Of Current Mood

kakatapos ko lang ng apat na araw na duty bilang private duty nurse.  ok naman siya.  mas magaan actually compared sa mga trabaho sa loob ng ccu.  hawak ko ang oras lalo na kung hindi naman gising ang pasyente mo.

ang itinuturing kong pinakamalaking hurdle?  ang bedbath.  lalo na kapag bedridden ang patient at hindi ganon kabibo ang buddy nurse mo o nursing aide.  at ang tulog nga pala.  medyo hirap lang dahil sunod-sunod na dose oras ang shift mo.

well-compensated ka naman sa trabahong ito.  konting p.r. sa relatives at magkakasundo kayo.  wag mo na ring problemahin ang kakainin mo.  

pero sa totoo lang, nadedepress ako.

october na ngayon.  lumipas ang birthday ko dito sa pilipinas at hindi sa bansa na kung saan ako magtatrabaho gaya nang nakasulat sa listahan ng mga dapat kong magawa.  masaya naman ako sa kaarawan ko.  really.  i had dinner with my family and i went to church.  it was simple and i felt loved.

sa trabaho ko ngayon, makailang beses ko nang narinig ang "o diba paalis ka na?"  alam ko naman na aalis ako.  may kontrata na at lahat liban sa isang importanteng dokumento na hinihintay ko.  kapag naririnig ko to, may kung anong kurot sa puso ko.

i know i should never question Him.  my mind is just so limited that i cannot fathom how His mind works but in my limited capacity, hindi ko maiwasang magtanong.  

this is just temporary.  i know things will change pero bakit nga ba ang hirap maghold on sa mga katotohanang ito?

i guess i just need to swim more to shake these off...

Historical

historical, hindi hysterical.  yup, imbes na maging hysterical ako sa nangyari, i choose to be historical.

in 2003, i transferred to feu from dlsu.  i changed my course as well.  isang 360 degrees na pagbabago.  from the school hanggang sa inaaral ko.  nahuli ako ng isang taon mula sa batch mates ko sa high school.  imbes na four years, umabot ako ng five years.  pagsapit ng 2006, lumabas ang scandal sa leakage ng nurses' licensure examination.  marami akong mga kaibigan at kaklase ang naapektuhan nito.  dahil nahuli ako ng isang taon, naligtas ako sa scandal.

in 2008, nainterview ako for a work sa egypt.  nakapasa ako along with other applicants na naging kaibigan ko din.  i know that i was among the first applicants na nakapasa.  so i waited for my departure.  april may nakaalis na unang batch.  mayo may umalis ulit.  hindi na naman ako nakasama. june at august may umalis ulit.  naiwan pa rin ako.  at sa pagkahaba-haba ng paghihintay ko, nakaalis din ako ng september nung taon na iyon.   inayawan ako ang magtrabaho sa medical city at that time since i signed the contract for egypt when the offer came.  yes there were doubts.  probably regrets din.  pero by the time na nakarating kami ng egypt, we had a choice where to be assigned.  and so na-assign ako sa critical care unit. it was the best start for my nursing career.  intensive care unit agad and i had to practice it in a very different and difficult setting.  siguro kung napa-aga ako, baka na-assign ako sa general unit.  okay lang naman pero it was better at the critical care.

in 2009, nagtry ako sa u.k. after kong mag-egypt.  nakapasa na ako sa interview.  may visa na.  ticket na lang ang ipapabook kapag lumabas na ang decision letter ko na okay na ako para mag bridging program.  biglang hiningi ang registration details ko sa egypt which hindi ko naibigay dahil sa baluktot na pamumuno.  naiwanan ako for u.k. and i was back to zero.  five years na ang mga kasama ko sa application noon.

in 2010, i was working as a quality analyst.  wala sa bedside.  i was doing work outside of nursing.  after a year, nag-apply ako sa libya.  bedside nurse ako dun.  intensive care unit din.  nakapasa na ako sa interview na pinilahan ko for 10 hours.  tiniyaga ko yun.  pumasa na rin ako sa medical exam at nakapag-process ng papers.  two weeks before my payment for the placement fee, sumabog ang giyera sa libya.  hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tapos ang gulo.

ngayong 2014, sumubok ulit ako na mag-apply na maka-abroad.  reference letter naman ang problema ko.  dahil dito, nahuli na naman ako.  flight kanina ng mga kasama ko dapat papuntang u.k.  hindi muna ako nagbukas ng facebook.  aaminin ko, nasasaktan ako.  lalu na at nag-eexpect ako na magbibirthday doon pero hindi na naman tuloy. 

nag-apply ako kaninang magprivate duty nurse nang malibang at may pagkakitaan.  makakapagswimming din ako kung nagkataon.  nilibang ko ang sarili ko.  kahapon, nanood ako ng sine, yung the maze runner na nabasa ko na.  tinapos ko din ang if i stay.  at heto, nagsisimulang mag-aral sa pamamagitan ng youtube.

naisip ko, ang dami ng pagkakataon na yung mga delay at aberya ko, they all resulted into something better.  kung hindi man ako nailigtas sa giyera, scandal o sa pangit na lugar, alam ko na may dahilan lahat and this is not me rationalizing the events that happened.  nagpapakatotoo lang at nagpapakahistorical.

Short

hindi ako aabot.  hindi rin ako aalis this month.  there, i said it.

thanks to ryan, i got the one thing that i need right now- the painful dose of reality that i will not celebrate my birthday in another country  and for that, i feel for my parents.  again.  i feel like their hopes are being crushed again and again sa mga paasang pangyayari sa buhay ko.

i know hindi naman final to as compared dun sa nangyari sakin before.  it can be solved.  it is just that nagmamadali siguro ako and that i'd like to take these matters in my own time frame.  medyo excited siguro to experience new things but the timing is not right pa.   

i'll wait.  i will grab the chance to learn new things.  i'll continue swimming.  i'll probably work as a reliever for private duty nurses so i will still have an income.  then, i might travel to a new place kapag may konting naipon but i will definitely enjoy my birthday here...

Baliwag Festival

hi!

wala pa ring update sa hinihintay ko and my mind is starting to think like a mentally-ill patient would do.  natatakot.  nangangamba.  pano nga ba gagawin ko nito?

sa paglagi ko sa bahay,  tumaba ako.  after swimming for two straight weeks, mukhang mawawala ata lahat yung pinagpaguran ko.  so kanina, i started to run.  it felt like i am running away from my current situation.  parang gusto ko lang makawala at wag munang isipin kung ano naghihintay saken.  i felt relieved for that more or less one hour of physical activity.  there was nothing on my mind but to run and work my ass off.  same with the things that are scrambled on my room.  andyan pa rin yung mga gamit sa manila.  sobrang gulo lang ng room ko.  a part in me says that i have to finish cleaning the room in preparation ko sa pag-alis sa sept. 18 but the other part tells me to be realistic.  na baka hindi naman ako makasama so might as well put it off muna to free my mind from that nagging thought.

naisip ko, nagiging cycle na lang ang career ko.  mababakante pagkatapos makakahanap ng trabaho.  magtatrabaho nang saglit at aalis para makapagtrabaho sa mas magandang posisyon.  mag-aapply at siyempre,  laging magkakaroon ng aberya.  can somebody just make my applications easier?  sa totoo lang naiinis na ko.  lagi na lang ganito.  my family just want a simple life.  comfortable.  healthy.  debt-free and worry-free.  ganun lang naman.  hindi na kami nangangarap ng magandang kotse.  basta gumagana lang.  enough finances to buy healthy foods, vitamins and supplements to my aging parents and some extra to have candy her well-deserved grooming.

tsaka na yung mga out-of-town trips at bakasyon.  okay medyo bad vibes ako this monday.  sorry.  hindi maiwasan.  bukas, dead na deadine na talaga.  waahhhh!
 

Of Fears and Control

This is me at Mt. Pulag last May. You see, I have this fear of heights.  Aside from my fear of snakes and frogs pati pala large bodies of water.  Yung tipong puro tubig lang makikita mo. But yes, umaakyat ako ng bundok.  Mahilig din akong magpunta ng beach at magbabad sa tubig.  Like this:

Ang labo diba?

Bukas hanggang Martes, I will wait for something that is going to change my life. Nagresign na ako sa work ko to make an upgrade sa career.  Until now, naghihintay pa rin ako for my decision letter na pwede na akong magbridging program sa pupuntahan ko.  If lumabas na yung decision by Tuesday or bukas, makaka-alis na ako sa Sept. 18. If not, malamang sa november na. 

Sa mga ganitong bagay, lagi na lang may aberya.  Lagi na lang akong may ginagawang extra para lang matupad ang mga pangarap ko.  I never had the easy route sa alin mang endeavor ko sa buhay.  Madalas, gusto kong magtanong kung bakit.  Why does it has to be this way? Why does it feels like someone is trying to make me not achieve my dreams?  Bakit kailangang maghirap muna.

Well, hindi ko pa rin alam ang mga sagot but there is only one thing na natutunan ko sa pagpunta sa mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko.  Sa mga bundok na inakyat ko o sa dagat na nilangoy ko, God's creations show beauty and order. They reflect that my Lord has control over all things.  Even ang pagdating ng decision letter ko.

I guess my fears are lesser than my desire to witness His greatness.  

Day 2

hi!  i am home and officially unemployed day 2.  to be honest, i just do not know how to spend my days now.

well,  should be fixing my things now.

Great Things are Coming

it's been so long.  i know.  but soon i will be back.  starting now.  was just busy with work and trying to better my life.

great things are coming. :-)

Death

let us talk about death.

as someone who deals with death at work, i realized a lot of things.  for one, death knows no one.  you could be rich.  you could be an american, japanese, italian, filipino or whatever race.  you could be the president of a country.  you could be a national artist.  you could be a housekeeper.  you could be a person who does no vice and eats the right kinds of food.  you could be a religious person who prays everyday.  you could be a doctor.  however, death will surely come to you.

death chooses no time as well.  it strikes whether you are ready or not.  it comes whether you have settled your grudges with someone.  it surprises you.  sometimes, it is kind to you allowing time for you to prepare.  it knows no occasion or special dates.  it could be christmas or new year.  

lastly, death changes everything.

Plateau

okay.

i am doing this- blogging.  for some reason, my energy has been low.  motivation almost non-existent.  it is as if my life is on a standstill.  no, probably on a plateau.  i know what i want but somehow, i do not do anything to get it.  there is no excitement.  there is no thrill.  could it be my hormones?  or, my lack of actual personal relationships?

recently, i have tried tinder.  initially, i just wanted to try what my friends are telling me.  but i am liking it now.  one question from a match at the application asked me what i was doing before venturing to tinder and not dating.

gosh.

i could not think of any.  this just proved how boring my life is.  boring in the sense that it is steady.  not much of a roller coaster ride.  i believe there will be a time that things will change.  somebody will come to my life and make a full turn of what i am and what i am doing right now.

thinking of an answer, my life revolves on career and studies.  but now that nothing seems to matter to me, i would like excitement.  for something to make me wake up in the morning full of zest and do amazing things.

i hope this could be the start.

When Pulag Chose Me

at the start of the year, i decided to accomplish some things.

that includes being able to go to three new places.  by may, i was able to see four new places and it includes mt. pulag or as they say the "mountain of the gods."  

i do not earn a lot and to go to these places was a struggle that until now i am facing.  well, i exceeded my budget because of these:

yup, i have reached the highest peak in the island of luzon.  was i scared?  hell yeah!  i thought i was gonna die of fatigue yet we were still at the ranger station and have not started the actual trek yet.  we are not yet talking about the six-hour bus ride from manila to baguio and the four-hour ride from baguio to the jump off site.  

at the beginning, i told myself that i'll bring my things with me during the climb and that i will not hire a porter. but after a twenty-minute "walk" from the ranger station to the jump-off site, i definitely told myself that i badly needed a porter so i can truly enjoy the climb.

i was prepared to join other groups as i registered by myself with a travelling agency.  lo and behold, i met these workmates at the bus station and was totally surprised that we were on the same trip!  yay for friends!

did it rain?  totally.  slept with a wet and cold blanket as the moisture from the rain got inside of our tent. literally felt like a "basang sisiw."  i shivered and was tired from the trip but i was prepared for these things.

this is my prize for reaching the top and working my fat ass.  just beautiful.

in the past, i have told myself to never climb mountains.  i have fear of heights and honestly, i am not that physically fit.  i am lazy and i like eating double rice.  but after reaching the top and see the beauty of God's creation, i begin planning again my next climb.

of all climbs that i did in the past, this has to be the most challenging.  yet, it was also the most beautiful that i had.  i had to endure travelling with a 12-kilo bag that i thought i could manage to bring it with me at the top but realized early on that i could not.  i had to slip a number of times in the muddy paths and had to stop to breathe.  there were times that i could not feel my legs anymore and there were those times also that the cramps that i had made my eyes sweat.

however, i relished on every moment of the climb.  there were no regrets for sure as i  i felt the sacredness of the climb and of my intentions that i will keep to myself.  i never felt more human and more capable.  

thank you for choosing me pulag!