Well-Spent

i'd like to begin this post with my facebook status:

"Bad year? Not even close. With last night's affair with high school friends, new work, good health and God's unfailing love, every year gets better!"

2010 is about to end. with it, i am sending all my heartaches, worries and insecurities so all the goodness life has to offer will come rushing in. so here i am, trying to look back on the year that was...

january

the year started on a positive note. until on the third day, i got drunk. i smoked. and to top it all, my favorite players lost their important matches. there's rafa, roddick and the feu women's volleyball team. i was being impatient with my work in the u.k.



until i shaved my head.

february

still crazy for u.k. people at home going nuts over what has to be done. former housemates not responding to any message i sent for the arrangement of my documents...



not really a nice month i guess but i did try to learn new things like spanish. photo taken here.

march
documents and documents. waiting and waiting. delay and another delay. i had them all for the chance to work in the u.k. i had problems and i knew that it was going to be hard for me to get there. so while waiting, i watched this...



april
i did not go to u.k. i was left here in the philippines. a neighbor became sick and i helped her get better. rafa won a freaking tennis tournament after almost a year of not winning any! made myself busy by helping other people upgrade their resume. i learned from sheng about trusting God's plan and timing... i waited for the time to take my bite like him...



may
karen left for singapore. dad was still trying to work things out so i can go to u.k. i was depressed. stressed of thinking how to solve my problem with regards to work documents for u.k. i complained about nurses being exploited here in the country and why i will never work here. i wanted to go to isabela. here...



june
i backslided with my faith after i knew finally, that i was not going to u.k. my search for meaning, for reasons continued. jonah's uncle provided some guidance. i was thankful for friends who stood with me during these times...



july
benj left for singapore as well. little by little, i have accepted the fact that u.k. was not for me. i started to look for work even if it looked hopeless. i attended the training for red cross. spain won at the world cup! i had hope for better things. i got some inspiration from spain and from my friends...





august
i got new job! yay! though it was not a regular nursing job, i was just happy to be working. pau from trinidad and tobaggo went home and had a reunion with my a23 tropa! august was like the new year. a lot of fresh starts and blessed events. and i had closure with the u.k. offer.





september
my birthday came! i celebrated it with officemates and it was a fun-filled day... except for the office monster!



october
i felt their disappointment. the frustration and finally, the desparation. i understood them. we were running out of finances to meet the needs of the family. i met nam and rian! internet celebrities! haha. they both deserve separate entries on this blog...



november
we moved to a new room. it was better. i was attending a new church. it was refreshing. more than being blessed. depression still occupied some space in my life. i was in a situation wherein i wanted to do more but could not. but there was victory in this toil...



december
the last month of the year. but was the reminder that i was indeed a blessed one after all. though work seemed to reach its saturation point, i was grateful since i was able to give more. friends were again reminders of how fortunate i am in this world. the family seems to be more accepting of life's offerings for us. my sister received her visa. then last night's affair.








to you 2010:
thank you. i had the extremes of life. success and failure. happiness and desolation. solitude and friendship. dreams and realities of life. hope and despair. good times and bad times.

i was made to be a stronger person. more open. more forgiving of my shortcomings. more affectionate towards people and to myself. i became closer to God. i rediscovered friendships. met old friends and had some friends leave me here in the philippines.

i learned a lot. i will still learn more this coming year. and i guess, there is no good year or bad year.

only a year well-spent. goodbye 2010 and welcome 2011!

cheers! to life. to success. to good health. to renewed faith. to contentment. to happiness.

happy new year!

Single

solitude. the reward for being different. the penalty for being different.

Kris and Ai-Ai

september 2009.

bubot. medyo chubby. excited na magkatrabaho. saktong sakto ang dating ko sa egypt. that time, gusto ko lang magtrabaho mula sa halos mag-iisang taon na pagiging tambay.

feu grad din. tahimik. mukhang takot saken. ni ayaw akong kausapin. pero bakit?

so hindi na ako nagpumilit na makipagclose sa kanya. pero, nagbago ang lahat ng wala na siyang makasama sa critical care unit. at dahil natural ang pagiging ambisyoso ko, sumama ako ng hindi alam ang naghihintay samen sa ccu.

unang linggo. hindi pa gaanong close. tahimik siya at mukhang iwas sa pakikipag-usap ngunit dahil kami lang dalawa ang pinoy, no choice na siya.

nung mag-iisang buwan, nagsimula kaming maging close. friend ang tawagan namen. lagi man kaming magkasama sa shift, lagi naman kaming magkalayo sa unit. magkabilang dulo. kapag may parehong hindi alam, nagdadasal kami na sana may tumulong. kung toxic ang isa, pumupuslit kung sino ang hindi toxic para tumulong.

isa siya sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako nakatagal ng isang taon sa egypt. sa lahat ng hirap, andun siya. sa lahat ng kalokohan niya, sinasama niya ako. kagaya nalang ng talakan niya ang isang senior samen at dinamay ako. nafrustrate ako dahil ayaw ko ng gulo.

sa huli, pinarealize niya saken na kailangan kong manindigan at maki-anib sa kung sino ang tunay na kaibigan.

magaling siyang magluto. kakaiba ang taste. paborito si regine velasquez at kris aquino na pareho kong ayaw. pero pareho kaming mahilig mang-okray haha. matapos ang ilang buwan, iniwan ko siya sa egypt. sa totoo lang, namiss ko siya though nung mga huling araw ko sa egypt, baliw na baliw siya sa kanyang boyfriend at parang nakalimutan ako.

nung lunes, nagkita kami ulit. wala pa rin pagbabago samen. nagbabatuhan pa rin ng panlalait at kung anu ano pa. ginugulat ko sa mga forbidden questions.

walang pagbabago. buo pa rin ang magfriendship.

Merry

i thought it was the happiest one. simple. not much shouting or arguing. but it was. as it should be.

to date, yesterday was the merriest Christmas i could remember.

The Great Pretender

I will spend my remaining hours in the office pretending.

Well, pretending to work. Again. Excuse me, but people here in the office are already in their vacation mode. So there, I am not exempted.

Last night, I felt like giving my head a smack for deliberately choosing to be dictated by GLEE. I admit. I watched Darren Criss’ performance at the Trinoma Mall.

Being trapped in a moving Divisoria via the MRT, I still pursued. I was harassed by the commuter’s sweaty bodies. I had to inhale the hunger breath of ordinary Filipinos. I had to squeeze my body just to fit inside.

Waiting for almost one hour to see him sing also did not discourage me. But this question, of me still being rational in doing all these things, had failed to win me over and make me go home and rest.

I had an excuse people. My sister and I met so we could buy gifts to our grandma.

Watching Darren was just a bonus. Seriously.



He sang. He talked. But I was bored for I did not know 3/4 of the songs he sang. Worse, the scream of his rabid fans were plain irritating.

But what made it all worthy? My time with my sister.

Her text today telling me that her visa was already released made me thankful for all the trouble I endured yesterday. She will be leaving early January.

But I will still pretend that I enjoyed Darren's performance.

*Photo taken here.

Of Giving and Receiving

i am currently working with my second job.

my first one was when i was still in egypt. working like an oppressed israelite. my salary was not really much back then.

with my current job, my salary is just half from what i was receiving with my first one.

but you see, i am almost 80% ready to give gifts to my family and relatives. i have helped in the daily expenses in the house and was able to contribute some to the allowance of my brother.

considering that i have less now, i am giving more actually.

in all these things, there is one thing i have learned. the more you give, the more you received.

since working again, i have lost around five kilos.

i did not go to gym. i did not engage myself into running regularly. i just controlled my diet. i eat oats and fruits. i made my eating schedule fixed. i may have spent more. but, i have also lost more weight.

now this realization made it clearer why some aspects of my life, i have received less. worse, nothing.

of course there is my love life. mistake. sorry. there is the love life. that should be the correct one because technically, i do not have one. i believe that i am not in love, yet, because i do not give myself more to other people.

and it can only stem from this: i do not give love to myself enough for me to be loved by other people.

i guess i am ready for christmas.

Prayers and Smiles

each morning, i pray for a good day at the office.

even with the incident from my last post, i prayed that day. but, i must admit that i was really affected with it.

so today, i let it all be left with the passing of each day. no more looking back to whatever bad things told about me.

i was in this positive mood while walking on my way to the hospital when i saw a certain figure. it's the employee who told bad things about me!

at first, i did not know how to react. my lips offered a simple prayer for the Lord to take control of me. then peace came to my senses.

even at the time-in machine, i never saw her image. i was saved.

that's what i thought.

for when i was helping out my boss in distributing his gifts, i saw her again! you know it when people are guilty of their acts. they will try to avoid you. normally, she would be chatty and touchy (eeww) towards me. she'd blab about everything that i have no interest.

i believe when people say bad things about you that are not true and undeserved, they create a certain manhole. this manhole, unfortunately, catches them and traps them there.

i can smile now. not because her manager will not have any staff by next year nor this employee's avoidance towards me. i can smile now for i am able to control myself...

The Kingdom of Linen

i just had the sign i was waiting for.

right now, i am shaking. i am shaking in complete frustration over an employee here in the hospital. you remember how i endure the pains of doing the linen inventory? well, this employee was from the linen department.

my boss is the head of other departments aside from our division. this employee, was also under my boss but immediately reporting to another manager. to make the story short, this employee said a lot of things that made her manager go berserk. these are the concerns he relayed to my boss:

1.) i want to rule the linen department.

can i just say that every time i receive the email about the date of the linen inventory, i take a deep breath in anticipation of the task before me? never in my wildest dreams. my feet always hurt from the whole day of walking and counting.

i have come to love the people from the linen. but not this bitch. it was her that made my boss to decide to include me in the inventory.

i actually hate doing it. i hate waking up early to be at the hospital at 7:00 am. my work starts at 8:00 am but i still leave at 5:00 pm. i do it for my boss.

so please, do the honor. take linen inventory away from me. it is not included in my key results area. i am never paid for it. besides, i have fallen in love with my profession so this idea of me wanting to take over the line department is fuckingly stupid.

2.) i have an "attitude problem."

okay. and another okay. plus a shrug.

what attitude? this manager never saw me working with his staff. or this bitch. i never worked with her. i worked with the people who had to shoulder the heavy work of providing linens to all patients in the hospital.

i address them as "sir and ma'am" though technically, i am higher in position. i do it out of respect. i go with them. i stand when they stand. i don't sit until the inventory is done. i never complain.

even if i do not have mask when the soiled linen are being counted, you won't hear anything from me.

i am a nurse. and i am trained to interact with people from all walks of life. i respect the people from linen. in fact, i admire them for their noble acts. they often get unappreciated and they are stationed in a very small office.

but i appreciate them. i value their work.

i guess the manager should have talked to me before giving a call to my boss. in fairness to my boss, he defended me. he dismissed all accusations against me. especially point number 1.

receiving my salary and bonus is already a great gift for today. but the sign?

there goes the sign. i just wish that this is what God would want me to believe.

Bonus

antok. tinatamad.

after the last night's party, everyone's feeling like that. and to top it all, ang bonus for christmas ay mukhang magiging bonus for new year.

hello?? after christmas? ang gastos kaya e concentrated before christmas.

hay ewan nalang talaga sa management ng ospital.

but i had fun last night. though major disappointment ang food. natuwa lang ako sa mga dance number.

somehow, i felt i belonged to a large family. something i never experienced in egypt. it was nice. it was fun.

so i guess, this year ain't so cruel after all.

Go Away

I am fat. Not really that fat actually. I just have this big belly and disturbing man boob.s My body mass index tells me that I am overweight.

My teeth have spaces. They are not properly spaced and gaps tend to describe how the seating arrangement of IV-Genesis back in my high school would look like.

Stretch marks have acquired permanent residency in my belly, arms and legs. They constantly remind me how much I have grown. In short, they shout F-A-T at me.

My chin has gained a brother back when I was breaking out from my school age. And until now, it creates this large face I see whenever my photographs are taken.

If the oil in my face can be used for cooking, I think that one whole crispy pata can be fried. Three hours after applying some amount of talc, my stubborn forehead and nose start to shine from afar.

I guess I inherited the skin of my dad. Dry. Oily. Dark spots (specially on the pits). Dandruff. Shall I say thank you, Dad?

How about my voice? I have lost count how many times I was thought of as a woman when I answer telephone calls. Soft spoken. A little bit pitchy in the way Randy Jackson would tell an American Idol contestant.

This is me now and probably, until I die.

Over the years, I have always battled that voice in my head telling me that I am no good and that I am perfectly fugly. That no one will probably fall in love with me.

I am bidding goodbye to that voice. I am letting it go. May you peacefully join 2010 and never come back in my life…

The Wisdom of the Linen

Today, I am doing again the linen inventory. It is the time when I get to see and smell soiled linens, count here and there for stocks each department in the hospital has and mingle with people who have been working in the hospital long before I was born in this world.

I learn about life. I learn about patience. I learn mostly about humility.

I learn about myself.

Loan

A decision was finally made: the loan is disapproved.

After my parent’s put their hopes on that loan, everything now seems to be unsure. Uncertain. Thing is, my parents never saw it coming and I just don’t know how my parents will face this new challenge.

Reason? It is because the bank found out that we are related to this uncle. He is dad’s brother who is hiding from all those people trying to get their money back.

And I am just speechless right now as to what am I going to say. Or how to react. Jonah did not receive her salary for this month. Much more, her 13th month pay and bonus.

Will Christmas happen this year to our family? Definitely.

But I won’t go to the part where I feel so ideal and being materialistic is such a superficial reaction to the holidays.

I guess that my life right now is starting to be at peace with the event s of my life. I do not worry over these things as I have let go of constantly controlling the conduct of my life. Things come and go. Shit happens and shit fades.

Right now, I am really praying that I can muster enough financial blessings from the gods of the hospital so I can contribute for a decent Noche Buena and likable gifts to my inaanak.

Goodbye intensified bass headset. Goodbye awesome planner. Goodbye flattering pair of jeans.

See you next year!

Sabel, This Must Be Love!

I would often call her Judy Abbott. Her curly hair would sometimes stand sideward. Hence, the name of the cartoon character.

She has these amazing expressive eyes that we always tell her that her exotic looks would make any Caucasian guy crazy for her.

Most of the time, she is stuck with the demands of life. I call her always as the absent-minded friend that I always had. But, she is funny. Even without trying to be.

As her friend, I had the privilege of making her life real- by making it miserable. I would always hit her with my in-your-face comments and smack her for falling head over heels for a random guy (‘cause I am that great as a friend).

I do it because I care for her. But, no more worries now, folks!

Because today, she is going to Saudi for work. And I just learned about it last night! With that, there was no way for me to give bullsh*t on why I should attend her despedida. I just had to or else, I will wait for two years before I can savor the moment when her face turns red after making her so wretched in embarrassment.

That is how I love this friend of mine.

In all these years that I have known her, she has made me sit and watch her teach me a lesson about humility, patience, perseverance and of course, falling in love.

As I assume my importance in this world, she silently established herself. No overestimation. No false modesty. She just keeps it real.

As I get frustrated with life, she is there showing me that the road ahead is not that all scary. She keeps her head up and prays for good things to come.

As I get cynical about love, she is there showing me the highs and lows of being eaten whole by that four-letter word.

And as I grieve for the departure to greener pastures of another friend, she is there telling me that sooner or later, my time will come.



We will miss you Sabel…

Mental Rut

For days, I sit on my workstation trying to look like I am doing something worthy of the salary that I get. Staring at the computer while occasionally writing something unimportant on my pad sheet, I am pretending to work.

I cannot get hold of the task given to me. It seems that the moment I make my brain work for the report that I have to make, my neurons are slowly dying.
Months before this job, I was literally ranting about doing nothing. I prayed to God that one day, I may be a part of a company wherein I can contribute some of my knowledge and skills. Then by August, God heard my prayer.

And here I am now, blogging about being in a mental rut.

You see, I have been whining for few days now how I miss nursing. But looking back from my first job, I did not show any signs of liking towards my profession.

What I would like to say is that contentment is such an elusive state. By this, it makes man a complete ambitious and ungrateful being. Why can’t we just appreciate the things that we have? Why do we always yearn for something that we don’t have but will not necessarily make us contented if we will have it?

For this, life offers us the choices that we have to make. Now, I will try to finish my task.

I Quit

There is this consciousness that seeks to control me. It creates a certain concept of how things should be and how I should be. What to look like, how to act and how to do things. This consciousness has prevailed in my system for years now.

There is this constant reminder in my head that I am always the second best. Actually, not the second best. The worst person.

I am always faced with embarrassment. I always feel that if I do this or that, I might offend somebody. I was never confident. I could not really think of a moment where I had confidence.

Fear of rejection. Sense of normalcy. It all comes to these two things.

Fear of being rejected. Not accepted. Unwanted. Growing up, I was alone technically so I never ventured in doing things I do not normally do. I never played sports. I never played any musical instruments. Never knew group dynamics.

Alienated from other people, I am still in the process of trying to be normal. This made my situation even worse. Trying to pattern my life with what seems to be normal only made me hate myself even more.
That is why I quit.
I quit being an object of fear of rejection. I quit trying to be normal.

I surrender to the call to belong to the plethora of “normal” people. I will move away from the demarcation process of the cool and the un-cool.

I will be what I want to be.

Siopao

nung sunday, nagpunta ako sa victory center. i was not expecting somebody na makita. or makasama. i went there to worship.

but since maaga pa, i decided to shop for my groceries. medyo nagutom ako. so kumain ako ng siopao. ung regular lang at uminom ako ng zesto. solved!

pagpunta ko sa venue ng church service, ang daming tao. at nung bago nagsimula ang service, may dalawang taong pinagtitinginan ng tao. si Piolo at KC!

hindi naman ako nastarstruck. ang immediate reaction ko lang e regret. remorse. yun ay dahil sa siopao na kinain ko!

kung mabasa mo to Piolo, salamat sa pagpapaalala na ang taba ko!

Barriotic

since kahapon ay first time kong makakita ng brazillian model, susulitin ko na. kasi kahapon, first time kong makapanood ng 3D movie sa glorietta!

dahil sa kacheapan ko, lahat ay first time. first time manood ng sine in 3 months. first time manood sa glorietta. first time sa advanced screening. first time sa 3D.

this is life! haha. so barriotic...

Brazillian

first time kong makakita ng brazillian model kahapon.

and for the nth time, nagmukha akong basahan.

madalas, iniisip ko kung what if, iba ang aking anyo. o ugali, talent or asset. as if naman napakadami ng asset ko.

naisip ko lang, what if, sobrang ayos ng mukha at body ko. pang model ba. pwede na yung mga type ni daniel matsunaga o kaya ni paolo roldan.

pero may kapalit, isa akong dakilang bobo.

ano kaya ang magiging himutok ko? lagi nalang ba akong magiging depressed nun sa mga ikinalulungkot ko ngayon? ano kayang struggles ang meron ako non?

naisip ko lang...