Diary Notes 001

dear diary,

sunday

it was alright. church sermon was fine. i just hope i did not lose my temper over staying too long at my lola's house. i just felt out of place again. i slept my way through the morning after the breakfast that we had. the afternoon was spent on running around the house. it felt good. i really wanted to be skinny. and physically fit. i hope i can make it.

monday

it was all saints' day. as per family tradition, all of us had to go to the cemetery on both sides of my parents. i only have my grandma (mother side) who is well and alive. i was just a bit disappointed on my dad's decision to all do the visit on one day. last year, we went to the cemetery on the 31st of october to visit my dad's side so i was just a little sad since i had to go to manila on the same day in the afternoon.

morning was spent on my mom's side. we were early and so it was nice since there were only few people visiting. i was just uncomfortable with what i wore. saw my second cousins and i was not really happy meeting them. i don't know why. after the visit, had a great lunch at my grandma's house. sobrang baboy ko ulit.

the afternoon was entirely different. it was raining really hard and had difficulty in getting our things out of the car. my sister and i wanted to pay respect early on but my parents had other things in mind. in the end, i was so pissed because i was tired of carrying things from the cemetery to the car and the rain won't stop from destroying my day. the trip back to manila gave me inner peace. i was alone again.

tuesday

i was standing all day at work! i did data collection again for a study i cannot find the significance. it was all the idea of my supervisor. i can feel the tension now between me and my supervisor. good thing, i was away from the office the whole day and being with nurses and doctors made me feel comfortable. it was in this day that made me realize that i really love nursing.

wednesday

nothing significant. work is getting boring for me. tuesday's realization made me think of applying for a job again in egypt. but, i did not send my resume. still thinking. i felt that what i am doing right now does not contribute anything to me professionally.

thursday

sumabog nako sa supervisor ko. gagawa ng metrics ng hindi clear. ayaw ko ng paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya. hindi ngumingiti kapag nakikipag-usap samen o kahit sa area. hindi siya clear sa explanation niya and nag-assume na kung ano ang nasa isip niya e yun din ang nasa amin. nakakaasar! ang key results area ko hindi nasusunod to think wala akong formal trainig sa work. sabak ako agad sa mga studies. nakaka-asar lang dahil hindi siya kaaya-ayang katrabaho. why can't we have nice people at work? if all office mates are nice, then we can all be productive. i finally decided that i will stay in this position for a year. i have to lay out all the projects and do the things expected of me. i really miss nursing!

friday

work was a bit better because it was payday! yay! my mind was not at work. i was less productive. i have tried controlling my temper and had more patience while dealing with her. i was full of positivity!

saturday

spent mostly on bed sleeping after i took an anti-allergy medicine that made me drowsy. ate crabs, shrimps and okoy! for the win!

had a little argument with my brother and i wished that i can have my own room in manila. i am getting suffocated with conflicts between the two.


you know what, i feel like my life has been dying. i have no real friends whom i can talk to personally. i have no social life. i wake up to go to work and go home to sleep in preparation for another day at work. i have no hobby. i have no inspiration. i have no zest in life.

so what to do now? i feel like i do not have much of a choice but to deal with life's offerings. i know that people may say that all is up to me. a matter of perspective and making the right choices. i feel like i am powerless. i hope it will change.

so for now, you are my only friend, so stay with me diary.

always,

charl