72: Nang Dahil sa Wedding

naghahabol ako sa mga posts ko ngayon.  ilang araw ang lumipas nang hindi ko namalayan.  all of a sudden, parang bumilis yung paghila ko sa bawat araw para dumaan.  

i attended a wedding last saturday and it was just beautiful.  a lot of good friends were there and those people that i had the privilege to work with before.  masaya.  nakakatuwa.  higit sa lahat, nawala ang sumpa ng pagiging single sa aming magkakaibigan.  which brings me to this fear that i have, na bukod tanging ako lang ata ang nakatakdang tumandang mag-isa.  

hindi naman actually nakakapagtaka kung sakali.  sa kapatid ni mama, tatlo sa kanila ang matandang dalaga. kay daddy, isa ang matandang dalaga.  may mga pinsan din si mama na wala pang asawa: dalawa.  sa kapatid naman ni lola ay tatlo- isang matandang dalaga at dalawang matandang binata.  kaya nga natatakot ako kay ate kasi trenta na siya at wala pang asawa.  gusto ko na siyang mag-asawa pagka-alis ko.  alam ko naman na hinihintay lang niya na makapag-abroad ulit ako.  buti na lang at may boyfriend siya.

sa mga kaibigan ko mula sa trabaho, lahat naman sila ay nagkaroon ng seryosong relasyon.  ako? isa.  hindi pa matino.  pumasok lang sa relasyon para maranasan na magkaroon ng jowa.  all for the wrong reasons.

madalas, i find myself alone.  either by fate or by choice, panigurado yun.  hindi ko rin alam kung dahil lumaki ako na self-reliant that i hardly depend on somebody else.  na dapat kayanin kong mag-isa.  but you know, it can get lonely at times.  kahit gaano kadalas kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na okay lang ako, hindi pa rin.  meron lang din sigurong hangganan kung ano ang kaya ko.

sa mga lumipas na araw, nagdownload ako ng maraming ebooks at mga pelikula.  i was reminded again that i need to stop looking for that someone and just focus in becoming the better me.  magugulat ka na lang daw na by doing these things, darating na rin siya.  taliwas naman ito sa sinasabi ni yash na dapat i have to be in the scene and that i need to throw myself into the ocean.

nakakalito.  iniisip ko na lang na lilipas din ang mga araw na nag-iisa ako.

73: Full Circle

74: Mantra

75: Baby Steps

today, i made a decision to invest in my future.  i just wanted to stop the cycle of working all my life for nothing.  i want to get out of the rat race and live comfortably.  

at 63, my dad is still looking for work overseas.  i wanted him to retire and rest.  but in reality, our current financial status says otherwise.  my sister is basically the breadwinner in our family.  while i am on my own, i get to contribute to the utilities once in a while.  pero hindi ito madalas.  my brother, the older of the twins, recently started work.  ok naman.  nakakatulong na rin kahit papano.  kaso hindi pa rin sapat.

you cannot blame me why i wanted to leave the country and work overseas.  i wanted a comfortable life for all of us but i guess baby steps for now.

76: Taking It Slow

77: Never Again

78: Off

off!

as i type this, nakapagmall na ako at nakakain ng nasa oras.  mamaya, magpapamassage ako.  then matutulog ng walang alarm ang phone.  i never felt so relaxed ngayong wala na akong patient.  walang iniisip na bed bath.  walang pagbibigay ng gamot.  walang pagbabantay sa mga sandali na gigising siya para magbanyo.

the past nights, dumaan lang sila.  i was just waiting for those shifts to finish.  i tried to read and to study but the body is weak.  nakakaantok.  no amount of coffee can perk me up.  so eto, nagsisimulang magbasa at mag-aral.  tambak pa ang mga ebooks na babasahin ko.  

gosh.  i am just writing nonsense here.  will try to write better now that i finally found my inspiration to write better...

79: Last Duty

Last duty ko ngayong gabi.  After nine nights, matatapos na to.  As a nurse, there is nothing more fulfilling seeing your patient recover fully.

Knowing that you played a part in his healing, all of the hard work, frustrations and sleep deprivation e nawawala.

Hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin sa off ko.  Sleep is one.  Pamasahe din siguro ng katawan.  Maybe I will swim kapag may time. 

For now, I will just enjoy everything.

80: Kaya

Pangwalong gabi ko na sa duty ngayon.  Dati, bawal ang tatlong night na sunud sunod sa duty.  Kahit walong oras yun kada shift, iniiwasan pa rin nila.  Nakakapagod kasi.  Well, nakakapagod din naman ang morning at afternoon shifts.  Pero, iba ang duty sa gabi.  Oo nga at konti ang nagrorounds na doctor at konti ang orders pero ang tulog ang kalaban mo.

Kaya ko naman pala.

81: Gratitude

We can be your friend.  We can be your advocate.  We can be your human towel.  We feed you.  We wipe your tears and even your sweat. 

We can sit with you and listen to your rants and secrets even if we have five pages of doctor's orders.  We try to accommodate all of your requests including finding a phone charger or getting the number of a restaurant even if we have to admit another patient.

We do a lot of things for you.  That includes your family, relatives or just plain visitors.  We juggle a lot of tasks just to care for you.  We deny ourselves a minute of rest, a glass of water and even the privilege of going to the bathroom.

There are no room for mistakes in what we do.  We go to work early but we get home two-four hours beyond our shift.  We are expected to know everything.

With all these tasks and the roles that we perform, we are left unappreciated most of the time. The doctors usually get all the glory.  Our work is undervalued as evidenced by our salary.  

So for you to really acknowledge my hard work and the things that we have to do for a meager salary, thank you. It really means a lot that you take notice of our integral part in your healing process.  More than the compensation, your words make me want to continue with my profession.

Thank you.

82: Of Sleep and Compromise

Mukhang nakukuha na ng katawan ko ang kailangan na maging gising kapag gabi.  Ito ang ikalimang araw na duty ako for twelve hours.

Sa umaga, parang lumulutang na ang pakiramdam ko.  Out of all these things, happy naman ako na may naiipon ako at may panggastos.  There are just some things that you need to compromise.

Naisip ko lang, ano pa kaya ang kaya kong icompromise for the sake of happiness o kahit for love.  I'll find out soon...

83: Panda

Ilang araw nalang, isang panda na ang magiging kamukha kk.  Sa mga dark circles around my eyes, magiging madali para ma-achieve ko ito.

Ang hirap kumita ng pera.

84: Looking Back