Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Bear Grylls Mentality

i checked the calender and just like that, the first half of the year is done. so much time has passed and i thought of looking back. and i thought, a lot of the days was wasted for waiting and doing nothing that can make me better as a person.

bear grylls said while you are not preparing or practicing, somebody is preparing and when you meet in a battle, you will lose. that made me think in fear. let's see. i lacked focus, checked. fear of failure, checked. not meeting the expectations of others, checked. lack of discipline, checked. you see, i have many checks in my life but only on the bad side. not good charlton.

the standards set by people often limit me. i fear and i stop. i worry and i wait. i think too much and let those thoughts run my life. i am getting fed up with all these and i think, sorry again guys for thinking, but me being hopeful for days to come will always be a good thing.

my mind is clearer and my goal attainable. fears are being taken care of with much openness to the fact that i can gain everything if i conquer them. i hope that i can look back next time with so much pride that i had done something new and achieved something in my life.

so good luck to me.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Prodigal Me

i almost lost it all. my faith, my religion and my only hope. it was difficult but friends did not give up and so here i am, rising from all the rubbish emotions and fatal disbelief.

what i did yesterday was something unconventional of me. not thinking of what i will experience, i did go to a lot of hospitals. simply, i did not think too much and i just went for it. the feeling was nice. i could not recall the times i did something like this. like stepping out of my comfort zone and just doing what i had to do. of course it was not easy and i had to gather strength from Him.

you see, i went inside the chapel to have that courage. that strength to make me want to try again. but when i left the place, i felt so much more than just being courageous. God really knows when to talk to you and yesterday was that day. through the priest, i was told that He answers all our prayers. sometimes yes. sometimes no because He has better answer. sometimes not yet since He is preparing for bigger blessings. i knew that i have heard these things long ago but the timing was just perfect yesterday. it made me cry. and reflect. and repulsive of how i acted the past weeks. but i instantly asked for forgiveness and guidance.

so things are now different for me. i may had to write that dreadful letter to toni, i have hopes of being somewhere else. best and rightly for me.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Baby Steps

okay, i fear for the financial health of the family. i mean, who does not? well, there are those filthy rich people that reside in wack wack. seeing them this afternoon kinda had this blunt trauma effect on my heart. it hurts but it is not that showy. now, officially off the path to u.k. and in an instant, nobody wants to take me as i am nearing the anniversary of me being bum. i just cannot figure out how to be the breadwinner of the family with these circumstances.

my dad just had his 54th birthday yesterday. long before he married my mom, he was already working overseas. at times, he forgets a lot of things. eye glasses, things to do and even answering a call from his phone that was in front of him. from the way i see it, he responds a bit slower when asked. probably his hearing. questions are to be repeated twice before he can give a clear answer. or maybe, his processing time is just taking some time much like how a website loads. i don't know. maybe for fear of knowing the truth.

it dawned to me that in this condition, he cannot work anymore. my time has come and it was long ago after i passed the licensure examination. but alas, things were not working for me and my family. finally getting a break in egypt and somehow ending in a quite sour note, my u.k. dream seemed to be the answer to all of my fears. then those papers had to stop me from riding the eye of london or even to step on the london bridge.

believe me, it was the hardest thing i had yet to face and until now, i have not fully recovered from that maddening depression. me who was always perceived as the most motivated and strong-willed person was surprised to have some suicidal ideations. but wait, they just crossed my mind as my medical background had to turn my stomach upside down.

from that person who always gives those in-your-face and always enlightening advices, i was devouring all words of encouragement from friends that i could get.

baby steps charlton and soon you will be surprised of the progress you are made.

the reality that our finances are shaking us is so tangible that my dad had to undergo what he was doing for the longest time: looking for jobs overseas. to see him spend hours in front of the internet and read classified ads gives me that feeling that i am useless and unworthy to be called as his son. well, not to mention my attitude lately towards him. me, being impatient over the truth that i have to find jobs sooner and give up on the u.k. thing. but i am changing. baby steps again my friends.

who knew things can be this hard when you are a nurse? a lot were looking on a tainted glass before. that in nursing, fortune would come in an instant and in those series of unfortunate events, we were one of those people who had their share of peeking at that glass.

so today, i had to break the momentum of what seemed to be eternal depression, fear of rejection and being unproductive. today, i got to register my name for a qualifying exam, drop my resume in another, credentials to yet another hospital and finally had a glimpse of hope after seeing my chances of getting hired. if and only if i had the complete requirements.

with a lot of prayers, i am waiting for the time that i will be called for exams at these hospitals. it is not much but baby steps again. little by little. step by step. all in the hopes of helping myself and my family. plus being worthy to be called his son...

The Final Letter

Dear Ms. Toni,

Clearly, I do not know how to start this email to you. It is with pure sadness that I was not be able to accomplish those forms. The last time we talked, we were looking at the possibility of just having to get some form of certification that would state that my Philippine nursing license was recognized in Egypt. With all the possible ways that we can think of, we proceeded to get help from the Egyptian Embassy here in the Philippines. The Embassy told us that the Certificate of Employment would be enough to certify that I was registered as a nurse in Egypt. I know however, that it works differently in U.K.

Trying on the other option, we decided to go to our Professional Regulations Commission to ask for help and we hit dead-end. There is no law that would allow reciprocity of our license to any other country. It may be like that in Egypt but the lawyer from the Commission told us that there is no written mandate. It was a very sad day for the whole family as we do not know anymore what to do. As if to further explain the situation to the NMC, my dad sent an email to Mr. Bowler but until now, no reply has been received.

After all the efforts and resources spent, I think I hit the end of my journey in going to U. K. However, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am nearing one year of being jobless now and so I am looking at the prospect of searching for another job since I cannot progress to U. K. It was really a pleasure working with you. I hope in the future, I may be able to apply again with Search.

Thank you and God bless.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Rude Boy

now i do not want to sound bitter here. after all, karen was not enough for my friends to leave me. i can only be happy for them, even my very best friend benj leaving as well. now nearing two weeks since he left, benj finally got a job in singapore.

i am truly happy for him. no slight evidence of envy or any negative emotions. he deserves that job. after all the hard work and sacrifices, it could only get better for him. as i have told him, he has a good heart.

this points the matter to myself. am i too bad not to be blessed by the heavens above?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Call

it was one of those calls in which dread was clearly there. it was needed. necessary and a monumental step to mobilize what has been stagnant- my will to try again. until it was told to me that i am not there yet. simply, i am not what they are looking for.

another tumble. another dead end. another chapter. another search. another punch in my ego. another blow to whatever that remains to my determination. another setback and yet another failure.

where is wisdom when i needed it most? where is courage when i had to try again? where is faith when my soul is hurting? where is love when a hug would do the trick? where is tomorrow when today is all you have been dreaming?

life can never be this good. good in crushing one's spirit. cheers!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Peace Tayo

sa lahat ng mga nakikita kong nurse sa daan na walang habas sa pagsira ng dangal ng isang nurse...

sa lahat ng mga nurse na gumamit ng kapit/padrino/backer/kakilala/kamag-anak/kaibigan para makapagtrabaho at hindi dumaan sa tamang proseso ng hiring...

sa lahat ng mga nurse na nagrereklamo sa hirap ng trabaho...

sa lahat ng mga ospital na nananamantala sa mga nurse sa pamamagitan ng pagkakaroon ng volunteer/reliever program..

sa lahat ng mga opisyales ng gobyerno na walang ginawa sa kalagayan ng mga nurses...

isang malutong na salamat at goodluck sa inyong buhay.


and i am back. after more than a week of being absent in the blogging world, i have decided to shout to the cyber world of how miserable i am.

nothing is changed. you see, i am now in my room with the lights turned off thinking that maybe, my parents will think that i am now asleep and that the dreaded talk of pursuing the u.k. dream shall be postponed.

this morning, i had the wonderful greeting from my dad. he was asking me about any possibility of an applicant from egypt who was successful enough to be registered in u.k. how in the world will i know that? so i told him i cannot answer that question but i guess i said it in the not-so-subtle sarcastic me. it irritated him my friends telling me that he is working hard to find a solution that is why he is always researching. what was he trying to say? that i am not working hard to find an answer? i would like you to know that before this, i was alone in trying to find ways. my friends and sometimes my sister were the only ones who understood every worry and every struggle i had. they know each sleepless night that i had in thinking too much of what to do next. bet my dad did not know about that.

honestly, i have not heard of a nurse from egypt who was able to register in u.k. maybe there is but i do not know who he is and i dare not to know how he was able to get the necessary paper for fear of my dad trying to contact him. it is different now people. they are keeping us to their country. when can my dad realize the fact that times and circumstances have changed? if maybe he and i are muslims. perhaps it will change...

two weeks ago, we went to the egyptian embassy in the philippines and the professional regulations commission to ask for their help. well, the not-so-friendly filipina staff strongly told us that they cannot help us and that the employment certificate that i got from my previous employer would be enough. sadly, it is not the case in u.k. same with the prc. the officer was really kind though. even explaining things that are quite understandable for me.

so today, i sent my dad all the emails i wrote to the nmc u.k. and to my agent there. after few hours of examining them, he told me that in my first email, i told the nmc that "my professional referees can attest to my capacity as a registered nurse." i did not know how to answer him but to say the least, it was not really clear at all whether we were registered in egypt or not. before, i saw the paper from a distance in the h.r. bearing my membership to their nursing syndicate and another piece of information which was in arabic. on the other hand, one filipino supervisor told me that our home nursing license were recognized in egypt. so how will i know? in addition, when i was still applying for the bridging program in australia, the registration officer told me that they were able to receive complete requirements from egypt and how come i was not able to comply? friends, it is different if you are a foreigner. they tend to be more strict to us.

i can understand their sentiments. that after they have cultivated us into better nurses, we are suddenly leaving them. if they could just give us better benefits and compensation then we will not think of leaving them. plus better working conditions.

a realization came to me few days ago that i should live in the moment. no what ifs, regrets and future hopes. just enjoying the now moment. so i decided today that i will not think of my present condition and only to be ruined first thing in the morning by a question from my dad. i am now afraid of making plans for the future. worst, decisions for me are scarier than kris aquino running for the presidency in 2016. somehow, i have become paralyzed by my unmet expectations and failed ventures in life. i would like to get in shape and start all over again but i cannot seem to find the momentum. well, not if i am in this house.

if the Lord is really good, why can't He not give me closure? a dead end to just make my dad shut up and stop trying to force the issue. or maybe a solution. how about a glaring sign that i am not really meant to work in u.k.? i am tired my friends and i am even fed up of cheering myself up.

there is a reason for all of these events. yeah f*ck that. a reason for all these events? it is not a goal for me to decipher all these shit around me. i am fed up with failures and disappointment so a puzzle won't help me. i need answers for every effort spent.

so there, cheers to a life still to unfold.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Road to Redemption

the day started gloomy with some rains on the side. admittedly, i was affected. after all those crazy days, who would not be?

but then again, something historical was at play. nadal was playing for the french open championship against the man who took him down last year. i thought he was depicting how i will play my life now...

as life is a tennis game, i have to prepare hard. look towards my goal...

choose my options very well...

know my enemy so i can keep him closer to me...

serve him with a purpose to expose his weaknesses...

then hit hard towards him...

i may stumble during the process...

but i will stand up again so i can f*ck air in joy for small victories...

not forgetting to keep my focus...

until i can bite my own trophy...

thank you rafa for making me believe that i can do it. felicitaciones rafa!

photos from Read/AFP/Getty at

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Need to Escape

"No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head."
-Terry Josephson

i never knew it would be this hard. to deny that it really happened. to make it more appropriate, to lie to yourself that it was true.

yes i failed. i admit, i lost. defeat is all of my efforts' outcome. i tried putting it off by delaying the fact to reach my cortex. with sounds, movies and fleeting interactions covering this truth, i impermanently succeeded. now is the time. the time for me to really accept it and say to myself that indeed, i have lost.

nearing eight months now, i have toiled to be able to work in u.k. i spent a lot. money, time, efforts and even other opportunities to be there. i thought i made progress as all were set. but the nmc just won't let me. or shall i say fate won't let me be there. each time setbacks happen, i immediately lose my mind momentarily and then regain my consciousness fighting back. but i guess, there is really that time you have to surrender. that time you have to quit not because you are a loser but because the fight is over. and today, it has come to me that the fight has ended without the knowledge of my dearest dad who until now is hoping that i can be there.

few days ago, i said it was just in a coma. however, today, i pronounced it dead. as any death in the family would elicit such pure sadness, this death of my dream will surely be grieved by my parents. i have to face it alone now. i have to bear the news for now as they are not yet ready. this my friend, is one of the unfortunate events in a person's life. that is to suffer alone.

telling a friend that right now i am in a process, i meant grieving. i am in grief for the fact that now, my dreams are shattered. when i thought i had it all, the bitch reality hit me hard. now what i have are all broken dreams and clueless state of mind. i told my friend that i gave it all for this one big dream and eventually losing it all in the end. it hurts. really.

i could endure the pain out of all these shit. but what i can't is the fact that now i am unwanted after my valiant efforts to be hired have been thrashed like a crumpled paper of a draft for your school report. i have nowhere to go and that is for me, the most pathetic state that i have been. if i just have that enough money...

so give me time to grieve. to mellow in utter shame, apathy and depression. these shall pass and i take comfort in this reality. i may be in this deep shit but i know, i will rise one day. little by little.

but for now, i need to escape the confines of my head first.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


i think i was in the sixth grade when i first met her. she was from a private school. well, she beat me for the little mayor and all other available positions. i was socially awkward while she presented herself as everybody's friend. so, i ended getting the position of being the little municipal planning and coordinating officer while she was the little first councilor. i thought her voice was atrocious. the one that appears to be impossible to modulate even if she speaks in lower decibels. simply call, the palengkera voice.

well, she is a palengkera in reality. her parents were able to send all four of them in college by being guagua's vegetable dealer. whenever she has no classes, she helps her mom sell vegetables even if she has to wake up at three in the morning. at times when we go home late from a night out with friends, she will always remind us that she still needs to help her mom. respectful, understanding and a kind heart. but i didn't know her that way before. the talkative side of her made me scoff at her presence and few years later, this would be one of my biggest regrets.

come high school, i was one of the new kids in her school. i hated their school for they were in private and i was in public elementary schools. it was normal i tell you but all things changed when i have to be in the school i hated. of course, she was confident along with her other classmates. i was new and not accustomed to the environment. but i survived. even managed to be at the top ten and eventually made me a little bit superior of her as i would like to believe.

by the second year in high school, we were classmates. she was in the second section during the freshman year while i was at the pilot section. of course! just then, i thought she might not be that bad as a classmate. yes she is talkative but not really in the annoying manner. so i did my own thing and moved on. we talked but not really gotten to know her very well.

i was elected president of the class when i reached junior year. but i declined because i knew, a lot of work will be expected from me. and i did not want that as i have to focus on my studies being consistent on the top ten. jon had to take the position then but as the always first honor and the next editor-in-chief of the school news organ, he too had to beg off. so she had no choice but to take the responsibility that was refused by the two of us.

as the "panakip-butas," she had to work hard. she had to prove that she can do it. being the last choice meant differently for her. it meant that she is as good as the first choice. so she did prove to everybody. of course i felt guilty whenever she will cry in front of the class for being fed up with our classmates not cooperating for every class endeavor. she will always say that it was because she was just the last option that nobody respects her. to this, i felt that i had to do even a little part in making her work lighter. since all of my classmates would listen to me, especially the boys, i make it a point that i get them to listen to her.

in a way, we had a friendship formed. but as you know in high school, groups were vital. she belonged to one while i was a bit scattered with a lot of groups. but it did not matter as when the need arises, i can a little bit sociable. this had paved the way for conversations that were not just sensible but cathartic. and by the end of high school, she was on the spot with her dreams. she took up accountancy and will always be working hard with her dreams. as the president, she would always organize the annual iv-genesis christmas parties even if we were already in college.

her dedication did not waver. even if she has to wait in a resort in pampanga, alone and had beg to the caretakers not to close yet for she was hoping we will come to the party she organized, she continued to do it year after year. and after nearly five years, she graduated and passed the board exams. her title as a certified public accountant did not come in a first try. but as usual, she was always focused on what she wants.

a picture of an endangered species. (peace karnts haha)

when i got back from egypt, i had lunch arranged for my friends. but i did not invite her specifically but thank God, benj made her come. soon, we were always together in every event possible. it is like seeing the rainbow from the other side for i began to see the most beautiful in her. karnts is such a wonderful person and amazing friend. as emjay would always tell her, the ideal sister. can i add that she is the ideal friend? karnts is always cheerful. always unafraid to make a fool of herself even if we always reminisce those times when she embarrassed herself in front of the class. or the times she sings with her despicable "palengkera" voice. or the fact that we always make her uncomfortable with questions about her virginity haha.

karnts just got an m.b.a. degree at the age of 25. she was able to work in a prestigious international bank but now she is off to singapore to find her luck. actually, she will leave today and i just feel sad for the fact that we will not be able to meet for some happy moments to come. well, i will do miss her when when coffee time will come. for many times, she treats me to these fancy coffee shops knowing that i do not have work. i will miss her for the conversations that keeps me focused. for the conversations that stirs my sleeping spirit towards success and happiness. i will miss her for she is one of those people who was and is still there in my journey towards my u.k. dream.

i am really emotional right now for i feel that one of my pillars is leaving but i know, she will still be there. karnts, you might not be able to read my blog but i just want you to know that i really appreciate our friendship. all these times, you, benj and all other friends have stood by me. i am encouraged by the fact that you are filled with fortitude in your endeavor to soar high in singapore. i know it may not be easy but knowing you, you are not going to give up. my respect for you never left.

in truth, we will miss you. our coffee night-outs will not be the same without you but be comforted in the fact that we are all praying for your success. as we all mentioned, we will give it a week or so haha.

cheers to you calara!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Supposed To Be

i thought it was dead already but now, i think it is just in a coma. my u.k. dreams that is. so the former workmate of my dad is still in ghana and may not be back until the end of the month. just plain amazing.

apparently, of all the job posts that i have applied for, no one seems to be interested of me. now i do not want to be really hopeful and delusional in thinking that maybe because i am meant for this u.k. thing. it is just that i am starting to like the valiant efforts of my dad in making it happen. today, he communicated with another colleague. a filipino one. so i guess it will be a lot easier.

they chatted for a while and in the end, dad's colleague may still have to wait for friends back there in egypt to finally go online. he said i should have brought with me an egyptian when i did the request. but hey, the egyptians that i know back there does not even know that certain nursing organizations exist! they don't even go to their malls where we frequently go!

crazy. just crazy. it is just a sad thing that nursing authorities in u.k. and in australia think that the world operates by the way they wanted it. to think that we are both in need of each other, it deeply frustrates me that they don't compromise. or maybe a little bit understanding. guess this is the reality brought about by being borne in a developing country.

so tomorrow, i am not gonna worry about anything related to my career. for i will face the new day as it is supposed to be...

Maybe it's up with the stars
Maybe it's under the sea
Maybe it's not very far
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be
This is how it's supposed to be
Maybe it's trapped in a jar
Something we've already seen
Maybe it's nowhere at all
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be
This is how it's supposed to be
Looking forward as we rewind
Looking back is a trap sometimes
Being here is so easy to do
If you want to

-Supposed to be, Jack Johnson

6. Bon Appetit

in between my search for something that i can call a profession and trying to be okay with everything that is going on with my life, i have loaded myself with films to watch and t.v. series to enjoy.

i finished julie and julia plus bridges of madison county. what is common is that both films featured meryl streep so it has become clear to me now why an oscar for her is long overdue.

moving on, julie and julia has certainly captured those emotions that have been ruling my life these past few months. for julie to say that she has to accomplish something, i felt myself saying that line. i had a lot of attempts to occupy and further enrich myself. honestly, i have been failing and i felt sick. so like julie, i will try to accomplish something while trying to forget somehow that i am a nurse. i have done a lot and will wait if my efforts have produced something.

i may have to work on the recipe of my life right now so bon appetit to working it out.