Sunday, February 28, 2010


so dlsu lady spikers and feu spikers both lost to ust. me and my teams on the losing end.

but not totally.

this i have to say: feu took the men's football title against who? ust. how about this? dlsu lady booters beating ust in the women's football championships.

not to mention an feu-nrmf graduate topping the medical board exam.

did i actually remember my high school classmate (now a graduating ust med. student) who did not pass u.p. and dlsu entrance exams say that in the philippines, only up, ust and plm are the reputable ones?

now take this: suck it all bitches!

Saturday, February 27, 2010


i though i had punished myself yesterday.

after all, it was the first day of the three-day sale at sm pampanga. when i speak of sale in the context of kapampangans, it is crazy.

trust me. known for being "galante," i would say many of kapampangans are really spendthrift. just imagine now the congestion the mall could get at these times.

the purpose was really to buy a new luggage for me. old one is still functional but it can get a little bit uneasy as i had to contend its duality as a luggage and a mere duffel bag.

in my mind, i would want to spend more on the jacket i will have to wear. i want it fashionable but of good quality. i want those i see from gq or details. perfect fit and perfect style.

since i was not paying, i obliged to their suggestion. paying it was really an affirmation that all things will work together for my good.

now that is faith.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Split Emotions

have you ever felt that feeling of being overwhelmed with so much joy but at the same time you are so afraid that it won't last that long?

i did and it was just yesterday.

i felt weird actually. while waiting for my number to be called at the counter, i felt my lacrimal glands swelling up. but i had to stop there.

the joy of watching the tv presentation of what is there in u.k. was just too much for me as i realized i am so close to finally coming there.

wimbledon, football games at the manchester stadium, visiting the national park shown in p.s. i love you, london pubs, topman clothes, eye of london, having to study there in the future and a lot more.

however, i had to pinch and remind myself that i still had to arrange some things.

that would include the approval of my visa and the reference forms from egypt to be received by the nmc.

at least, i had to console myself by getting a copy of the promotional booklet of britain's travel guide.

Punishment in Exchange for Positive Results

yesterday was totally a different day.

first, there is the pressure of having to go through the visa application center. second, that pressure made me want to piss like every thirty minutes. third, my shoes were killing my feet.

tuesday, at the office. ms. teena is an obsessive compulsive person like me! she had to check every detail of the documents and even had to arrange them in the exact manner as written in the checklist. now i am confident.

me, as the usual o.c., failed to deliver that day. i forgot to photocopy some documents and i kept on forgetting some minor details. good thing ms. teena was there to remind me always.

i also went to St. Clare after all documents were properly arranged and corrected. guidance is what i asked for. St. Clare has been my patron saint since high school.

come yesterday, those three things made my day different.

the pressure was always there. scared of what to expect and afraid of committing errors, i was so damn nervous and pressured to deliver. this lead me to the second thing- having to relieve myself every thirty minutes or so!

take for example the first fucking experience with me pissing in the most unfortunate time. i had to take off at paramount for me to be able to catch the mrt at the north avenue station. riding the bus from pampanga to paramount, the bus was cold so it had to bulk up the fluids accumulating in my bladder.

at north avenue station, i had to search for comfort rooms but alas, most establishments were still closed as it was too early!

yes urinals my friends. the solution depended on these quite filthy and smelly pink now green mmda urinals.


the thought was just quite unacceptable for me. pissing in those things with all people passing beside me? no.

but then again, i am just a human with physiologic needs. i had to satisfy them first before i ca be self-actualized.

so i did it after making sure there were only few people passing. it was heaven at its finest! the comfort of having to rest your bladder was simply nirvana.

but nirvana was just short as my shoes started to eat my toes. i had to take all the beating as i want to look good while applying my visa.


i just hope i get positive results. i had to swallow my pride in using those mmda urinals and i had to punish my toes with my shoes. not to mention the palpitations i felt while waiting for my turn to be called at the visa center.

the things you would do just to achieve something...maddening. amazing. entertaining.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Why Complain?

i can't complain right now.

kahit pa pagod na pagod ako sa kakaluwas sa manila to arrange for my visa o kahit pa up to this time, hindi pa nasesend ang reference letters ko na manggagaling sa egypt. kahit pa na before march 21, natanggap ko na dapat ang decision letter from u.k. kahit na feb. 24 na ngayon at tatakbuhin ng more than 20 days ang hihintayin bago matanggap ang mga sulat galing ng u.k.

isipin mo hindi pa naipapadala ang mga reference letters pero dapat may decision na bago mar. 21 at kailangan ko ding matanggap yun ng less than 20 days.

i really can't complain.

kahit magmakaawa nako sa mga housemates ko dati na ipadala na nila ung sulat. kahit kabadong kabado ako sa paghihintay ng result ng visa application ko.

another test and another chance to redeem myself. ilang beses na nga ba? sampo? isang daan? basta. hindi ko na matandaan pero ang alam ko, ang lahat ay umayon sa Kanyang plano at sa aking kabutihan.

so why complain now?

Monday, February 22, 2010


tuloy na tuloy ang pagiging dakilang private nurse ko. as of kanina, naging abala ako sa paglilinis ng sugat ng aking lola at pagmonitor sa bp ng isang kapitbahay.

kahit puyat sa napakaagang church service namen, tumuloy pa rin ako sa mga pasyente ko. aaminin ko, masarap din ung pakiramdam na nakakatulong ka dahil sa pagkakatanda ko ng ako ay maging nurse, ngayon pa lang talaga ako nagreach out sa mga taong nasa paligid ko.

maging busy man ako this week, naisip ko na okay lang kasi sobra naman ang blessings ni God saken. may appointment na kasi ako sa visa application center. kabado dahil baka magka-aberya pero i do trust Him.

nasasabik ako na kinakabahan na nalulungkot na natutuwa na natatakot. sobrang kakaiba ung nararamdaman ko.

i hope everything will run smoothly...

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Utakan Lang

tigilan mo ko!

sumosobra ka na! kung anu-anong ideya ang pinapakain mo sa aking marupok na kalagayan.

dapat akong maging masaya. at ngayon, dapat mas magkaron ng tiwala.


asar ako sa isip ko. masyadong mapanglinlang ang aking mga diwa na nagpapahina ng aking paniniwala at pananampalataya.

minsan, mas masarap ang walang alam sa katotohanan o sa nagpapanggap na totoo.

Crazy Surprise

this is crazy.

this morning, i just called the office and they told me that i will have to process my visa asap! my flight is on march 22 and i need to fix all documents as soon as i can.

isn't it crazy?

from my previous post, i was really down with all the things around me but then, God surprised me this one.

right now, i do not know what to do first. there's a lot to process and i am just having information overload. however, i could get used to this worthy piles of work.


dear God,

i just want to thank You. thank You for this great news that has kept me thinking all day long. i really did not expect it. You really have a sense of humor! i just pray my Father that You will guide me as i make my application for the visa. grant positive response to it as well as my application to the NMC.

forgive me Lord for not telling it to my parents. i just want things to run smoothly and i do not want them to be pressured with all the things that i have to deal with.

You know and hold my future so i will fully entrust my life to Your Hands. thank You my Father and my Friend...


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Too Much

i am beginning to think too much that i end up hurting my faith and my ego to the point of crumbling... what shall i do?


One Republic

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
'Til all my sleeves are stained red

From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insinceres
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insinceres
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'm 'a tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insinceres
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insinceres
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, all my secrets away


maybe my being away from the hospital scene has given me some nerves. really, i hate myself now.

coming home from my stay in the hospital with my grandma, i kinda had a bad feeling about myself. i do not know where it stems from but i dread it.

have you ever felt that nagging feeling that you are not that good?

i have always had that. that thing which pierces through my conscious effort to help other people. some would say that at my level, i should be confident. but, i am just having difficulty amidst my awards in college and past experience.

washing my face as if in attempt to wash away that feeling, i know i should be happy. to see our neighbor now in the same hospital as with my grandma and somehow being able to take part in her care, i should be at least proud of myself.


so i just came back from being awake for a straight 17 hours!

what do we have here? well, God really gave to me what i was missing- some nursing work!

i thought yesterday was just one of those days wherein i was doing really nothing significant. after all, the visit from my cousins did not not evoke a single moment of joy or excitement.

as usual, i opted to stay home instead of visiting the sister of my grandma in the hospital. there is always a lot of people visiting so i believed my absence would not matter at all.

back at home, i was blog hopping when somebody was at our gate calling for me! it was this neighbor of ours who frequents the house to have her blood pressure taken. apparently, there is another neighbor who is not feeling well and she suspected she might be hypertensive.

after preparing myself, i went with here. it turned out, our neighbor exactly opposite our house had a really bad headache, some tingling sensation, vomiting and peed on herself.

gathering some history while monitoring her blood pressure every 5 minutes or so, i suggested she be taken to the hospital for check-up. the old lady is really in bad shape as her blood pressure has not stabilized while i was there.

after letting her rest for some time, they decided to take her to the hospital and i got home while giving me some tokens of appreciation. it was so public health nursing but i felt good.

upon returning home, then came the news that me and my sister are to take the turn for watching our grandma at the hospital staying through the whole night.

so i just got back with no sleep...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Yet Another Wait Again

i got a call from my aunt in london last night. she was asking me about my application. furthermore, she cautioned me to make sure that my agency is clean as they were able to read a news from their side about certain bogus agencies through internet.

i knew mine from the website. nam even told me he will check the hospital if they are really hiring overseas nurses come next month when he visits rian.

calm. composed. it was i. i never showed any signs of doubt or worry in the tone of my voice. i trust in Him. i have faith in Him.

all of the processes that i took are clearly legal and according to the standards in u.k. to add, i have not paid any centavo to the agency here. in fairness to them, they are really helpful in every step of the way even if most of the time, i am communicating with the agents in u.k.

i have heard of certain people also going to u.k. these past few months. the demand is there. pictures and testimonies are enough for me. but then again, it is better to be careful.

i will have to wait again.

It's a Wonderful World

don't you just hate it when people remember you if they need something? they can find a million of reasons to get on with you so you can do their favors.


how about not listening to something you offer as words of wisdom? at any other day, she would be begging for my advice but today, you are not just lucky charltoninho. she bangs on your face the rejection of your embarrassing advice.



i could not care much on these things. i have to. i chose to.

in believing that i can focus on turning myself into gold, i have to let go a lot of things. mostly negative in their electrical charge haha.

this song is what i am keeping my ears occupied at this moment. forget the users and the stubborn.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Flat and His Plans for Me

i really cannot comprehend the way that i am feeling lately.

grumpy. depressed. crazy.

the effects of being on a standstill are finally getting over my head. try as i might to avoid and better, channel them to positive energies, i always crumble in the end.

last night, i broke down. i cried almost by five seconds. it did good actually. the soul somehow refreshed.

today, i am a little bit positive. the thing is, you will never know until when it will last.

i have hated routines by the way. the way things are in my life right now, it is such a perfect complement to what i hate. my schedule, which is posted on a mirror, i am almost obedient to it. except for the spanish part i guess. i could not keep myself stick to it let alone watch the videos i have downloaded.

but, what do i have right now? nothing actually so i am just left with these routines and praying that one day, i can make something good out of these things that i keep myself occupied.

kuya alex has not been responding to my offline messages if the letters were sent already to uk. i supposed he did it already. hopefully, two weeks ago so i can just wait for that one letter from the mailman that could bring the best news in my life so far.

it is truly insane for me to keep myself from thinking what would be my life in uk. trust me, i have tried to keep myself from imagining things but i cannot really help it. to combat this, i am really keeping myself with nursing books as well to keep me educated about my career.

while doing my two-hour walk in our lawn last week, an inspiring thought just came up. way back in egypt, i stayed in three flats. within one year, i had known three houses that would somehow bring something important to me now. i thought i was just a person who cannot maintain amicable relationships with my housemates but then again, God somehow whispered something that would solidify my hold to His promise.

after the second falling out with my second set of housemates, i felt really bad for us. we were on the same batch but of different areas in the hospital and i guessed that this paved the way for the demise of that company. bad for us but definitely the best for me and kuya alex.

kuya alex was always around the hospital since his patients would be all over the hospital needing dialysis. in our area, around 40% of our patients are also his patients. we shared some laughs and until one day, invited me to come over their flat. the rest was history.

he is really kind and thoughtful. however, he can really be "pakialamero" that sometimes, it annoyed me. i ultimately felt at home with his company until i had to come home here in the philippines. little did i know that all of those events led me to one perfect plan made by God.

being away from egypt, i thought it was impossible for me to get my papers fixed regarding my application for u.k. i had no choice but to ask for kuya alex's help. i thought, i could have stayed with my other batches especially with mark and paulo but, i firmly believe that they would not go to the extent kuya alex has been helping me. besides, madiskarte si kuya alex to go about all the things i needed.

in an instant, i was just so thankful kay God. again, He is telling me to trust Him and all of His plans. that from the start, He had it planned for me.

it is just absolutely reassuring and comforting. for now, i just have to focus myself in being the most astute nurse and physically fit that i can be while trying to control my temperament.

Saturday, February 13, 2010



i heard somebody say that you can never be too good but a little rudeness is still too much.

it started with really a loud morning mouth from the monster. she was blabbing about having to water the plants in the morning where we, the unfortunate ones did not even take breakfast.

i mean, we could do it because the weather is just fine but hearing her talk like that? truly irritating.

so i was really off today. what added more is the attitude of the twins. lazy indeed. do they really have to ask a lot of questions? questions that are most of the time nonsense?

forgive me God... another chance please?


i am lost for something worthy to write.

it is just that i am tired of trying to fight the dynamics in the family. it is such a powerful but negative force that suctions my creative and positive side. i just cannot do it here. i need to go away. i need to escape and to build my own world again.

it is just that i am tired of waiting. waiting for that one big dream, to work somewhere else other than the middle east. i believe that if i start working, i will live again. i mean, literally and figuratively. i am so restricted to just waking up each day fulfilling my physiologic needs. it is shallow. it is maddening.

it is just that i am depressed and i feel worthless again. but not the kind that i want to kill myself. i hate these moments. really. seriously. you see, i have grown tired of channeling positive thoughts to my mind to which i cannot see change.

oh good heaven, please do something...

Friday, February 12, 2010

School of Life

in 2002, i was already deciding by this time of which school to go. it was a tough one but looking back, i have no regrets to what i did.

i am so bad with numbers or math, in particular. so when third and fourth year subjects had chemistry and physics, i was doomed to lesser ranking in the honor roll.

was i devastated? sure i was. but i knew deep inside my heart that i am more than was not easy since i was always in the top three in our first two years in high school. just imagine that unfamiliar territory that i was in back then.

after finally accepting my faith that my rank will not illuminate my success in college, i proceeded to just finish my stay at the banzali hall of our school with dignity.

to do this, i had to be accepted in schools that everybody would want to go. u.p. checked. dlsu checked. ust checked. mapua checked.

i never really knew what i wanted to take. hmm, actually, i fancied being a lawyer but my parents had to stop me since i still have my brothers who are not yet done with schooling.

left clueless about what to take now, i pondered on the thoughts of my father. he wanted me to take a course that can give me opportunities overseas. on his side, being an engineer, he wanted me to take something like information technology while on the other hand, my mother who was a midwife, wanted me to take something related to medicine. say physical therapy.

the courses that i will have to take will definitely influence the universities i am going to send my application for. u.p. was a sure ball. dlsu was always a dream school for me so it had to remain an option. the other two would have to be really good on something. so ust for the medical side and mapua for the technical side.

my classmates, especially those who were in the top ten always had u.p. in their mind. then ust and there were also some who were as ambitious as i am to try dlsu. most male classmates who had engineering on their minds went to mapua as well.

the race was on.

first hurdle was u.p. a lot were complaining actually. me? i just had to sit quietly. i did not know my chances but i felt good after the exam even if i had to burn most neurons that i have with those math problems. most classmates were all discussing about the answers in math when i was not really interested about those.

in u.p., some would opt to take a non-quota course just to get in but i did not do that. i chose u.p. manila as my first choice for campus and occupational therapy for my first choice of course offered. o.t. was a quota course so it was really tough for me. to complete the list, i had computer science (also a quota course) for the second choice then up los banos for the next choice of campus and still with computer science as my course there.

second was ust. honestly, i thought the exam was easy. why? it was because i finished 15 minutes earlier for the math subject! beat that! so here, i was really a little bit confident of my chances even if i had chosen a quota course in physical therapy.

third was dlsu. hardest and most challenging. i did not know how i was able to finish the exam since i could not even answer their sample test questions. as soon as i left the campus, i told my dad i did not make it. so goodbye to my dream school.

last was mapua. well, i almost pissed my pants with their math questions. clearly, i was not thinking when i decided to try my luck here.

you see, it was kinda unfair for u.p. and ust. i actually tried there just to see if i can make it. i just wanted to see my name among those who got accepted to those universities. all these times, my heart was really with dlsu even if i did not know exactly how to finance my college should i go there to study.

come december, first to publish the results was dlsu. i think we were about ten from the whole school who took the exam. guess what? i was the only one who got in! yay! and among those who failed the exam was my classmate who was running for the second honor! beat that bitch! well you see, i am really not that modest with this for i was badly hurting from the beating i took with math at that time.

after feeling down after i took the exam, i knew that i would not make it but surprise surprise! i got in with a quota course which was my first choice! my social climbing dreams were given a chance. but my parents were really not prepared for this.

this bitchy classmate of mine was just too much of his bragging rights. so life continued. come january, up came next. and guess what again? it was only me and our valedictorian who got in with their first choice of school and course! quota course again my dear. the others? oh they passed. but to their second choice of school and courses only.

i was really happy back then. you see, those classmates of mine who were up in the rankings were really sad and at the same time, could only marvel at my little success. to some, they were again amazed at me after failing to deliver with my chemistry and physics subjects.

jon, our valedictorian, though a long-time friend until now, was a bit unsure of my success. he even had to ask our adviser who was a u.p. economics graduate if my course was a quota one to which she responded positively. but that was nothing compared to an information that this classmate of mine who did not pass dlsu, cried again, upon knowing that he did not even pass the upcat.

let's move on to ust. i was contented already with up and dlsu but ust? it was a bonus. yes, i passed again and i was already for interview. others? oh waitlisted for their second choice. that bitch classmate of mine? waitlisted also. he was into medicine by the way. as you see, i was always very particular with this guy for he was a constant rival since my kindergarten days at our church. so there was a history.

to really spoil me, i even qualified for mapua. wow, i was really happy back then. my classmates told me they just had to cry for their failure to get in while i was only choosing on which school to go.

it was heartwarming. vindicating as well for i believe, those exams were the true test of who ranks higher. and i was right.

years forward, i never graduated in any of those schools. sad? hell no! i am just so proud of being a tamarraw in the sense that i will still go to feu if given another chance. i just realize that those things that you wanted before are really not meant for you to have.

they were meant to teach you. to shape you. it was fun feeling victorious.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


don't you just hate it when somebody gave you a buzz to chat and after responding to her, she just disappears?

you are then left wondering what happened to her. was she swallowed by earth? or what about a black hole suddenly absorbed her?

i mean she was the one who gave you buzz but it turned out you are the one waiting for an answer.

it is just plain rude to leave somebody hanging. at least, you can just say goodbye to the person because from the way i see it, it is not that difficult to say it.

fuck it!

i will never rapidly respond to a buzz.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Crazy Thoughts

i usually do not have dreams. or any that i can remember when i wake up.

probably because of my sleeping habits, i tend to go to bed when i am really sleepy. it is like the moment i hit the bed, i close my eyes and when i open them, it is already morning. a new day.

over the past few weeks, i found it strange that i happen to have a lot of dreams. or scenes that i can vividly remember.

where i work before, we have a bus service from our flats to the hospital and vice versa. but at that moment, i was walking on a street. face straight to the path, i did not give any care to the coming vehicle. as soon as the vehicle had passed, i realized it was the hospital's bus and on board are my colleagues in egypt.

in that sequence, i did not ride the bus. i firmly knew in my heart, that i do not have to ride the bus.

that was the first.

airport. departure area. the usual obsessive-compulsive that i am, i carefully checked my things. giving utmost attention to my travel documents, i waited until it was time for boarding.

that was the second.

among all other things, i had moments wherein i was already in uk, working and adjusting to the british life.

well, these are my thoughts that almost occupy my every waking moment. and whenever i see the name of my agency or uk in everywhere i go, i feel something that is burning with joy.

while i saw the 6th falling star last night from my 2-hour walk, i wished again for that one special uk dream that i have. how many times did i wish for that same thing? will it ever happen?

i tried to wipe the sweat with my shirt and then this crazy thought came to my mind again. i was wearing a hard rock t-shirt with, guess what, london as the place below the logo!

was it coincidence or what? well i really do not know. but, He knows and that is just one calming reassurance that i had to take in to sedate those dreams and thoughts that frequent my mind.

Protection From V Spirit

can someone take me to a place where it is not affected by the valentine's day spirit?

seriously. someone needs to consider our feelings.

yes, we people who are not in luck to have someone in their lives right now. but no, i am not being bitter. it is just that, we have the right to be normal at these times.

i am really confused. a lot would say that love is not to be pursued. it comes to you. then again, the real world is waiting for you to open up because as far as i am concerned, that kind of story only happens in movies.

i have seen stories of people finding love when they were not even looking. encouraged probably by His promise for me, it is the only logical thing that i can do.

there are thoughts that i keep telling myself. that i can only be in a relationship if i have resolved certain issues bugging my life.

that i should have the money to maintain it. that i need to be comfortable on my own skin. that i can break free from the boring and stiff facade that i have.

maybe it really is the arrangement. or perhaps not. oh well, i might just admit to myself that i am the dumbest person when talking about love.

however, someone needs to protect the rights of the single during these times. or else, i will need a ticket to siberia...

Monday, February 8, 2010

What is Happening?

can somebody tell me what is going on in our house? especially with my sister?

what about all that serious talks with my parents which i do not usually see? or the very late calls being made outside the house?

is she getting married? is he cheating? worst, is it over?

i really do not know.

and honestly, i do not what to say my sister should any of these thoughts of mine come to reality.

i am going crazy right now...

Half- Awake

have you ever felt doing something half-awake?

literally, i did it today. while attending our church service, i was literally half-awake.

i have always taken pride being a night-person but to do something that is way not me, that is sacrifice. thinking to whom shall i do this just made me so humble.

but Lord, forgive me for the times i was so grumpy while doing our turn in the offertory... i just don't like being caught by surprise.

please don't take this against me my dearest Father, You are all my hopes and dreams.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Usaping Bulok

galit na talaga ako. matagal ko ng pinipigilan ang sarili ko upang itago sa aking sarili kung sino ang sinusuportahan ko sa darating na halalan.

ang nasa isip ko kasi, kailangan ay nakaalis na ako sa bansa bago maghalalan. pero, hindi ko kayang pigilan ang kamangmangan ng isang kumakandidato sa pagkapangulo ukol sa mga usaping pangkalusugan.

bugbog na nga ang karamihan sa mga manggagawang pangkalusugan ng ating bansa ngunit sa ginawa mong ito, lalo mo pang inilugmok sa hindi matatawarang pagyurak sa dignidad ng mga bayaning kadalasan ay kinakalimutan at pinapabayaan.

ang cheap mo. gumagamit ka ng mga patalastas na nagapakita ng iyong kababawan. yan lang ba ang magagawa mo? ang manglait ng mga health centers ng bansa? tanong ko lang senator, nakapunta ka na ba sa isang health center sa isang barangay?

ano nga ba ang alam mo? at puwede ba, hindi ang iyong mga magulang ang magpapatakbo ng ating bansa kung ikaw man ay manalo. ikaw, na siyang nakakulong sa isang marangal na pangalan, ang magmamando ng bansang laging nahaharap sa mga mahihirap na sitwasyon.

alam mo ba kung anong mga serbisyo ang naibibigay ng ating mga health center sa harap ng napakaliit na budget at napakahirap na working conditions?

alam mo ba na sa pamamagitan ng mga bulok na health centers ay nakakapagpabakuna ang mga sanggol at mga bata na siyang nagbibigay ng proteksyon laban sa mga nakakahawa at nakakamatay na sakit? libre iyon senador, para lahat ng tao, lalo na ang mga mahihirap ay makatanggap ng serbisyong ito.

alam mo ba na sa pamamagitan ng mga bulok na health centers ay nakakapagpacheck up ang mga kababayan nating mahihirap na hindi biniyayaan ng mga hacienda para malaman ang kanilang kondisyong pangkalusugan? may mga doktor diyan na nagtitiyaga kahit mababa ang sahod at napakarami ang kanilang dapat paglingkuran.

alam mo ba na sa pamamagitan ng mga bulok na health centers ay nagkakaroon ng iba't ibang serbisyong pangkalusugan tulad ng dental at pangnutrisyon? lumabas ka sa mga bulok na health centers na ito at ang mga mahihirap na mamamayan ng ating bansa ay hindi na kayang kumuha ng mga serbisyong ito sa mga ospital.

alam mo ba na bilang senador, may kapangyarihan ka para mabago ang sistema ng ating pambansang pangkalusugan? kung ang iyong oras, pera at panahon ay ibinuhos mo sa pagsusuri at paggawa ng mga solusyon para sa problemang pangkalusugan ng ating bansa, malaki ang mababago nito imbes na sa mga napakacheap at classless na rap songs sa iyong patalastas.

puweda ba, tigilan na ang pamumuna sa mga problema ng bayan. hindi namin kailangan ng mga pagpapaalala ng mga araw araw naming hinaharap. kung meron mang nangangailangan nito, ikaw yon senador.

hindi namin kailangan ang paggamit ng mga artista at ng kung sinu sinong mga personalidad para makumbinse mo kami na iboto ka. ang kailangan namin ay isang tao na maninindigan at magsasakatuparan ng kung ano ang dapat na isinakatuparan noon pa.

iyan lang ba ang kaya mo? linisin mo muna ang iyong bakuran. masyado kang nagmamalinis. dahil ba sa iyong mga magulang? magtigil ka. hindi ang mga namayapa mong magulang ang magtatanggol samin.

nangunguna ka man sa mga survey, hindi ito ang dapat maging panukat ng ating mga kababayan. huwag tayong magpadala sa popularidad. huwag ding magpadala sa mga emosyon o awa na nararamdaman sa isang kumakandidato.

kailangan suriin ang bawat salitang namumutawi. mahirap na baka mabulok pa tayo lalo at mangailangan ng bulok na serbisyo mula sa bulok na health centers.

nakakahiya naman sa bulok na senador.


and so i over-reacted. i guess it was that moment that i had to go through to finally see how will i do should i go to uk in the future.

i believe that i did just fine. while drinking red wine, i had my family around me so i was just still at my comfort zone with the occasional friends of our family chatting with my parents.

kuya alex finally sent a copy of the reference forms that i have been asking him to help me accomplish. they are the last forms that are needed to be submitted for uk.

if God willing, after the nursing council in uk have received those forms, i will be waiting for the decision letter that i am now able to take the overseas nurses program. it is actually a bridging program for nurses trained overseas outside the european union.

then comes the visa and finally, arrangement of my flight to uk. oh God, i leave it all to You...

i pray that on or before march, i am already in the uk. got to help the family with regards to our finances and of course, i need to be doing something worthy.

to tell you honestly, i have come to love my profession now. seriously. after all the experiences that i had be it happy or sad, all took their part in molding me.

i can still remember before i went to egypt, i was really yearning for a job. when i got in egypt, boy was it a lot of work for me to take! i lost 12 kgs during my first month! and so, right now, i am taking things as they are.

enjoying every opportunity that i can, i am thinking of doing the things i might not be able to do if i will be leaving soon for uk.

over-reaction is i believe a way to protect our ego which is on the brink of a self-predicted doom. but sometimes, it is grounded in just pure thoughts. thoughts of uncertainty. of the unknown.

in the end, i am learning. all lessons learned are written on this blog of mine. my adventures, failures and little joys and successes are all here.

but i just hope not to over-react again. ever.

Let's See

no! no! and did i say no?

okay, i am over-reacting again. how am i supposed to react about this?

you see, i was invited to a dinner later with a family friend of ours. truth is, i never really enjoyed the company of any of our family friends.

scared probably. honestly, the introvert me is really there. worst, i cannot even loosen up with them. oh God, help me please?

last time i was with them, i can still remember myself wiping my sweaty forehead after 4 attempts of having to inject a medicine intravenously, take this, without a tourniquet!

to add to the injury, i was always being asked if i already have a girlfriend. hello pressure? hello embarrassment?

it is not that i do not want to share the little that i know. or the experiences that i had gone through. but, i don't know. a lot of hesitations on my part probably because i am afraid of being judged or thought of as a lesser person.

i have always been the silent type, well, with new people. my friends who truly know me are sometimes bewildered how i can transform from a sheep to a wolf sometimes.

it is not that i wear a facade. again, i am just being a no-nonsense person, sometimes. this i would like to believe and to tell myself.

the good heaven maybe is trying to answer my wish, that i become a more sociable person.

well, let's see.

Get Busy

being the obsessive-compulsive that i am, i decided that i should have order with the affairs of my not-so-busy life.

i was always complaining that my life is becoming nothing but boring when in reality, i really wanted to do something great. perhaps try something new.

i always crave for order. for system. that is why, having a schedule for my daily activities will help me avoid watching senseless videos. those that corrupt my not-so-innocent mind.


i am trying to learn spanish. still a lot to learn but it is a great start for me.

i am reading some nursing books again. right now, i am but thirsty for more knowledge.

i just finished reading the street lawyer by john grisham and the prisoner in a red rose chain by jeffrey moore. both i have enjoyed reading.

i am starting to enjoy watching soccer. before, i am so bored watching men run after a ball for much of the whole game. little by little, i am enjoying the adventure of having to get through tough defense just to get the ball to the goal. i especially love the spanish national team. vamos espana! go for the world cup this year!


my temper? i'm keeping it controlled for the most part. i just can't understand why my sister get into my nerves so easy. but, i am doing all i can.

even with the twins, i am gonna keep it low for now and as long as i can. it just comes to a point in my life that i am tired all of these resistance from what i cannot seem to change.

even with my mom i supposed. surprisingly, i seem to tolerate her this week. i hope it continues.


with all of these things, i wonder what's in store for me next week? i guess i have to keep doing what i do good and to stop doing that makes me bad.

pray more i guess for that one dream that i have been dreaming for. eat less. continue my 2-hour walk in our lawn. go outside my room more often. sing more and smile a lot.

and as for the second life lesson that i shall try to cover as well starting this month is learning.

now i am starting to get busy...

Friday, February 5, 2010

A Disease Called Doubt

doubts are really nuisances in life.

they cripple you. they have this certain effect of making you weak psychologically and emotionally that really can shake to whatever you hold dear to your heart.

sometimes, they come from stimuli to the where you are living. they can be fatal and they can be real.

however, it all depends on us. us, letting them into our hearts.

our faith is programmed to combat doubts as long we nurture our hold to His graces and promises.


this is in response to what He had made me realize today. that His plan for me is still there, on its way as somebody made an update through an email.

yes, a simple email but it really made a difference.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


the day was not good for me.

you see, i have detested the temper of my mom and honestly, i fear that i may have gotten that outbursts of her deadly wrath.

this is what i have been trying to achieve. yesterday, my sister and i were really not in good terms. i don't know if it was me or her attitude towards work and life in general.

i have gotten to where i am basically on my own efforts. independent, i have never really depended on anyone with the way i deal upon my schooling or life. maybe for direction but that was it with parents. well to some extent, my sister.

i am the opposite of my siblings. free-spirited, adventurous, somehow street-smart and did i say independent? at times, i believe that i am the most "gala" of my siblings.

my sister? emotional but thinks too much of things that have not yet happened or things that may not happen at all. time and time, i always tell her to just cross the river when she gets there.

she also would like to ask for the approval of other people. at 26, my mom is a "bit" paranoid of having her chaperoned whenever she meets her boyfriend. to this, i believe she has lived to this setup as when she goes to see prospective employers, i always tag along.

that would be okay provided she prepares well. i might be too harsh but i believe that she sees what i have been doing when i apply for job. i bring all my things and really prepare very well as if i am to embark on a war in iraq.

i did not bring to her the past issue of her not bringing all of the credentials when one day, i helped her go to the makati area to apply for work only to find out she was lacking in a lot of the requirements. that is history for me but she, having some reservations and hesitations had me at my nerves.

straightforward, i told her that what her problem is that she hesitates a lot. that she never took things into her heart thus the half-hearted efforts to achieve what she wants (if she really knew what she wanted).

i am sorry ate if i was downright cruel but you see, i will not be with you always. you have to make your move and take matters in your own hand.

most often than not, i see that you are afraid. afraid to commit mistakes and fail but those are just part of our journey. i too have experienced those though they may not seem visible in your eyes since i prefer to suffer and weep alone or with the comfort of my friends.

in truth, i just want you to be independent. not minding the futile ordeals of people's mouths that seemed to be connected straight to their rectum, just go on and have fun. do not be afraid for i have always proven that God is always able.

i wish you good luck and i hope that you soar overseas.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


sana mu dyang misan, eka mamasa kareng aliwang tau kareng kekang desisyun o nung nanung buri mu.

matwa naka, pangane ka pa nga e. oras na para talakad ka kareng paniwalan mu. ing problema kasi keka mayna ka lub.

mimisip kang agad adyang ala pa. mamroblema naka epa man milyari. ana ka pang kaburing magpabukas.

nung buri me talaga ing metung a bage, pagsikapan me. lagi dana kang sosopan. aku namu laging tatanggap kareng problema mu.

pero pag aku, aku ngan. sarili ku mu. ala ku mang pupuntalan nung aliwa deng kaluguran ku na dapat sana ika ing metung kareng pwede kung lapitan.

sasawa naku teng. masosora naku. potang pakisabyan daka minsan, ana kang kayna boses. mabubuwisit ku kasi ikang makaramdam keng sarili mu!

pag mamako ka, buri mu atin ka laging abe. kabang aku, akung dili maglakad kareng papeles ku.

grow up! stand up!

Monday, February 1, 2010

2. Learning

i would not want to go with the cliche. it is already given but truth be told that doing it is quite challenging.

learning that is.

now i would like to think that i am an intellectual being. much to what i ascribe as my little success came with hard work and my intelligence if i have any.

you see, when i graduated, my passion for learning has somehow dwindled. in a profession that continues to evolve, learning how to learn is a must.

each day, a new research finding changes the course of our practice and with each new finding is a decay on my stock knowledge.

skills are another issue. when you have the knowledge, it should be coupled with skills for one must learn how to apply the principles learned for utilization and realization of a scientific truth.

attitude is a third one. oh i am such a failure at this aspect! not minding my tendencies to deviate from the normal, i still have much to learn and to live by.

some literary finds? checked. nursing books? checked (though half-heartedly haha). nursing journals? checked. new language? spanish checked. how about some friendly and cheerful vibes? checked. social opening? checked.

well i will have to re-evaluate from time to time.

and as for this second month of the year, i vow to learn and to continue to learn. it should come to me now that learning has always been my friend and my lover when no one stood to care for me.