Closure

and i am back. after more than a week of being absent in the blogging world, i have decided to shout to the cyber world of how miserable i am.

nothing is changed. you see, i am now in my room with the lights turned off thinking that maybe, my parents will think that i am now asleep and that the dreaded talk of pursuing the u.k. dream shall be postponed.

this morning, i had the wonderful greeting from my dad. he was asking me about any possibility of an applicant from egypt who was successful enough to be registered in u.k. how in the world will i know that? so i told him i cannot answer that question but i guess i said it in the not-so-subtle sarcastic me. it irritated him my friends telling me that he is working hard to find a solution that is why he is always researching. what was he trying to say? that i am not working hard to find an answer? i would like you to know that before this, i was alone in trying to find ways. my friends and sometimes my sister were the only ones who understood every worry and every struggle i had. they know each sleepless night that i had in thinking too much of what to do next. bet my dad did not know about that.

honestly, i have not heard of a nurse from egypt who was able to register in u.k. maybe there is but i do not know who he is and i dare not to know how he was able to get the necessary paper for fear of my dad trying to contact him. it is different now people. they are keeping us to their country. when can my dad realize the fact that times and circumstances have changed? if maybe he and i are muslims. perhaps it will change...

two weeks ago, we went to the egyptian embassy in the philippines and the professional regulations commission to ask for their help. well, the not-so-friendly filipina staff strongly told us that they cannot help us and that the employment certificate that i got from my previous employer would be enough. sadly, it is not the case in u.k. same with the prc. the officer was really kind though. even explaining things that are quite understandable for me.

so today, i sent my dad all the emails i wrote to the nmc u.k. and to my agent there. after few hours of examining them, he told me that in my first email, i told the nmc that "my professional referees can attest to my capacity as a registered nurse." i did not know how to answer him but to say the least, it was not really clear at all whether we were registered in egypt or not. before, i saw the paper from a distance in the h.r. bearing my membership to their nursing syndicate and another piece of information which was in arabic. on the other hand, one filipino supervisor told me that our home nursing license were recognized in egypt. so how will i know? in addition, when i was still applying for the bridging program in australia, the registration officer told me that they were able to receive complete requirements from egypt and how come i was not able to comply? friends, it is different if you are a foreigner. they tend to be more strict to us.

i can understand their sentiments. that after they have cultivated us into better nurses, we are suddenly leaving them. if they could just give us better benefits and compensation then we will not think of leaving them. plus better working conditions.

a realization came to me few days ago that i should live in the moment. no what ifs, regrets and future hopes. just enjoying the now moment. so i decided today that i will not think of my present condition and only to be ruined first thing in the morning by a question from my dad. i am now afraid of making plans for the future. worst, decisions for me are scarier than kris aquino running for the presidency in 2016. somehow, i have become paralyzed by my unmet expectations and failed ventures in life. i would like to get in shape and start all over again but i cannot seem to find the momentum. well, not if i am in this house.

if the Lord is really good, why can't He not give me closure? a dead end to just make my dad shut up and stop trying to force the issue. or maybe a solution. how about a glaring sign that i am not really meant to work in u.k.? i am tired my friends and i am even fed up of cheering myself up.

there is a reason for all of these events. yeah f*ck that. a reason for all these events? it is not a goal for me to decipher all these shit around me. i am fed up with failures and disappointment so a puzzle won't help me. i need answers for every effort spent.

so there, cheers to a life still to unfold.