i am now at a point in my life wherein whatever happens, i can only control how i react to it. as greg house said, it is what it is. the long battle of having to control your emotions for a perceived success and reaching new horizons is just futile. i think it will be but the little hope in me is saying otherwise.
not wanting to sound that i am whining but yeah, i guess i am right now. but, in a unemotional and unattached approach to the shit thrown to me by life. initially, i wanted to cry and shout. then fear crept in until suddenly, i had enough of all the drama. i wanted something, like that of an episode in House MD wherein a psychopath has to admit to her husband all her lies. that expressionless and inability to feel emotions only, not the lying and all other traits. honestly, i am becoming tired and the way i see it, the longer i stay away from these, the earlier i will feel lightened about all the weights thrown upon my shoulders.
much of that comes from expectations that are realistic but in times like this, appear to be gargantuan. i hate these days when i have to admit that i am starting to crumble in near-defeat. there is still that light that i wanted to have with me for eternity but the fear of it being extinguished is magnified to x1,000,000. fuck it. fuck it again. i am tired of trying and trying again. i should have not gotten the thumbs up in the first place. salivating towards all these supposed-to-be greatness is just plain bitchy.
so cheers for me. cheers for yet another epic fail. wait, not yet i believe so but now, i am starting to question my faith and the existence of God. yeah, that organized faith that my family does and the daily morning devotion is not that potent to keep me positive towards all these things. don't judge me. i think i am delayed with this kind of reaction and i just hope in time, i will go back to Him.