i really cannot comprehend the way that i am feeling lately.
grumpy. depressed. crazy.
the effects of being on a standstill are finally getting over my head. try as i might to avoid and better, channel them to positive energies, i always crumble in the end.
last night, i broke down. i cried almost by five seconds. it did good actually. the soul somehow refreshed.
today, i am a little bit positive. the thing is, you will never know until when it will last.
i have hated routines by the way. the way things are in my life right now, it is such a perfect complement to what i hate. my schedule, which is posted on a mirror, i am almost obedient to it. except for the spanish part i guess. i could not keep myself stick to it let alone watch the videos i have downloaded.
but, what do i have right now? nothing actually so i am just left with these routines and praying that one day, i can make something good out of these things that i keep myself occupied.
kuya alex has not been responding to my offline messages if the letters were sent already to uk. i supposed he did it already. hopefully, two weeks ago so i can just wait for that one letter from the mailman that could bring the best news in my life so far.
it is truly insane for me to keep myself from thinking what would be my life in uk. trust me, i have tried to keep myself from imagining things but i cannot really help it. to combat this, i am really keeping myself with nursing books as well to keep me educated about my career.
while doing my two-hour walk in our lawn last week, an inspiring thought just came up. way back in egypt, i stayed in three flats. within one year, i had known three houses that would somehow bring something important to me now. i thought i was just a person who cannot maintain amicable relationships with my housemates but then again, God somehow whispered something that would solidify my hold to His promise.
after the second falling out with my second set of housemates, i felt really bad for us. we were on the same batch but of different areas in the hospital and i guessed that this paved the way for the demise of that company. bad for us but definitely the best for me and kuya alex.
kuya alex was always around the hospital since his patients would be all over the hospital needing dialysis. in our area, around 40% of our patients are also his patients. we shared some laughs and until one day, invited me to come over their flat. the rest was history.
he is really kind and thoughtful. however, he can really be "pakialamero" that sometimes, it annoyed me. i ultimately felt at home with his company until i had to come home here in the philippines. little did i know that all of those events led me to one perfect plan made by God.
being away from egypt, i thought it was impossible for me to get my papers fixed regarding my application for u.k. i had no choice but to ask for kuya alex's help. i thought, i could have stayed with my other batches especially with mark and paulo but, i firmly believe that they would not go to the extent kuya alex has been helping me. besides, madiskarte si kuya alex to go about all the things i needed.
in an instant, i was just so thankful kay God. again, He is telling me to trust Him and all of His plans. that from the start, He had it planned for me.
it is just absolutely reassuring and comforting. for now, i just have to focus myself in being the most astute nurse and physically fit that i can be while trying to control my temperament.