from this very moment, i promise myself to never go at websites like yahoo sports, msn sports, sports forum at pex and studio 23's coverage of the uaap.
it is just that i cannot stand my favorite players/teams losing. i get so emotional and attached to the point that i am almost afraid that i would do the same...
first is roddick then rafa. after rafa came justin at the australian open finals. then the feu women's volleyball team. who's next? am i the jinx or what?
everyone longs for victory. i mean who doesn't? that feeling of all your hard work has finally paid off is just priceless. the moments of standing up and you are not afraid to face the whole world because you are just so proud of yourself that you have made it.
but there are always two faces in a game. the victor and the loser. the thing is, we always see one face. that of the victor. but the loser? nothing.
what's adding to the stab caused by losing is that as if no one cares for you. you are left in the crowd, drenched in gallons of sweat while catching for your breath and you are just waiting for the time. that time of finally coming in terms with the fact that you lost and you just have to move on.
it's tough actually. i have been there. many times. with each moment of defeat, it does not get any easier.
was it because of the underdog mentality that many of us would wallow in defeat while waiting for the strike back? i believe that in losing, we are winning.
but in which area? probably of character formation. in losing, we are faced with the reality that not all times we are the victor. that at some point during the process of preparing and engaging in the battle, we made some mistakes.
lingering adamantly, we pick up the pieces. broken, we stand up. regrouping with so much focus, we swim out our way to the losers' realm.
in losing, i close my eyes and breathe air to my head. flushed with blood and emotions of staggering intensity, i pray in thanksgiving that it is finished and another one will begin...
****************************************
my tribute to rafael nadal and andy roddick who both retired at the quarters in the recently-concluded australian open and to justin henin who was defeated during the finals in the same tournament.
this one also goes to the feu womens' volleball team who after winning two sets early on succumbed to losing at the deciding set that would shut the door for a final four appearance.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thank God for Friends!
last night, i had myself screaming on random songs for the sake of good fun. i met some old classmates but still the set of my closest friends.
last week, i spent a lot of time and money completing my requirements for uk. little by little, i am having some progress. Thy will be done...
also, i had to fight the feelings of being worthless as i had to spend a lot of effort on the other times doing nothing. yes nothing except to watch the fringe and read some books that i bought.
but no nursing books here. it was in this plight that my mom had to be a little irritating making me feel that i am doing nothing.
and so my night out had to be a punctuation mark signaling my continued goal to greatness. to better days. it was fun and i could not imagine the night getting any better.
dining at luk yuen after sitting at one of the comfy sofa sets at glorietta for three hours while waiting for my friends to arrive started my night. the food was just simply sumptuous.
after talking anything under the sun which will normally include sherwin being the grade-conscious that he is, jon's mountain of stress at work, benj's adventures at work, karen's no nonsense attitude at life and me always completing some requirements for my work in UK, we proceeded to a specific KTV to give some stretching at our own vocal chords.
song after song and after some bottles of beer, our inhibitions were gone. while at times we cannot stand hearing our own voice, we still managed to have fun at its purest form.
we had to end our night around 3 am. karen still had her masteral class to attend while benj had to prepare for his interview at 8 am.
i, on the other hand, had to go back to reality. thank God for friends!
last week, i spent a lot of time and money completing my requirements for uk. little by little, i am having some progress. Thy will be done...
also, i had to fight the feelings of being worthless as i had to spend a lot of effort on the other times doing nothing. yes nothing except to watch the fringe and read some books that i bought.
but no nursing books here. it was in this plight that my mom had to be a little irritating making me feel that i am doing nothing.
and so my night out had to be a punctuation mark signaling my continued goal to greatness. to better days. it was fun and i could not imagine the night getting any better.
dining at luk yuen after sitting at one of the comfy sofa sets at glorietta for three hours while waiting for my friends to arrive started my night. the food was just simply sumptuous.
after talking anything under the sun which will normally include sherwin being the grade-conscious that he is, jon's mountain of stress at work, benj's adventures at work, karen's no nonsense attitude at life and me always completing some requirements for my work in UK, we proceeded to a specific KTV to give some stretching at our own vocal chords.
song after song and after some bottles of beer, our inhibitions were gone. while at times we cannot stand hearing our own voice, we still managed to have fun at its purest form.
we had to end our night around 3 am. karen still had her masteral class to attend while benj had to prepare for his interview at 8 am.
i, on the other hand, had to go back to reality. thank God for friends!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Now I Am Thankful
thinking most of the time of living somewhere other than the philippines and being with other nationalities, something hit me really hard.
pao is now based in trinidad and tobago. one of the caribbean countries, the place is such a beauty. it opened a lot of doors for pao and other filipinos as well.
now pao is a nurse and as such, he gets to interact with a lot of people. among them are the new batch of nurses who come from cuba according to him.
when i think about cuba, i think about eva mendez, cameron diaz and the mighty cuban women's volleyball team that won three straight gold medals in the olympics. i also think of cuban cigars, the magnificent beaches and havana.
joking about my fascination of gorgeous cubans, pao told me another side of them. i forgot about fidel castro. of cuba being a communist country.
he told me that these colleagues of ours are forced to work there. their salary sent directly to cuba-to their families and government. they cannot stay there for long. after two years, they are forced to go back to cuba and serve their country.
they were friendly he told me. as locals of trinidad and tobago would tend to be snobbish, filipinos would always sport the friendly spirit that we have.
i will not be ashamed in admitting that almost all my life, i have been dreaming of living in another country and marrying of another nationality. it is not that i do not love our country. it is just that i grew tired of the system in our place.
pao in the end told me that still, we are lucky. we have our phones, access to the internet and can live and work anywhere we want.
it hit me big time. at this, i suddenly thanked God that i was born as a filipino.
pao is now based in trinidad and tobago. one of the caribbean countries, the place is such a beauty. it opened a lot of doors for pao and other filipinos as well.
now pao is a nurse and as such, he gets to interact with a lot of people. among them are the new batch of nurses who come from cuba according to him.
when i think about cuba, i think about eva mendez, cameron diaz and the mighty cuban women's volleyball team that won three straight gold medals in the olympics. i also think of cuban cigars, the magnificent beaches and havana.
joking about my fascination of gorgeous cubans, pao told me another side of them. i forgot about fidel castro. of cuba being a communist country.
he told me that these colleagues of ours are forced to work there. their salary sent directly to cuba-to their families and government. they cannot stay there for long. after two years, they are forced to go back to cuba and serve their country.
they were friendly he told me. as locals of trinidad and tobago would tend to be snobbish, filipinos would always sport the friendly spirit that we have.
i will not be ashamed in admitting that almost all my life, i have been dreaming of living in another country and marrying of another nationality. it is not that i do not love our country. it is just that i grew tired of the system in our place.
pao in the end told me that still, we are lucky. we have our phones, access to the internet and can live and work anywhere we want.
it hit me big time. at this, i suddenly thanked God that i was born as a filipino.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Avatar Make-up Tutorial
one of the reasons why avatar is such a hit! i had myself laughing really hard. enjoy!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Last Part of My Trip to Alexandria
to continue with my trip to alexandria in egypt, i will now feature the greco-roman amphitheater, the pompey's pillar and the catacombs.
first is the amphitheater. nothing much written about the theater. while in the heart of the city, magugulat ka when you will find these remains of the old theater. i am lost for words kung gano kaimpressibo ang lugar na to.
to sit here is like listening to an oration thousands of years back.
this magnificent view will welcome you pagpasok mo palang ng gate.
roman baths daw. very well-preserved pa ren. wow, naliligo pala mga tao noon kasi minsan napapaisip ako kung ung mga tao ngayon dito e naliligo araw-araw.
would you believe na itong katabi kong ito e nahukay sa dagat malapit sa qaitbay citadel? malapit daw ito sa original site ng lighthouse ni alexander na lumubog noong unang panahon.
now let's take a look at the pompey's pillar. sabi sa wikipedia, isa ang pompey's pillar sa dapat na mapuntahan sa alexandria. natiyempuhan lang namin actually ang pillar kasi while looking for the catacombs which by the way is forgettable. to tell you, ang paligid ng pillar e parang nasa squatters' area which is contrasting sa kagandahan ng pillar.
"Pompey's Pillar" is one of the best-known ancient monuments still standing in Alexandria today. It is located on Alexandria's ancient acropolis — a modest hill located adjacent to the city's Arab cemetery — and was originally part of a temple colonnade.
Including its pedestal, it is 30 m (99 ft) high; the shaft is of polished red granite, 2.7 meters in diameter at the base, tapering to 2.4 meters at the top. The shaft is 88 feet high made out of a single piece of granite. This would be 132 cubic meters or approximately 396 tons.
Pompey's Pillar may have been erected using the same methods that were used to erect the ancient obelisks. The Romans had cranes but they weren't strong enough to lift something this heavy.
The structure was plundered and demolished in the 4th century when a bishop decreed that Paganism must be eradicated. "Pompey's Pillar" is a misnomer, as it has nothing to do with Pompey, having been erected in 293 for Diocletian, possibly in memory of the rebellion of Domitius Domitianus. Beneath the acropolis itself are the subterranean remains of the Serapeum, where the mysteries of the god Serapis were enacted, and whose carved wall niches are believed to have provided overflow storage space for the ancient Library.
last is the catacombs. sa totoo lang, hindi ako nagenjoy dito. bukod sa hindi pwede ang camera sa loob, wala akong nakitang maganda sa mga tombs na matatagpuan pababa sa lupa. i felt na parang naging claustrophobic ako bigla nang magpunta ako dito.
Alexandria's catacombs, known as Kom al-Soqqafa, are a short distance southwest of the pillar, consist of a multi-level labyrinth, reached via a large spiral staircase, and featuring dozens of chambers adorned with sculpted pillars, statues, and other syncretic Romano-Egyptian religious symbols, burial niches and sarcophagi, as well as a large Roman-style banquet room, where memorial meals were conducted by relatives of the deceased. The catacombs were long forgotten by the citizens until they were discovered by accident in the 1800s (wikipedia.org).
umuwi man akong walang masyadong naipon, i have these pictures and memories from egypt. from the experience na nakuha ko sa dar, i can start all over again with these.
first is the amphitheater. nothing much written about the theater. while in the heart of the city, magugulat ka when you will find these remains of the old theater. i am lost for words kung gano kaimpressibo ang lugar na to.
to sit here is like listening to an oration thousands of years back.
this magnificent view will welcome you pagpasok mo palang ng gate.
roman baths daw. very well-preserved pa ren. wow, naliligo pala mga tao noon kasi minsan napapaisip ako kung ung mga tao ngayon dito e naliligo araw-araw.
would you believe na itong katabi kong ito e nahukay sa dagat malapit sa qaitbay citadel? malapit daw ito sa original site ng lighthouse ni alexander na lumubog noong unang panahon.
now let's take a look at the pompey's pillar. sabi sa wikipedia, isa ang pompey's pillar sa dapat na mapuntahan sa alexandria. natiyempuhan lang namin actually ang pillar kasi while looking for the catacombs which by the way is forgettable. to tell you, ang paligid ng pillar e parang nasa squatters' area which is contrasting sa kagandahan ng pillar.
"Pompey's Pillar" is one of the best-known ancient monuments still standing in Alexandria today. It is located on Alexandria's ancient acropolis — a modest hill located adjacent to the city's Arab cemetery — and was originally part of a temple colonnade.
Including its pedestal, it is 30 m (99 ft) high; the shaft is of polished red granite, 2.7 meters in diameter at the base, tapering to 2.4 meters at the top. The shaft is 88 feet high made out of a single piece of granite. This would be 132 cubic meters or approximately 396 tons.
Pompey's Pillar may have been erected using the same methods that were used to erect the ancient obelisks. The Romans had cranes but they weren't strong enough to lift something this heavy.
The structure was plundered and demolished in the 4th century when a bishop decreed that Paganism must be eradicated. "Pompey's Pillar" is a misnomer, as it has nothing to do with Pompey, having been erected in 293 for Diocletian, possibly in memory of the rebellion of Domitius Domitianus. Beneath the acropolis itself are the subterranean remains of the Serapeum, where the mysteries of the god Serapis were enacted, and whose carved wall niches are believed to have provided overflow storage space for the ancient Library.
last is the catacombs. sa totoo lang, hindi ako nagenjoy dito. bukod sa hindi pwede ang camera sa loob, wala akong nakitang maganda sa mga tombs na matatagpuan pababa sa lupa. i felt na parang naging claustrophobic ako bigla nang magpunta ako dito.
Alexandria's catacombs, known as Kom al-Soqqafa, are a short distance southwest of the pillar, consist of a multi-level labyrinth, reached via a large spiral staircase, and featuring dozens of chambers adorned with sculpted pillars, statues, and other syncretic Romano-Egyptian religious symbols, burial niches and sarcophagi, as well as a large Roman-style banquet room, where memorial meals were conducted by relatives of the deceased. The catacombs were long forgotten by the citizens until they were discovered by accident in the 1800s (wikipedia.org).
umuwi man akong walang masyadong naipon, i have these pictures and memories from egypt. from the experience na nakuha ko sa dar, i can start all over again with these.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Yes I Can
i was busy last week. but the kind that you just want to thank God that you are on to something great.
after a lot of mental battles, i finally chose victory by virtue of faith. i prayed hard and gaining the courage that only God can give, i decided to do my medical exams.
it was fast and much comfortable than the last i did two years back. the feeling was something that you just have to smile and be happy.
at that same day, the second pack of my application for the nursing council came. nervous of what it will require me to accomplish, i said a little prayer. it turned out to be just fine because i believe with the graces of God, i can complete them all.
to sum it up, all things are falling into their rightful places. the timing and the chances, i could not ask for more. not to forget that just this hour, i received the results of my medical exam and it was stated there that i am fit to work.
how can we turn away from something good? how can we not accept a life of goodness and abundance?
change is good, really. to me, it has provided a new perspective in me. something i want to keep for long or maybe for life.
after a lot of mental battles, i finally chose victory by virtue of faith. i prayed hard and gaining the courage that only God can give, i decided to do my medical exams.
it was fast and much comfortable than the last i did two years back. the feeling was something that you just have to smile and be happy.
at that same day, the second pack of my application for the nursing council came. nervous of what it will require me to accomplish, i said a little prayer. it turned out to be just fine because i believe with the graces of God, i can complete them all.
to sum it up, all things are falling into their rightful places. the timing and the chances, i could not ask for more. not to forget that just this hour, i received the results of my medical exam and it was stated there that i am fit to work.
how can we turn away from something good? how can we not accept a life of goodness and abundance?
change is good, really. to me, it has provided a new perspective in me. something i want to keep for long or maybe for life.
Tears from Something Good
about three drops of tears fell. it was not important. at this moment, his heart was warmed with the goodness he just witnessed.
jason ivler was caught. finally. lives were lost and broken hearts left. finally, something good happened.
as a nurse, he was unsure of his feelings though. that person, after resisting arrest and trying to do a killing spree again, was in a critical condition.
he can see the point that he took an oath to fulfill the call of his profession but the point of having to take care of a person who had cost a lot of pain is just overpowering.
he wanted to cry more but it will not work now. the experiences from his work has somehow made him easy about the feelings of death. at least of other people. this, is somehow alarming him.
yes, it was good but also bad. mixed. perplexing. but still, God wants people to believe that justice belongs to Him...
jason ivler was caught. finally. lives were lost and broken hearts left. finally, something good happened.
as a nurse, he was unsure of his feelings though. that person, after resisting arrest and trying to do a killing spree again, was in a critical condition.
he can see the point that he took an oath to fulfill the call of his profession but the point of having to take care of a person who had cost a lot of pain is just overpowering.
he wanted to cry more but it will not work now. the experiences from his work has somehow made him easy about the feelings of death. at least of other people. this, is somehow alarming him.
yes, it was good but also bad. mixed. perplexing. but still, God wants people to believe that justice belongs to Him...
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I Didn't Britney
today marked one of the boldest decisions i have made in my life. i shaved my hair off!
these past few days, i have been contemplating on a lot of things. mainly, of changes and improvements.
at 24, i see myself as one who is still covered with my own cocoon. i believe that i have not reached my fullest potentials.
an introvert, there's a thousand things waiting for me should i open myself more to the world.
i didn't britney (yes, some people are using it now as a verb). i can still handle the foolishness of this world let alone my mom. it is just that, i want something that will show the world that i am now changing. for the very best of me.
predictable. yes i am. bound by rules and dictates of people around me, i am now proving them wrong.
but not in a negative way. maybe of something that is not me. or something they did not expect me to be or do.
these past few days, i have been contemplating on a lot of things. mainly, of changes and improvements.
at 24, i see myself as one who is still covered with my own cocoon. i believe that i have not reached my fullest potentials.
an introvert, there's a thousand things waiting for me should i open myself more to the world.
i didn't britney (yes, some people are using it now as a verb). i can still handle the foolishness of this world let alone my mom. it is just that, i want something that will show the world that i am now changing. for the very best of me.
predictable. yes i am. bound by rules and dictates of people around me, i am now proving them wrong.
but not in a negative way. maybe of something that is not me. or something they did not expect me to be or do.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Too Much To Handle
back in high school, may mga kaklase ako who imagined themselves to be diva. kumpleto yan- may celine dion, whitney houston, mariah carey, christina aguillera and britney spears. though questionable si britney spears, it was fun watching them interact. and when i say interact, it means laitan.
when calling each other, they use the name co-diva. sometimes, they would even engage into a show performing in front of the class.
naalala ko lang to kasi mariah carey just made my day. hindi ko alam kung sobrang saya lang niya na manalo at nawala siya sa sarili or sobrang lasing lang siya. here, watch the videos.
heto pa!
have a great day!
when calling each other, they use the name co-diva. sometimes, they would even engage into a show performing in front of the class.
naalala ko lang to kasi mariah carey just made my day. hindi ko alam kung sobrang saya lang niya na manalo at nawala siya sa sarili or sobrang lasing lang siya. here, watch the videos.
heto pa!
have a great day!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Maiba Naman
since madami pa akong hindi naipopost na pictures from my trip sa egypt and para maiba naman sa mga madamdamin kong post, i will now continue with some miscellaneous pictures from alexandria.
heto ang alexandria by day. sa kakalakad, ang dami naming nakita at nadiscover na mga lugar.
in honor of alexander the great. i took this picture while riding a taxi papunta sa montaza palace.
so heto na ung montaza palace. It was one of the palaces of the former Egyptian royal family (the descendants of Muhammad Ali) located in Alexandria, Egypt. It was built in 1892 by Abbas Hilmi Pasha, the last khedive (viceroy) of Egypt (wikipedia.org).
me at unknown side of the palace. hindi ko na alam kung sang side ito sa sobrang laki niya. sadly, hindi kami nakapasok kasi hindi raw siya open for public. bantay sarado din ito ng mga national guards of egypt.
while walking around the montaza palace, we were able to come across this great architecture. tingin namen e mini-parthenon.
pagod mula sa kakapasyal. i am still at the village of montaza palace which is surrounded by the mediterranean sea.
this is the stanley bridge. you are very sure that you are in alexandria kapag nakita mo to.
this is shrine of the unknown soldier at the heart of alexandria. kinda creepy diba?
sa totoo lang, lahat ng mga pamamasyal ko sa egypt ay memorable. sinulit ang lahat ng pwedeng makita at magawa while my eyes feasted on every detail na pwede kong tignan. masaya. nakakamiss. nakakalungkot din kasi deep inside my heart, nalalabuan ako kung makakabalik pa ko dun.
nung nagpunta kami ni kuya alex sa alexandria, we planned for a one-day trip lang. balikan ba. with some arabic translations for the places to be visited na niresearch ko, we proceded with the plan. we had so much fun kahit medyo tinanghali na kami ng dating from almost three hours na biyahe.
sa sobrang nagenjoy kami at gusto naming mapuntahan lahat, kuya alex and i decided to stay overnight. without clothes at mga gamit na pangtulog o pangligo and worst, without our passports since nasa h.r. ng hospital namin, tumuloy pa rin kami. without assurance na may tatanggap samin na hotel since wala kaming documents except for our work id, hindi na namin inisip yun. we were so mesmerized with alexandria that we just had to stay longer.
kahit hilamos lang, hindi ko na pinansin yun kasi i had my eyes full on every sight sa alexandria. next site sa alexandria, ang greco-roman ampitheater.
heto ang alexandria by day. sa kakalakad, ang dami naming nakita at nadiscover na mga lugar.
in honor of alexander the great. i took this picture while riding a taxi papunta sa montaza palace.
so heto na ung montaza palace. It was one of the palaces of the former Egyptian royal family (the descendants of Muhammad Ali) located in Alexandria, Egypt. It was built in 1892 by Abbas Hilmi Pasha, the last khedive (viceroy) of Egypt (wikipedia.org).
me at unknown side of the palace. hindi ko na alam kung sang side ito sa sobrang laki niya. sadly, hindi kami nakapasok kasi hindi raw siya open for public. bantay sarado din ito ng mga national guards of egypt.
while walking around the montaza palace, we were able to come across this great architecture. tingin namen e mini-parthenon.
pagod mula sa kakapasyal. i am still at the village of montaza palace which is surrounded by the mediterranean sea.
this is the stanley bridge. you are very sure that you are in alexandria kapag nakita mo to.
this is shrine of the unknown soldier at the heart of alexandria. kinda creepy diba?
sa totoo lang, lahat ng mga pamamasyal ko sa egypt ay memorable. sinulit ang lahat ng pwedeng makita at magawa while my eyes feasted on every detail na pwede kong tignan. masaya. nakakamiss. nakakalungkot din kasi deep inside my heart, nalalabuan ako kung makakabalik pa ko dun.
nung nagpunta kami ni kuya alex sa alexandria, we planned for a one-day trip lang. balikan ba. with some arabic translations for the places to be visited na niresearch ko, we proceded with the plan. we had so much fun kahit medyo tinanghali na kami ng dating from almost three hours na biyahe.
sa sobrang nagenjoy kami at gusto naming mapuntahan lahat, kuya alex and i decided to stay overnight. without clothes at mga gamit na pangtulog o pangligo and worst, without our passports since nasa h.r. ng hospital namin, tumuloy pa rin kami. without assurance na may tatanggap samin na hotel since wala kaming documents except for our work id, hindi na namin inisip yun. we were so mesmerized with alexandria that we just had to stay longer.
kahit hilamos lang, hindi ko na pinansin yun kasi i had my eyes full on every sight sa alexandria. next site sa alexandria, ang greco-roman ampitheater.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
On to a Great Start
i drank 2 shots of wine and vodka. took one cigarette. cursed. binged. watched porn. slept almost the whole day. lost my temper. felt hopeless. was depressed. impatient. and now sleeping at 3 in the morning.
what a great start! wish me luck.
what a great start! wish me luck.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
1. Self- Love
i am always hopeful about beginnings. it gives me a spirit of positivism amidst my occasional depression.
fresh from the new year's vibe of starting anew, i initially planned on being a better person. capable of having self-love. self-love would include appreciating who and what i have in my life for without them, i can never experience love. better, self-love.
this would include loving ahem, my "wonderful" mom.
you see, i had done my complete assessment on the condition of our family. a lot of people would say that we are the perfect family but i beg to disagree.
our family may look in the outside as a closely-knit one but inside our home, it is a different story. i believe our family exists just for the justification of its presence. that is, to procreate human beings. as many would put it, love should be the main ingredient. in ours? love is absent.
everyone is far from each other. breeding hate, my mom always tops it. impatient, demanding, dominating and sees the world as her world only, she seems to be the pair of scissors that is cutting our ties. dad can't seem to help it as he seems to tolerate and endure her bad ways. sister on the other hand just can't seem to stand on her own.
and the twins? they can't be bothered by their own world. there is no kissing, hugging and for the love of God, any good stories to share with each other. stiff and bound by traditional rules, i believe our home is void of feelings. true and honest.
the past two days, i had dreams of having a baby. even a family. i cried because it has deeply come to me that i want my own. but then, fear had its way in me. i fear myself being not the father that i wished my dad was or me acquiring the ways of my mom.
self-love i believe, is a very challenging task for me to achieve. how can i love without knowing how to love?
awareness should take place. aware of what i can do and what i cannot.
it would also mean giving myself a chance. for love. for exploring new horizons.
improvement would also join my own definition of self-love. towards my greatest, i desire to bring out the best that i can ever be.
as i see it, there is nothing wrong in being positive and trying to achieve something in you life. what is worst is not making any effort to change old and dumb ways.
fears will always be there but dreams are worthy to live for.
fresh from the new year's vibe of starting anew, i initially planned on being a better person. capable of having self-love. self-love would include appreciating who and what i have in my life for without them, i can never experience love. better, self-love.
this would include loving ahem, my "wonderful" mom.
you see, i had done my complete assessment on the condition of our family. a lot of people would say that we are the perfect family but i beg to disagree.
our family may look in the outside as a closely-knit one but inside our home, it is a different story. i believe our family exists just for the justification of its presence. that is, to procreate human beings. as many would put it, love should be the main ingredient. in ours? love is absent.
everyone is far from each other. breeding hate, my mom always tops it. impatient, demanding, dominating and sees the world as her world only, she seems to be the pair of scissors that is cutting our ties. dad can't seem to help it as he seems to tolerate and endure her bad ways. sister on the other hand just can't seem to stand on her own.
and the twins? they can't be bothered by their own world. there is no kissing, hugging and for the love of God, any good stories to share with each other. stiff and bound by traditional rules, i believe our home is void of feelings. true and honest.
the past two days, i had dreams of having a baby. even a family. i cried because it has deeply come to me that i want my own. but then, fear had its way in me. i fear myself being not the father that i wished my dad was or me acquiring the ways of my mom.
self-love i believe, is a very challenging task for me to achieve. how can i love without knowing how to love?
awareness should take place. aware of what i can do and what i cannot.
it would also mean giving myself a chance. for love. for exploring new horizons.
improvement would also join my own definition of self-love. towards my greatest, i desire to bring out the best that i can ever be.
as i see it, there is nothing wrong in being positive and trying to achieve something in you life. what is worst is not making any effort to change old and dumb ways.
fears will always be there but dreams are worthy to live for.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
A Time for Change
a new year has come and each year, a lot of people yearn for changes in their lives. maybe to compensate for the past mistakes and to build a new and promising one, all are bent on planning for changes. for modifications and for renewals.
this year, i envision myself doing things that i didn't care to do all my life. to this, i have to embrace the core of my life. of my humanity.
i would like to share this to you that i read from a blog of annelle.
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
i pray for the best me in 2010. cheers!
this year, i envision myself doing things that i didn't care to do all my life. to this, i have to embrace the core of my life. of my humanity.
i would like to share this to you that i read from a blog of annelle.
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
i pray for the best me in 2010. cheers!
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