Tamad

for someone who thought has figured out his life, i thought everything was in accordance to my plan.  hindi pala.  things happen.  

you wanted change and it happened.  suddenly, you felt like that change has put you into an unfamiliar territory.  hindi yata ako nakapaghanda sa mga pagbabago.  i think i am depressed clinically.

nawalan ako ng motivation.  sa buhay, sa career, sa fitness at sa buhay pag-ibig.  i could not be bothered to clean my room.  or ayusin man lang ang mga documents.  hindi ko rin maituloy ang pagbabasa ng mga books about nursing.

i stopped my gym membership.  masyadong magastos.  i have not been into a date.  like in ages.  pumapalya pa ang pagyoyoga.  alam kong tapos na ang quarter life crisis ko pero ang aga naman ata ng midlfe crisis.

eto pa, nagbirthday ako two weeks ago.  i was working.  so walang formal celebration.  kumain lang tapos yun na.   what a contrast from a year ago when i had friends coming for my party.  this year wala.

but i am hoping this will all change soon.  so i am making this post dahil masyado nang matagal na wala akong post.

will try to write more...

Careless

nagmadali akong nagpedal ng bike ko.  umabot naman ako sa train station.  exactly thirty seconds bago umalis ang train, nakasakay na ako.  pawis at pagod, napangiti ako.  i barely made it pero ok lang.

i had a great plan of what i need to do this day.  gumising ng maaga, ayusin ang dadalhin pati na ang pagkain.  may checklist din ako ng documents.

naging maayos naman ang biyahe ko papunta ng london.  i have followed what i researched.  ang mga stops pati na ang oras ng biyahe, natumbok ko lahat.  habang papalapit na ako ng next train station, inalala ko ang mga dinala ko.

bigla aking nanlambot,  nanlumo ako sa aking pag-alala ng mga dinala.  nakalimutan ko ang passport!  sa lahat pa naman ng mga dapat dalhin, iyon pa ang aking nakalimutan.  bumaba ako sa next station at umuwi na ng cambridge.

inisip ko, paano ko nga ba nakalimutan iyon?  

naalala ko, minarkahan ko lang ang checklist without putting my passport.  nakadagdag din ang kanyang balot na pinagawa ko pa sa thailand.  hindi ko talaga siya nalagay sa bag ko.

umiyak ako.  nagmukmok sa katangahan.  

pero sabi nga ni jake, tumayo ka diyan at maglakad.  magliwaliw at alisin ang panlulumo sa isang bagay na hindi mo na maibabalik.

at heto, nasa coffee shop ngayon at nagpapainit sa tulong ng kape.  another day and another lesson learned.

Mixed

june, i have mixed feelings towards you.

you were great for i had a great time back home.  i spent time with my family and friends.  i travelled to new places and experienced new things.  

you were rude to me for you made me realise that in life, nothing is permanent.  as soon as vacation ended, demands from work and from transitioning to an agency nurse to permanent staff kicked in.  moved house and until now, i am still sorting out my things.

but as you made me see it, all these things will come to pass.  this waiting for a change of assignment.  this seemingly-endless completion of requirements.

goodbye june.

In a Rut

for two weeks now, i have been struggling to practice yoga.  it seems that i can only practice it when i am at the shala.

same with working out at the gym.  it is only when i have a session with sam that i can finish a full work out.

stress?  could be.  from looking for a house to move in before june, to fixing some documents, to packing my things and those that i will bring home.  everything demands of my time and energy.

so i stop.  i get frustrated and spend most of time doing and thinking about nothing.  it is like i am going to a process of slow decay physically and intellectually.

there is no passion.  or excitement that would make me want to start the day right away.

perspective and inner motivation- these are the things that i need at the moment.

Pasyon de Amor

i could say that i have finally found a passion in ashtanga yoga.  its beauty has put me in a state where i have never been...

today, greg nardi came for a mysore session.  the experience was just so lovely that i am still smiling at this moment.  i was also able to talk to my fellow students who have been practising yoga for a very long time.  

i have never been active when i was young.  sports was something my parents thought of as a hindrance to being great at school.  i did not have the means to engage myself into activities that i would love to try.  so this is me being grateful for where i am now and for what i can do.  

Ekam Inhale

in ashtanga yoga, you will have to wait before you can progress to another pose.  my teachers say that your body will tell you when you are ready.  as my practice is changing, so is my body.  there is no need to hurry for your practice is a journey.

it has been three months now since i committed myself to practice ashtanga yoga for at least three times a week. there were days when i was so lazy to wake up before 6:30 am to practice in the shala.  there were days when my body is just so tight and sore from going to the gym.  looking back, my form is getting better and there is more fluidity in how i practice it.  i still get breathless and i still pause from time to time.

last saturday, my teacher told me to just stop to what they taught me and go to the finishing sequence.  in my mind, i wanted to do more.  i wanted to do more poses.  however, it is not yet time.  my body is still not ready.

how many times in the past do we rush ourselves for some things in life?  career choices.  relationship status.  decisions.  we are often desiring to accomplish and achieve more in life at the expense of our health and happiness.

as with ashtanga, we need to breath.  we need to do it in order and in a system.  we need to listen to our bodies.  we need to wait.

JB

searching for that one person begins with you being happy and in love with your self.  i will not settle for what is available and convenient.

i am in the process of improving myself and loving my wholeness.  

DOMS

currently, my legs are on fire.  thighs are crying and my hamstrings sore.  my upper body is also sore from yesterday's session with sam.  

for three months now, i have been practising ashtanga yoga.  back home, i really wanted to try yoga but it was always expensive.  now that i have the means and the time to practice it, there was no excuse for me not to immerse myself into the wonderful world of ashtanga.

there are days when i just could not complete a pose.  still catching my breath especially with the surya namaskara b.  but i am getting there.  i see some changes.

likewise, it will be a year in a few weeks time since i started going to the gym.  from not being able to lift a 20-kg bar to doing dead lifts, bench press and squats, changes can be seen from my body.

initially, i just wanted to look good.  to attract people.  however, my motivation now is to be healthy, calm and at peace with who i am.

as i have said to a friend, my happiness and worth do not depend on other people.

Hoping

change. big changes.  i need them.

it has been a year now and the disappointment is finally realised.  please let it be tomorrow that i get the news.

Tumaba Ka Pa Sana

yes, i got the job.

pero sa short span ng career ko, kanina lang ako nangamote sa exam.  i think i did well naman sa interview so i think that really helped a lot.  and for you who was so inconsiderate in dumping me before my interview, tumaba ka pa sana! 

thank you po, Jesus.

Still Smiling

easy come, easy go.

you came into my life in a breeze and in the same manner, you left me.  alone and questioning myself what i did wrong.

but yeah, you are right.  you need that head space.  you need to sort out yourself and finish your therapy.

nothing is wrong with me.  i am awesome in my own way.  today, i will nail that interview and show you that i am doing well.  i can cope up with heartbreaks and disappointments because i am f*cking fabulous.  :-)

  

2016

happy new year!

i am writing this post in my bed after celebrating new year's eve in london last night and watching the new  year's parade in regent street this morning.  tired and exhausted, it was all worth it.  

2015 has gone by so fast and in trying to establish my new life here in cambridge, i only managed to write few blog posts here.  ang daming dapat ilook back at ipagpasalamat sa nakaraang taon.  moved here.  got my license.  met new friends.  been to really beautiful places.  started going to the gym and eating healthy (though i am off from it since last week).  madami pa.  there were a lot of changes and to say i am blessed is an understatement.

this year, madami akong dreams.  maraming goals na gustong ma-achieve.  maraming changes na gustong gawin.  eto sila:

-eat healthy

-continue going to the gym

-practice yoga six days a week

-save money!

-pay debts

-set up emergency fund

-travel more 

-chat/ call more family

-smile a lot

-avoid talking about people

-never demean myself

-avoid whining

-control reactions to situations

-always see the perspective of other people

-clean room as often as i can

-never pile up dirty laundry

-never pile up rubbish

-avoid impulsive buying

-give back to people

-plan and plan and plan

-read thirty books

-write more often

i hope magawa ko sila. welcome 2016! :-)