busy mom asked me if i was ever happy in my life.
in that very moment, nodding in agreement was not enough to the truth that my life has mirrored in the previous months. i was never happy for most of the times. for sure there were those moments with benj, karen and the rest of the gang but at the end of the day, loneliness and sadness creep into the patches of my soul. separation anxiety? probably. that is why at times, i bailed out on some night outs just because i would rather be sad now than be sad later.
the idea that i am no good also adds up to that thick envelope of me being a total failure. and in that, there is no reason to be happy. i also remember this philosophy that i have: do not be too happy for sadness comes along with it. so whenever i feel really happy, i pinch and control myself from being too happy.
last week has been very good.
i got a job now. i will be starting on the 16th of this month and i am having cold feet. everything will be new so i am really out of my comfort zone and that scares me to death. a comfortable one but nevertheless not a nursing job, i had thoughts of uncertainty regarding my future. until poan, ryan, nam, carlo, pau and practically all of my trusted friends repeatedly told me that i have to be open for opportunities not limiting the wonderful me with pure nursing work.
no more rushing things. no more over thinking. no more wild imaginations. just accepting what i have right now. just maximizing what was given to me. just trying to be more positive.
then i met some of those people who keep me sane- my college barkada (frends)! two years in the making, nothing was changed.
two years ago, this is how we looked like.
we are still the same. silly. funny. caring. all nurses and all there to reminisce the past and celebrate our friendship. so we dined. watched our school win at a ball game. talked some. sang our hearts out at a bar. did some damage with our liver by drinking booze. talked some more. photo session in every minute. and talked till the wee hours of the morning.
i laughed loudly. and convincingly. i did not reserve anything for my friends not to hear about my life. i shouted every time our team got to shoot the hoops and i booed the opposing team every time theirs did the magic for them. i jumped when they got to steal some balls from them and i marveled with how our cheer dance squad performed. i sang like i was in the bathroom. i drank booze like it was the first time. i danced a bit and for a minute, did not care about anything but being happy
so now, i am happy. truly happy and would like to leave it this way till the new chance comes along.