Intimacy Versus Isolation

"hindi ka tanga, mas ginagamit mo lang ang puso mo."
-lola ni persiveranda sa tv show ni ruffa mae quinto.

kung hindi ako tanga at kung hindi ko ginagamit ang puso ko, ano ako? napaisip ako sa linyang ito. i found the plot of the tv show very shallow but this line caught me unguarded.

i had to ask myself this question. at 24, so single since birth, i thought something is wrong with me. so are my friends. last friday, we had a great time chatting while sipping another dose of caffeine via starbucks. the mood was serious, inspiring and challenging. somehow, we drifted to the topic of being completely successful. us being great at careers but nothing when it comes to the love department.

then the thought of us becoming unsuccessful came as we stumbled upon erik erikson's psychosocial theory. at our age, we are already at the intimacy versus isolation stage. the main goal is here that we find intimacy through basically from work, relationships and family.

sa totoo lang, intimacy when you will first encounter it, is more intimacy sa relationships. ang intimacy through work or career e naisip lang ng mga tao na kagaya namin. may trabaho pero walang love life. ayon din sa theory, hindi ka normal kapag hindi mo nalampasan ang stage na ito kasi stagnant ka na dito. hindi ka magpoprogress sa next stage which is generativity versus stagnation. nakakatakot din. nakakakaba kasi some point in your life, you will realize that it is true.

all my life, i have been thinking about succeeding and in the end, i never felt the need to be loved by someone. so now, i am paying the price of not giving into it. moreso, not heading to the advice of erikson. but it is not too late right?

Truths About Waiting

the waiting time is the hardest moment. mas mahirap pa sa mga ginawa mong paghahanda. it makes you paranoid and downright crazy. mga pagkakataon na napapatanong ka sa sarili mo. ibinigay mo ba ang lahat ng iyong makakaya?

i never really liked waiting. it bores me and it is cruel. cruel in the sense that it makes me squirm in anticipation. the nerves would also climb down into my spine and every waking moment of my life is filled with questions and plans. plans for a failed attempt at life. ganito ako. i do not live in chaos much more in discord.

they say that in waiting you are developed. you develope patience and perseverence. then what diba? hindi ba mas maganda na wala ng paghihintay? hindi ba mas praktikal na umulit o kaya ay gumawa ng ibang paraan kapag ang isang pagtatangka ay nabigo? ang oras na inilagi sa paghihintay ay oras na maaring magamit sa pagsasagawa ng bagong hangarin sa buhay. this is what i would like to say to myself.

but life is not like that. everyone has to undergo the pains of waiting. each night, i like to convince myself that waiting is good. no, therapeutic. but then again, i still have to wait to see this happen in me.

Hanging Church and Citadel of Salah El Din

itutuloy ko ang aking naging paglalakbay sa egypt. eto pa ang mga ibang larawan na kuha doon:


hanging church sa mar gergis, egypt


still sa hanging church


sa citadel of salah el din


palabas sa the sphynx


at siyempre, kailangan ang picture with the camel! yay!

Pyramids at Sphinx

nangangati akong magtagalog. kaya kahit malapit na ang ielts exam ko, gagamitin ko muna ang ating sariling wika.

nung nagtatrabaho ako, maraming bagay ang tila napabayaan ko. nandyan ang aking kalusugan pati na rin ang komunikasyon sa mga ilang mahal ko sa buhay. naging abala sa pagpapahinga mula sa 12 oras na pagtatrabaho.

ngayong wala na akong trabaho, nagkaroon ako ng oras para gawin ang ilang bagay na noon ko pa dapat ginawa. isa na rito ang pagpopost ng mga larawan kuha sa egypt. kaya heto, sisimulan ko sa mga kuha ko sa pyramids at sphinx.


sa taas ng pyramids.


perfect shape.


ang sphinx at ako.


nasolo ko rin!


ang panorama. ang tanging lugar kung san kuha ang tatlong pyramids


inspired by coldman's visit in aspen

Of Hopes and Dreams

i have high hopes. even when i was young, i would dream bigger than the rest of my siblings. i am determined and when needed, i am bold in making decisions.

and so i did it again with me going back home. no money and no clear assurance to where i am going as my next job, i still pursued it. all for the bigger dreams. this is what i would like to instill in my stubborn mind in each morning i wake up.

it is necessary as i come to convince myself, that being motivated and driven to that one goal would lead me to higher grounds. however, after two days of searching here and there for a job, my future seemed gloomy.

some would require me taking the ielts again and this other specific agency wants currently employed nurses for their client. hello! currently employed? are you crazy? are they not informed about the current situation of the nurses here?

after waiting for nothing for 20 minutes and giving my all in their english exam, the hr personnel did not even give a look to my credentials. amazing. at this point, i cannot understand why these people would do the screening process whereas they cannot even understand the duties and responsibilities of nurses much more the specific nursing areas.

maybe i am just bitter. well, i am because that is a job offer in norway! the best country to live at this moment of time!

after that event, i kinda succumbed to self-pity and doubt. i began questioning my direction and my goal but, this is not the right time. as i have said, i dream big.

Now or Never

bakit ganon? parang lahat nalang ng efforts ko to be in a better place e laging naboblock. simula dun sa nareject na application ng family for migration sa canada, sa napostpone na trabaho ni dady sa U.S. kasama sana kami kung hindi dahil sa 9/11 at hanggang ngayon sa pag-apply ko sa australia. it seems that all roads leading to australia are being blocked someway or another.

i felt panic at first. shocks, ayaw ko ng bumalik sa egypt. i mean the work is ok but the people? i don't know. however, now is not the time to give up. after all, umuwi na ako at nandito na ito. i might as well do with what i have. God will provide sabi nga so i'll stick to this conviction of having to aim higher. kasi i believe, it is now or never.

Balikbayan Blues

what is it with "Balikbayans" that everybody thinks that they have sacks of dollars and that they are obliged to treat everybody back home?

yesterday, i have spoken with a friend who still works overseas. as expected, she told me that she deserves a treat from me and i asked her why since it is she who has still work and who will be the balikbayan come december. funny how this mentality of Filipinos persists in this time of crisis. it is no wonder that a lot of OFWS come home with some money and end up with no money. i really wish that it would change.

it is not about my cousin telling me that "Hindi ako mabiro kahit sa pang-inom lang." it is the thought that i did not work in other places just to have it spent on liquor or to cigarettes. i have been doing care for patients who are not able to. i give them baths. i clean them when they pass stool. i give them medications. oftentimes, i handle patients with communicable diseases. i am constantly exposed to such biological hazards that working sometimes is a danger for me.

i eat beyond mealtimes. my sleep pattern is crazy. sometimes, i am not able to sit even for just 30 minutes in the whole 12-hour shift. i spent my birthday, Christmas and New Year away from home and the comfort of my family. now, is it really okay for me to spend the little money i have earned for such reasons? have they not thought of the "balikbayans" tomorrow?

it is in this thought that i ask now for forgiveness to my special friends who are a little bit "nagtatampo" due to my silence of having arrived here. sorry my friends. i am still in the process of adjusting from "balikbayan" blues.

Home

and i finally arrived. yes my friends, i am now on the Philippine soil. no more sallah. no more mohammed everywhere. no more "putok." no more gossips, rumors and frustrations. no more frenemies. no more power-tripping people. no more patients demanding every second of my attention. more importantly, no more work and no more money. so what's next?

surreal. that is how i will describe my four days of being here in the Philippines. at first, i said to myself that nothing's new. i realized, the place and the people, they are not new but me being immersed again in this circumstance is new. after a year of being away and living in a very conservative place, i am now in this very dynamic and very different place. i felt like a stranger to my own country and it is just so weird.

i have always feared the feeling of this awkwardness and the thought of what is next for me. i guess it is just normal to experience these once you are out of your comfort zone. so do i miss egypt? a little bit. i more comfortable here. truly, there is no place like home.

Salam Egypt!

it was august 27 last year when i had the text message that i am set to leave for egypt by first week of september. at that time, i had already abandoned the plan of working where i am now. i have waited for it for about six months and i figured that it aint gonna happen.

so i pursued my nclex application and my plans to go to australia as well. things started pretty well until this text message changed my course of actions. i said to myself, a work experience is still a work experience. and so year later, i am celebrating my one year anniversary here in egypt and waiting for october 2, today, the date i will leave egypt.

i could have stayed longer. i could have finished my contract. i could have endured the situation of being away from home. but, i cannot endure the feeling that i am not suited into this place of people who do not have the penchant of excellence at work. i cannot take the thought that i am better off somewhere else rather in this ill-fated place of opportunists and greedy people.

i should thank them. yes, i should. for the trust to put a newbie in icu and for the belief that i can survive it. thank you for the small salary that is always cut by my penalty for absences because without it, i cannot have my fiona and sitti- my laptop and digicam. i should thank them for friends that i've met, for my colleagues in ccu that are truly worth keeping for life-ate emma, mark, gerby, jen, aidel,liza and she. i should thank them for letting me work with dr. shamy and dr. magrabhy for they believe and appreciate my work. i should thank them for the lessons in life that i have learned in the hard way. for making me feel that i should stand up for my rights, for what i want in my life and for what i truly believer is right.

i could cry over the hardships i endured, the body weight i've lost, the emotional upsets that occur to me over my persistence to be always at my best. i will miss egypt and all the special people i keep in my heart.