Kimerald ('Til My Heartaches End)

my hope for a sense of normalcy just died.

while nam was busy probing my "supposed-to-be love interest" , i was trying to pursue someone. yes nam, i am finally blogging it and i will tell you this: you are certainly wrong as this entry would prove it and you can read "H-I-S" blog as well.

but the pursuing ends here as the person is in a relationship right now.

i thought my heart was going to explode yesterday. well, i am exaggerated cause i am still here.

seriously, i was really down yesterday. while i was counting all the soiled linens in the back station of the hospital, i counted my way towards recovery. oh the poor soul! no matter how many times i counted the stock, circulating and on-bed linens, my heart won't settle with the fact that the person is in a relationship.

maybe, it was too early. or i was just conceited. probably, i never saw it. the delayed response to text messages. my unanswered calls. my removal from this person's friends list in facebook only to be requested to be a friend again this week. then the relationship status.

i. hate. this.

there are enough reasons why i stay out of love. i admit, it can get so lonely and the nights so cold. but i hate this: the feeling that your world is so rosy and then suddenly, it becomes a world of heartbreaks.

as i have told you nam, i have only been to mutual understandings. never been to any relationship. call me coward. or probably too ideal. maybe shitty with relationships. i don't know anything about it other than those i have watched in dawson's creek, skins and other foreign series. or from the books that i have read. (can i include aesop's fables?)

someone will perk me up and the excitement grows. but only for some time. then it goes off with a natural death.

for a time now, i have convinced myself that i am fine with this- being single and alone. however, my age cannot escape the scourge of being stuck with erikson's theory of intimacy versus isolation stage. i fear being unable to progress with my life's developmental stage as i see classmates celebrating the birthdays of their kids.

to this, i will have to end this post. as my expectations for love also ended. i guess i am better now. and this is what is making me single all this time: i recover easily and can convince myself that i do not need somebody...