The Antidote

Broken but not destroyed,

Left behind but not alone,

Hurting but not dead.



You see, I'm still standing

And fighting to my last breath

Giving up is not for me.

Blast From the Past

Nareunite ako nitong nakalipas na araw sa isang tao na naging malapit saken dati nung college. Sa pamamagitang ng isang kaibigan, nagkausap kami ulit. Dati kasi, bigla na lang siyang nawala. As in hindi na lang namin siya nakita.

Medyo naging makulay ang samahan namin dati. Masasabi kong naging memorable ang college days ko dahil sa kanya. Nagkuwentuhan kami. Nagkamustahan at nagkaroon ng mga pag-aamin. Nakakatuwa dahil kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas, kinilig pa rin ako.

Humingi ako ng paumanhin. Nag-apologize kung sa tingin niya ay iniwan ko siya sa ere dati. Madami na nagbago pero yung feelings, sa tingin ko meron pa rin kahit papano. Sino at ano raw ang bago saken? Sabi ko wala. Dito ako tinamaan. Ang sabi niya,

"Siguro nararamdaman nila na they are not your priorities. Iparamdam mo naman na mahalaga sila sau."

Siguro nga. Masyado akong cluttered ng kung anu- ano sa buhay. Madaming gumugulo at tumatakbo sa isip ko. Masyado ata akong nagiging preoccupied sa sarili ko at kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.

Hindi ko alam kung ano mangyayari sa amin, pero sa ngayon, masaya ako na nagbalik siya.

Mga Nakakakiliting Eksena Part One

Unang Eksena:

Habang naghihintay magbukas ang auditorium, naupo muna kami sa mga upuan sa tabi. Dumating si Mr/Ms. S_t_ na may mga dalang papel at nagsimulang makipag-usap sa akin at sa mga kaibigan ko.

Walang Kasarian na Prof (WKP): Di ba naging estudyante ko kayo?
Ako: Opo sir!
Mga Kaibigan (MK): Yes sir (Ma'm?)! Sa fast track po sir. Acute Biologic Crisis po yung topic niyo samen.
WKP: A oo. Natatandaan kita (ang tinutukoy niya e ako). Magrereview ba kayo ngayon?
Ako: Opo (Naghihintay nga kami dito para sa review. Ano ba!).
WKP: Nga pala, nagmamasteral kasi ako ngayon. Nasa implementation nako ng thesis ko. Pwede niyo ba kong tulungan?
MK: Tungkol po ba saan yan sir(ma'am?)?
WKP: Tungkol siya sa preparedness ng mga students to take the nursing licensure exam. Qualified naman kayo for the study.
Ako: Sige po.

Siyempre, sa paniniwala namin sa good karma (dahil malapit na board exam nun) at sa hirap na dinanas namin sa research, tumulong kami at sumali sa kanyang ginagawang pag-aaral.

WKP: Malapit na exam niyo no?
MK at Ako: O nga po e.
WKP: Nakakatuwa nga kasi yung apat na magna cum laude (kasama ako sa apat) e hindi man lang pumasa sa preboard niyo no? (Nakatingin siya saken nito)
MK: O nga po e. Marami naman po kasing mali sa mga answer keys.

Nainis ako. Pinapatamaan ba niya ako? Nanadya ba siya? Alam ba nito ang kapasidad ko? Siyempre ayokong magpa-api.

Ako: Mahirap din po kasi yung exam.
WKP: Mahirap ba?
Ako: Opo. Anyway sir, sa'n po kayo nagmamasteral? (Gumagana na utak ko kung pano makaretaliate sa "napakagaling" naming professor)
WKP: Sa PLM. Adviser ko si Mam Glenda. May alam ba kayong statistician? Kasi yung gusto ko siya na lahat gumawa.
Ako: Naku sir may kilala kami kaso, kami rin ang nagsosolve. Siya bale yung nagguguide samen. Kasi, under kami kay Mam EDC! (The pillar ng FEU-IN) Gusto po kasi nila, kami ang nagcocompute basically.
WKP: Talaga?
Ako: Pati nga po ung pagcompute e manual lang. Walang computer. Tska po para alam namin yung ginagawa namin. Hindi yung nagpapagawa lang. Sa defense po kasi namin, nacocompute kami on the spot.
WKP: A ganun ba? (Tumatango na lang)
Ako: Opo. Anong method po ang ginawa niyo para macontrol ang extraneous variables niyo?
WKP: Huh. Ano lang e. Simple lang.
MK at Ako: Tapos na po. E sir, pano naman po yung research design niyo? Pati po yung sampling niyo?
WKP: Thank you ha. Uy alis muna ko. Salamat ha?
MK at Ako: Sige po!

Nainis ako. Nabuwisit dahil hindi ko alam kung ano dahilan niya kung bakit nasabi niya yun. Habang pinapakalma ako ng aking mga kaibigan, napagtanto ko na ipapakita ko sa kanya na kaya ko. Na hindi ako isang Magna na nakuha lang sa pagpapasipsip at pagbibigay ng regalo (kilala niyo kung sino?). At yun ang ginawa ko hanggang sa maging RN ako.

Naawa ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung naiintindihan ba niya ang ginagawa niya sa research niya. Ayokong magmukhang bitter kaya sinasabi ko ang mga ito pero sa naging karanasan kasi namin sa kanya,hindi siya epektibo bilang guro. Mas nanaisin pa naming magkakaklase na umuwi at magbasa na lang ng libro.

Hindi ko na siya nakita ulit sa school. Ewan ko kung natapos niya yung graduate studies niya. Bahala na siya, basta ako, napatunayan ko na ang aking karangalan ay hindi hungkag. Pinaghirapan ko ito at nagpapasalamat ako na pinarealize niya sa akin na hindi ako magiging kagaya niya...

Of Sperm Cells and Egg Cells: Concepts about the Purpose of Life

I remember making an article for a friend of mine and upon putting order d\to my yahoo inbox, i found it. So I'm sharing it to you now...



The search for the purpose of life has plagued man. Many have tried to discover the meaning of their existence in ways unimaginable. Elusive it is man has succumbed to find it in wrong places and at the wrong time. Gone are the days when questions about the purpose of life come from people who have nothing to do but to think and meditate. More and more people are becoming attached to their “inner self” as they try to break away from the hustles of life. What is it in searching for that one big reason why you are here on this earth? What can one possibly get from trying to discover what he was made for? It could probably stem from the fact that there are a lot of possibilities and chances that you may not be born in this world but in fact you did. Of the millions of sperm cells and hundreds of egg cells that can combine to create a human being, two specific cells came to unite at that exact moment. Amazingly, one can only appreciate this wonder that life has and it can only lead a person to a higher thinking of the purpose, the purpose that would define his existence in this world.

With its popularity, the book of Rick Warren entitled the Purpose Driven Life has attracted people to entertain the question about that one great purpose. To realize that you are here in this world not because of an accident is heavy. It can create a new perspective in life if you really try to examine yourself. I for myself have battled this question. The same fate has befallen me as I tried to find it in self-help books, devotional materials and devoured every chance that I get to listen to people declaring that they have the answers. Over and over again, I searched for answers and in the end; I ended up with three concepts that I considered as either means or ends to that universal question-the purpose of life.

First is knowing who you are. After some point of organization in your life, you somehow feel that you are in a crossroad. You don’t know what road to take since you don’t know how you are going to deal with it. You probably have settled and won some battles in your life and it seems that this chapter of your life is ending and you need to take on a new role in a new chapter. Uncertainties and doubt of what lies ahead perplex you and you are faced with such cloud of not knowing whether or not you are prepared for that new beginnings or even the unfolding of a simple change in your life. By knowing who you are, you take a look at your strengths and weaknesses. You become connected with yourself that in a way, it defines you. It gives you a look on what you can do and what you should do with your life. With focus and new standpoint, you can now master your totality as a person to achieve whatever you set your mind to and you realize that what you have and what you are defines your purpose in life.

Second is realizing your fullest potentials. The first step will lead you to this one. Upon knowing what you can do and what you should do to make your weaknesses work for you, you now have the chance to realize your fullest potentials. The questioning of oneself about his purpose may probably stem from dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction may come from one’s job, relationships, society and all in all, his life. To this, he feels that there is something more than this mediocre way of living his life. There is something more sensible and greater goal to reach for that is why there is this certain feeling or urge of searching for that one great reason or purpose. By realizing your fullest potentials, you give yourself the chance to maximize what you have-your knowledge, skills, attitudes and talents. Through maximizing these, you end up finding that reason to go on with your life and you end up appreciating what you were blessed. That appreciation will now lead to the third concept.

Third and last is to connect with your surroundings. Having known thyself and realized your fullest potentials, you now begin to transcend the things that commonly bother people. You have now won the battles of your self. You are at peace with who you are, what you can do and what you should do. The triviality of things that formerly bothered you have now become a thing of the past. To this, your concern now extends outside yourself as you know what you are capable of. To connect with your surroundings is to extend your potentials to those needing them- your family, your community and your country. You give back to them what you realized you have. You begin to think outside of yourself as you search and serve your purpose in life.

The three concepts take us into a trip into ourselves and open the door to realizing that the purpose of life is within ourselves. Once we have opened it, we have to let other people come into that door and in the process, help them find their own purpose. It may not be easy as many people would spend their entire life just trying to find their purpose in life. But going into the three concepts that either define or answer the purpose of life, it may not be difficult.

It is for the reason that one has to open his eyes, heart and soul and be ready to embrace that very sole reason why he is living makes the search indefinable. As Robert Byrne puts it, the purpose of life is a life of purpose.

Po's Wisdom

"Never underestimate our ability to ignore the obvious. So often, that's what keeps us from clarity- not a lack of desire."

My Current Theme Song

Jordin Sparks Lyrics
One Step At A Time Lyrics

What Should I Do with My Life?

To accomplish my project, certain things are needed to be asked, done and acquired. For this post, I will be talking about my first material- a book.

Last Monday, I accompanied my sister at a nearby mall to help her look for gifts to give her boyfriend’s mom for birthday. While waiting for her to arrive from work, I set to find by myself the gifts she might be interested in giving. Upon doing the search, I entered Book Sale and scanned for books that might interest me. Normally, I end up finding nothing. No book, magazine or novel that would really catch my attention or most of the time, I don’t have the money to spend for that find.

I started with the magazines and then I went to the section for medical books. Of course, I am still a medically-inclined person and I tried looking for a drug handbook that I may use in my work. Well, I found one but it is too expensive! Why not look for other books? So I proceeded and found a red book. It struck me like the book was telling me “Get me! I am the one you needed!” Picking up the book, I fell in love with it and immediately bought it. The title and the central theme of the book is this- What Should I Do with My Life?



The book is by Po Bronson who, also had to ask the question to himself. He said, “We all have passions if we choose to see them. Most of us don’t get epiphanies. We don’t get clarity. Our purpose doesn’t arrive neatly packaged as destiny. We only get a whisper. A blank, nonspecific urge. That’s how it starts.”

Why in the world would a book appear to me in the middle of my mental journey for the meaning of my life? Divine intervention? Probably. All I can say is that I am enjoying the book right now. I have taken notes for words of wisdom that somehow knock at my heart and soul. Helpful? Definitely. I would like to leave you with these words from the book:

“Sometimes, what you’re not good at is the place to start. Learning to do it, and do it well, might fix the problem.”

Project TRANSFORMATION

This is a project called TRANSFORMATION.

I know it is very cheesy but I tell you, I have been in an indeterminate state for a couple of months now. I don’t know what state is this but it seems that I am not alone is this plight.

A lot of people that I know are also in this state. Well, we are called newly registered nurses. At this time, nothing is much to be done to change our situation of being jobless and being situated in a country where one out of five people is a nurse (not sure with the statistics though). Being Registered Nurse may be only in title but not in reality because nurses are not nurses when they do not show what they can do. I belong to this sad reality…

In this state, you get to think a lot. You get to ponder a lot of ideas and sometimes, you even encounter delusions. But most often than not, you meet depression. I am very much into this encounter almost all of the times. When you have nothing to do, you entertain a lot of thoughts that sometimes are not really helpful. I have succumbed to depression these past few months and it is evident with my weight. Yes my weight!

Apart from entertaining these negative thoughts, I have been surfing the net almost everyday and watching TV. Most of the time, I admit that I really do not get something worthy while doing these things until a certain PBB housemate showed me the way, the way to TRANSFORMATION. His name is Robi. You probably read my previous blog entry. From there, I was stunned by how much waste I have produced in the past. As I always tell to my friends, he made me realized a lot of things. Here they go:

a.) I have not maximized my potentials. I’m not being conceited but God has blessed me a lot and it is such a shame that I have not been using them to fullest or even for His greater glory. What have I been doing in the past? Honestly, I don’t know. I was like drifting away from what I used to do.
b.) I have stopped learning. I stopped reading. I stopped feeding my mind. It may be true that I surf the net always but what do I get? Purely junk in its most enticing form.
c.) I have been preoccupied with myself but I have not cared my whole body and soul. I am always thinking what I shall do next or what is in store for me. Constantly, I keep whining about my present situation. My thoughts are always concerned about me but never really reached my core. I have gained a lot of weight and did not take care of my skin and eyes. I have stopped exercising. I have ballooned to my biggest weight so far…
d.) I have been negative in my thoughts, emotions and actions. I had so much hatred in me. Probably because of the depression that I have been struggling with. I easily lose my temper and I have hurt the people close to me. In the end, I have hurt myself. Lastly;
e.) I have not been praying and communicating with God that much. This by far is the biggest realization that I had. Why did I falter in to being in touch with God? Why? Am I being too complacent with the fact that He will always provide that I had let Him just be there whenever I feel that I need Him? I am deeply embarrassed that I have become like this. For the longest time, God is always there for me- loving, caring and protecting me. What have I shown to Him?

It really takes a lot of discipline and commitment to your endeavor to make it realized and fulfilled. I am embarking to a new adventure in life and I hope that I do well in the end.

I love this part when I find the spark to a new me. Sadly, it fades away. I just wish and pray that with this one, it will last for a long time until I am completely TRANSFORMED….

For You Dad

For 22 years, I have been in this roller coaster ride of my life. I have my own share of joys and pains but without you, none of these will be possible. Dad this one is for you…

If somebody will ask me of my fondest memory of my dad, I will have hard time thinking about it. The greatest lesson that he taught me? Difficult. Or how about the sport he introduced me? The games that we watched together? Very difficult to answer.

Ever since I was a kid, I have become accustomed to the fact that my dad is just there, in places I cannot even imagine. He is there because he is working for us. Many times, he wrote me letters with very cute birthday cards or sometimes just plain letters. He would also call us sometimes. I can still picture in my mind the time that I had to accompany my mother to a nearby PLDT station just to make an international phone call to him. It was like four cubicles and you have to wait for your turn as the people manning the stations would have to dial the number of your relatives. In our case, my dad.

Years passed, I was growing…without him most of the time. I have experienced moving out of our original comfortable home and settling into a real Nipa hut, leaving my friends and the church choir, and having to live with only the basics in life. I had known how to go home from school to our current home and vice versa. I was an achiever in school. I was a consistent honor student and I would always belong to the best section in our school. I had to make school projects ranging from basic carpentry to gardening to art all by myself. Well, sometimes with the help of my mom. I was bad in Math and to tell you my dad is an engineer. Engineer is equals to a mathematician and so me being bad in math is equals to hard times in Math.

I don’t play basketball. I also don’t know how to play the guitar. Did you know that my dad used to compete with the different towns of our province as a basketball player? And did you know that my dad is the guitarist of their “barkada” or group? Amazing isn’t it? I learned how to play volleyball primarily because my Aunt introduced me to it and I learned how to sing because of prior urgings from my mom to join the church choir. I learned riding a bicycle I believe from a neighbor and truly, it was not easy at all but the product is meaningful.

Dad was not present in most of my Recognition Days in which I will be awarded a medal for an outstanding performance in class. He was never there in my Cub Scout or Boy Scout Jamborees. I was alone most of the time when I participated in contests in school or in the district with my classmates and fellow contestants all supported by their families. Elementary graduation? If I can remember he was present. High school came and it was the same old story. I still sucked in Math plus Chemistry and Physics. I was still alone making wood joints and the Christmas Lantern Project. I am still clueless how basketball works and billiards to add but I learned how to play badminton through a friend.

Dad, you wanted me to take Information Technology as a course in college so I followed your advice while I prepared to take admission exams in different schools. You never wanted me to take courses that I really find interesting like Law, Mass Communications or Journalism. I graduated from high school, again, with honors, and I remember you were there. You even kissed me. You just don’t know how happy I felt. I also passed the exams I took from all of the schools I applied for in college. I didn’t take your advice but stuck to my own to study in this school and now, I know I was wrong.

Dad, I never had bad set of friends. Even at school, I devoted my time to God and my studies. I was involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. I only smoked three cigarettes and drank a glass of beer in high school. Please forgive me dad. I was carried away by the stories of my classmates and friends having tried these things shared by their big brothers or sometimes even their dads (well, only the drinking part). To this, I also never had a girlfriend in my whole existence in this planet. It sucks dad to some extent but I know it will also be good to me in the long run.

We had difficulty in our finances over the years. But, it was not constant. It is still erratic as of now. That is why I had to transfer to another school and take another course so I won’t flunk in Math subjects like I did there and not be bothered by the expensive tuition and other fees. I transferred and took another course that most of us thought would be a very wise choice. Four years passed and I graduated Magna Cum Laude. I also passed the Licensure Examination. But what’s new? Nothing. You were not present when I graduated and received my award. You were absent when I took my oath as a professional. I had job interviews and exams that you were not there. Most of the time, I triumphed. You were only there to ask me how I was but it was okay. Actually, it was more than enough.

In reality, I never rebelled against you dad. I never dared to ask myself why you are not with me and growing with me. I never asked my mom or even God why it has to be like this. I always followed rules and made you proud with my achievements in school. We rarely talk. I don’t usually open up myself to you to ask some realities in life. I only talk to you if you talk to me and if I am to ask about certain things, things that are not really sentimental that would qualify for a father-son bonding experience. Sometimes, I wish that it had to be different. I mean the set-up not you. I had wished that I would talk to you more and you to me as well but as the years passed, our relationship has grown deeper even without my yearnings for bonding coming to a reality.

It is so strange that even I grew up literally without you on my side, I still want to become like you. I still want to emulate you-your patience, persistence, determination, friendliness (this applies to other people) and your commitment to your family, us. Dad, I love you, I love you because you endured all these years the torment of being away from us. I love you because you always give your best to give the best to us. Thank you Dad for you cared to us even we are separated by thousand miles. We may both have imperfections but those things make our relationship special and unique. To this cause, I am always striving to be the best in my chosen career. I dream that you may relax in the near future and truly enjoy life as you reap your hard work-us. I always give my best to somehow repay you for all the goodness you’ve shown to me, even in my own little way.

Happy Fathers’ Day Dad and I truly love you in my most unique way.ú

What My Name's Hidden Meaning

What CHARLTON S*****A Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

Try it:

Para Sa Iyo Robi

Matagal ko ng gusting sabihin ‘to- SALAMAT! Salamat Robi dahil ginising mo ‘ko sa pagkatulog ko, sa pagkahinto ng pag-abot ko sa aking mga pangarap.

Nakita kita nung una palang bilang isang mabuting kabataan. Nagustuhan kita bilang housemate kasama si Rona, Pris at Valerie. Sa paglipas ng araw, unti-unti akong bumilib sayo. Mabait ka. Isang magalang, mapagkumbaba, maaalahanin at maka-Diyos na kabataan. Isang mabuting anak at kapatid, masipag na estudyante at tapat na kaibigan. Nakakapagtaka ka dahil sa mura mong edad, nagpakita ka ng pambihirang maturity at sense of responsibility. Maraming nagduda sa iyong sinseridad, kung totoo ba ang lahat ng pinapakita mo. Maski ako ay nagulat sa iyong mga reaksyon sa anumang sitwasyon na kinaharap mo.

Sinampal mo ‘ko, sinampal mo ko sa aking pagkamanhid. Ginising mo ang pagkahimbing ko sa isang sitwasyon ng aking buhay. Pinadama mo sa akin ang mga kamalian ko sa aking buhay. Sagad hanggang kaluluwa ang ginawa mong paggising sa akin. Binago mo ako. Napagtatwa ko ang anumang kamalian sa buhay ko at nagyon ay pinipilit ko itong baguhin.

Hindi ko lubos maisip na isang lingo na pala ang lumipas nang pumila ako para lang makakuha ng ticket sa Big Night niyo gayundin ang araw-araw na pagtetext upang ika’y iboto. Hindi ko lubos na matanggap na ang nagsilbing inspirasyon ko e hindi ko na madalas mapapanood. Nabubuhay na lang ako sa paggunita sa mga ginawa mo sa akin. Nahihirapan ako dahil sa tingin ko, sadyang malakas ang nagging dating mo sa maraming manonood at kabilang ako doon.

Nakakahiya mang sabihin pero mas matanda ako sa ‘yo ngunit, ikaw pa ang nagturo sa akin. Sa TV, nakita ko ang sarili ko sa ‘yo kaya’t naiyak ako nung hindi ikaw ang tinanghal na Big Winner. Naramdaman ko kasi na parang ang mga kagaya natin ay ikinukulong sa mga stereotypes na meron sa ating lipunan. Masakit at unfair kung titignan pero aking napagtanto na hindi matatawaran ang iniwan mo sa amin Robi. Sabihin man na gasgas, ikaw ay tunay na nanalo sa puso ng marami.

Ngayong wala ka na sa bahay, pare-parehong magsisimula ang buhay natin. Masaya ako na sa aking paglalakbay, natagpuan kita at ng iba pang naniniwala sa ‘yo. Salamat at congratulations!