do you ever think of the things you could have done? or how about the person who you could have been?
i did. and i always do.
benj makes me think like this: that my life is just the tip of the iceberg. a lot of excitement and adventure awaits me should i let go of the shell that houses the true me.
i admit. i am that stiff, always-afraid to make a fool of myself, insecure and trying to be perfect. i try hard. i laugh cautiously. i worry a lot. hence, i got no love for myself.
most of the day, i am at work but i feel so alone trying to handle its demands. i am surrounded by girls. my boss? well he exists in a different realm.
i grew up mostly with women. my mom, sister and aunt. my dad? he was often overseas working. thing is, he did not made effort to be close with me. nor did he ever introduced me to things a father teaches his son. i felt like his major concern was to provide us financially. and now that he is at home, nothing is changed. the alienation of a son to his father continues.
dominant. that is my mom. i guess it can be attributed to the fact that my dad was always never at home while growing up. she'd control things. even the littlest detail that identify me. she'd prevent me from spending time with my cousins. she'd always say that i am always having good times. i guess this is the reason why i never indulge myself to the happiness that a moment offers. i always have this control button to prevent myself from being too much.
i never played sports. my parents thought it would distract my concentration towards my studies. now i know why i can't seem to have discipline over my body. or the fact that i tend to procrastinate and never able to master time management. it may also be the reason why i prefer to work alone because i was never exposed to the dynamics of a group.
at home, my sister was close with my aunts or my other cousins. my brothers have each other. so there i am, alone and always trying to look for myself. well, nothing is changed until now. most of my friends are from my school. i never really had those friends from the neighborhood since, you guessed it, my mom did not allow me to interact with them.
right now, there are a lot of things that would want to escape me. benj have been bombarding me with difficult questions that threaten to produce similar results like of Mt. Bulusan.
i really need to think. to feel. to see.