Monday, January 31, 2011

Second Home

It was 2008 when I left for Egypt. Jobless for more than a year, the chance to work did not give me doubts to work in a foreign land. I was always asked if Egypt was safe. The answer was always a strong yes.

Though three years have passed, my heart still beats for Egypt. I will always be thankful for Egypt. It was in this place that I had my first experience working. As a nurse and as an overseas worker. My stay in Egypt gave me a lot of first that are imprinted in my personality.

The things that are happening back there make me sad. However, I really feel that they need to undergo this transition. It is just that, it needs to be done peacefully. My friends are still there. Filipinos or Egyptians, they are all my friends and even if my time with my former employee was not really easy, I still do care for them.

My thoughts and prayers for you Egypt.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Ang Mahiwagang Atay

hanggang saan ang iyong katakawan?

aaminin ko, it is in my blood. ang katakawan that is. so thank you mom for the genes that make my belly and man boobs big with every cup of rice taken. actually, hindi lang genes e. pati ang lahi ko.

i am proud to be a kapampangan. sa pagiging kapampangan, namana ko din ang pagiging appreciative of good food. and again, thank you mom sa masarap na pagkain.



kaso, the past few years, nagiging conscious nako sa mga kinakain ko. ang hirap lang pag nasa bahay kasi hindi ka pwedeng mag-inarte sa mga nakahain. isang malaking violation ang pagsasabi na masyadong maraming unsaturated fats o sadyang hindi complex carbs ang aming kinakain. or kulang sa fiber.

sa tuwing sasabihan kami na masama ang hindi kumakain (kahit busog pa), gusto kong ipamukha sa lahat na ako ay isang dakilang nurse at marapat lamang na pakinggan ako ukol sa mga nutritional wisdom na aking sasabihin. pero hindi. ako ay isang anak lamang na lumalamon ng libre.

in the end, wala pa rin akong lusot. nasa sa akin pa rin ang control. particularly ng aking katakawan na siyang nagdulot ng abnormal findings sa aking medical exam.

dahil medyo natanga ako sa paniniwala sa aking ever supportive na friend na si mark na kahit hindi fasting pwedeng magpamedical exam, kumain ako. but wait, hindi lang simpleng kain. isang heavy na breakfast!

at ito ang alamat ng mataas na liver enzymes.

Sail Away

drained and weak.

of all the words we have, these two could best describe the way i feel for the past week. for one, i have chosen to sail away from the safe harbor. i have chosen to do the unplanned. to follow my true calling.

and in this decision, my life had these sudden changes that i can only close my eyes and utter a prayer that i may be able to handle it with courage.



so now, where to go Captain?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Becoming Ryan

it was through nam that i met him. well, online that is. until they came over here in the philippines and my life was never the same.

i was not pervy. the type of person who will always comment on blogs to get the blogger's attention. or for that blogger to follow me. while me and nam would chat, he was just there. attracting me to finish reading his entries in two straight nights.

was it the idea of me being able to reach my dreams as well? or the dominant mothers that we have? possibly the occasional emotional meltdown. perhaps the insecurities that plague us every once in a while.

or probably the drama that defines every moment of our lives.

it was actually surprising that in one of our conversations, we have both realized that we are actually the same. he stated that i was actually the "Ryan" few years back and me telling him that i think i will be like him.

but there are exceptions.

like him, being a social butterfly. (i just heard nam and ryan puke for hearing this word a billion times.) he socializes easily with people. he is just plain nice. and flirty haha which passes as his charm to dominating the whole world.

he also sings! which, unfortunately, is not the same situation for me.

he is so health conscious that my man boobs would be embarrassed in seeing his fit body.

when we met on a one lovely night, his accent won't register in my ears. i was like an old computer with an old microprocessor when trying to respond to him.

to tell you honestly, i'd like to embrace that thought. that i will be like him in the future.

professional at work. determined to finish every task given. these things are actually okay with me.

but to be fun loving, spontaneous and unafraid to love oneself and others will be challenging for me.

i guess i need to shave my head first just like him.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Anong Gusto Mo?

nagsimba na lang ako after manood ng game. natuwa naman ako kasi both feu volleyball teams e panalo.

for a certain moment, i felt relieved. well, not only for a moment but for the whole day. na nagtuloy until today. this is the reason kung bakit nag-aattend ako ng church service dito sa manila instead sa pampanga.

pagkatapos magchurch, bumisita kami sa dad ng isang kaibigan sa high school na sumailalim sa isang surgical procedure. nagturo ako ng post-operative exercises kasi ang mga nurses sa ospital na iyon e walang itinuro.

wala ni isa sa mga kapatid ng kaibigan ko ang may medical background. todo demo dito. todo health teachings doon.

nurse na nurse lang.

pag-uwi ko, umuwi ako nang may ngiti sa labi. naisip ko lang, sige, okay nang mabugbog ako sa sermon ng magulang basta malusog lang sila.

mas gugustuhin ko na atang pag-initan nila ako kesa tahimik sila at nasa banig ng karamdaman.

Istatwa

sunday, 5:30 am. kalahati pa lang ng ulirat ko ang gising. mindlessly, kumakain ako ng cereals at panaka-nakang nag-aayos ng gamit para sa pagluwas ko sa maynila.

dad: bakit ang aga mong umaalis?

ako: may pupuntahan ako.

dad: work-related ba yan? dapat pag work-related wag mo ng gawin pag weekends. dapat priority mo ang pagsisimba.

naging mahaba ang aming argumento. napunta sa puntong sinabi ko na ayaw ko ang crowd sa simabahan namin at ang mga tao mismong kasama kong nagsisimba ang nagsisirian.

ang siste, hindi ko raw dapat pinapakialaman yun. mas dapat kong pag-igihan ang pagiging mabuting tao.

i felt like i was already at the church hearing the sermon of the pastor.

so i just kept silent. or the doom of the third world war will come at the halls of our house.

pati ang hindi ko raw pagbisita para magmano sa kanyang side. na porke ba mahirap daw sila at hindi na ako nag-abalang magpunta?

wala naman akong sinabing ganun. ang hindi lang nila alam, ayaw ko lang maramdaman ang maging unwanted. ang maging out of place. ang hindi kausapin o kuwentuhan ng hindi tungkol sa trabaho o kung ano ang pwede kong aplayan para sa nasira kong pangarap na makapunta sa u.k.

madami pang dahilan kung bakit ayaw kong pumunta.

natigalgal ako honestly. nawala sa sarili. nabigla. pero tumuloy pa rin ako sa aking pagluwas. dumirecho ako sa san juan para manood ng volleyball games. imbes na sa may n.domingo lang ang halaga ng pamasahe ko, hindi ako nakatanggi ng ibigay ang ticket sa akin na katumbas ng pamasahe hanggang robinson's galleria.

habang nagseserve ang mga manlalaro, para akong istatwa na tulala sa isang tabi. for sure, apektado ako. at there goes my self-esteem. down in the depths of the earth.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Old

Dumadalas ang pagshashave ko. Sa tantiya ko, dati, every two weeks kung magshave ako ng balbas. Lately, nagiging every three days.

Napapansin ko din na mas nagiging prominent ang aking adam’s apple. Two years ago, hindi siya actually and partly, yun ata ang dahilan kung bakit parang pambabae ang boses ko.

Nitong mga nagdaang araw, hindi ko na naman makontrol ang pagkain ko. Mas maaga din akong matulog at madalas, inaantok sa trabaho.

Dahil siguro ito sa mga bagay na pinagdadaanan ko. Sa mga desisyon na dapat kong gawin. I feel I’m getting old.

Magpabotox na kaya ako?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Left

alam niyo, marami ng beses na umalis ako at may naiwanang mga tao.

pero teka, puro sa trabaho o sa school lang naman. mas maganda sana kung meron sa pag-ibig. konting drama lang diba? kaso wala talaga.

nagsabi na kasi ako sa isang head namin sa office na hindi na ako pipirma ng regularization papers. konting assuming lang ulit na mareregular ako next month haha.

inamin ko na may mas magandang opportunity saken at pigil na pigil siyang umiyak. well, i think i made my mark kahit minsan lumalabas ang pangil ko sa isang officemate na itawag nalang natin sa pangalang BOTCHA.

mabait naman kasi itong isang head ng office namen. professional. calm. at matalino. siya talaga yung tao sa office na hindi ako nagdalawang isip na kausapin.

may common ground pa kami: ang La Salle! isang tunay na Lasalista kaya't hindi ako nahirapang makisama sa kanya.

ang trabaho ko ngayon ay nagsisilbing training at transition ground. madami naman akong natutunan. sa operations. sa quality assurance. sa pagtatrabaho sa pilipinas. sa office politics. sa buhay commuter.

may isang katangi-tanging pahayag ang pantas na si ryan. na ang tulad ko ay hindi nagtatagal sa hawla ng ating bansa. ang tulad ko ay lumilipad sa buong mundo. saan kaya ako dadalhin ng aking mga pakpak?

sa ngayon, walang konkretong plano. nadala na ako dati sa pagtataguyod ng mga planong nauuwi sa basura.

this year, bago ang na ang lahat.

*******************************************************

nagkita kami ni mark pagkatapos ng isang taon na iniwanan ko siya sa egypt. ang pagiging cold at malayo niya sa akin ay nag-udyok sa akin na pabayaan na lamang siya.

fast forward now, hindi makatingin ng direcho ang ka-close kung head.

must be hard being left behind. well, i should know nung umalis sina benj at karen.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Friday

these are the things on my mind right now:

1.) to leave or to stay at my current job

2.) documents to be fixed and how to take a leave from my job to do it

3.) the money to do numbers 1 and 2.



i could use a friday now...

*photo taken here.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Je Ne Regrette Rien (I Regret Nothing)

so there, i signed! and today, i have decided that i will leave this post to pursue my true calling!

this year has started so fast and the things that have happened are quite unbelievable. but this time, my decisions are entirely mine so if i fuck up, there is no one to blame but me.

all are unplanned and i guess, this works for me.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Bridge



i am about to cross the bridge that will lead me out of the troubles of the past.

new days are coming.

Ang Mensahe

Right now, I am waiting for a text message that will somehow change my life.

Ganito kasi yun, kahapon, nainterview ako para sa isang trabaho overseas. With some old colleaguess, nakarating kami ng venue before 6:00 am. Mind you, yesterday was January 2 and people are still on the vacation mode.

But since we are that desperate enough to have work and leave the Las Islas Pilipinas, wala kaming naging paki kung anung petsa at oras gagawin ang interview.

Malamig pa at madalim pero madami ng mga nurses ang nakapila. Oathtaking ba ito? Ito ang tanong namin ng mga kasamahan ko sa sobrang dami ng mga pinoy nurses ang naghahanap ng trabaho.

Naghintay kami siguro ng mahigit sampung oras bago nasalang sa interview. Mga Arabo ulit. Panel ang style ng interview. Naramadaman ko ulit ang bangis ng aming oral revalida nung araw. Mag-aaral ng daan- daang procedures ng hindi mo alam kung ano ang itatanong sayo. Nagfocus ako sa mga topics about intensive care unit. Sa loob ng isang oras, natapos ko atang basahing ang 400 pages na librong Critical Care Nursing.

Hindi ako nagpakabitch sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Mahirap nang makarma at makasama sa huli ang mga taong sinungitan mo. I was there playing on same ground. Walang may alam kung ano ang chances sa pagkakatanggap sa trabaho.

Pagkasalang ko, I tried my best to use ang pambihirang charm na meron ako according to my frenemy na itago natin sa pangalang Mark Kevin. Tinanong lang naman sa akin ang pangalan ng mga doctor na nakatrabaho ko sa Ehipto pagkatapos marinig ang pinanggalingan kong ospital. Nakakatuwa kahit papano na alam nila ang Dar. Maya-maya, sinagot ko ang nag-iisang sagot nila.

Kwais daw ako. Meaning good. Isang papuri na masasabi kong nagpalaki ng chances para makasama sa trabaho. Pero, hangga’t hindi dumarating ang text message na magsasabi ng Congratulations, hindi muna ako magsasaya.

On the second day of this year, I did something bold. I guess I am on the right track.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

With

happy new year!

let us start anew.

with hope. that in knowing the uncertainty of life, there is still that light that will get us through the events of this new year.

with faith. that in believing God's wisdom, we are perfectly fine. yesterday. today. tomorrow.

with prayer. that for every moment in our lives, a prayer is a must.

with love. that in living, it is one of our goals to beam with love.



all the best!