i am always in the process of asking myself of the things that matter to me most. a quote which says that if you think that everybody changed, maybe it is you who changed has always been in my mind. to keep looking on other people instead of looking directly on yourself is no easy task. the courage of facing the fact that maybe something is wrong with you takes you to a battle of losing your pride or continue to believe that you did nothing wrong.
was i too sensitive on a lot of things about her? maybe. i am in no position to judge her actions but people around her would not oppose me of how i feel towards her. sensitive i think is not the word. hurt probably. it is because in all of these debacles, i am hurt by her actions. now i do not want to appear that i did not have a happy life but for the most part of my life spent at home, i was always resentful. always waiting for the chance to leave home and be emancipated from her wings. i dream of that and i hunger for that moment. i thought egypt was the start but it came to a sudden halt. i was unprepared and now i am in my room trying to confine myself so i can be away from her.
at home, you can rarely see me bond with my family members. you may have the interpretation of me being a stubborn kid resisting his parents wishes. but, you be the judge. with my siblings, i can take it. i can be with them and really have a good time. dad can be cool as he is most of the time open to any possibilities. but her presence announces that sooner or later, i may have to disagree on something. my mind truly has given me tickets to greater avenues but it has also give me a discerning eye towards her antics. to avoid her, i keep myself busy in my room.
watching t.v. at home is like walking in afghanistan waiting for landmines to explode. her choice of programs clearly spell the difference on our taste plus her comments and analysis immediately induces several arguments that i want to pound on her. she will often times interject stories which can only come in three packages with regards to their themes: gossips, envy and criticisms. i will tell you one thing, all these years, i have grown so i keep my mouth shut even if doing so will cause regurgitation of those sharp thoughts of mine in my totality. doing so can clearly dampen any bright day of mine and will cause me to go into an asylum i call my room. if i don't retreat to my asylum, i will cause the detonation of one landmine.
you know, it is hard to be like this. watching meryl streep be so caring, understanding and loving to her children in her movie called it's complicated would always punch my heart for not having that mom. i know nobody is perfect and jane adler is just an imagination but there is always this part in me who can just wish for another her and that maybe, i will be a different man.
can she not be more pleasing in the ears? be more patient, considerate and understanding? be more soft-spoken and unbiased in her own thoughts? be more humble and contented with life? she can be but i do not know if she has still time before she wakes up one day alone because every people around her would want to leave because of how she treats everybody.
tonight, it has been cemented again that i will truly leave the home i was raised and leave my loved ones behind. i need to truly live my life by my own dictates and rules as the years of guided living will reach its end soon. i need to be the kind of person free from all resentment and bitterness.
these thoughts were all aroused by an event involving a dog in our backyard. she in a raised voice and stern face asking jonah to look for it.
now the cement is dry and hard.