i'd say i have never been that open to people. much more to my relatives. then that dream of being in a better position was slowly being realized, i thought that my life should not be in a can. closed for my own consumption.
so i did. opened up a bit. talk some more. tolerated things i never would have thought of having their way in my life. i will admit now that it felt good. that now, i am not holding myself so far away from these people i call my family.
then that incident happened. that reason of being happy was taken away. confusion came. after which, anger and depression started to accompany me.
i was closing again.
i blamed God. questioned Him and even fought with Him. but i gave up. it is always impossible to battle your maker. i did not know what to do. then silence. meditation. friend's inspiring words. some more time alone.
then here i am.
i may not have that dream anymore but still, i am alive. provided with another option, i say it has given me a structure that i can pattern my life.
two weeks ago, my aunt who is based in u.k. started to talk to me whenever she is calling our family. back when i was still fixing my documents, she will always talk to me. i just do not know what happened after she was informed about me not being able to continue my journey in europe.
was it disappointment? was it shame?
but those two are still evident in me as i purposely avoided all family gatherings. i just go to church and see my mom's relatives. words are very expensive for me as i always try to stay mum. i do not want them asking me where am i supposed to go now.
well, the parents have taken their part in setting this mentality that i have now. i was pressured. i was forced to become someone i will not be able to become. so i am here now.
open to the very few who really know me.