You Just Don't Know

when that endeavor of yours strains your relationship with yourself and with other people, it means that something is not good. it may be that endeavor itself or the way you handle yourself. either way, i have not yet figured it out and it makes me sick.

right now, i feel so nauseated to the point of dizziness and throwing up. but i opted to blog rather than comfort myself in the wash room. i think it is the stress again that is taking its toil on me.

few minutes ago, i was in a heated argument with my dad. to tell you, we never really argue before. it is just now that things are a little bit off for us. specifically, me against my parents. usually, i will be more tolerable of my dad and with the way he expresses himself towards me but then again, i really felt that it is too much for me.

again, it was about the papers for u.k. he was asking me a lot of questions. it frustrated me since he is thinking of contacting impossible people. like the agency where i went so i can have that work in egypt. i never really told anybody in the family that this agency was involved in some dirty tactics. like overcharging applicants. like really not disclosing full details. it made me frustrated as i felt that urging for me to deal with these people again. i am just tired of asking help from these people who are really uncertain of their relationship with me. and if i ever did ask help from them, i am all alone in the whole process.

i said that i am just being realistic here and you just don't know how hard for me to try and do these things all over again. i am always alone with these things. it is just now that they are starting to get involved in the real sense since they feel that i am already giving up. but then, their being involved warrants my participation of course and that my friends, makes me vomit in stress and in disappointment of their empty persistence.

they actually told jonah that they want me there and since they have already invested a lot. i was bewildered to the fact that as if i did not want to be there. i do and it kills me now that i can sense the possibility of me not going there. there was never a day in these eight months that i have not wanted to be there. that was a false accusation. for them again to account all the expenses, i have nothing to say. if you feel like i have wasted your money, please bear with me. be reminded though that i will never forget this as if your always shoving us with the fact that we owe you was never potent.

you always wanted for the easy way. with a little investment, you demand a bigger return. have you ever asked me how i felt towards all these? how about when i get home after a day worth of applying to different offices and trying to sell myself? how about when i get rejected? you never really asked about me. all you ask is the progress of my application and every time you ask for updates, it irritates me. always rushing and putting the pressure. it was also not enough for you to enjoy it in silence so you decided to tell it in the whole world that i am going. but, surprise, surprise! all seems to be unsure and now you cannot bear the fact to attend other people's despedida because you are kinda hurt plus embarrassed about my situation.

i really wanted to tell you dad that i had enough and if all will continue, i might be sick due to stress. seriously dad. you think i am not giving all my efforts towards achieving this but you just don't know how i wanted this. in between all my desires to travel and experience new things is the desire to work and help my siblings and then you. but the way you see my eagerness to look for another options just breaks my heart.

described as the hardest trial by someone, i know i can overcome this. and please, do not ever think that i don't pray that much. you just don't know.