"No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head."
i never knew it would be this hard. to deny that it really happened. to make it more appropriate, to lie to yourself that it was true.
yes i failed. i admit, i lost. defeat is all of my efforts' outcome. i tried putting it off by delaying the fact to reach my cortex. with sounds, movies and fleeting interactions covering this truth, i impermanently succeeded. now is the time. the time for me to really accept it and say to myself that indeed, i have lost.
nearing eight months now, i have toiled to be able to work in u.k. i spent a lot. money, time, efforts and even other opportunities to be there. i thought i made progress as all were set. but the nmc just won't let me. or shall i say fate won't let me be there. each time setbacks happen, i immediately lose my mind momentarily and then regain my consciousness fighting back. but i guess, there is really that time you have to surrender. that time you have to quit not because you are a loser but because the fight is over. and today, it has come to me that the fight has ended without the knowledge of my dearest dad who until now is hoping that i can be there.
few days ago, i said it was just in a coma. however, today, i pronounced it dead. as any death in the family would elicit such pure sadness, this death of my dream will surely be grieved by my parents. i have to face it alone now. i have to bear the news for now as they are not yet ready. this my friend, is one of the unfortunate events in a person's life. that is to suffer alone.
telling a friend that right now i am in a process, i meant grieving. i am in grief for the fact that now, my dreams are shattered. when i thought i had it all, the bitch reality hit me hard. now what i have are all broken dreams and clueless state of mind. i told my friend that i gave it all for this one big dream and eventually losing it all in the end. it hurts. really.
i could endure the pain out of all these shit. but what i can't is the fact that now i am unwanted after my valiant efforts to be hired have been thrashed like a crumpled paper of a draft for your school report. i have nowhere to go and that is for me, the most pathetic state that i have been. if i just have that enough money...
so give me time to grieve. to mellow in utter shame, apathy and depression. these shall pass and i take comfort in this reality. i may be in this deep shit but i know, i will rise one day. little by little.
but for now, i need to escape the confines of my head first.