21

21 na sila.



uma-adelle lang ang dalawa. legal na ang dalawang bubwit sa bahay. matapos ang isang araw na binayak ang tiyan ni monster mom, may dalawang monster ang dumagdag sa pamilya.

naging kritikal ang mga panahon na iyon. kahit mag-aanim na taon ako noon, nalaman ko na walang trabaho ang aking puder.

naging mahirap para sa dalawang batang sumususo ng gatas at sa dalawa pang bata na nasa elementarya na.

wala rin naman pinagkaiba sa mga nagdaang panahon. mahirap pero okay lang. nakakaraos ang lahat.

pero ngayong 21 na ang dalawa, i just wish them maturity.

oras na to take things on their own. to learn things beyond those what we teach them. wag lang umasa sa mga sinsabi namin. pero, i don't want them to really be too independent naman. na kapag tinuturuan ko, ayaw naman nilang makinig.

ganyan lang sila. madalas, matigas ang ulo. and paminsan minsan din, hindi gumagana ang aking usual arsenal of weapons- intimidation, blackmail, frame up at persuasion.

sa nakaraang dalawang linggo na magkasama kami ng isang bubwit, madalas kaming mag-away. blame it with generation gap at pagkakaiba ng pagpapalaki, para akong nauupos na kandila sa enerhiya once na nagsimula na ang aming argumento. isang obsessive compulsive at isang burara na walang paki sa iba, i am like exiled sa haiti.


at eto ang resulta ng isang pag-aaway namin.

but thing is, ang presence ng dalawang monster ay hindi rin naman masama. lalo na kapag may mga bagay akong ayaw na gawin. may nauutusan lalo na kapag nauuto.

pero sige, i take this birthday of yours as a step in your growing up. i will give you this chance for proving me wrong.



in the mean time, i need massage. please lang, gawin niyo na kambal dahil matapos kong magpakahirap sa inyong birthday celebration kahapon. now na! or else, ibubunyag ko ang mga sikreto niyo sa facebook!

*photos taken here and here.

Headache and The Bones

headache.

one sensation that would describe my stay here. long weekend but long bout with the remnants of the flu virus.

so i started spending my vacation by watching what was supposed to be fitting for holloween- the lovely bones.

well, it was not actually scary. it was heavy. heavy in that it struck a lonely feeling. and a sad one.

but, it was alright. i love mark wahlberg as an actor. i can always relate to his vulnerability. it may not be that strong but it has always been effective.



i think i could never sleep alone anyway. not at these times. but crap, i have always been sleeping on my own.

*photo taken here.

Three Things

three things: inis, pagod at risk.

inis
as fate would have it, i passed the exam. i have moved on to the interview portion with all hopes of not doing a venus raj moment. after scoffing my stock of nursing knowledge, i was gifted with a mini celebration.

with careful thought of what to reason out for being absent, i made my way to the hospital of San Culas. one hour passed, i got a text from the nursing recruitment that the interviewer is sick so i will have to go back at 1pm.

so off i went to home and at 1130 am, i was again inhaling the toxic air of quezon city while corporately dressed in a very hot lunch time. i think i will be sick again after today. as soon as i got off from the jeepney, i got a text again saying that interview is postponed. instead, i will just have to come tomorrow.

i was really irritated for the unprofessional behavior and lack of respect for my time. i may be the one in need of a job but then again, i am still working for another hospital.

pagod
travelling to and fro to San Culas was not easy. i braved the harsh weather conditions of quezon city. i exceeded my daily dose of carbon monoxide. all in the meaningless waste of time and money.

i am tired. my body has not yet recovered from the flu that has hit me over the last two weeks. my cough is still making papansin and i could see eyes in fear over my continuous cough.

risk
i texted the personnel at San Culas to just reschedule my interview. i have too many absences from my current work and getting approval for my leave of absences may be too challenging.

did i just risk my chances for employment? probably. did i just showed my disinterest from the work? i hope not. but thing is, it was just not right for me to be treated like that.

so be it. if they call me again, then thank You, Lord. but if not, then maybe the work is not for me after all.

**********************
ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ, is this what you meant when you said that "sometimes you have to go to where you think the grass is greener to realize the grass is not greener on the other side?"

Miss

bukod sa exam, ang mga bilin ni ate na ipapadala sa isang taong paalis papunta ng qatar ang isa ata sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako tinamaan ng flu.

ang toxic lang ng Bible na pinapahanap niya. abonado pa ako sa biyahe at paglalakad sa sta mesa.

naisip ko, sige na nga. para sa isang kaluluwang sabik sa mga bagay na galing dito sa pinas.

nung 2008, lumipad ako papunta ng Ehipto para magtrabaho. walang baon na arabic o alam na kaibigan, nangibang-bansa ako.

higit sa pagkamiss sa pamilya, mas namiss ko ang pagkain. ultimo patatas kasi doon ay may lasang arabo. ang tomato sauce, ganun din. pati ang mga noodles na galing ng oriental side ng mundo ay parang may lasang arabo.

hindi gaya sa california na parang hindi ka umalis ng pilipinas, ang ehipto ay okay na rin kumpara sa saudi. well, kung ang pag-uusapan ay ang degree ng iyong kalayaan. nakakalakad naman ako kung saan ko gustong pumunta. hindi kailangan ng permit. ngunit, limitado lang ang mga choices mo- pagkain, lugar na pupuntahan, at mga ibang bagay pa na magpalilibangan.

ang sabi ko kay ate masyadong madami siyang pinapadala. hindi ba siya mapepressure kapag siya ang umuwi? well, mukhang hindi pa nagsisink-in sa kanya ang consequences ng laging pagpapadala sa mga taong paalis o papunta ng qatar.

namimiss daw niya kasi ang food. actually, nagcacrave daw. well, goodluck sa kanyang pagpapayat.

nung magpunta ako ng egypt, ilang buwan pa lang akong nagtatrabaho dun nung natapyas ang ilang kilo ng taba sa aking katawan. marahil sa pagod at kakulangan ng pagkaing pinoy.

hindi ko alam kung kelan ulit ako makakapagabroad. tatlo o limang taon mula ngayon? hindi ko masabi. sa ngayon, ieenjoy ko muna ang mga bagay na meron sa pinas. ang usok, alikabok, mga snatcher, mga bastos na driver, mga basura sa tabi-tabi, mga palengkerang tao. ang traffic, ang mahabang pila kahit saan, mga jeep, kuliglig at mga tambay sa kanto.

Karma

I don’t know if it is just me or what but I never stay in one place. Well, after a year that is. Man as they say never knew the meaning of contentment. So here I am, pondering the things that have happened over the last few weeks which brought me to the worst flu that has hit me in recent years.

Okay. I admit, I have applied for a nursing position at the hospital of San Culas. It started a month ago when a friend told me they were hiring.

I did and not even 24 hours since my application, it has come out in the open here at the office. Talk about being busted. And awkward.

Apparently, someone from San Culas called the chief nurse of our institution asking why me (a lowly analyst) would apply at their institution. This happened few hours after I submitted my papers at their office for consideration.

In shock or bewilderment probably, the chief nurse called our office and asked if I resigned already. And poof, it became Koko Crunch!

Alarmed, big brother and big sister reached out to me if I want to be at the bedside here at fundamental tossan. I said, I will think about it. Spell hesitation. I reasoned out that the reception of the narsisas here might be different. And awkward. Besides, I made a promise that I will not make my current post as a stepping stone to achieving the fame of a narsisa.

So that was me actually refusing their offer for a nursing post. This has left me thinking if I made the right decision. But, how will I know since San Culas has not yet contacted me.

Fast forward to last Wednesday, San Culas texted me for an exam the following day. After concocting a quite believable reason for sick leave and cramming for reading my notes, I went to the battlefield with nothing to lose.

I passed the first exam, an IQ measurement of some sort. It was one of the most difficult exams that I ever took. I prayed that should I move on to the next round (pageant-like?), it is really meant for me. And yes, I did move on to the next two rounds- the psychometric and the clinical exam.

The clinical exam, which will determine if I will move on to the interview portion, was kinda okay for me. I believed that I was able to answer most of the questions which brings me to question my clinical knowledge.

Why in the world, have I not received a text that I shall move on to the next round when it was supposed to be sent since last Friday? Did I fail the exam? Or is it because the department has not yet texted anybody pending the results of other examinees?

One part of me says that I should be happy. My failure (if I did fail the exam), would mean that I would not have to deal with my student loan at fundamental tossan. It would also mean a better record for my resume since it would show that I can stay in a work for more than a year. After some time, I could then request for transfer to the bedside with the area of my choice. That would also mean I have salary for the Christmas season.

But that would necessitate longer time with botcha girl. Plus the inconsistencies of the system of which I belong.

The other part in me wishes that the absence of a text from San Lucas was just a case of unsent messages. If indeed I failed, this is such a wake-up call of my nursing knowledge.

True to the words of the recruitment personnel, answer like your life depends on it for truly, your life will change should I fail or pass the exam. In what manner? I do not know yet.

Is this a classic case of karma? Or a redirection to where I am supposed to be?

The Next Sign

Day off. Gabi, mga mag-aalas otso. Papatapos na ang summer ngunit mainit pa rin. Ang langit, maaliwalas pa rin. Walang ulap. Wala ring bituin. Subalit, ang buwan ay nagmamalaki sa kanyang liwanag. Siya ang bida sa kalangitan doon.

Ilang araw ang nakalipas, nabili ko rin ang bagong digital camera na ninanais ko. Pagkatapos ng mga nakakapagod na pagtatrabaho, may naibunga rin ang lahat. Ready na ako para mag-upload ng mga larawan sa aking blog at facebook.

Wala pa rin internet connection ang aming flat. Tahimik. Kaya’t napagdesisyon kong puntahan ang flat ng mga kasama sa trabaho para makigamit ng internet. Dala ang dalawang cellphone, coin purse na may lamang iilang piastres (perang barya sa Egypt), flash drive at ang aking bagong camera.

Mainit ang hingin. Tahimik kong pinihit ang tarangkahan ng aming pintuan sa flat at naglakad ng walang pangamba sa gabi na pinamumunuan ng mga halakhak ng mga batang Egyptian na nagfu-football sa daan.

Ang buong akala ko, mag-isa akong naglalakad. Walang kasunod o walang ibang tao na patungo sa aking direksyon. Wala naman din akong naramdaman na kakaiba. Kaya’t ganun na lang ang aking pagkagimbal nang biglang sumulpot ang isang mama na may hawak na kutsilyo. Pipindot na lang ako ng doorbell ng aking mga katrabaho ngunit nangyari pa.

Hindi ko siya maintindihan.

Basta ang alam ko, hinihingi niya ang aking mga gamit- cellphone, pera at lahat. Napangiwi ako sa takot at kaba. First time ko.

Sa Pilipinas, maswerte ako na hindi ako nakaranas nito. Pero sa lahat ng lugar, dito pa. inisip ko ang aking magiging itsura. Ipapacremate kaya ako o kaya naman ay ireref at ilalagay sa parang kahon na kahoy pauwi sa pilipinas. Morbid pero dumating ako sa punto na what if mamatay ako.

At that point, I told myself na uuwi na talaga ako. Ito na ang hinihingi kong sign.
*************************************************************************
Two years passed, I am home.

My camera is still here but the batteries are not functioning. Luckily, I came home whole- and alive. I guess I am still blessed after all.

Now, the next sign shall be anticipated.

Plus

good morning monday!

today, i hope i can take it all- the madness, the demands and increasing patience. after what happened last night (a brutal argument with my brother, who is now staying with me), i decided upon opening my eyes from sleep that today will be a different one.

better. more positive.

so this is me trying to change my day.

have a great week ahead!

List

my list was full.

cook. do the laundry. clean the room. iron uniform. compute finances and make budget. go to church. have foot massage.

out of those tasks, i was not able to do three. i woke up early knowing that my list extends to Fairview. but, i spent half of the day reading nam's earliest post. surprised that he started blogging in 2004, i kinda devoured the posts.

reading them was like reading my blog. especially when he started in the u. s. of a. the emotions, the choice of words and the flow of the story. all natural.

as of this moment, i am resting from doing the other tasks on my list. i think i have a serious problem with procrastination.

this can't be good.

but then again, tomorrow will be another list.

Childlike

I have read somewhere that you do not stop when you have not achieved what you want to achieve. That you have to work harder in order to fulfill your dreams. That you need to continue searching and working what your heart truly desires.

As one entity advised, I need to have my back-up plans should my attempt to go back to my professional roots fail. With that, I might leave my comfort zone and meet new people who are more atrocious than those I regularly meet.

This is the part where my envy for little children comes in- when somebody decides for them and the only thing that matters to them is playing.

And eating when hungry.

Oprah Positive

So last Thursday and Friday, I attended something what you may call as the most appropriate workshop ever created for the disturbed employee soul that is in me. It was about the eight habits of conscientious worker.

For all the one or two readers out there in my blog, you know my troubled history of staying in one workplace when I reached that one year anniversary date.

I am that restless.

The workshop provided some new perception about life in general. Including the warfare at the jungle called office. In my last post, I decided to be a bitch but thing is, if it ain’t natural, it ain’t real. Does that make me good? Monster mom tells otherwise haha.

And yes, the workshop was like full of positivity. Really learned a lot especially in having control over all the sh*t the office carefully offers. Like a box of chocolates, I can choose not to pick them. But, experience proves otherwise.

The cheapo soul also was satisfied by given the free access to the video about “The Secrets.” Partly, I can actually tell that it has some truth in it as my state of my mind is in chaos; hence, my career path is also in discord.

Right now, I am trying to create that one big goal that my life will somehow accomplish. Thoughts will be reprogrammed to be positive. Smile lines will be evident in my big face.

And hopefully, this blog will be a lot positive in content.

Like Oprah positive.

Of Bitches and Perfect Life

bitches.

they are everywhere. in offices. in schools. in churches. in the buses. in the hospital. in the street.

they are those people who remind you that life is not perfect by making their presence felt. like fulfilling the role that was meant for them.

in these times of big decisions, bitches should be non-factor.

this is my life and i intend to make it close to perfect by banishing the roles of the bitches.

well, by being one.

Report Card

semestral break is finally official.

let me now do an evaluation of my self as a returning student at the post-graduate level.

1. Procrastination

i believe i could ace my exams and assignments if i did not let procrastination rule over me. two of my advanced pathophysiology assignments were done in haste hence, the poor quality.

i am just hoping for a good remark on my final exam and participation from online discussions. this, i should change come next semester.

2. Higher learning

the u.p. approach is different. application and integration of concepts learned bring about higher learning. learning is beyond memorization of concepts.

as for myself, it was not really that different or difficult. this is why i believe i made the right choice in going with u.p.

3. Time management

there was a point during the previous semester when i felt so overwhelmed with school requirements in the midst of a busy work load.

with time management, i believe i will not have difficulty in fulfilling two roles- student and a q.a. and lastly,

4. Discipline

shame on me for wasting a lot of time surfing the net for facebook. really have to have discipline if i want an unblemished academic record.

overall, i give myself a grade of 7 out of 10. this is based on the grades that i have received.

in the mean time, more time for facebook and blogging. (talk about discipline)

Rising Up

my mp3 is sansa. laptop is fujitsu. mobile phone is nokia.

the only apple product that our family ever had was an ipod nano, which is now in the hands of people who don't know how to earn a living that is why they steal things.

sadness has tainted this day when i am supposed to rise up from negativity. this, i see as an opportunity to build up my vision.

so to people who never feel afraid of conquering what is thought to be impossible, i salute you.

especially you who is now looking down from wherever you are, steve jobs.

Promise

hayee!

october is here and after the most expensive month that was september, i am here blogging- broke but happy. i'd say that i have never felt this happy during my birthday month. thanks to my friends for an indeed happy birthday.

there is only one thing that i want for my birthday.

please God, grant this gift to me. i promise to be a good nurse this time...