Of Death and a Day Shining with Hope

second day and still got no response. more prayers to come. maybe they are preparing the draft for the letter? but what would it contain? oh well, i will just wait.

last night, i received a patient of which i was not aware upon entering the unit that he is going down. opening to that door of doom as many people will call, i heard some familiar sounds. sounds of a defibrillator and an open crash cart. i never thought that those sounds will be coming from my patient.

a cancer patient, again and a terminal one. unknown in origin, the cancer has spread all over his body. unconscious now, with blood pressure as low as 34/10 without cardiac support, i just had a deep breath for what is to come on my shift. receiving him, i felt that he will die in my shift because after all, he almost died i the day shift as the outgoing nurse endorsed. he is for no code blue now or meaning, he will not be resuscitated should he crash again. to spice up the shift, i would have the extra duty of checking and refilling the opened crash cart. not an easy extra duty i'll say.

i did not complain of the assignment nor of the extra duty assignment. coming from a three days off and going for your one night duty made it all a little bit fitting for me. nevertheless, the thought of losing a patient is not a good sight to see.

at 9:50, i saw zero heart rate in the monitor. calling the doctor, he confirmed it. sobs from the relatives were heard all over the unit. this is the part i dread the most more than caring for a dead body.

maybe i am used to see dying people. when i was a child, just hearing somebody from the family that a relative died, it made me shiver in utmost disbelief and denial. years forward, i am made into an individual who does not find disbelief in dying. an inevitable one, especially for the type of patients that i handle, it has turned me into a different person.

two patients for this month. two patients dying in my shift. not really a pleasant one. as my patient was being cared for last night, i whispered that he say to his Creator that He not forget my prayer as the Filipino tradition played its part on me.

but for now, here is a bright day for all of us to remind that every day brings forth a new hope. as for me, a new hope that i will get the response in the coming days.