85: Shortened

Mukhang hindi na magtatagal ang aking pagpupuyat at pagiging on-call. I have decided that my current patient will be my last.  Tama na muna.  Magpapahinga muna ako.

Naconfirm ko rin kahapon ang ilang detalye sa pag-alis ko.  It seems that my 106 days of waiting and preparation are too many.   Mapapaikli ang lahat.  

For now, tiis muna sa pagpupuyat mula sa pagbabantay ng isang maysakit.  

86: And Another Truth

87: True

88: On Call

All day long, I have been waiting for a text if I will have a case tonight.  As a private duty nurse, lagi kang on-call.  Ok lang naman sana if not for the times that I am here in pampanga.  Hindi naman ako agad makaluwas kaya minsan tumatanggi na lang ako for some patients.

Nang magalas siete na kanina, tumatawag ang isang pdn asking me kung nasan na ako.  At yun na nga ang nangyari, ako ang hinhintay but the thing is, I cannot act on my own.  Dadaan pa rin lagi sa approval ng coordinator which I did.  So that makes me clear from any blunder or anumang inconvenience.

Sabi ng dati kong kasama sa trabaho, ang ambivalence ko towards work as a pdn maybe due to the fact na ang environment ko e nasa dati paring workplace.  Tsaka hindi pa natatapos ang isang buwan na ngresign ako, nagtatrabaho na ulit ako.

Sinabi ko kay ate na gusto ko nang tumigil bilang pdn.  Hindi ko gusto ang pagiging on-call.  Ok lang naman sa kanya ang kaso nga lang, i have to make sure na wala na akong aberya sa pag-alis ko pa-u.k.  To do that, kailangan ko lang pumunta sa agency then i will stop working as a pdn.

So tiis muna sa paminsang minsan n pagtatalak ni mudra.  Pati na rin ang sunday church service kina lola.  Wala na rin akong kawala sa pasko at new year.  

Ieenjoy ko na lang ang paghihintay.  Sa mga panahon na ito, natutuwa ako sa oras na nakakapagbasa ako.  Even the night runs that i take.  Walang iniisip.  Walang pinoproblema.  Walang due na gamot.  Walang due turning of position.  Walang relatives na pakikisamahan.  Walang iv fluids na papalitan.  Walang bedbath.  Walang diaper change.  Walang doctor na magrorounds.  Walang pagpupuyat sa pagbabantay ng maysakit.

89: Cycle

save.  read.  study.  run.  swim.  swing.  clean.  fix.  file.  collect.  write.  meet.  pay.  then repeat.

90: Invisible

He wanted to disappear.

He wanted to leave the zone and just be himself.  He thought of the possibilities.  He loved the idea of new things, new places and new people.  It's like he has to be new as well.

But for now, he has to wait.  He has to remain visible in a world that treats him as invisible.

91: Most Liked

And another list...

92: Letter to Self on a Friday Night

hey!  it's friday night and here you are at a computer shop watching youtube videos of bulldogs, volleyball matches and episodes of the voice usa.  

first, do not be sad for being alone.  you are not lonely.  those two words are different.  you probably know this fact by this time.  i like that you give more value to yourself and that you do not tie it to other people or to things.  yes it can be really lonely at times but the fact that you are trying to enjoy yourself leads to a better you and hopefully, to meeting someone.

second, take time to enjoy things while you can and you have the ability to do so.  like what you did when you craved for a burrito and you walked from legarda to dapitan just to have it.  or when you just had to read from your ebook reader for three hours because you are really having a great time.  even when you had 50 pesos on your wallet, you still made ways to enjoy and not wallow in self-pity.

third, there is no use for you to regret.  learn from every mistake.  rise up from every challenge.  take a 360-degree view of the situation even when you can't knowing that God will provide it to you later.  always move forward and never forget the lessons from the past.

fourth, stop demeaning yourself.  you are good.  even better for some people's standards.  NEVER FORGET THIS.  give yourself some privilege to believe in your goodness and your ability to achieve.  stop covering your talents and what you can do.  do not be afraid to take responsibilities because of these things.  these are ways that will make you a better person.  accept your true self and then you can finally soar.

fifth, learn to appreciate.  thank other people and appreciate them when they give you compliments.  open your eyes to the goodness of other people.  believe in the goodness of other people but know your limits.  thank other people for the help given to you and thank your friends.

lastly, take care of your self.  i really like that you are still swimming whenever you can.  be happy that you can now complete 1000 meters in a span of one hour and 30 minutes.  that is a great achievement for you since you started swimming last september.  you just have to keep working on your form and your stroke.  but hey, you will get there.  also, i like that you religiously run whenever you are in pampanga and you cannot swim.  i like that you are paying more attention to you diet and that you like to move more by walking whenever you can.  i like that you give attention to you skin and hair.  swimming can bring damage to these parts of your body and these are usually noticed immediately by people.  

i love that you are giving more time to yourself- to enjoy life, to improve, to be healthy and just to be better at anything and everything.  so hey, do not be sad that you are alone on a friday night.  things will get better for you soon.  you just have to be ready...

93: Surfer

94:Stop Doing List

thank you the berry...

95: Weird

kakatapos ko lang basahin ang eleanor and park ni rainbow rowell.  nagustuhan ko ito hindi gaya ng isa pa niyang akda na fangirl. 

i think nakarelate ako sa pagkakaroon ng imperfections ng mga bida.  hindi mayaman.  hindi sobrang guwapo at maganda.  hindi rin makapangyarihan.  may totoong struggles sa buhay.  may totoong problema na kinakaharap.  

naramdaman ko yung pag-iyak nila nung magpaalam sa isa't isa.  i felt that their love was at its purest form.  so much respect and so much dignity.

i've been asking nam to stop making me sad dahil sa mga kuwento niya tungkol sa isang tao na parang nasa kanya na ang lahat.  everything that i am not, andun lahat sa taong iyon.  everything that i wanted to have or do, andun din sa kanya or nagawa na niya.

i am a little bit emotional now with all that is happening to me right now.  pero, marami rin naman akong narerealize sa ngayon...  madami naman din akong nakikitang chances para baguhin ang buhay ko. 

 i'm weird like elanor and park but i am liking it now.

96: Power

namiss ko ang isang araw na pagbablog. kung bakit, hindi ko na lang sasabihin ng buo.  it started with a friend at nagsabing medyo wrong move ang pagreresign ko.

yes nadelay ako at well, i'm short on money.  walang trabaho but i know i am going to somewhere better than my previous job.  when i thought na tanggap ko na, she just had to rub it in my face.

then ang backpay ko na ten years bago marelease.  matapos kang magserve sa kanila nang maayos, heto ang gagawin nila sayo.  alam ko na i should not give them the chance to make me feel like shit.  for one, i dumped them and this should be enough.

good thing, my good old friends came to the rescue.  dinner with them and a lot of catching up.   so ngayon, hindi ko na bibigyan ng power ang ilang tao na sirain ang mood ko.  

97: Besty

something i need right now...

98: Change of Heart

Opo, binabawi ko na yung sinabi ko sa previous post ko...

99: Gift

i bought myself an ebook reader.

napagod na ang mata ko sa pagbabasa sa mobile phone ko o kaya sa pagadjust ng settings kapag nasa laptop. hindi naman high-end ang binili ko.  iyong tama lang para makabasa ng maayos na walang distractions.

i think it was brought about by the frustration na para akong isda na nasa lupa.  out of job and my friends are all at work while others are based overseas, i kinda felt lonely.  i only have the books with me.  kailangan ko na ata ng jowa...

100: Progress

101: Not Too Late

102: Getting Lost with Books

i've been reading a lot lately.  mapa-wattpad o mga books na dinowload ko, i try to devour them as a hungry man.  isa na siguro ito sa mga perks ng pagiging jobless.  nanonood din ako ng kung anu ano.  from reruns ng mga paboritong tv series sa mga instructional videos sa paglangoy pati na rin sa mga medical topics mula sa youtube.

in a way, it is working.  i get to clear my mind from worries or mga thoughts na hindi naman nakakatulong sa totoo lang.

my friend aimz taught me a prayer.  to pray that my fears and worries be removed from my heart and mind.  simple but effective.  i can say that for the past few days, i sleep better and i feel better.  nawawala ang anumang trace ng depression.

i was about to sleep last night when i got an email.  ito yung email na pinakahihintay ko for the past few months.  finally, dumating na ang decision letter ko so anytime pwede na akong umalis kung may intake lang ng trainess.  i am happy.  pero hindi buo.  siguro dahil nalate ito ng dating?  or i just dont care enough sa mga oras na to dahil na rin hindi ko na siya masyadong iniisp. 

we will see kung ano mangyayari the next few days.  in the mean time, magbabasa muna ako

103: Period of Waiting

how do you enjoy the period of waiting?

today, nagpatuloy ako sa pagbabasa ng book ni malcolm gladwell.  medyo scientific ang approach niya sa pagtalakay sa mga bagay na very social ang nature.  may apat pang libro na siya rin ang may akda ang tinatarget kong basahin.  nandiyan pa pala ang game of thrones series na binili ko online.

siyempre, i am still on the the ecg book trying to find the inspiration to continue reading it.  naisip ko, why not improve both my physical and intellectual side?  pwede namang pagsabayin. kung mapapansin niyo, iba ito sa nakaraang post ko na pagpapabuti lang ng pisikal na anyo.  ang dahilan?  ang mga kuwento ni nam na labis na nagtulak upang huwag manatili sa kung ano ako ngayon.

simula noong biyernes, patuloy akong tumatakbo kapag gabi.  with some music and a resolve to be active, i try to sweat it out and drown my worries with it.  ayokong malunod sa mga nakakapraning na diwa kaya sila na ang lulunurin ko sa pamamagitan ng pagiging positibo.

kanina, may email akong natanggap mula sa aking agent.  may kulang daw sa mga papeles ko pertaining to my medical exam.  well, it was not my fault but her counterpart dito sa pilipinas.  nagkibit balikat na lang ako at tumakbo.

wala pa rin akong decision letter as of the moment.  kung dumating man ito ngayon, wala namang intake ng mga trainees so january pa daw ang alis ko.  partly, hindi ko pa tanggap ang katotohanan na to.  for some, maswerte daw ako dahil makakapagpasko at new year pa ako dito.  oo nga naman masaya iyon pero in between those holidays and dun sa mga normal na araw, isang malaking nganga ang aking ginagawa.

so here i am, trying to do what i can do in the period of waiting.  hindi ko pa naeenjoy ang paghihintay pero pinipilit ko.

104: Meant to Be

105: Shallow

magiging superficial nako.  magiging shallow na rin.  aminin natin, sa mundong ito, looks do really matter.  it is like you are two steps ahead kahit ikaw ay hindi naman ganon katalino o kagaling.  sa school, sa trabaho at pati na rin sa pag-ibig- this world really gives a high premium for those blessed with looks.

unless magparetoke ako, i know i can never have it.  but i can start improving on my body.  idamay na din ang pag-iisip.  i will try for the nth time to really live with a positive outlook and to ditch those that will not make me happy.  i will nurture relationships that make me a better person.

aalisin ko na rin ang sarcasm, ang angst, ang pag-iisip na lahat ay may ulterior motive at ang hindi paglalagay ng sunblock kapag magswiswimming. lahat ng ito ay nakakadagdag sa wrinkles.  

all these efforts are being made to make myself look good in my own operational definition.  basta yun na yun.  i feel na ang galing ay nakukuha din naman.  ang talino makukuha sa pagbasa at mga karanasan sa buhay pero mahirap iachieve ang maging fabulous.

i want to be fresh.  i want to be fit and i want to be the best that i can bago pa marating ang day 106.  hindi ko na siya hihintayin as if doon lang nakabase ang aking kaligayahan.  i will make it now and will just treat it as an icing to the cake.

106 Days

binilang ko ang araw bago sumapit ang araw na pinakahihintay ko.  106 days kung tama ang aking bilang.  mahaba din yun.  maraming pwedeng mangyari sa panahong iyon.

isang buwan nga lang ang lumipas mula nang magresign ako, tinamaan ako ng iba't ibang damdamin.  i was depressed, hopeless, bored, excited, anxious and inspired.  para na akong baliw.  i cannot stop thinking when it will be or if it will ever come.  kung matutuloy nga ba ang mga naset ko nang goals sa buhay through working overseas.

sabi ko nga kay nam lagi na lang may aberya.  pero matalinhaga niyang sinabi sa akin na dadating din iyon pagdating ng panahon ayon sa pantas na si aiza siguerra.  how profound!  pero sige.  aaliwin ko na lang ang sarili ko.  i will try to be at my best bago dumating ang 106th day.  i will try to be more productive and be better at my body.  at oo, susubukan ko ang napagtagumpayan ni nam noon- ang sumulat araw araw.  subalit sa version ko, susubukan kong sumulat araw araw sa loob ng 106 days.

i know it is a kind of defense mechanism.  trying to distract myself from the pressing issue but i want to keep my sanity that is why i am doing this.

106 days starting today.

From Now On

Of Current Mood

kakatapos ko lang ng apat na araw na duty bilang private duty nurse.  ok naman siya.  mas magaan actually compared sa mga trabaho sa loob ng ccu.  hawak ko ang oras lalo na kung hindi naman gising ang pasyente mo.

ang itinuturing kong pinakamalaking hurdle?  ang bedbath.  lalo na kapag bedridden ang patient at hindi ganon kabibo ang buddy nurse mo o nursing aide.  at ang tulog nga pala.  medyo hirap lang dahil sunod-sunod na dose oras ang shift mo.

well-compensated ka naman sa trabahong ito.  konting p.r. sa relatives at magkakasundo kayo.  wag mo na ring problemahin ang kakainin mo.  

pero sa totoo lang, nadedepress ako.

october na ngayon.  lumipas ang birthday ko dito sa pilipinas at hindi sa bansa na kung saan ako magtatrabaho gaya nang nakasulat sa listahan ng mga dapat kong magawa.  masaya naman ako sa kaarawan ko.  really.  i had dinner with my family and i went to church.  it was simple and i felt loved.

sa trabaho ko ngayon, makailang beses ko nang narinig ang "o diba paalis ka na?"  alam ko naman na aalis ako.  may kontrata na at lahat liban sa isang importanteng dokumento na hinihintay ko.  kapag naririnig ko to, may kung anong kurot sa puso ko.

i know i should never question Him.  my mind is just so limited that i cannot fathom how His mind works but in my limited capacity, hindi ko maiwasang magtanong.  

this is just temporary.  i know things will change pero bakit nga ba ang hirap maghold on sa mga katotohanang ito?

i guess i just need to swim more to shake these off...