Better

at this very moment, i feel like stopping the world from spinning so i can just free myself from life's detours.

i am sensitive. but i try not to overdo it. i just wish i can do something. to hear the problems that befall on us, worthless is what i feel.

now i know that my faith tells me that i should hold on to God's promise. to stop and remember that He never fails. i hope i can do it.

when you are challenged financially, it seems that your world is being narrowed. what seems to be important was never really significant.

malling becomes a physical activity. clothes are really just for protection. for cover. phones are really for sending and receiving text messages. food is what is served in the house.

i was telling benj that in my two-month stay with my current job, i have not really bought anything that i can consider as a luxury. it is a good thing though since times are hard for the family. i am not complaining; i am just stating a fact.

a column in the newspaper today mentioned about letting God do His thing. our human mind fails extensively in that what we think is good for us should happen in our own expectations. truly, i have never doubted my existence as a human being.

i am saying goodbye to october in hopes that by few minutes from now, i can peacefully sleep with confidence that tomorrow will be a better day.

Flavor of the Month

forget about the oracle. or the consequences of my actions. kasi naman, parang lagi na lang may mali. or lagi na lang akong isang malaking disappointment sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

the appreciation of people around me matters most pero only the people who really know me are capable of seeing the beauty in me. it sucks pero yun ang totoo. it is not a problem anymore because it was there since my mind taught me to lick my own wounds. mahirap pero no choice.

i have a co-worker na parang worst pa sa mom ko. can't really tell pero nakaranas siyang masampal in public. nagtataka kasi ako dahil parang wala siyang hang ups sa mom niya. she can joke around and still be the best with relationships. parang no damage was done to her. well, dahil siguro mayaman sila and they were well-provided by both parents. so i am stopping now from thinking kung bakit ako hindi ganon.

sobrang nadedepress lang ako these past few days. sa work, medyo sensitive lang ako sa supervisor ko. imagine creating metrics and audit tools without consulting us? kahit inputs man lang kasi ako naman talaga ang babad sa area. tas im sick pa with colds so i was a bit sensitive and all.

pagdating naman sa bahay, i was fighting the urge to buy food instead of cooking my own. kakapagod kasi. ihahanda mo na at lulutuin, ikaw pa ang maghuhugas. it felt like every thing i had to do was a struggle.

wala man lang kasing inspiration. or some drive that what i am doing is the right thing and will lead me to my success. pwede rin sana ng isang mahiwagang panaginip na pwede kong subaybayan ang misteryo sa buhay ko. wala talaga.

in short, wasak.

i am glad october is nearly over. i hope my woes will go with the month.

Better Be Safe Than Different

the ultimate sorrow of being different is this: you are alone. and it seems that no one understands you.

when people are yearning for uniqueness, i was at the other side wanting to be normal. to belong to the average. at least, it is safe.

and somehow, the loneliness you feel is the greatest kind when you still feel alienated even when you are living with your family.

The Grinch for Halloween

well, i'm pissed.

not just the simple-why-don't-i-forget-it kind of pissed. for one, i am pissed with half of my family. second, my mind will not let it slip away. lastly, tomorrow is the birthday of the twins and there will be a small celebration. spell awkward!

thing is, it was really planned that i will go home tomorrow since i will buy flowers and stuff for the all souls' day on monday. i am fine with that. my simple way of helping out.

while other souls will be scented with flowers and lighted with candles, my soul is now confined in the four corners of our small room in manila. alone. nothing to do. so just imagine losing the chance of sleeping in my comfortable bed in pampanga for tonight while wrestling with boredom here.

what pissed me off was the fact that i was not buying any flowers anymore. when did i learn of this? the time when the long lines at the bus stations would rival any sarah geronimo-john lloyd cruz movie and when the two-lane roads become four.

if my sister did not text me that i won't be buying anymore, i could have wasted 600 bucks tomorrow. so an inquiry was sent to confirm. but, no reply from my adorable brothers nor did my aunt know about this who was the one who asked me to buy. i had to clarify things since i didn't know if the ones that they have bought were only for our family.

after few hours, they finally sent me the message. when all the loneliness i have been feeling have reached its saturation point and when there was no chance of going home to pampanga. oh the pathetic me!

i was thinking, paulo could have been forgivable. he was driving. but my parents and marco were not driving. if they had the intention to buy, they could have told me earlier while they were on their way to the store. then, they could have informed also my aunt so i won't be confused.

tell me, am i being too ideal? or perfectionist in this situation? they always tell me that i am hard to please. that my standards are too high for them. yeah, sometimes i am. but how about this one? i need to know since i am really pissed.

tomorrow, i will again assume the role of the resident snob in the house. now you know my halloween character.

Acceptance

as the jeepney hurried its way to divisoria, she caught the driver's attention. it was rainy. and dark. but her figure was not hard to miss.

in an instant, the driver gave her the respect by stopping. we waited. i and the other passengers in the jeepney. we had to since the driver was desperate for her. the two old ladies on my side barely moved to give space for the special passenger.

her feet were sandaled by a purple design which had to be really not comfortable for rain. mud will eventually find its places. but, she didn't mind. the purple sandals were not enough as her blouse decided it was just fitting to be in the same shade. hair rebonded and fingernail all polished in blue with flower details in the center. her teeth were shining from the wires of the braces. her cheeks were powdered with pink substance that made her face appear pinkish under the yellow light from the not earth-friendly bulb.

even if it was raining, it was still hot. and humid. but, she didn't care as she gently tossed her hair back to the sides while she had to send text messages to an unknown receiver. she reached to her purse and took a 20-peso bill. i estimated that it was around at 4 decibels when she said that the money was for one passenger, that was obviously her. she rapidly decided that sending text messages was more important than getting her change as manong driver had to repeat the question as to how many passengers will be paid with the 20-peso.

no one from the jeepney answered for her. in the sheer silence of the travel, manong driver had to ask again. this time, he did not fail. she then decided to utter some inaudible words since she thought it was too loud to speak at above 4 decibels. sensing it was not working, she used some hand gestures all in her delight to display her polished nails.

at last, the communication was successful! she was then back again in the comfort of her mobile phone. evidently, she was oblivious to the fact that she was inviting harm to her end as robbers were plenty in that area. honestly, i wished for her to be robbed. for her mobile phone to be snatched but that would endanger me as well.

the message was sent successfully as now, she was surprised that she almost missed her destination! she instantly informed the driver that she would be getting down from the jeepney but you guessed it! it was meant for no one to hear her request.

so i laughed in a simple and covert manner with the devilish details as she had to walk a few steps towards her destination. the two old ladies had to remark that she was really "MAARTE."

i could only nod in agreement.

girl, your being MAARTE and Pa-Cute won't make you any prettier. even the make-up and braces won't lift your place from the abyss of being worthless to the surface of beauty.

accept it!

Botcha

kumain ako ng siomai.

kumuha pa ako. nasarapan kasi ako e. tsaka libre. may sobra kasi mula sa dinaluhang seminar.

nang walang kaabug-abog, bigla na lamang nagkomento ang paborito kong office mate, "hindi ko siya gusto. hindi siya masarap. parang lasang botcha."

isang wtf ang tumakbo sa isip ko dahil sa tatlong dahilan:

1. hindi ko kailangan ang komento mo. hindi naman ikaw ang kakain so better shut your mouth.

2. walang pakialamanan. buhay ko to ate. kung bumula man ang bibig ko dahil sa lason na kakainin ko, so be it. kainin mo nalang yung pagkain mo na galing sa karinderya habang kakainin namin ang aming food from kfc. haha

3. hindi ako kumakain ng botcha. so hindi ko alam ang lasa ng karneng double dead. buti ka pa alam mo, pero, sayo na lang yan te.

bitter kasi itong office mate ko. hindi nabigyan ng fully loaded meal dahil alam naming may pagkain sila from their training. ayun. kung anu-ano kinocomment.

basta, life is beautiful. lalo na pag lasang botcha ang pagkain at libre! haha

Greener

there is a difference of satisfaction when you ate like there was no tomorrow and the one when you felt too sophisticated after eating.

consistent in being too ambitious, i tried the mediterranean diet. basically, the diet is about having 9-10 servings of fruits and vegetables per day.

on sunday, the heavy winds and the strong out pour of rain brought about by the typhoon Juan could not stop me from going to landmark at the trinoma mall just to buy some vegetables. well, ice lettuce only.

so for four days now, i have been eating a lot of greens with fruits on the side. and honestly, i feel weird.

lesson learned: it is hard to be a goat. or a cow.

Barbaric

sa mga taong nagtatanong pero ayaw maniwala sa mga sinasabi ko, isang malaking SH*T para sa iyo.

ang kagalingan sa trabaho ay hindi nasusukat sa paraan ng pagsasalita o kung sa paano ka umasta.

kapag hindi masyadong magaling at ang pagpapanggap ay hindi kapani-paniwala, tumahimik na lamang.

Choices

was it because of my failed attempt to work in the u.k.? or my demeanor towards them?

things are beyond my control over that u.k. thing. the Lord knows how i wanted to work there. about my demeanor, i admit that i falter sometimes in controlling my temper. no, not my temper. my tendency that i think the world should run according to how i wanted it.

but i have been good these past few weeks.

so it is just sad that other people are able to look at your potential for success while those people you expected did not even see the possibility. moreover, their dejection is so obvious that the feeling of being useless is not hard to miss.

now i know why i am not thrilled about my work.

it is unfair for my work to harbor these toxic feelings. i am appreciated there. i get to meet new friends and even if the salary is low, i am thriving.

i choose to be positive. i choose happiness that can come from a contented heart. i choose faith. faith that can sustain me through all these storms. i choose freedom. freedom from all those unnecessary thoughts that dampen my spirit to live life to the fullest.

it is my choice now.

Bitin

i am here at work.

but i could not start with my tasks right away as i had to stop and take it all in. did it really happen? or was it just a dream?

i have stopped counting how many times i have pinched myself to realize that yes, it happened.

it was true that i have finally met them- nam and rian.

after numerous calls and text messages, the stars have aligned for us to finally get together. i was nervous. it was like meeting your blind date and not a thing in your mind can deliver some sense of calmness. i was nervous but i did not know why.

was it nam's comedic timing that has to be translated into my archaic memory system in order for me to realize that rian has been bullied? or was it rian's effortless way of dismissing nam's banter that felt so normal like the sun's rising and setting?

truth is, the uneasiness was unnecessary. much more, a waste of positive energy.

the two are by far the kindest, sweetest and funniest people i have met online. well, they are my only online friends right now. it does not matter. what will i do with throngs of online friends who cannot understand me? or with people who cannot leave me gasping for more entertaining and enriching stories?

they are real people. honest. unpretentious. they blurt out things you don't expect them to say. they think loudly and their thoughts can transcend the borders of mild stupidity. they make you think. they dig into your soul and reach for that repressed compartment to bring it out in the open. their spirits are free that they belong to a different league of greatness.

you see, i have come to a point in my life that i always grab opportunities for meeting people. as i have said to the duo, i am trying to be more open to people.

and i am glad i did 'cause last night was so surreal that i had to drink three glasses of iced tea to convince myself that i am having dinner with them. i stopped talking during conversations to breathe in the air that validated that it was the same air that rian and nam breathed in. i took glances and inscribed them in my mental pad on how they look and how they talk. more importantly, how they are as a person.

i am ending this post now. just like how our night ended. it was short. fun. memorable. inspiring. that is how i like this post to be.

Unsure

am i the only one unsure of the bright future that my new work brings?

well, my parents are included.

last saturday, i went to FEU to have my recommendation letter accomplished by my research adviser in college. it was for my application for master's degree. at first, i was hesitant since i told her before that i was leaving for u.k.

however, she was the only one who can get my recommendation letter done. i was never close with other faculty members.

in the end, i was thankful that i went to see her. she told me about her experiences and her struggles while starting as a newly-licensed nurse. and this: she was so happy and proud of my job!

to add, she even told me that my work has a lot of opportunities in the u.s. and that it is the current trend for hospitals.

so should i stay longer with my job? maybe.