Wednesday, December 23, 2009

For Half of My Life

i am just so excited for the holidays! for half of my life, laging ganito and i really feel it all.

every year, this season never fails to taint the would-be simple days in other months of the year. madrama, makulay at masaya. sana nga ganito lagi.

for half of my life, i celebrate christmas alone. walang mga special someone na pagbibigyan ng regalong hindi mo lubos maisip kung magugustuhan ba niya o hindi. wala akong binibisita after ng mga misa sa simbahan and to make it more simple, wala akong tinextext or tinatawagan pouring my heart out to give them my merriest greetings.

for half of my life, i struggle to keep myself pacified to the unbelievable controlling and dominating ways of my mom coupled with principles in life and lifestyle bullshit.

for half of my life, i have always a special prayer during these times that is for the love of God, please do spare me from my pretentious acts of paying respect to relatives i do not care to see even for a decade or to the church service so early in the morning that i can hardly understand the sermon at all.

i would like to believe that a part of me has an autistic characteristic. i prefer to be alone most of the time at home. in my room or just walking around the garden. thinking. meditating. all of which, my sister cannot stand so she can't help herself but to disturb my inner peace. bakit pa ako makikipag-usap sa mga taong ayaw makinig sa suggestion ng iba? o di kaya ay tumanggap ng puna? futile. pointless at tiring.

ano ba ang logic sa pagpunta sa mga lugar na alam mong hindi ka komportable o kaya meeting other people na hindi mo naman gustong makita? dahil ba christmas? e pano pag di na pasko? kasi i feel this all the time.

malamig ba? oo naman. every year, i wallow in sheer loneliness after all the gifts were opened, friends and families reunited and kisses made to their love of their lives. so you can't blame me now kung mas gugustuhin ko pang magtrabaho during the holidays.

for half of my life, i celebrate alone. my parents have each other. my sister? her boyfriend. and my brothers? they are twins! it is indeed a struggle for me. most of the time, i feel awkward having to be in these times and places.

for half of my life, i have always wanted a warm christmas that is just full of love.

do all of these look happy? i could only imagine.

i just wish that the coming year would not be another additional year to the half of my life that is already full of blunt merrymaking and worth forgetting holidays.

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