Baby Steps

okay, i fear for the financial health of the family. i mean, who does not? well, there are those filthy rich people that reside in wack wack. seeing them this afternoon kinda had this blunt trauma effect on my heart. it hurts but it is not that showy. now, officially off the path to u.k. and in an instant, nobody wants to take me as i am nearing the anniversary of me being bum. i just cannot figure out how to be the breadwinner of the family with these circumstances.

my dad just had his 54th birthday yesterday. long before he married my mom, he was already working overseas. at times, he forgets a lot of things. eye glasses, things to do and even answering a call from his phone that was in front of him. from the way i see it, he responds a bit slower when asked. probably his hearing. questions are to be repeated twice before he can give a clear answer. or maybe, his processing time is just taking some time much like how a website loads. i don't know. maybe for fear of knowing the truth.

it dawned to me that in this condition, he cannot work anymore. my time has come and it was long ago after i passed the licensure examination. but alas, things were not working for me and my family. finally getting a break in egypt and somehow ending in a quite sour note, my u.k. dream seemed to be the answer to all of my fears. then those papers had to stop me from riding the eye of london or even to step on the london bridge.

believe me, it was the hardest thing i had yet to face and until now, i have not fully recovered from that maddening depression. me who was always perceived as the most motivated and strong-willed person was surprised to have some suicidal ideations. but wait, they just crossed my mind as my medical background had to turn my stomach upside down.

from that person who always gives those in-your-face and always enlightening advices, i was devouring all words of encouragement from friends that i could get.

baby steps charlton and soon you will be surprised of the progress you are made.

the reality that our finances are shaking us is so tangible that my dad had to undergo what he was doing for the longest time: looking for jobs overseas. to see him spend hours in front of the internet and read classified ads gives me that feeling that i am useless and unworthy to be called as his son. well, not to mention my attitude lately towards him. me, being impatient over the truth that i have to find jobs sooner and give up on the u.k. thing. but i am changing. baby steps again my friends.

who knew things can be this hard when you are a nurse? a lot were looking on a tainted glass before. that in nursing, fortune would come in an instant and in those series of unfortunate events, we were one of those people who had their share of peeking at that glass.

so today, i had to break the momentum of what seemed to be eternal depression, fear of rejection and being unproductive. today, i got to register my name for a qualifying exam, drop my resume in another, credentials to yet another hospital and finally had a glimpse of hope after seeing my chances of getting hired. if and only if i had the complete requirements.

with a lot of prayers, i am waiting for the time that i will be called for exams at these hospitals. it is not much but baby steps again. little by little. step by step. all in the hopes of helping myself and my family. plus being worthy to be called his son...