Remote Control

nagexam ako kanina for my master's degree. sabay na rin ang interview.

muntik na ata akong matae sa hirap ng exam. may vocabulary. may statistics. may research. may current events. may parang sudoku pa na part. sa pigang pigang damit, halos matuyo ang utak ko sa pagbabaligtad baligtad nito para makaisip ng sagot.

akala ko nung una sobra sobra ang two hours. nang simulan kong sagutan, gusto ko nang umayaw.

inisip ko na lang na ito ang tama para sa goal ko. now that i have a better vision of what i want and what i need, kailangan na magstick doon sa mga steps na makakatulong saken.

this week, nagbukas ang hospital namen for nurses. habang nagprepresent ako for quality circle, andun ang mga applicants naghihintay ng turn for their interview. habang nagiisip ako para maimprove ang aming written output, andun ang mga applicants nag-iisip ng mga sagot para sa exam nila to measure their competency.

habang nangyayari ang mga ito, i was so frustrated with my group mates. i practically wrote half of the report and i am tasked to report almost 2/3 of the presentation.

i am so fed up with the quality circle and i feel no fulfillment at all.

i wanted to cry kasi i wanted to go to the other room to take the exam for nurses. i missed it so much but i can't do nothing but to stay where i am right now. kakapirma ko lang ng regularization papers and i decided to stay sa department ko for at least 1 year.

God sometimes allow events to happen. events na tingin mo napakaunfair na hindi mo alam kung bakit ganon. take the case of Japan. sa ngayon, wala akong maisip na dahilan kung bakit nangyari yun sa bansang iyon.

o kaya kung bakit biglang nagopen ang nursing nang hindi ako pwede.

eto lang ang sigurado: lahat ay nasa kontrol Niya.

*photo taken here.

Lesson

kagabi, nagtext si mama.

ano ba daw gagawin sa isang tuta naming naimpatso? kasi ang tiyan daw niya malaki tapos gumagalaw at matigas. pinakain daw kasi ng sobra sobra ng kasama namin sa bahay na si jonah.

pero, ano nga ba ang dapat gawin? ang alam ko gamot lang ang bibigay sa tao para gumaan ang pakiramdam. so sabi ko hindi ko alam.

ang sagot ni mama? parang tao lang naman yan a!

natigalgal lang naman ako dahil kahit parang tao yan, hindi naman pareho ang ating anatomy at physiology pero hindi ko na sinabi yon.

sa mga pinaggagawa ko pa naman ngayon, i feel like i am not a nurse anymore.

lesson of the day? alamin ang anatomy at physiology ng mga aso!

Bar

pwede nakong maglasing araw araw.

for three days, maingay sa tinitirhan namin. pukpok dito, pukpok doon. madaming tao. madaming nilalagareng kahoy. amoy pintura pa ang hangin sa mga dingding na pinipunturahan ng kulay berde.

sa wakas, ang alak at bar na ang lumapit saken.

dahil sa ingay, napipilitan akong magtakip ng tenga pag natutulog. minsan nakakainis. minsan parang bale wala lang.

ano nga ba ang naging dahilan kung bakit sa edad kong to, tanging beer, vodka at red wine lang ang dumaan sa bibig ko? ang mga office mates ko na puro babae e kuwento lang ng kuwento ng mga alak na kanilang ininom.

hindi naman sa nagsisisi ako kung bakit pinanatili kong maging kontrolado sa mga ganitong bagay.

naisip ko lang kasi kung ano magiging itsura ko. magiging mas madaldal kaya ako? maghuhubad ba ako sa daan? o susuka rin ba ako?

malalaman natin yan sa pagbubukas ng bar.

*photo taken here.

Last

while japan is still in shambles, i am picking myself up with the horrible decision to let go of my self-control and professionalism.

my daily concerns focus on these things: getting up so i can jog (big failure), what to wear for work, what to eat for breakfast, bus that will give me a comfortable seat, quality circle report and ways on how to cool down from the exasperation and disgust towards my supervisor.

so now, i refuse to be affected by her. excuse me from always giving my immediate boss the space. this will be the last.

Patience

it is a saturday night and i am still doing our presentation for the quality circle. i had to do this. i had to write this post as i relax myself out of the loathing i felt first, to my supervisor and to the other members of the circle.

i am now in the process of attaching the mail to be sent out to the members of the circle. i remembered my supervisor giving me major parts in the oral presentation which made me think if the half of the whole report i wrote was not enough.

and geez, i have not yet reached my first year at work yet i dread breathing the same air with my supervisor. how much more if i commit myself to stay some more years just to pay my loan?!

anyway, we are almost done. guess i need to buy a whole sack of patience.

*photo taken here.

Panlaban

hello friday!

up to this time, puro hillsongs ang pinapakinggan ko. praise songs. worship songs. all for the sake na hindi ako saniban ng masasamang espiritu at work.

i could say that it is working.

kahit tanung ng tanung ang aking bisor sa mga medical terms. kahit pilit na tinatapos ang report na matagal nang tapos dapat pero dahil sa kaartehan ng ilang tao e ginawa ko ulit. kahit si botcha girl ay gumagawa ng isang nakakatawang haka-haka na analysis kung bakit prinescribe ang isang gamot na pambabae sa isang matandang lalake.

'coz hello? it's friday! hindi ko sila makikita bukas! yay!

Monster's Shadow

my mom has created a monster.

her voice. her temper. her hands. they were all evident with this monster. the monster has acquired all the traits i dreaded. it is making my life hard because it frightens me on what the monster can do.

in my growing years, i have prayed for the monster to die. to stop living so i can live peacefully with people around me. but, it was difficult. it has been nourished by my mom's shouts and constant domineering ways. i hated her ways but it only fed the monster's hunger.

now, i'm shadowed by the monster. because that shadow comes from me.

Positive

hello wednesday!

after punishing my legs yesterday, i am now sitting in my work desk trying to make myself busy. i am almost done with my part for the quality circle and there are no more pending reports.

i am in. in with the regular people working here at the hospital. it does not spark any excitement on my part as i have felt so old with this current job. but, i am setting a goal that is to last more than two years at this hospital!

that would be a great achievement for me since i feel like moving out from a job after working for a year or so. what made me set this goal? i will be applying for loan so i can finish my master's degree. hope i won't regret this decision...

my temper has been on a rampage since yesterday. but in a quiet way. thanks to my office mate who keeps me calm despite the demands of the "boss".

that's it wednesday. i hope i can end this day on a positive note!

Bida

sa work, kailangan talaga na kumpleto ang cast like that of a movie. may supporting. may kontrabida. may bida.

kung alin ako sa tatlo, alam niyo na yon. ishashare ko lang naman ang kontrabida sa buhay ko dito sa work. iniisip niyo bang si botcha girl? puwes mali kayo dahil supporting lang siya. ang tunay at nag-iisang kontra sa buhay ko e ang aking supervisor.

sa dami ng mga pinapagawa at paraan ng pakikiusap, nahahigh blood ata ako. hays umentra na naman sa malikot kong isip na ako ay abusado. na ako ang biktima dito.

ganun ata talaga pag bida. at kung lahat ay mabait, hindi na ata work yun. libangan na pag ganun.

Eight

today, i will give myself a grade of 8 out of 10. let's review the list:

1. smiled to people (even if i did not feel like smiling at some relatives)- check!

2. talked to people- check!

3. asked some people how they were- check!

4. ate the food served- check!

5. projected a "i'm enjoying the moment right now" face- check!

6. helped with the chores they were supposed to do (coz they were the hosts)- check!

7. told something about my life in general- check!

8. told stories about other people- check!

9. prevented myself from grumbling because of not going home early- XXXXXXX

10. kept a smile while on our way home- XXXXXXX

so that's it. a big improvement!