ikahon ang mga bagay at tao?

The Curse of the Free Spirit

now i have made a promise. that is to stop whining about a person in my workplace. but truth be told, the loathing has not yet stopped.

i may understand her demands from me. even if work is distributed unjustly and the dead wood keeps on earning more than us. but to present her usual self with other people? these people in whom she have asked favor? i think that is just too much of her self.

the question of why can't people just be nice remains to be unanswered. on my part, i have tried to be nice. to everyone actually. the effort is there and the intention. but when i am around that person, all efforts to be nice are erased.

i will admit once more that being a free spirit is hard. as my first year in this work is nearing, i feel that hands are all over my neck making it hard for me to breath. jon said that we are volatile. that something has to be new. that we are never confined to one place and one activity.

the only logical thing to do right now is to stay. at least for a few more months to where i am right now. it will make my CV a little bit better. i can pursue my masters degree. and eventually, transfer to the nursing division. of which, this will be my prayer for the coming days. all within the invisible salary. my ultimate goal will then be accomplished somehow.

if i go now, i will be free of the deadly wrath that foams out of her mouth. i can sleep well at home. i can run. i will be away from dead woods and people blinded by routines. that would be easy but my financial status and professional standing are in jeopardy.

unless i go back in egypt which mark is currently processing. or i wait until khadafi surrenders libya.

Bus Ride

kahapon, i wanted to punch myself for being too torpe. i wanted to ask for the person's digits but i was too shy too ask. sitting too close, i felt attraction was there.

teka, ano nga ba itsura ko kahapon?

ang dami ko lang kasing sources ng kahihiyan that i feel too shy. i wanted to bring out my phone but ikinahiya ko ang aking mobile phone na siyang umalalay sa moments ko ng kalungkutan.

tsk. tsk. tsk.

i could have written a note and have the person read it. but i did not so now, i am pleading the good Lord to make that person ride the same bus kung saan ako sasakay.

pathetic right? pero that is how i am. ayaw ko namang magmaasim o magpakabitter kung pano ako. at least naprove ko na capable akong makaranas ng mga puppy love at infatuation (wow ha).

sa palungko-lungko na paglalakad mula sa pagkaasar at kabiguan, nakarating ako ng bahay habang ang anak ng katulong ng landlady namen e pakalat kalat sa daan. kaya pala hindi ako pinapadaan e inakala niyang ako ang daddy niya! siyet! mukha na ba akong tatay? father figure na ito?

pangitain na ba ito? wait. hindi muna. i need to see that person again first!

Patience

it is a saturday night and i am still doing our presentation for the quality circle. i had to do this. i had to write this post as i relax myself out of the loathing i felt first, to my supervisor and to the other members of the circle.

i am now in the process of attaching the mail to be sent out to the members of the circle. i remembered my supervisor giving me major parts in the oral presentation which made me think if the half of the whole report i wrote was not enough.

and geez, i have not yet reached my first year at work yet i dread breathing the same air with my supervisor. how much more if i commit myself to stay some more years just to pay my loan?!

anyway, we are almost done. guess i need to buy a whole sack of patience.

*photo taken here.

Patda

minsan, natatawa nalang ako sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. yung tipong mapapatigil ka. hindi sa dahil suko ka na kundi dahil sa hindi mo na lang alam kung paano magreact.

mukhang napapadalas ang mga ganitong eksena sa buhay ko. at sa totoo lang, iniisip ku kung magkakaroon pa ba ako ng pagkakataon na hinihintay ko.

kung hindi ukol ay hindi bubukol.

sa ganitong mga pagkakataon, alam na hindi ukol ang lahat ng mga bagay. subalit, hindi dapat nagtatapos ang lahat...

Istatwa

sunday, 5:30 am. kalahati pa lang ng ulirat ko ang gising. mindlessly, kumakain ako ng cereals at panaka-nakang nag-aayos ng gamit para sa pagluwas ko sa maynila.

dad: bakit ang aga mong umaalis?

ako: may pupuntahan ako.

dad: work-related ba yan? dapat pag work-related wag mo ng gawin pag weekends. dapat priority mo ang pagsisimba.

naging mahaba ang aming argumento. napunta sa puntong sinabi ko na ayaw ko ang crowd sa simabahan namin at ang mga tao mismong kasama kong nagsisimba ang nagsisirian.

ang siste, hindi ko raw dapat pinapakialaman yun. mas dapat kong pag-igihan ang pagiging mabuting tao.

i felt like i was already at the church hearing the sermon of the pastor.

so i just kept silent. or the doom of the third world war will come at the halls of our house.

pati ang hindi ko raw pagbisita para magmano sa kanyang side. na porke ba mahirap daw sila at hindi na ako nag-abalang magpunta?

wala naman akong sinabing ganun. ang hindi lang nila alam, ayaw ko lang maramdaman ang maging unwanted. ang maging out of place. ang hindi kausapin o kuwentuhan ng hindi tungkol sa trabaho o kung ano ang pwede kong aplayan para sa nasira kong pangarap na makapunta sa u.k.

madami pang dahilan kung bakit ayaw kong pumunta.

natigalgal ako honestly. nawala sa sarili. nabigla. pero tumuloy pa rin ako sa aking pagluwas. dumirecho ako sa san juan para manood ng volleyball games. imbes na sa may n.domingo lang ang halaga ng pamasahe ko, hindi ako nakatanggi ng ibigay ang ticket sa akin na katumbas ng pamasahe hanggang robinson's galleria.

habang nagseserve ang mga manlalaro, para akong istatwa na tulala sa isang tabi. for sure, apektado ako. at there goes my self-esteem. down in the depths of the earth.

Alay Lakad

hindi naman ako nakaabot ng fairview sa paglalakad.

hindi rin naman nagcramps ang mga paa ko.

hindi rin ako sumigaw na halos lumabas na ang mga baga ko.

hindi rin ako tumalon sa España Tower.

hindi rin ako naglaslas ng pulso o lumaklak ng muriatic acid.


simple lang. lumabas ako ng bahay at umikot sa paligid ng Earnshaw at Cayco Street. huminga nang malalim. at huminga pa nang mas malalim.

maya-maya, nagrent ako ng computer. nagbukas ng facebook at nagmessage kay benj. nakipagchat sa taong espesyal sa akin (pero di ko alam kung ano ang tingin niya saken) at pati na rin kay ate. nanood at nakinig nang paulit-ulit ng mga videos na inspirational sa youtube.

kahit papano, naibsan ng konti ang dinaramdam ko. sa totoo lang, nahihirapan na ako. may choice pa ba ako but to endure all these things? lagi lang naman akong nasa sitwasyon na parang wala ng ibang choice but to accept kung ano ang nasa akin...

makapaglakad nga ulit mamaya.

Kimerald ('Til My Heartaches End)

my hope for a sense of normalcy just died.

while nam was busy probing my "supposed-to-be love interest" , i was trying to pursue someone. yes nam, i am finally blogging it and i will tell you this: you are certainly wrong as this entry would prove it and you can read "H-I-S" blog as well.

but the pursuing ends here as the person is in a relationship right now.

i thought my heart was going to explode yesterday. well, i am exaggerated cause i am still here.

seriously, i was really down yesterday. while i was counting all the soiled linens in the back station of the hospital, i counted my way towards recovery. oh the poor soul! no matter how many times i counted the stock, circulating and on-bed linens, my heart won't settle with the fact that the person is in a relationship.

maybe, it was too early. or i was just conceited. probably, i never saw it. the delayed response to text messages. my unanswered calls. my removal from this person's friends list in facebook only to be requested to be a friend again this week. then the relationship status.

i. hate. this.

there are enough reasons why i stay out of love. i admit, it can get so lonely and the nights so cold. but i hate this: the feeling that your world is so rosy and then suddenly, it becomes a world of heartbreaks.

as i have told you nam, i have only been to mutual understandings. never been to any relationship. call me coward. or probably too ideal. maybe shitty with relationships. i don't know anything about it other than those i have watched in dawson's creek, skins and other foreign series. or from the books that i have read. (can i include aesop's fables?)

someone will perk me up and the excitement grows. but only for some time. then it goes off with a natural death.

for a time now, i have convinced myself that i am fine with this- being single and alone. however, my age cannot escape the scourge of being stuck with erikson's theory of intimacy versus isolation stage. i fear being unable to progress with my life's developmental stage as i see classmates celebrating the birthdays of their kids.

to this, i will have to end this post. as my expectations for love also ended. i guess i am better now. and this is what is making me single all this time: i recover easily and can convince myself that i do not need somebody...

Teenage Dreams

was it five? no i think ten times ko ng pinapanood to:



watching it resurrected those frustrations that i had in the past. i guess they will remain as teenage dreams...

The Grinch for Halloween

well, i'm pissed.

not just the simple-why-don't-i-forget-it kind of pissed. for one, i am pissed with half of my family. second, my mind will not let it slip away. lastly, tomorrow is the birthday of the twins and there will be a small celebration. spell awkward!

thing is, it was really planned that i will go home tomorrow since i will buy flowers and stuff for the all souls' day on monday. i am fine with that. my simple way of helping out.

while other souls will be scented with flowers and lighted with candles, my soul is now confined in the four corners of our small room in manila. alone. nothing to do. so just imagine losing the chance of sleeping in my comfortable bed in pampanga for tonight while wrestling with boredom here.

what pissed me off was the fact that i was not buying any flowers anymore. when did i learn of this? the time when the long lines at the bus stations would rival any sarah geronimo-john lloyd cruz movie and when the two-lane roads become four.

if my sister did not text me that i won't be buying anymore, i could have wasted 600 bucks tomorrow. so an inquiry was sent to confirm. but, no reply from my adorable brothers nor did my aunt know about this who was the one who asked me to buy. i had to clarify things since i didn't know if the ones that they have bought were only for our family.

after few hours, they finally sent me the message. when all the loneliness i have been feeling have reached its saturation point and when there was no chance of going home to pampanga. oh the pathetic me!

i was thinking, paulo could have been forgivable. he was driving. but my parents and marco were not driving. if they had the intention to buy, they could have told me earlier while they were on their way to the store. then, they could have informed also my aunt so i won't be confused.

tell me, am i being too ideal? or perfectionist in this situation? they always tell me that i am hard to please. that my standards are too high for them. yeah, sometimes i am. but how about this one? i need to know since i am really pissed.

tomorrow, i will again assume the role of the resident snob in the house. now you know my halloween character.

Baby Steps

okay, i fear for the financial health of the family. i mean, who does not? well, there are those filthy rich people that reside in wack wack. seeing them this afternoon kinda had this blunt trauma effect on my heart. it hurts but it is not that showy. now, officially off the path to u.k. and in an instant, nobody wants to take me as i am nearing the anniversary of me being bum. i just cannot figure out how to be the breadwinner of the family with these circumstances.

my dad just had his 54th birthday yesterday. long before he married my mom, he was already working overseas. at times, he forgets a lot of things. eye glasses, things to do and even answering a call from his phone that was in front of him. from the way i see it, he responds a bit slower when asked. probably his hearing. questions are to be repeated twice before he can give a clear answer. or maybe, his processing time is just taking some time much like how a website loads. i don't know. maybe for fear of knowing the truth.

it dawned to me that in this condition, he cannot work anymore. my time has come and it was long ago after i passed the licensure examination. but alas, things were not working for me and my family. finally getting a break in egypt and somehow ending in a quite sour note, my u.k. dream seemed to be the answer to all of my fears. then those papers had to stop me from riding the eye of london or even to step on the london bridge.

believe me, it was the hardest thing i had yet to face and until now, i have not fully recovered from that maddening depression. me who was always perceived as the most motivated and strong-willed person was surprised to have some suicidal ideations. but wait, they just crossed my mind as my medical background had to turn my stomach upside down.

from that person who always gives those in-your-face and always enlightening advices, i was devouring all words of encouragement from friends that i could get.

baby steps charlton and soon you will be surprised of the progress you are made.

the reality that our finances are shaking us is so tangible that my dad had to undergo what he was doing for the longest time: looking for jobs overseas. to see him spend hours in front of the internet and read classified ads gives me that feeling that i am useless and unworthy to be called as his son. well, not to mention my attitude lately towards him. me, being impatient over the truth that i have to find jobs sooner and give up on the u.k. thing. but i am changing. baby steps again my friends.

who knew things can be this hard when you are a nurse? a lot were looking on a tainted glass before. that in nursing, fortune would come in an instant and in those series of unfortunate events, we were one of those people who had their share of peeking at that glass.

so today, i had to break the momentum of what seemed to be eternal depression, fear of rejection and being unproductive. today, i got to register my name for a qualifying exam, drop my resume in another, credentials to yet another hospital and finally had a glimpse of hope after seeing my chances of getting hired. if and only if i had the complete requirements.

with a lot of prayers, i am waiting for the time that i will be called for exams at these hospitals. it is not much but baby steps again. little by little. step by step. all in the hopes of helping myself and my family. plus being worthy to be called his son...

The Call

it was one of those calls in which dread was clearly there. it was needed. necessary and a monumental step to mobilize what has been stagnant- my will to try again. until it was told to me that i am not there yet. simply, i am not what they are looking for.

another tumble. another dead end. another chapter. another search. another punch in my ego. another blow to whatever that remains to my determination. another setback and yet another failure.

where is wisdom when i needed it most? where is courage when i had to try again? where is faith when my soul is hurting? where is love when a hug would do the trick? where is tomorrow when today is all you have been dreaming?

life can never be this good. good in crushing one's spirit. cheers!

The Need to Escape

"No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head."
-Terry Josephson

i never knew it would be this hard. to deny that it really happened. to make it more appropriate, to lie to yourself that it was true.

yes i failed. i admit, i lost. defeat is all of my efforts' outcome. i tried putting it off by delaying the fact to reach my cortex. with sounds, movies and fleeting interactions covering this truth, i impermanently succeeded. now is the time. the time for me to really accept it and say to myself that indeed, i have lost.

nearing eight months now, i have toiled to be able to work in u.k. i spent a lot. money, time, efforts and even other opportunities to be there. i thought i made progress as all were set. but the nmc just won't let me. or shall i say fate won't let me be there. each time setbacks happen, i immediately lose my mind momentarily and then regain my consciousness fighting back. but i guess, there is really that time you have to surrender. that time you have to quit not because you are a loser but because the fight is over. and today, it has come to me that the fight has ended without the knowledge of my dearest dad who until now is hoping that i can be there.

few days ago, i said it was just in a coma. however, today, i pronounced it dead. as any death in the family would elicit such pure sadness, this death of my dream will surely be grieved by my parents. i have to face it alone now. i have to bear the news for now as they are not yet ready. this my friend, is one of the unfortunate events in a person's life. that is to suffer alone.

telling a friend that right now i am in a process, i meant grieving. i am in grief for the fact that now, my dreams are shattered. when i thought i had it all, the bitch reality hit me hard. now what i have are all broken dreams and clueless state of mind. i told my friend that i gave it all for this one big dream and eventually losing it all in the end. it hurts. really.

i could endure the pain out of all these shit. but what i can't is the fact that now i am unwanted after my valiant efforts to be hired have been thrashed like a crumpled paper of a draft for your school report. i have nowhere to go and that is for me, the most pathetic state that i have been. if i just have that enough money...

so give me time to grieve. to mellow in utter shame, apathy and depression. these shall pass and i take comfort in this reality. i may be in this deep shit but i know, i will rise one day. little by little.

but for now, i need to escape the confines of my head first.

Cemented

i am always in the process of asking myself of the things that matter to me most. a quote which says that if you think that everybody changed, maybe it is you who changed has always been in my mind. to keep looking on other people instead of looking directly on yourself is no easy task. the courage of facing the fact that maybe something is wrong with you takes you to a battle of losing your pride or continue to believe that you did nothing wrong.

was i too sensitive on a lot of things about her? maybe. i am in no position to judge her actions but people around her would not oppose me of how i feel towards her. sensitive i think is not the word. hurt probably. it is because in all of these debacles, i am hurt by her actions. now i do not want to appear that i did not have a happy life but for the most part of my life spent at home, i was always resentful. always waiting for the chance to leave home and be emancipated from her wings. i dream of that and i hunger for that moment. i thought egypt was the start but it came to a sudden halt. i was unprepared and now i am in my room trying to confine myself so i can be away from her.

at home, you can rarely see me bond with my family members. you may have the interpretation of me being a stubborn kid resisting his parents wishes. but, you be the judge. with my siblings, i can take it. i can be with them and really have a good time. dad can be cool as he is most of the time open to any possibilities. but her presence announces that sooner or later, i may have to disagree on something. my mind truly has given me tickets to greater avenues but it has also give me a discerning eye towards her antics. to avoid her, i keep myself busy in my room.

watching t.v. at home is like walking in afghanistan waiting for landmines to explode. her choice of programs clearly spell the difference on our taste plus her comments and analysis immediately induces several arguments that i want to pound on her. she will often times interject stories which can only come in three packages with regards to their themes: gossips, envy and criticisms. i will tell you one thing, all these years, i have grown so i keep my mouth shut even if doing so will cause regurgitation of those sharp thoughts of mine in my totality. doing so can clearly dampen any bright day of mine and will cause me to go into an asylum i call my room. if i don't retreat to my asylum, i will cause the detonation of one landmine.

you know, it is hard to be like this. watching meryl streep be so caring, understanding and loving to her children in her movie called it's complicated would always punch my heart for not having that mom. i know nobody is perfect and jane adler is just an imagination but there is always this part in me who can just wish for another her and that maybe, i will be a different man.

can she not be more pleasing in the ears? be more patient, considerate and understanding? be more soft-spoken and unbiased in her own thoughts? be more humble and contented with life? she can be but i do not know if she has still time before she wakes up one day alone because every people around her would want to leave because of how she treats everybody.

tonight, it has been cemented again that i will truly leave the home i was raised and leave my loved ones behind. i need to truly live my life by my own dictates and rules as the years of guided living will reach its end soon. i need to be the kind of person free from all resentment and bitterness.

these thoughts were all aroused by an event involving a dog in our backyard. she in a raised voice and stern face asking jonah to look for it.

now the cement is dry and hard.

You Just Don't Know

when that endeavor of yours strains your relationship with yourself and with other people, it means that something is not good. it may be that endeavor itself or the way you handle yourself. either way, i have not yet figured it out and it makes me sick.

right now, i feel so nauseated to the point of dizziness and throwing up. but i opted to blog rather than comfort myself in the wash room. i think it is the stress again that is taking its toil on me.

few minutes ago, i was in a heated argument with my dad. to tell you, we never really argue before. it is just now that things are a little bit off for us. specifically, me against my parents. usually, i will be more tolerable of my dad and with the way he expresses himself towards me but then again, i really felt that it is too much for me.

again, it was about the papers for u.k. he was asking me a lot of questions. it frustrated me since he is thinking of contacting impossible people. like the agency where i went so i can have that work in egypt. i never really told anybody in the family that this agency was involved in some dirty tactics. like overcharging applicants. like really not disclosing full details. it made me frustrated as i felt that urging for me to deal with these people again. i am just tired of asking help from these people who are really uncertain of their relationship with me. and if i ever did ask help from them, i am all alone in the whole process.

i said that i am just being realistic here and you just don't know how hard for me to try and do these things all over again. i am always alone with these things. it is just now that they are starting to get involved in the real sense since they feel that i am already giving up. but then, their being involved warrants my participation of course and that my friends, makes me vomit in stress and in disappointment of their empty persistence.

they actually told jonah that they want me there and since they have already invested a lot. i was bewildered to the fact that as if i did not want to be there. i do and it kills me now that i can sense the possibility of me not going there. there was never a day in these eight months that i have not wanted to be there. that was a false accusation. for them again to account all the expenses, i have nothing to say. if you feel like i have wasted your money, please bear with me. be reminded though that i will never forget this as if your always shoving us with the fact that we owe you was never potent.

you always wanted for the easy way. with a little investment, you demand a bigger return. have you ever asked me how i felt towards all these? how about when i get home after a day worth of applying to different offices and trying to sell myself? how about when i get rejected? you never really asked about me. all you ask is the progress of my application and every time you ask for updates, it irritates me. always rushing and putting the pressure. it was also not enough for you to enjoy it in silence so you decided to tell it in the whole world that i am going. but, surprise, surprise! all seems to be unsure and now you cannot bear the fact to attend other people's despedida because you are kinda hurt plus embarrassed about my situation.

i really wanted to tell you dad that i had enough and if all will continue, i might be sick due to stress. seriously dad. you think i am not giving all my efforts towards achieving this but you just don't know how i wanted this. in between all my desires to travel and experience new things is the desire to work and help my siblings and then you. but the way you see my eagerness to look for another options just breaks my heart.

described as the hardest trial by someone, i know i can overcome this. and please, do not ever think that i don't pray that much. you just don't know.

Why I Will Never Work in the Philippines

yesterday, i was rejected. i tried applying for one of the top hospitals in the country and sadly, i was not accepted. they told me they were looking for nurses who have experience from tertiary hospitals in manila.

i tried to defend my ego by saying that i came from a JCI hospital like them and by the way, a specialty hospital for cardiac, vascular and nervous diseases. i mean the 51st hospital who passed the JCI standards and earlier than them. a hospital which can do at least five open heart surgeries in a day plus another five cases of coronary angiography. a hospital which is the most sophisticated in the northern africa as well as in the other arab countries. i mean, hello?

there was this painful fact that i was discriminated. he did not even give a look to my grades, board rating, seminars and other credentials. i was rejected right then and there. it was difficult for me but i know, these are normal.

i had it before that is why i went to egypt, for there, i was accepted. they trusted me with what i can do. they trusted me to what i can become as a nurse. they trusted me knowing that i will soon learn. the trusted me even if i am not from their own race and religion.

who knew you can be discriminated in your own country? the competition is there and i took notice of that but am i too ordinary for them? i don't want to be extra special here because all i need is a chance. a chance that is far more elusive than erap accepting the fact that he lost in the presidential race.

last monday, i voted for the person i thought will bring the change that this country needs. waiting for more than three hours just to vote is not easy with the extremely humid precinct. i was thinking about the circumstances affecting the filipino nurses. surplus of nurses versus the scarcity of jobs available. there may be jobs overseas but only few are qualified.

unfortunately, my bet did not win. he conceded already and is now moving on. it made me think about the plans of this elected official for us nurses.

when i graduated from college, i had a plan to work in any of these hospitals: pgh, heart center and kidney center. i might also take my masters degree and study spanish at the instituo cervantes. take nclex and after finishing my contract, go to the u.s. but not a thing happened as i wanted it to be. it was so heartbreaking not given a chance in your own country. worst, being denied of that chance just because there are some people who have the "rightful" connections to those involved in the recruitment process.

hospitals here take advantage of the surplus of nurses. not hiring just so they can have our services for free. they have also come up with a lot of tactics to further increase their income from us hopeless nurses by conducting trainings and other seminars of which will not even count should we apply to them since the padrino system is still at work.

just watch this video of an interview to a former philippine nurses association president regarding the abuse of the filipino nurse.



for the time being, i will not set my eyes for local employment and i guess this is my destiny for now. i have to move on.

It Is What It Is

i am now at a point in my life wherein whatever happens, i can only control how i react to it. as greg house said, it is what it is. the long battle of having to control your emotions for a perceived success and reaching new horizons is just futile. i think it will be but the little hope in me is saying otherwise.

not wanting to sound that i am whining but yeah, i guess i am right now. but, in a unemotional and unattached approach to the shit thrown to me by life. initially, i wanted to cry and shout. then fear crept in until suddenly, i had enough of all the drama. i wanted something, like that of an episode in House MD wherein a psychopath has to admit to her husband all her lies. that expressionless and inability to feel emotions only, not the lying and all other traits. honestly, i am becoming tired and the way i see it, the longer i stay away from these, the earlier i will feel lightened about all the weights thrown upon my shoulders.

much of that comes from expectations that are realistic but in times like this, appear to be gargantuan. i hate these days when i have to admit that i am starting to crumble in near-defeat. there is still that light that i wanted to have with me for eternity but the fear of it being extinguished is magnified to x1,000,000. fuck it. fuck it again. i am tired of trying and trying again. i should have not gotten the thumbs up in the first place. salivating towards all these supposed-to-be greatness is just plain bitchy.

so cheers for me. cheers for yet another epic fail. wait, not yet i believe so but now, i am starting to question my faith and the existence of God. yeah, that organized faith that my family does and the daily morning devotion is not that potent to keep me positive towards all these things. don't judge me. i think i am delayed with this kind of reaction and i just hope in time, i will go back to Him.

Spoiled

naalala ko yung sinabi ni benj, "masama naman ang magtanim ng galit. baka mangyari din saken yan." natakot din naman ako. siguro dahil sa mapait na katotohanan na dulot ng karma o kaya dahil din sa sitwasyon na ang isang bagay na nakalipas ay hindi pa rin nababaon sa baul ng panahon.

sariwa pa rin sakin ang bawat eksena sa pangyayaring iyon. linggo at katatapos lang ng misa. naisip ko, napaka-ironic ng pangyayaring ito. sa aming walong magpipinsan, ako lang ang matanda ang nandun. ang iba ay nasa murang edad pa at wala pang maiintidihan sa mga nangyayari. may sigawan. may iyakan din. ang lahat ay nag-ugat sa hindi pagkakaunawaan ng aking mga tiya at tiyo. ang tiyo, na nagpakasal at nakatira sa bahay ni lola. si tiyo, na walang trabaho, hindi tumutulong sa gawaing-bahay at lahat ay umaasa kay lola na kung saan, si lola ay nakadepende naman sa isang tiya na nasa abroad.

simple lang naman ang gusto ng isang tiyahin ko. ang tumulong siya sa mga gastusin at gawaing bahay na walang halong pag-asta bilang senyorito. marami akong narinig noon na sana, ay hindi ko na lamang narinig. na si tito ay tamad habang ang isang tita ay nasa ibang bansa at nagpapaka-alila. si tito na minsan ay nagsusugal pa at hindi kinakitaan ngpagpupursige na maghanap buhay. bilang panganay, ninais ng aking ina na pumagitna at kung maari ay maayos ang lahat. subalit, hindi ganoon ang nangyari.

habang tinitignan ang ibang mga pinsan, patuloy ang pagtangis ng isang tiya at ang mga pigil na sigaw nila. kasama si lola. nagulat nalang ako at ako ay tinatawag ng aking ama upang awatin si lola. awatin at pigilan si lola sa pagnanais na wakasan na ang buhay sa pamamagitan ng paglaslas ng pulso gamit ang kutsilyo. makalipas ang ilang minuto, nanahimik ang lahat sa tulong na rin ng kapatid ni lola ngunit sa akin, hindi na kailanman matatahimik ang aking alaala at kalooban.

sa karamihan sa kanila, mukhan limot na ito. lalu na at tumira na sila sa bukidnon, ang mag-anak ng aking tito. ngunit paminsan-minsan ay bumibisita sila dito. mahirap intindihin para sa akin kung bakit nagagawang gastusan ni mama si tito at ang kanyang pamilya. sobra kung mag-alala. kung anu-anong mga pagkain at damit ang ipinapadala kung nasa bukidnon ang mag-anak. kapag nandito naman sa pampanga, daig pa ang royal family ng inglatera ang pagturing sa kanila. siguro o.a. ako pero ganito talaga ang tingin ko. hindi naman sa nagdadamot ako pero hindi ba at may sinabi din siyang masasakit na salita kay mama? inis ako. inis ako dahil para sa akin, kinukinsinti rin niya ang pagiging tamad ng tito ko. inis ako dahil hindi nila alam ang aking nararamdaman. inis ako kung bakit "spoiled" ang isang may-edad ng tao.

noong mga nakaraang buwan, umuwi ang aking tito dito sa pampanga para tumulong sa pagpapagawa ng bahay nina lola at nasabi noon na pagsapit ng abril, susunod ang kanyang mag-anak. ikaw, kung responsable ka, maghahanap ka ng matutuluyan ng iyong mag-anak bago sila dumating. ito ngayon ang aking ikinabuburyong. dumating sila ngayon na ang lahat ay walang naihanda. bukod dito, parang ang aking magulang lang ang nag-abala sa kanilang pagdating. ang akala kong pagtuloy nila sa isang kuwarto ng kapatid ni lola ay nauwi sa pagtuloy sa kuwarto ni ate. ngayon, ayaw ko ng magulo at maingay pero hindi specific na ayaw ko rin sa bata. subalit, labis lang na makukulit at malilikot ang aking mga pinsan. sabihin mo na parang hindi ako naging bata pero sa aking alaala, puro pagpigil at pagsaway ni mama ang aking natatandaan.

gusto ko rin naman ang magkaanak pero sa tingin ko hindi pa ako handa. sa trabaho naman, ayaw ko ding magkaroon ng batang pasyente. bukod sa hindi sila mapakiusapan, ayaw ko ng nanghuhula sa kung ano ang gusto nila. alam kong pangit tignan at tawagin mo na akong masungit. pero hindi talaga ako lumabas ng aking kuwarto para sila ay kamustahin sa kanilang biyahe. ilang beses ko ng ninais na huwag maging ganito sa kanila pero nahihirapan pa rin ako. tingin ko kasi, parang pinagtataksilan ko ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pakikipagplastikan sa kanila. partikular na sa aking tiyahin at mga pinsan.

si mama kapag nagpadala sa kanila, mariringgan mo siya ng, "naku tignan mo itong tito niyo, kung hindi mo pa tatanungin kung natanggap na ang padala hindi pa magsasabi. ni hindi man marunong magpasalamat." exactly my point mother! bakit ba parang nagiging bulag kayo? bakit ba tinotolerate niyo ang ganitong ugali? ni ang mga utang niya hindi mo magawang singilin pero pag kami, partikular na si ate, kung makasingil ka, daig mo pa ang nagkautang sayo ng milyon. kung sa tutuusin, tungkulin niyo iyon bilang magulang na protektahan ang kalusugan ni ate sa pamamagitan ng pagbili ng bakuna laban sa cervical cancer.

kainis! inakala ko kasi na makakaalis na ako bago sila dumating dito pero sa tingin ko, may dahilan ang lahat. sa ngayon, ayaw ko munang alamin ang dahilan na ito. sa makahulugang tingin ng aking "mahal" na ina, alam ko na ang gusto niyang sabihin. buti na lang at dinirecho ko ang aking kapatid kung may sinabi nga siya. true enough, sinabihan niya ako na kahit nagmano man lang daw ako. bakit nga ba hindi ako lumabas sa aking kuwarto?

ewan. naiinis na rin kasi ako. sa totoo lang, mahirap magpakaplastic na wala akong resentment sa aking mga magulang. na wala akong tampo. na wala akong mga hinaing sa kanilang ginawang desison sa buhay nila at buhay namin. siguro kung sa pangkalahatan, masasabi mong maayos dahil may magandang tirahan kami, magandang edukasyon at pagkain. pero, may mga bagay lang na sadyang hindi kumpleto sa isang tao.

kung bakit hindi naisipan ni dad na magmigrate agad noon pa, kung bakit ang daming restrictions sa aking paglaki na gawa lahat ng mom ko. madami. isa na rin ang pang-iispoil sa mga kambal. napansin ko, uso pala talaga ito. mula sa tito ko hanggang sa kambal.

pigilan ko mang lumabas ang mga ito, mukhang paplastikin ko lang ang sarili ko. sa ngayon, iisipin ko muna ang mga sasabihin ko bukas ng umaga kapag lumabas na ako ng aking kuwarto.