Thursday, November 18, 2010

Kimerald ('Til My Heartaches End)

my hope for a sense of normalcy just died.

while nam was busy probing my "supposed-to-be love interest" , i was trying to pursue someone. yes nam, i am finally blogging it and i will tell you this: you are certainly wrong as this entry would prove it and you can read "H-I-S" blog as well.

but the pursuing ends here as the person is in a relationship right now.

i thought my heart was going to explode yesterday. well, i am exaggerated cause i am still here.

seriously, i was really down yesterday. while i was counting all the soiled linens in the back station of the hospital, i counted my way towards recovery. oh the poor soul! no matter how many times i counted the stock, circulating and on-bed linens, my heart won't settle with the fact that the person is in a relationship.

maybe, it was too early. or i was just conceited. probably, i never saw it. the delayed response to text messages. my unanswered calls. my removal from this person's friends list in facebook only to be requested to be a friend again this week. then the relationship status.

i. hate. this.

there are enough reasons why i stay out of love. i admit, it can get so lonely and the nights so cold. but i hate this: the feeling that your world is so rosy and then suddenly, it becomes a world of heartbreaks.

as i have told you nam, i have only been to mutual understandings. never been to any relationship. call me coward. or probably too ideal. maybe shitty with relationships. i don't know anything about it other than those i have watched in dawson's creek, skins and other foreign series. or from the books that i have read. (can i include aesop's fables?)

someone will perk me up and the excitement grows. but only for some time. then it goes off with a natural death.

for a time now, i have convinced myself that i am fine with this- being single and alone. however, my age cannot escape the scourge of being stuck with erikson's theory of intimacy versus isolation stage. i fear being unable to progress with my life's developmental stage as i see classmates celebrating the birthdays of their kids.

to this, i will have to end this post. as my expectations for love also ended. i guess i am better now. and this is what is making me single all this time: i recover easily and can convince myself that i do not need somebody...


rian said...

never say never....

the right person will come along... and you'll know it when it is right.

as for NAM, is he bullying you?!!!!!!! lol

Charltoninho said...

very justin bieber!

im done with all that sh*t rian. one of the reasons why i am here blogging about being a loser.

nam and i just had a secret conversation haha. we just talked about life in general...

rian said...

you ... a loser? hmmmm..... rethink!

im going through the same shit but... im hopeful....