Minatamis na Kamias

there is a disease in me.

a disease which tries to kill friendships and abolish soon-to-be formed friendships. and probably, intimate relationships.

it feels like it transforms into a self-defense trying to protect me from being hurt. or disappointed.

paano nga ba hindi maging maasim sa mga tao? i can't just be too sugar-coated all at once.

Titanium

well, i stood in awe how the words of mark suddenly came into reality.

"isa kang madalahira at madiwarang nurse."

time and again, it has been my goal to be the very kind and sweet person that i envision to be. but, i always fail. it is like i get into this skin- cynical, excessive realist and a no-nonsense approach to almost anything and everything.

even if i attribute it to the way i was brought up, yash tells me to let go of it. that i am too old to know what is right and with that knowledge, i should have banished whatever that is keeping me to be truly happy.

and i guess, work is pushing me also to take on that skin and be at my defensive state in every shift.

we will see...

Happy

will try to live by these words...

Ed

every september and october, changes always come. right now, i am currently waiting for a chance to work abroad. again.

yes, i am that fucked up in that i do not finish my contract and all. it is not that i do not want to finish it. it is just that my family's finances force me to do it. in truth, i really love my job now though it drains me of energy and motivation.

but yeah, i will cross the river when i get there. in the mean time, i'd bury my ears first with ed sheeran's voice.

The Ninth Month

september went so fast. i hope these pictures would be enough to tell my stories...

practicum. birthday. inang's event. sleepovers.

thank you september!

Tests

last night, i felt that my patience was tested.

why is it that there are some people who feel that the world owes them a lot? why can't they be nice?

i guess i will be needing a lot of motivation later. besides, september na. that should be enough to perk me up.

Reunited

the past few days were rough. they had me questioning my intent to stay at my current work.

whenever i think of quitting, i think of them- sheila and mark. they endured the two years of working in egypt while i did not.

as they continue their own lives, i think of them- their perseverance and the times they almost quit but pressed on.

Don't Wake Me Up

is it worth it?

i am trying to find reasons for continuing the journey....

in the mean time....

Five Days

had the worst day at work.

for five straight days, i have been working. pwede siguro dahil sa pagod or minamadali ako kahapon. but, there is no one to blame but myself.

sometimes, i really wonder why do we have to learn the hard way. and that sometimes, it is already too late.

egypt keeps buzzing. but i do not want to escape from this. ayaw kong patunayan na tama si mark. na hindi ko kayang tapusin ang isang kontrata. at saan na naman ako pupunta? magsisimula na naman sa wala?

hindi. i have to face this one. i am not getting old. time is not on my side. san na nga ba ang mga kasabayan ko?

i know i do not have to compare. it is wrong. pero i have never been this shaken kasi.

praying for courage and a beautiful tomorrow. technically, a beautiful today.

In a Rut

mark sent me a text. he is leaving for norway. the other day, pat invited me for a dinner as she is leaving for canada.

the past days, i have been asking myself why the hell i am still in an emotional and motivational rut. my assignments are still not yet done. my swimming lessons still remain as a plan.

worse, i am guilty of binge eating after my four straight night shifts at work.

i feel that at this moment, i could have been somewhere. working at a first world country while sending my salary to the philippines for a more comfortable life for my family.

that was the dream and i guess, my parents' as well. but what do we have here? i am still here in our house trying to contribute to my parents.

in 2010, i thought i was going to london. but i did not. i thought i was going to watch the olympics from the stands. but, i am stuck here watching videos from youtube.

truth is, it hurts. even though two years have passed, it still pains me to see people leaving and me being left here in the philippines. no, i do not resent the fact that i have more time with my family. i just wished that i could have contributed more and experienced more what life has to offer.

so there, i will wait some more. hopefully, it will make me wiser and much better as a person and as a nurse.