i am always hopeful about beginnings. it gives me a spirit of positivism amidst my occasional depression.
fresh from the new year's vibe of starting anew, i initially planned on being a better person. capable of having self-love. self-love would include appreciating who and what i have in my life for without them, i can never experience love. better, self-love.
this would include loving ahem, my "wonderful" mom.
you see, i had done my complete assessment on the condition of our family. a lot of people would say that we are the perfect family but i beg to disagree.
our family may look in the outside as a closely-knit one but inside our home, it is a different story. i believe our family exists just for the justification of its presence. that is, to procreate human beings. as many would put it, love should be the main ingredient. in ours? love is absent.
everyone is far from each other. breeding hate, my mom always tops it. impatient, demanding, dominating and sees the world as her world only, she seems to be the pair of scissors that is cutting our ties. dad can't seem to help it as he seems to tolerate and endure her bad ways. sister on the other hand just can't seem to stand on her own.
and the twins? they can't be bothered by their own world. there is no kissing, hugging and for the love of God, any good stories to share with each other. stiff and bound by traditional rules, i believe our home is void of feelings. true and honest.
the past two days, i had dreams of having a baby. even a family. i cried because it has deeply come to me that i want my own. but then, fear had its way in me. i fear myself being not the father that i wished my dad was or me acquiring the ways of my mom.
self-love i believe, is a very challenging task for me to achieve. how can i love without knowing how to love?
awareness should take place. aware of what i can do and what i cannot.
it would also mean giving myself a chance. for love. for exploring new horizons.
improvement would also join my own definition of self-love. towards my greatest, i desire to bring out the best that i can ever be.
as i see it, there is nothing wrong in being positive and trying to achieve something in you life. what is worst is not making any effort to change old and dumb ways.
fears will always be there but dreams are worthy to live for.